Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Somethings That Still Do Not Exist

From Rob Brezsny at Free Will Astrology

Another one for the birthday boy:

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): "New ideas show up disguised innocently as
interruptions, contradictions, and embarrassing dilemmas," says
motivational speaker Rob Lebow. "Beware of total strangers and friends
alike who shower you with comfortable sameness, and remain open to
those who make you uneasy, for they are the true messengers of the
future." That excellent advice is my birthday present to you, Libra. If you
make use of it during the next three weeks, I bet you'll consistently be in
the right place at the right time to extract the maximum benefit from
your blind dates with destiny.

Remain open baby to the uneasiness baby. Remain open.

And mine:

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Your creed for the last three months of 2008
comes from Nikos Kazantzakis: "By believing passionately in something
that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we
have not sufficiently desired." Memorize this meme, Cancerian. Imprint it
on your subconscious mind. Make it so much a part of you that it
breathes as you breathe, and dreams as you dream. Allow it to turn you
into a magician whose potent desire is as strong as the longings of ten
normal people put together.

I was just working on this with Presencing Wonder earlier today. I'll write more on this later.

Click the link above for your if you aren't a Libra or a Cancer

Obama Pride

... from the Folsom St. Faire.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Astrology for the Week

This information is from Eric Francis at his Planet Waves Astrogolical News.

HAPPY LIBRA NEW MOON--some truly unusual astrology is approaching. We are now entering a watershed moment of Pluto changing signs, and a major outer planet aspect (Saturn opposite Uranus) on Election Day in the United States. Mercury is retrograde from Sept. 24 through the first half of October. The retrograde began two days after the Libra equinox and ends just as the Moon reaches the full phase in Aries. The Oct. 14 Full Moon is a dramatic event, coming at the peak of the national political campaigns. At the exact moment of the Sun-Moon opposition, Luna is conjunct Eris in Aries and the Sun is conjunct Eros. The last Full Moon (in Pisces, on Sept. 15) was also conjunct a major planet -- Uranus, and we had quite a surprise that day: the buyout of Wall Street by the federal government. The emphasis of this retrograde phase, being in Libra, is on relationships, but there is an energy of chaos and unpredictabil ity in the air -- and beyond that, a sense of improvement that is based on deadlocked or otherwise stuck situations coming free. An extremely rare aspect is now developing, which is the opposition of Saturn and Uranus. This is an era-defining aspect. When Saturn opposes a traditional outer planet (Uranus, Neptune or Pluto) we get big changes. When Saturn opposed Pluto in 2001, we had Sept. 11 and the consolidation of executive power by the currently ruling political party. When Saturn opposed Neptune in 2005, we had the big hurricanes that flooded New Orleans and Texas. For the first time in nearly four decades, Saturn is opposite Uranus for the first of five times (a series) in two years on Election Day 2008 -- and we need to take this as a message, an omen and most of all as an opportunity. It represents the choice between two distinct viewpoints -- pluralism and fundamentalism; freedom and oppression. This is not just a choice in an election; it is not just a symbol or a philosophical game; it is very much a personal choice.

First for my husband because it's his birthday week:

Libra (Sep. 22-Oct. 23)Getting to know ourselves seems to be one of the most profound experiences in life, one of the most challenging and the most satisfying. Yet how many people have a conscious relationship with themselves? I think that more often we relate to ourselves vicariously through others. You have the chance to do both in the coming weeks, and a moment when you figure out the difference. For a while, it's confusing as usual, then there is a moment of clarity. Your inner feedback is suddenly more meaningful than what comes at you from outside. Your idea of what your life is about is more accurately reflected in your feelings than in the feelings of others. Your interior space is less chaotic and feels more dependable than any space around you. This is a bigger shift in awareness than you may imagine. You are so dependably a relational person, that is, someone whose primary orientation within existence is relating with and exchanging with others. Usually, their sense of individuality powers over your own. Though it's only been a matter of time, it has been a long time coming for you to feel some sense of stability in your self-awareness. You may not be there yet, but by the Full Moon mid-month you will have a very helpful clue.

And now me because I can. Click on the link to read your sign if your not a libra or a cancer.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)You're headed into bold and unfamiliar relationship territory. This likely involves one particular relationship, but also your encounter with that entity known as 'everyone'. In some way, one person is poised to become a contact point with the rest of the world. Listen to anyone who speaks to you like they're an ambassador or translator. If you're feeling the unfamiliarity of your environment, like you're in a place with unusual and unfamiliar customs, or like you don't quite fit in but are being accepted anyway, you are in the right place. Pay attention to the deeper story, meanwhile: it is about you negotiating with yourself about having permission to feel secure in your feelings, on the planet and in your environment. You may feel like you're swimming in emotional uncertainty or confusion, but it's what you might call fertile chaos. If you want to move from the chaos factor to the creative fertility factor, go deeper; all the turbulence is on the surface. Take a chance you would not normally take. You may not, at this point, feel you have so much to gain. Determine how little you have to lose, and then decide what you're willing to try. That chance will appear as an opportunity in the realm of emotional or erotic bonding, joined by an unusual chance to express your ideas and your talent. These will take you far beyond yourself.

Busy Mom

Whirlwind 36 Hours in the City

We had a wonderful weekend. The Frida Kahlo exhibit was exceptional and I'm so glad that we chose to do the audio tour. Thanks Pema for insisting that we must. All the extra information really helped me to appreciate her art even more than I already did. What a life! What a tumultuous, deep and abiding love affair she had with Diego Rivera. That woman endured so much pain, both physically and emotionally and boy oh boy did she channel it. Talk about using God's gifts to the fullest. I was 7 days old when she died. Makes me feel somehow more connected to her. One of the funniest things we listened to on the audio tour was labeled monogamy, and it told the story of how Diego, from the beginning of their relationship never committed to be monogamous with Frida. In fact, he told her than a doctor told him that he was physically incapable of being monogamous.

Dinner at Caffe Macaroni was a real treat, the Pinot Noir was so smooth that I wish I knew what label I was drinking. The bread arrived at our table with about 1/2 cup of chopped garlic with some herbs and a little oil mixed in. Whoa. It sure was tasty though. We ordered two different salads that were both delicious. Mine had arugula, spinach, fennel, apple and pomegranate seeds and Jerry's had watercress, sweet red onions and strawberries. We both enjoyed our pastas and even shared a dessert, one of those Italian cheese cakes made from ricotta cheese. The chef/owner Mario sent us over some complementary Limoncello and then came out and introduced himself and we chatted for awhile.

After our meal we drove to the SFCitadel, San Francisco's premier and official dungeon for the Folsem St. Faire. We wanted to find the exact location before heading over there later in the night and thought it might be close enough to walk from our hotel but it wasn't. I had given up the idea of doing both Aunt Charlie's and the Citadel scene but now I wish I hadn't. We ended up going back to our room and making our own party which made us feel very relaxed and satisfied so when it was time to dress and head out, we opted to stay in, a choice that always seems sensible in the moment but which I regret later. I suspect the timing would have been perfect to head over to Aunt Charlie's, catch the show there and then to have headed over to the Citadel, arriving right when things were getting all hot and bothered. One of the reasons I wanted to make the dungeon scene that night in particular was that all the kinkiest of people were visiting the city for the weekend including Mistress Matisse and her entourage. I've been wanting to meet her, at least see her in person, and I thought this might be the perfect opportunity. Oh well, it wasn't to be. Instead, we stayed in our room and were entertained by another great skit of Tina Fey impersonating Sarah Palin On SNL. This one was even better than the first.

We slept in Sunday morning and then headed over to The Greens for brunch. I had another lovely salad made from mixed greens, gorgonzolo, and figs along with my meal and Jerry had what he enjoys the most for breakfast--pancakes. Here are a few pictures from our table. Sorry R. (she hates and is disgusted by pictures of food--even ones that offer artistic style, color and beauty such as these). We enjoyed looking out at the boats docks docked on the bay while we eat our meal and then I bought the Field of Greens cookbook before we left. I keep threatening to start cooking again.

Then we headed over to the Folsom Street Faire which was as outrageous and lovely as usual with all the leathered and kinky folks flying their freak flags. Shortly after arriving we happenstanced upon a bondage scene from Kink.com that was other wordily. I took over 100 awesome photos and can't wait to watch a slide show of it. My oh my.

Jerry, trooper that he is, drove us all the way home, stopping by the natural food when we hit Chico to pick up some ingrediants so I could make us dinner dinner--saffron jasmine rice with a spinach, fennel, apple and raspberry salad. Yummy. Then we relaxed on the couch and watched the HBO vampire series True Blood and the Showtime series of a serial killer serial killer, Dexter.

For your viewing pleasure--from the faire. I'll post some more too.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Foot Rest

View from our hotel window.

You Dance Inside My Chest

We're in San Francisco on the second day of celebrating Jerry's birthday week. We just got to our room in The Powell Hotel on Cyril Magnin St., right off of Market and 5th. We found the perfect parking spot right on Haight/Ashbury, which a perfect little restaurant right in front our space. We eat crepes for brunch and then Jerry made a beeline to Amoeba records and I meandered into various other little stores. I bought several new books, the new expanded edition of The Essential Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks, The Indigo Children, by Lee Carroll and Jan Tober, Islam for the Western Mind, by Richard Drummond, and Spirit-Centered Relationships, by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. Jerry found 3 new CDs for us to enjoy, Daniel Lanois' newest album Here Is What Is which we're listening to right now and I'm loving it. Also, Jon Cleary and the Absolute Monster, Pin Your Spin (we saw him in Chico at the Sierra Nevada Big Room less than a year ago) and Nagual Site by Bill Laswell's Sacred System.

I found some other cool stuff at a store called Genesis Imports, and I stopped by New York Apparel, this wonderful little hole in the wall of a store where I've been shopping for thigh high stockings for years and my supply is now replenished again.

The weather is warm and beautiful and we are just resting up a little before walking over to the SFMOMA to see the Frida Kahlo exhibit.

Our friend D. had open heart surgery this morning and they gave him a double by-pass. Everything went really well and after his incision heals he should be better than ever. They didn't need to put him on the heart/lung machine which means he'll have a speedier recovery and there's been no damage to his heart. Supposedly he gets to go home on Tuesday. This is such good news after receiving such a scare yesterday. Considering the big, huge, life threatening deal this is and what could have been, I'm really happy.

Remember people, life is too short to eat bad bread.

Here's a Rumi poem for ya D. and Ren:
In your light I learn how to love.
In your beauty how to make poems.

You dance inside my chest,
where no one sees you,

but sometimes I do,
and that sight becomes this art.

Love you guys.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Don't Waste A Minute Not Loving

This is my baby's birthday week. His birthday is October 3rd but we will be at an Enlightenment Intensive on that day and we won't be talking with one another or even sleeping together for 3 nights, starting with his actual birthday night.

So, we started celebrating tonight by having dinner at Donna's cooked and served by her new friend, (and now our new friend) Jim, a couch surfer from Ireland. What a nice guy, and the fresh salsa we watched him whip up for our appetizers was the best I've ever eaten in my life. The meal was great, the wine liberating, the conversation easy. Michael, our Yankee Irish friend (as he calls himself) and Jim, entertained us with nursing home stories and I learned about corkscrew windups, Irish travellers, and all sorts of other interesting tidbits of a culture I'm related to by blood.

It was a lovely evening from which we have retired fairly early in order to get an early start to San Francisco in the morning. I am so looking forward to this weekend and I even bought myself a really fancy leather belt today to wear to the Folsom Street Faire.

I think I'll plan another little birthday dinner for Jerry on Monday night as that's the only night next week I don't have clients already scheduled in. I give thanks for having such an incredibly wonderful husband who offers me so much love attention. He's so good to me and I'm really looking forward to spending the weekend with him in the city of my birth, celebrating his birth.

Our good friend D. is having open heart surgery early tomorrow morning. We love you D. Hang in there brother and make it through this okay? We need you to stay around healthy and strong for another 30 something years or so. No more scaring us like that please.

Life is short. Seize the day! Don't waste a minute not loving.

Well then. Okay.

Frida, Chihuly and Macaroni

Donna has invited us over for dinner tonight to meet her new friend from Ireland who is a vegetarian chef. Then we are up early Saturday morning to head to San Francisco. Here are our plans for what we will be up to in the big city this weekend. Can we really do ALL of this?

This will be our very first stop. I'll search the unique little shops along Haight St. while Jerry peruses the aisles of Amoeba Records for cheap obscure music.

Saturday afternoon we have tickets for the Frida Kahlo exhibit at the SFMOMA.

I want to have dinner in North Beach at Caffe Macaroni on Saturday night. Our friend D. told us about this place and he will be there Friday night. Sorry to miss him.

I'm really hoping to check out Aunt Charlies on Saturday night. Don't let the website fool you, the place is really a dive but that's what gives it its charm I suppose. We may not make it there as we are also thinking to check out the SFCitidel and trying to do both may be a bit much.

I think we'll do Sunday brunch at The Greens.

And then a little later on Sunday we'll join the celebration at the Folsom Street Faire

Dale Chihuly who has supposedly greatly influenced contemporary art along with revolutionizing the studio art glass movement, is currently all the rage and talk of the town amongst artists in San Francisco, Marin, and even Chico (if I knew enough about the art world I might even be able to say worldwide) is currently showing at the de Young. We would be totally uncool to miss out on his exhibit but when pray tell can we fit this into our schedule? I suppose between Sunday brunch and the Folsom Street Faire.

Sunday night I'll be a tired puppy and so ready to kick back on the couch and exchange foot rubs with Jerry while we watch the season premier of Dexter.

Just a little more. I was reading Mistress Matisse today who will also be playing around in San Francisco this weekend and she mentioned that she has another photo shoot with Craig Morey and she linked to his website. He took the photos of her that she is currently using on her blog. Anyway I went to his site and wow, lots of beautiful naked women which I really enjoyed looking at. Go there and click around if that sort of photographic viewing pleases you. Lovely.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

No Better Topic

I received this via email today from a new friend I spend last weekend with. What better topic indeed.

The Subject Tonight is Love--Hafiz

The subject tonight is Love

And for tomorrow night as well,

As a
matter of fact

I know no better topic

For us to discuss

Until we all


Choices--Conscious Or Not, We Must Choose

It's all about choice. Conscious or not doesn't really matter. Well it matters in the sense that the opportunity we've been given to live a human life is a real gift and the potential that is possible for us is phenomenal if we live this life to the fullest. So when it comes to our choices, obviously the more conscious they are, the more able we are to serve our life's purpose. I see intention as playing a big part here, probably as the most important contributing factor. If I intend to be an aware, enlightened human being, if that's my focus in this life, I will be much more capable of making conscious choices because there is a direct correlation between awakened awareness and conscious choices that are in sync with my life's purpose--the reason I came here to work/play/have a life to begin with.

And I would suppose that everyone comes in with a life's purpose-- be it enlightenment, love, sex, money, peace, war, excelling in the physical strength and Olympian possibilities of the body, or the more charitable goals of Mother Theresa, Mahatma Gandhi, Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, etc. The more aware someone is to who and what they are, the better their ability to make choices that further their purpose for being here in the first place. Without a strong intention there is more tendency to get distracted along the way. And this isn't bad, or wrong, it's just being off course (without judgment for that). It's OK to go off course. Because we have choice, otherwise known as free will, it's a valid choice to lose sight of our course or change our course, and there is no rule that we must stay on track with our original choice, the reason that we came here.

The thing is, people go unconscious for various reasons. And when we are unconscious we obviously make unconscious choices. If I'm an awakened aware person my choices are going to be conscious ones. It seems to get a little tricky here with young children. It seems to me that children have this incredibly keen radar. Children come into this world with strong intention for their life's purpose, knowing what it will take for them to fulfill their goals. They know exactly what they want and they go after it. Mostly I think parents get in their children's way, due to the parents lack of trust in their child's inner guidance system which helps them make the appropriate choices for their life. Parents think they know more about what's right for the child than the child does. I don't believe that at all--well within reason here, sometimes a parent does know that the child needs broccoli and rice for dinner rather than a chocolate bar and that an afternoon nap when they are overly tired will really give them a better perspective but there is the tendency to take this basic knowledge of that's why I'm the parent and your the child way too far. Also, the way parents often use their parental authority to coerce their children to submit to their will, to what they believe is best for their child is over the top. Not that all parents interfere with their children's growth in this way, and some interfere only minimally. In fact, I'm truly impressed with the parenting skills of so many parents I know and I see their children as incredibly fortunate and blessed. Frankly, I'm often envious of the natural parenting abilities that so many possess. I seem to have acquired many of these abilities over time but unfortunately I did not possess them when they were the most important--when my children were young. In the big picture, I fear there are many more "off course" parents than "on course" but I'm lucky to know some very together ones. Bottom line, what I think children need more than anything else is love. When big love is offered children seem to make it through and thrive in spite of whatever parenting style is perpetrated against them. But I digress.

A lot on unconscious parenting influences children to go unconscious and lose touch with their own inner guidance system. When that happens we lose awareness and it's very difficult to make conscious choices. But we continue to make choices because that's what living life is all about. And some children who for whatever reason are able to maintain their strong intention, just whiz through life barely slowing down, shrugging off the influence of their parents and anyone else who tries to get in their way. They have this tenacious will, this conscious intent that keeps them on track doing what they came here to do in this life and nothing or no one is going to stop them.

But many of us flounder as children and young adults. Would I have chosen to get pregnant, married and have a baby at 16 if I was in touch with my inner guidance system? Would I have chosen to drop out of school and stay in abusive relationships with the men who fathered my children? Would I have made some of the choices that now, years later, still make me what to hide my face in shame? Some of these choices I think I might have made regardless, others most definitely not, but I was only where I was at the time and choices are like breathing, we can't live without them. We just do the best we can with what we've got and sometimes we hit the mark and sometimes we miss it. Sometimes we make choices by default--we choose by not choosing, by letting others choose for us or we just sort of let life happen to us. But that's a choice too. Underneath all the choices through, the self is always there in full on awareness and its influence is always available to us, at least to some degree.

So when I ponder age, emotional maturity and a person's level of awareness in regards to a choice being conscious or not, well yes, I do think these factors come into play, but ultimately in the big picture it doesn't really matter. We have to make choices, conscious or not and we do the best we can. Sometimes we fall victim to our choices, sometimes others fall victim to our choices but what else is there to be done? There is ignorance and there is evilness in this world. We are born into the families we are born into and here we are. Our families do the best they can and sometimes it's just not good enough to save us from the pain of being human. Our parents will influence us in the ways that parents do, as society, religion, astrology, numerology, coffee grounds, tea leaves and chicken bones do and we will live our lives, staying on track with our life's purpose as much as possible. Our true self never abandons us, it is always here clamoring for our attention and we will intend and desire and make choices ultimately based on that self.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A Magical Vortex

I had a lovely walking contemplation today. Some moments in life are just so grounded, so sweet. I was very focused on being in the moment and experiencing that common ground I have been seeking between where I am and where I want to be and I felt a very strong connection to this place of acceptance in the moment where is there no possibility of being anywhere else but right here right now. And this common ground, this sacred power spot is like a magical vortex or portal that effortlessly draws me into a mo betta future. During my walk I was experiencing how utterly ridiculous resistance is because there is nothing, absolutely nothing to resist.

And then I connected with the power of intention which keeps me from living by default and a flood of insight about conscious choosing came to me and I most definitely need to write more about that.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Consentual Sex

Gillette has a good post today on many of the issues I ponder. It's called When Is It Consent? Kids, Teens, Histories.

I think I need to do a post on how age and emotionally maturity relate to conscious consent.

It's Not The Quality Of The Love

This is just a little visual image I found that helps describe the network of polyamorous love connections. My lover's lover recently asked him to explain his take on the difference between primary and secondary relationships. I've already written a post about that here. Some people hate the terms primary and secondary but I think they offer some value. It's not the quality of the love that one is placing a label on but rather, the label serves as a generalized description of how one's lifestyle is arranged on a practical day to day basis.

Here's part two of the post linked to above on primary/secondary/tertiary polyamorous love relationships.

Drop Jaw

Last night I had meetings with both my women's financial group and Juicy Women. We have a little nest egg built up in the financial group but we couldn't decide if now was the right time to purchase stock, or exactly which stock would be wise to invest in. We are following one company very closely. The juicy women were very juicy. Yummy.

Molly's book has some delays in the publishing right now and she is appreciating how her anger inflames her libido. She is angry at her husband though so her thoughts of sex are not directed towards him. She is enjoying more and more polyamorous thoughts and they talk about it as an option but I doubt that they are anywhere near close to actually taking real steps in that direction.

Lena has moved in with her boyfriend who cooks for her and takes care of all the manly man and fix it up stuff in her life. During our meeting he was preparing her evening meal with plans for a love making session after.

Pema is busy writing up a plan for a solar and wind power business she wants to start and enjoying her returning libido. Her breasts are so tender that she actually took a pregnancy test although even though she bleeds, she doesn't think she ovulates any longer.

Ana is continuing her tantric adventures and has found a new teacher she is excited to be working with.

Rosemary has various issues up in her life including an adult son and his escapades with mental illness. She struggles to help him while protecting herself. She continues her various adventures into polyamory along with her husband and seems pretty happy and settled along with a bit of excitement related to the prospect of taking on a new lover.

And what can I say about Randi? I met her new foreign lover last night. They are really enjoying each other's bodies and fucking like crazy, very in-love. She is still in the midst of sharing her sexual history and all I can really say about her life experiences is wow. Fucking wow! This woman's stories make my jaw drop. I mean drop. What she has been through in her life is just incredible. She is only up to the age of 22 right now and I'm just blown away on so many levels listening to her. She needs to write a book.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Accepting What Is

I seem to have resolved some really important stuff during my dyad work this weekend. I got a bit deeper into the nuances of self-responsibility that I've been intending. My question, What is Another? took me deeper into myself. One of the results has been releasing a lot of the anger I've been harboring towards Another.

It all comes down to accepting what is. What is, is, regardless of whether I accept it or reject it. The value of accepting what is is for my own well being. And since I'm feeling more accepting of what is right now, this means that I've let go of some attachment to things being different than what they are. Non-attachment serves me well. I feel lighter.

I've been searching for some common ground. The place between what is, and what I want things to be. I've been struggling with the understanding of how to reside in both places at the same time. What is, is, and wanting anything else is folly. Wanting something to be different than what it is is in fact delusional. What is, is real. What is, is the truth. What is, is all that can possibly be in this moment. Why is it that once again I've stuck myself in a place of resisting reality, resisting the truth? Denial is not a pretty thing. It's contemptibly inadequate for what I am aware of and doesn't suit me in the least. Truth of the matter, I'm a bit ashamed of myself.
It doesn't serve me or my relationships.

During one of my dyads I once again found myself on my launching pad. Aha! My commom ground. It looked just like the wooden boat dock I had been on at the lake on Saturday. Nevertheless, a launching pad it was, a good visual that reminded me that in order to move on, to propel myself into my future, I must be fully present in the nowness of what is. Fully present and grounded. What is, is my foundation, my power spot, my sacred space. Excuse me but why have I been resisting the power of my sacred space? I swear, sometimes I'm a lunatic.

Once I am fully present with what is, accepting it, wanting it, loving it, I can move on. Embracing the truth, what is real opens me to so many other possibilities. Resistance keeps me stuck. What is, in this moment is what eventually offers me my freedom, whatever it is. And freedom, if not from pain, at least freedom from suffering from the pain. It offers me the freedom to experience something different after experiencing what is. To appreciate the experience and then move on. But I can't experience something different until I've experienced what is.

I've been struggling with this whole healthy boundaries issue, not knowing how to take care of myself in a manner that seems appropriate without closing my heart down. I've been noticing how my protective stance results from a fear of being hurt, inconvenienced, taken for granted, disrespected, or somehow done wrong. There is surely nothing wrong with the concept of creating healthy boundaries for oneself but when I go into protective mode my heart starts closing down. I've chosen and am committed to keeping my heart open so this hasn't been working for me.

In relationship with Another, it's certainly appropriate for me to set healthy boundaries or guidelines for the relationship (for myself) as long as I'm not judging Another as wrong. Obviously what Another has been choosing (and what I've been going along with) has not been working for me in regards to our relationship, but Another's choice is their business not mine. What is my business? My business is to find another way that does work for me. I have been angry with Another because of agreements that were broken that not only hurt my feelings but inconvenienced me and complicated my life in an uncomfortable way. It was obviously time for me to make some changes, which I did but I did so with quite a bit of judgment and blame. Even though I knew better, I was stuck in a place of making Another wrong.

Why did I do this? Attachment. I was attached to things being different, easier, more equitable and comforting to my heart. What I wanted certainly wasn't unreasonable but I was attached to getting it and also unwilling to see my part in things being as they are. Nothing like sticking up the mechanism and slowing the process down with lots of I need to get what I want, and I need it now, and it's up to you to give it to me! gunk. I've been like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum.

And it's as simple as this: I have not been fully embracing the moment, embracing and accepting and wanting and loving what is--the very thing that grounds me in truth and then allows me to go somewhere different, to create change. Embracing the moment gives me wings to fly out of whatever mess I find myself in. The moment is my escape hatch but only and this is the rub, only if I'm fully present! It gives me freedom, the freedom to embrace what is and then do something differently.

This is not about who is wrong and who is right or about who is being more righteous or aware, who is keeping their agreements and who is not.

Beyond wrong or right there is a field. I will meet you there--Rumi
And it's not about what I do to create healthy boundaries for myself. It's about where I am standing when I create the boundaries. If I'm standing on my launching pad of what is with an open mind and open heart, fully grounded in the moment, those boundaries or no boundaries for that matter will work just fine. If I'm resisting what is, triggered by Another's behavior of what I perceive as their being rude, disrespectful, thoughtless, unkind, uncaring ecetera, then I'm entering into victim mode, and thinking that I've been wronged by another. Blaming and judging Another is a symptom of resistance that leads me down the path to my victimhood. Always. Sometimes I tend to get stuck in wrong and right when wrong and right isn't the issue. It's never the issue. Never. Maybe something is wrong but that's not the point. The point is that the something I'm perceiving as wrong is actually the truth of the moment, it is real, it is what is right here, right now and is exactly what I need to focus on. If somebody has indeed done something that is wrong, that's for them to figure out. The important thing for me is that this something, whatever it may be is my launching pad that I need to be grounded on. To ground myself, I must experience it fully. I must not resist it but breathe into it, embrace it, accept it, want it, love it.

That's a tall order I know. It's difficult to do when I have preferences and then I get something else. How do I deal with something that I just don't like without resisting it? Abraham talks about life as a buffet table and how we don't have to resist and yell No! to the variety of dishes available to us that we don't appreciate. All we have to do is pass them by. But we obviously don't always have the option to pass something by. Sometimes it's right in front of us, in our house, in our face and being shoved down our throats. And sometimes this something disgusts us and makes us gag. It's not always easy. This work isn't for sissies. I learned about the power of non-resistance years ago and I've learned to deal with a lot of unsavory things that come my way, but sometimes, when those things are big (for me) my survival instinct kicks in and the only choices I might be aware of in that moment are fight or flight. When we have a history with something unpleasant or scary Post Traumatic Stress can take control of us before we know what's going on.

But embracing what is is the best survival technique available. If I need to run away, then immediately and fully embracing the danger of what is, is what will tell me to run and will utimately save me. Once I'm fully grounded on my launching pad I then have the option to propel myself into something different, I have the power to create change in my life. This might entail setting healthy boundaries for myself or whatever.

All of this does not negate the fact that we have relationship issues to deal with. If Another is doing things that don't suit me, be it breaking promises or breaking into my home and stealing my stuff, there are a variety of options available for me as to how I choose to continue on in this relationship. If Another is continuously breaking their promises, I could stop setting myself up to be inconvenienced by this scenario. If Another is stealing from me I might start locking up my house or call the police. Again, it's not so much what I do in response to Another's behavior, it's where I am coming from when I do it.

Deep love and committed relationship make these issues tricky and trust plays a big role in relationship. When I love someone I want to trust them to follow through and treat me kindly, even if they have proven to be untrust worthy in the past. Some people can be counted on to follow through in certain situations while being total flakes in other ways. I need to figure out for myself how to best be in relationship with Another in a way that works best for me. A way that allows me to love fully with an open heart while stimultaneously taking care of myself. Another is just who they are, not what I've created of them my mind. If they are untrustworthy, then they are untrustworthy and what exactly am I going to do about it? Because they may never change, even if they say they will. If I set myself up to be disappointed by them over and over again, well that's my choice. But if I choose to continue engaging in the relationship and the same things keep happening...well for one thing, it's not about repressing my disappointment (which may very well be more about my disappointment in myself) but rather it's about experiencing the disappointment fully, and then moving into accepting it, welcoming it, embracing the truth and realness of it in this moment, dealing with it and moving on.

I really should be a bit more understanding with myself in regards to all of this. It's been a huge challenge for me to bear my current disappointments. It's been catastrophic on my psyche. A hell of a lot to embrace. Mostly I attribute this to a very tough summer and the multitude of heart wrenching incidents that manifested in my life one after another. Talk about kicking a girl down and then kicking her over and over again while she's still down. My heart has really been hurting and it's been a challenge to accept the pain and not suffer from it. It's been difficult to find my launching pad but I think I'm back now.

Eckhart Tolle says in The Power of Now:

If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have
three options; remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it
totally. If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose
one of those three options, and you must choose now. Then accept the
From my own experience, out of these so called three options-- removing myself from the situation or changing it also includes accepting it. That always comes first.

I Won't Let Go


Out of a great need
We are all holding hands
And climbing.
Not loving is a letting go.
The terrain around here
Is far too dangerous
For that.

Hafiz by Daniel Ladinsky

Jerry and I spent the last weekend of summer with 20 friends in the high sierras. We arrived Friday evening in time to share dinner and wine and then made music and danced before making love and falling off into a happy sleep.

I soaked in the hot tub for a couple of hours Saturday morning, conversing with various friends before having coffee and breakfast and sharing our Burningman slide show which everyone loved, a few now convinced that they have to make the trek. The temple pictures seemed to be the highlight and I got a lot of compliments on the art of my photography which was nice. Afterwards we drove to Salmon Lake--this is a picture I took from 7,000 feet up while on a nice little hike before stripping naked and plunging into the refreshing cold mountain water. I so needed that end of summer, welcoming fall ritual and it warmed my soul. We headed home in the early evening and shared a dyad session before starting dinner preparations which turned out to be a lovely communal affair with much intimate conversation mingled in with the chopping of vegetables. There were tears and hugs, music, dancing, and love spilling out into every dish. Dinner was outrageously delicious and then we headed off upstairs for another dyad. Afterwards we made music, danced, drank wine, eat chocolate ganache, sang, wrestled, kissed, and cuddled in puppy piles of love late into the night.

Sunday morning we all slept in. Breakfast and coffee was late and then we sat in meditation followed by another dyad. Many folks were staying on with another hike planned to a different lake while some of us packed to go. No one was anxious to part company so we all lingered, loving, sharing more stories with an abundance of open hearts, savoring the connection.

Happy Equinox and remember that Out of a great need we are all holding hands and climbing. Not loving is a letting go. Listen, the terrain around here is far too dangerous for that.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Today Is Such A Day

Fall Equinox
Monday September 22, 2008
Have a beautiful weekend. It's the last of summer.
I'm heading off to play
and celebrate my life.

Rumi says:

On a day when the wind is perfect,
the sail just needs to open
and the love starts.

Today is such
a day.

Yes, today is definitely such a day.
Thanks for the muhabbet K.
And the tender hands.
Safe journey.

I've Made My Own Promises

Barbara Marciniack offered both the interesting and the odd before she started channeling the Pleiadians. I don't hold my channels to perfection. If humans are allowed to be imperfect why not Pleiadians and their so called "vehicles"? So even though some of what I heard seemed a little silly, I also received some very practical advice. Most of this was along the lines of devoting attention to creating integrity in the bodymind. She spoke of intention which is one of the most powerful and practical tools I'm already using in my life and it was a nice reminder that we don't need to know the specific steps to do, be, or have something, or to make something happen but if we use the power of our intention, what needs to be will eventually be. If I intend to be at the right place at the right time and for all good things to come to me, wherever and whatever that may be, the universe will set things in motion for that to happen. Supposedly, the times they are a changing. Astrologically speaking, things have really speeded up since 2007 and our ability to create with the mind has accelerated 100,000 times. Creative thoughts are spinning from the metaphysical to the physical--dropping from the seventh chakra down to the first like gang busters. And just like Abraham teaches, the Pleiadians talked about our feelings being our guidance system and how imperative it is to stay fine tuned to what we feel.

There was a question and answer period and I wanted to ask a question to help me refine the intricate nuances of practically applying self responsibility. Unfortunately I never had the chance but it goes like this for me:

I totally and 100% understand that I am responsible for what is transpiring in my life and my relationships. I get that relationships are a co-creation and whatever I am creating with another is something that I've agreed to and am fully cooperating with by choose. I am not a victim of another, plain and simple. But I struggle with the issues of communication and truthtelling, along with keeping my heart open and creating healthy boundaries for myself all at the same time. How do I communicate and tell my truth if another doesn't show up? There is only so much chasing I'm willing to do. So I get confused with my willingness. Is my lack of willingness simply ego trying to save face (create the illusion of self-respect), is it stubbornness, or is it backing off and giving another space, allowing them to make their choice to not show up and being respectful of that choice? I actually experience myself moving back and forth between openhearted allowing where all I feel is love, and into closed off protection where I am angry as hell and self righteously indignant...or sad and confused. My lack of clarity is big and the muddy waters of confusion torment me.

Part of my problem is the yearning for connection. I don't understand what another is going through and I want to be there as a friend and lover, to support them in anyway I can. But when they don't keep their word, break agreements and disappear, I'm at a total loss of how to respond. And then I have human desires too, for my love and friendship and support to be reciprocated in my times of need. How many times do you remind someone that they have yet again broken their promises to you? This is not about forgiving and forgetting. It's about taking care of my own heart, along with caring for another. Sometimes I get lost trying to take care of myself and another at the same time. And when I try to take care of my own self interests and create healthy boundaries, I sometimes feel my heart start to close down. I try to stay away from the judging and blaming and pointing fingers as I truly know that those are roads to nowhere, and yet it's this self protection and fear that is the result of when another breaks their promises to me over and over and I keep experiencing myself in compromising situations, places I don't want to be.

Obviously, the pay off from this relationship, when it arrives is grand but I never know if the follow through will happen or not and I start feeling like a person with a gambling addiction. Another's mode of doing relationship is very compelling. Obviously they have the goods and when the follow through manifests, the winnings are lovely but otherwise the experience is like a hangover and an empty wallet after an all night binge when the cha ching never arrived. And why am I doing this? Remind me one more time? Oh yea. Love.

This is a about connection. This other is a human being, a friend, a lover to whom I've made a commitment of truth. I've made my own promises. How the fuck do I show up and follow through?

Thursday, September 18, 2008


Many years ago I was out at a social event and hooked up dancing with a man I hardly knew but with whom I had been friendly with for a year or so. I was happily dancing away with him, smiling and enjoying myself and so was he (or so it seemed) until he just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I need some space." "Ok, that's fine with me" I said, and danced away. But it just struck me as the oddest thing. I didn't have a crush on him or even know him well enough to even like him in more than a general sense. I couldn't begin to comprehend why he didn't just finish the song, say thanks and then walk away. I mean, I didn't have plans to partner up with him for the night and I'm a decent dancer and all so it's not like I was stepping all over his toes or anything. I made up this story that he thought I was really into him and that weirded him out so much that he just had to get away from me immediately and that just annoyed me so much because I didn't need the time of day from him. I'd see him around town after that and he was never very friendly again. I always wanted to know what happened for him, if it was something I had said or done, or something he thought I had said or done. But it's always been unresolved for me and occasionally something like the card above, triggers the memory and I'm still curious to know.

We Must Be Willing To Change

Barbara Marciniak was interesting tonight. First she talked for a couple of hours and then she went into a trance and channeled the Pleiadians. I want to share a couple of things that touched me the most of what they had to say.

1. We must get even more in tune with the bodymind connection. It is imperative that we get physically healthy and create integrity within our bodies---there is so much potential available to us from our bodies that we are unaware of. Aspartame and cigarettes might not be so good for us but at the same time, the body is highly adaptable and forgiving. So although we must get seriously dedicated to caring for ourselves through diet and exercise we don't have to strictly give up all of these pleasures. The worst possible thing for our physical body is worry.

2. We must take self-responsibility for what we create in our lives. This means giving up blame and judgment of others--this includes the government too. We are co-creators, not victims. Regardless of the situation we are all playing our parts. We are individually responsible and we must be willing to stop pointing fingers and to change ourselves for change to occur. It is up to us.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

McCain's YouTube Problem Just Became a Nightmare

You Don't Have To Act Crazy Anymore

I received these gifts in my in-box this morning from my very most favorite astrologer, Rob Brezsny who christened me with the name Shewhobehot. You can check out his website here.

My horoscope for this coming week:

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Her brush with sublime wisdom has done wonders for Paris Hilton. "Kabbalah helps you confront your fears," she told *Us* magazine. "Like if a girl borrowed my clothes and never gave them back, and I saw her wearing them months later, I would confront her." You can snicker if you like, but Paris's testimony exemplifies my main point for you: It's crucial that you get practical use out of your religion or spirituality. So please take measures to vigorously translate your highest ideals into your everyday actions. What would it mean, for example, to invite God to inhabit your lips as you kiss someone? Or to prepare your food as if you were going to offer it to a beloved saint? Or to speak every word as if it were a well-crafted prayer? Ask yourself 20 times a day, what would Buddha (or your greatest hero) do?

And a poem from Hafiz:

You Don't Have to Act Crazy AnymoreYou don't have to act crazy anymore --We all know you were good at that. Now retire, my dear,From all that hard work you do Of bringing pain to your sweet eyes and heart.Look in a clear mountain mirror -See the Beautiful Ancient Warrior And the Divine elements You always carry insideThat infused this Universe with sacred Life So long ago And join you Eternally With all Existence - with God!--Hafiz, translated by Daniel Ladinsky

Falling Into Myself

Last night as I was walking home after seeing clients, raindrops were falling on my head. Jerry had a lovely late dinner waiting for me along with a glass of wine and afterwards we watched a movie with Uma Thurman who I like a lot.

I love the fall season and the equinox is just around the corner. This is such a powerful time for my soul. Nature seems so subtle and undemanding. The weather is perfect with warm to hot days that aren't too hot and cool to cold nights that aren't too cold.

And I love the dying things. It seems so organic, a natural unfolding of life. A releasing and letting go of what isn't needed anymore and yet the fields are full of bounty to store for sustenance in the winter ahead. I breathe easier and deeper in the fall, opening and falling into myself.

I want to hike a mountain and swim in it's lake, inundated with God and loving uninhibitedly.


My last lover insisted that I wait.
He teased me with his charm
as I begged for morsels of his leftovers.
I'm done with patient waiting.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Done With Patient Waiting

Rumi --Translated by Coleman Barks
The Glance
Songs of Soul Meeting

Daring Enough To Finish

Face that lights my face, you spin
intelligence into these particles

I am. Your wind shivers my tree.
My mouth tastes sweet with your name

in it. You make my dance daring enough
to finish. No more timidity! Let

fruit fall and wind turn my roots up
in the air. Done with patient waiting.

Our Pleiadian Cousins

Barbara Marciniak, an internationally acclaimed trance channel of the Pleiadians will be at the Masonic temple in Chico on September 17 . You can check out her website here. The Pleiadians are a collective of multidimensional spirit beings from the Pleiades star system and it seems that their focus is to help us earthlings in our process of spiritual transformation so that we may be better prepared for the whole 2012 gig, whatever you interpret that to be about. Marciniak is a best-selling author of Bringers of the Dawn, Earth, Family of Light, and Path of Empowerment.

Now I'm a fairly grounded, down to earth girl and I don't get my panties into much of a twitter over these types of things. And yet I'm very open minded, much like what I used to encourage my psychology students to be--Open Minded Skeptics. And I love Abraham, who just happen to be a group of non-physical beings who channel through a nice lady named Esther Hicks. I listened to their wisdom for years. Besides that, I actually have a "memory" of when I was a little girl growing up in Durham, California midst the huge watermelon patches and fields of grazing cows, of an alien space craft landing and me walking on board. I don't talk about this memory much and it seems more like a dream or story made up from a little girl's imagination and yet it's there in the back of my mind and something inside of me trusts it as something that actually happened. When I'm confronted with trance channels and tales of aliens I never think much about it. Much, not all, of this genre is acceptable to me, not too over the top exciting but more like a nonchalant OK, why not?

From Floating World website:

Two arms, two legs, body, head; the Pleiadian ears are somewhat lower than
yours, but Pleiadians are so much genetically like you that they consider you to
be their cousins. If a Pleiadian were walking down the street, you would all
turn and remark about how they look (they look terrific). You would notice that
they're different but wouldn't necessarily consider them alien. That's how
similar physically and genetically they are to you.
If you are in a Pleiadian
civilization, the expression of love and sexuality at that moment is literally
so complete and balanced and whole that there is no need to attach themselves to
the other person and drag them through eternity. Because they have so many of
these whole and complete interactions, they feel secure - in themselves and in
their expression of their sexuality. There are also married groups, which you
have here on your world called "polyfidelity," which is simply taking the
monogamy idea and expanding it so instead of two people, there are three or
more. These marriage units are very loving, very connected, very committed to
each other. This does not necessarily mean that they never live with one person
or never have a type of marriage relationship with one person; many of them do.
The difference is that they recognize immediately when it's time to move into
something else. When you on your planet are in a relationship and feel that it's
time to leave the relationship and you go and tell your mate, the mate quite
often will be very hurt, will attempt to latch on to you, will show a lot of
pain, etc. On your planet, however, 100% of the time when one of you feels the
relationship is changed, both of you have. It's just that one person may not be
recognizing it, or may be living in their own type of creation and cannot see
what's really happening. This is changing now, as all of you are committing
yourselves to your own personal growth.
Within the Pleiadian system if the
woman comes home and says, "This has been an absolutely wonderfully fulfilling
relationship for me. I feel now that it's time for me to go to the other side of
the planet and do something else," there's total understanding, total respect
with no personal pain withheld on the part of the other person. They recognize
that it must be the time, and there is a disconnection. This allows
relationships to be very fluid and the sexual energy within the partners is not
held or blocked but is channeled through their entire body and into their lives.
One interesting contrast is that the Orions do not express sexuality in
day-to-day life. They express their sexuality only when they're with their mate
in a certain disciplined time period. The Pleiadians allow their sexual energy
to permeate every aspect of their life. So if you have an interaction with a
Pleiadian, you may feel that there's a lot of sensual energy coming from that
being. It's because they do not differentiate between sensuality or sexuality
and life. Sensuality or sexuality to them is life; it's the complete and full
channeling of that energy through their embodiment. That philosophy is brought
into their society by how they structure their relationships.

Now that I've finished this post I think I might just go check out Barbara Marciniak on Wednesday night!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Locked Lips and Deep Thrusts of Yearning Intention

Once again talking with a friend. This time it's about the "natural" sexual decline of long term "happily" married couples. Isn't that the way the story goes, what so many women and men at first struggle with, and then eventually come to expect and then willingly, if only half heartedly accept of their committed relationships? As time goes by the inclination for sexual adventure starts to cool and the libido loosens it's grip. Eventually the passionate embrace, the locked lips and deep thrusts of yearning intention to penetrate the lover's body, mind and soul yields to the complacent goodnight kiss, a sweet peck on the lips combined with nonchalant spooning while drifting off to sleep?

Is this the doom and destiny, the path that wedded bliss must devolve into? Who wrote this script? To each their own but this is not a path I've chosen for myself. Of course, I am aware of many middle aged, long term married couples who still enjoy a hot sex life and are committed to retaining their juiciness as they grow older together. And I'm extremely curious as to their secrets for sustaining their sexual identities and keeping sexual love a priority in their lives.

And this is not just related to middle age and beyond. Many young couples lose their sexual desire for one another. And I'm not talking about those who have fallen out of love and are stuck in miserable relationships they are still, for one reason or another, committed to maintaining or are simply too lazy or depressed or confused to know how to extract themselves from. In the relationships I'm speaking of the in love feeling is often gone (or in hiding) but certainly not always and the obvious love and commitment to their partner as well as to the relationship remains strong.

And of course I talk with friends. I talk with clients. I read books. And I know what my husband and I do that seems to encourage this in love feeling and keeps our sexual juices flowing. So yes, I have my theories. Of course we are all individuals so different strategies work for different people and some work better than others. I will be writing more about this but it's late right now and I have to be up early in the morning...

Yes But

I appreciated Gillette's post today called The Rubberband Drug.

It's a good and simple post about investing our time, energy, and heart in a love interest--when that yearning for connection excitement is so appealing and leaves us wanting more and more until the object of our desire simply ups and disappears. Dammit, I hate when that happens! It happened to me recently, yet again, with the same man who's done the same thing to me before, more than once, and it's confusing. It hurts.

Gillette talks about the lesson she's learned about how to deal with this unfortunate turn of events and it's "Blame no one." She encourages those in this situation to simply feel and accept the truth of what is. Reminds me of the book "He's Just Not That Into You." Because people who truly care about you simply don't just disappear from your life without saying goodbye (unless they've been kidnapped!) without letting you know what's going on for them and why they need to take a hiatus from the relationship.

And I'm tired of my own yes buts... "I know he loves me, he is just so preoccupied; he is an awesome guy, he is just emotionally immature; he is confused and doesn't understand how to sustain complicated relationships; I promised to be gentle with his soft underbelly when he exposed it to me..." A good friend of mine, a man, recently said to me "A good man would never do to a woman what this man has done to you. Even when I was young and immature I never behaved like that."

Gillette says, "Focus, focus, focus on their actions...not what I want, not my dreams, my desires, my wishes, my fantasies, my wanting connection, my heart opening. Release, release, release. See what is instead of what I want. And remember that I do not want to waste my feelings, my time, my energy where they're not cherished and reciprocated."

There is a fine line balance between keeping one's heart open to another with compassion and curiosity to understand even when they treat you badly and simply being a pathetic fool. I've been releasing, releasing, releasing and experiencing my balance returning. It's not like I don't have an exceptionally full and blessed life because I do. I'm a very lucky girl. Very lucky indeed. And I have so many incredible people clamouring for my attention, I grow weary of wasting it on someone who doesn't make an effort to reciprocate my affections.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Love Dogs

Rumi: I am Filled With You

Rumi- Like This

Om For Peace Prayer 2008

The 2008 Earthdance celebration happened in Children's Park in downtown Chico yesterday with the second annual worldwide Om For Peace Prayer at 4:00 p.m. PST when people all over the world gathered together to pray for peace. We joined hands with perhaps 150 others, adding our peaceful vibe to the planet. Jerry played with a couple of different bands and it was a very lovely day.

"We are one global family
All colors, All races
One world united.
We dance for peace and the healing of our planet Earth
Peace for all nations.
Peace for our communities.
And peace within ourselves.
As we join all dance floors across the world,
let us connect heart to heart.
Through our diversity we recognize Unity.
Through our compassion we recognize Peace.
Our love is the power to transform our world
Let us send it out


Click the arrow to view 11 different images.
Read this document on Scribd: global OM prayer H2OM

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Feeling of Expectation

I friend sent me this image today and I really like it. I've doodled lots of images like this on paper with pencil over the years.

"When we expect to see something to happen, that expectation is an emotion in our bodies. It is through that emotion that sets into play a series of events that extend beyond our body into the world around us through this field, the Divine Matrix. We're actually affecting and having a direct affect on the stuff our world is made of in ways that we're only beginning to understand.Feeling is the language that programs the consciousness computer of the universe".--Gregg Braden

Gregg Braden is author of The Divine Matrix

The great 7-hour Burning Man duststorm of 2008

Ha. One of my Peace Camp mates just posted this little video of the 7 hour dust storm we experienced together at Burningman this year. I'm in the video for a moment covering my eyes after some dust had gotten inside my goggles. You can see our camp with the two peace flags flying on the corner. You can also see another of my campmates taking some of the chocolate we were gifting over to one of our guests who stopped by during the storm.


Last night Jerry and I watched Frida, a biography of artist Frida Kahlo. We had watched it before but we have tickets to see an exhibit of her artwork at the SFMOMA at the end of this month so we wanted to watch it again. Good film starring Salma Hayek as Frida Kahlo and Alfred Molina as Diego Rivera. I really enjoy the story of their love. There is also a documentary about her life called Frida Kahlo: A Ribbon Around A Bomb that I would like to watch before we see the exhibit.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Soul Soothing Intimacy

Wow. Something big is up with me and the truth right now. Pondering. I recently had a powerful experience with my husband that once again reminded both of us how necessary it is to communicate the truth with one another. It's easy to get sidetracked, have a little confusion going on inside with some mixed emotions, desires, and then not clearly communicating what's going on for one reason or another. Feelings can get hurt when we fail to be attentively truthful to the hearts we love. For us it was only a matter of hours before we cleared up the issue because fortunately we seem to be getting fairly skilled at handling these types of situations (knock on wood and hold on tight to my personal humility and the general vulnerability to the human condition.)

But a couple of other issues with the truth have surfaced right before and directly after this issue with my husband and it's just got me going. I'm an advocate for the truth and I'm pretty much in line with Brad Blanton's Radical Honesty form of telling the truth. Not that I actually engage in the totality of his method nor recommend it to others (although I do recommend them to read the book) and he did inspire me continue down the truthtelling path with determined devotion. I've already admitted that I'm a liar because, well I am. I've lied a lot in my life and I've conscientiously worked to become aware of my dishonestly and to become a more honest person. I've discovered that acting out of integrity with self is the catalyst that tempts me to lie because, well, quite frankly I'm embarrassed to admit the truth and be exposed for who I truly am rather than the person I'm striving (or pretending) to be. To be clear about what I consider a lie, read my post here.

This is my own criteria for the practice of truthtelling and I don't push it off on others. In fact, if someone chooses to be a liar, so it be. That's their choice and I accept that. I would be a total hypocrite if I didn't acknowledge another's right to lie because well for one thing, I attempt to hold myself to what I consider a fairly high standard of truth telling and I still make the choice to lie at times.

Anyway, even though I accept people's right to figure out whatever level of honesty suits them, sometimes I am taken aback when I hear a certain story or another's reaction to lying. I was recently with friends and one woman was relating a story about a young man she had sex with as a teenager. He had a girfriend at the time but he and my friend experienced a brief moment of overwhelming lust for one another, fucked, and then never spoke of the matter again. The young man my friend cheated with married his girlfriend and they are still together today, over 30 years later. They all bumped into each other recently and were chatting it up. At one point when the two women were alone together the wife asked my friend if she had had sex with her husband back in the day and my friend lied to her. Upon hearing this story, another friend immediately chimed in with "What good would the truth have served?" supporting her decision to lie. I was flabbergasted. It just amazed me, both of these women's reactions. And I'm not judging them their choices/opinions but it just shocked me. It seems to me that the truth to her question was important to the woman and that in fact there was perhaps something very significance to be served with the truth. If not directly telling her the truth outright, but perhaps nudging her towards a truthtelling session with her husband. I don't know this, but that's the way it hit me.

I thought about how I would have responded to her question myself if I had been in my friend's position. I hope that I would have told her that her question seemed more appropriately addressed to her husband than to me. I would want to give that answer whether I had fucked him or not. I suppose that it's possible that the conversation may not have stopped there because who knows what the situation really was. Maybe this woman had already asked her husband and he had admitted the truth and she was attempting to elicit the truth from my friend for whatever reason. Maybe she had asked and he had denied it and she didn't believe him (because we always know the truth even if we don't know we know) which speaks to probable trust issues in this couple's relationship that she was attempting in good faith, to address. I don't know what I would have responded to her if she had pushed the issue. It probably would have depended on my connection with her and other particulars of the situation that I'm not privy to. If this was a friend or an acquaintance that I had a current relationship with and she seemed like a reasonably sane person, I would probably tell her to talk with her husband first and then if afterwards she still felt the need to discuss the issue with me, I would be happy to talk with her. At that point I would certainly tell her the truth.

Another conversation I was recently privy to was with some polyamorous friends and although I don't feel at liberty to share the details of their situation or the particular lie, I was once again dumbfounded at the willingness to withhold the truth from another in an attempt to protect oneself from the repercussions of the truth. What about the repercussions of the lie?! People seem to think that if another doesn't discover the lie, there are no repercussions. I don't believe this for an instant. People speak as if they have a deep understanding and commitment to the truth but often, when it comes right down to it, they choose to lie when the going gets tough. I guess that it's just my own personal experience with being a liar and seeing the horrendous consequences of those lies as opposed to the soul soothing intimacy and powerful sense of freedom that telling the truth creates that has convinced me of its merits.

And although I think all relationships thrive on the truth. Polyamory adds enough complications to the mix that, in my experience, one must be even more vigilant with the truth.