Sunday, August 24, 2008

Burning Love

I'm a little over tired right now. Well okay, A LOT over tired. Jerry and I have been packing the motor home ALL DAY, along with food shopping, cleaning the house, and all the last minute stuff that one does when they leave for a 10 day bacchanal in the desert (well, the actual bacchanal is one week but we will be will be gone 10 days.) I've been up sewing the last few things I needed to fix with the sewing machine and the rest will have to come as a mending pile to be sewn by hand. I haven't finished knitting my silk scarf with glass beads for one of my evening outfits yet either. I still have a bunch to do in the morning before take off so I'd better go to sleep here real soon. I'm yawning with big tears running down my eyes they are so tired. I won't be posting again until the 2nd or 3rd of September when we return in our Burning Love Mobile. What a nice little home on wheels it's making for us. I am so grateful. Happy, happy, happy to be joining my camp mates and other friends as well as a whole plethora of open hearted, open minded Burners. And oh, oh, oh, the art, the music, the wild and crazy shenanigans. I'm going home! I'll have pictures and stories to share upon my return. Love, love and more love.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Riding The Shiva/Shakti Wave

One of the things that I most adore in my husband is his insatiable hunger for me. He is so my Dancing Shiva. That Shiva/Shakti energy is so nice to ride.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

They Have Penetrated My Heart

I worked at the college all day and then had clients tonight. Afterwards, I walked to the local downtown hot spot and eat a wonderful salad called Pink Lady with a glass of wine. It was hopping and the bartender didn't have a moments rest. Schools in. I'm home now, checking email and relaxing for a moment before I get up to do some organizing and packing. I had a little date last night that involved a few kisses...I wonder where that will lead? Tonight I'm so filled with love for two of the men in my life--my beautiful, sensual, so there for me husband, and my long lost love that has abandoned me, that I've abandoned, that I'm so annoyed with that I could spit. What else can I say? They have both penetrated my heart. And, I'm so fucking excited to be leaving for Burningman in only 4 days! My heart is happy.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Help! Break Me Outta This Joint!

Pema and I went to visit my mom this afternoon. My original plan was to take her to the mall to purchase new panties and bras. The outside doors of the assisted care home are locked with alarms so the residents can't get out without someone's knowledge but they open with a simple button on the outside and a code that's listed by the door on the inside. After I pushed the button to enter and started to open the door, my mom surprised me by immediately pushing herself half way out the door in her wheelchair saying to me, "Get me out of here, they are holding me captive!" One of her caregivers came to the door and much to my mother's chagrin, I asked her to please push my mom to her room. My mom then said to me, "I see you're one of them!" Pema and I were each carrying a box with six quarts of organic pomegranate juice as she was running low and it's been working okay at lowering my mom's bad cholesterol a bit while working wonders at raising her good cholesterol a lot. As I started putting the juice away where we keep it stored in her room she told me not to put it away because she was moving out immediately. I responded by telling her that all of her other stuff was there so if she ended up moving we would just take everything out together and that made sense to her. She was very agitated and confused and told me that the care givers were being obstinate to her. I went out to talk with them and they told me that she had been very agitated all last night and that this had continued throughout the day. Some of what they described sounded pretty delusional. Her Alzheimer's medication had recently been increased so I figured she was having a reaction to it. She wasn't in the mood for shopping at the mall so we took her for a drive. After a bit we stopped for an ice cream cone at her favorite ice cream parlor, Shuberts, a place that she often took me, my brother and sister to as kids. We sat in the car as she eat her cone, enjoying the shade and breeze blowing in the window. I told my mom that I thought she was having a negative reaction to the increased dose of her medications and told her that I would called F., the woman who runs her care home and let her know--which I did and we both agreed that my mom needed to return to her previous lower dose immediately. When she finished her ice cream we went to Rite Aid and I bought her some new tweezers so she could get at her chin whiskers.

When we returned to the care home she was relaxed and we sat in front of the aquarium in the living room and visited for awhile before Pema and I left. She was calm when we left and I hope the intense agitation and confusion doesn't return. You know, one really can't be too careful with medications.

The Wake Up Call

"Hello!" Or, "He's just not that into you." What a concept.

A Busy Sunday And All The Chocolate I Want

Yesterday was significantly cooler than the couple of days preceding it. It was still a hot day but bearable. Jerry and I got up early and went to our storage, organized everything we need for Burningman and loaded up the car with what it could hold. Then we went to Costco and and bought some LED lights and a pair pack of fire extinguishers. I decided that I want to have a blender, fan and electric tea pot to use in the motor home so on Monday I'm going to go see my mechanic and make sure the battery situation is in tip top condition, purchase a new battery if need and perhaps a solar powered panel to recharge it as well.

Today I'm hoping to get a hold list of things accomplished which include taking my mom to the mall so she can get some new panties and bras and anything else that might suit her fancy. This morning I've already cleaned out my freezer and threw out a bunch of old food from the refrigerator to make room for the almost 13 pounds of chocolate I bought at Trader Joe's the other day. Yes, I know that sounds a bit excessive but I got this wild hair that inspired me to bring chocolate to the playa this year and I even bought this little thermal carrying case and some refreezable ice packets to keep it from melting as we are wheeling around in the sun on our bikes. I have milk, semisweet, and dark (72%) to satisfy a variety of chocolate desires.
Then God said "Let there be CHOCOLATE"; and there was chocolate. God saw that the chocolate was GOOD; and separated the light from the dark.
My friend Ren asked me why I didn't get any white chocolate and I had to explain to her that white chocolate isn't really chocolate at all. She told me to suck her chocCLIT.

My friend D. just called and there is a costume shop/Burningman yardsale happening right down the street and she's on her way to pick me up. Have a beautiful Sunday, I plan to.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Just a Flirt

Friday Night Options

It's 8:00 in the evening and the temperature has dropped to 95. Hot day. I thought I'd go down for the Friday Night Concert in the Park but the heat has just wore me thin. Did some food shopping for Burningman at Trader Joe's today while the motor home was in the shop getting a new vent installed. I thought we would simply duct tape up the holes to prevent any playa dust from getting inside but it was was worst than I thought. Jerry has a gig tonight and I'm thinking of going out dancing to Albino who is playing just down the street. Some of my Peace Camp mates phoned to let me know what was up so I just might join them. Then again, it's been a long day and Swingtown is on CBS at 10:00. I'm really enjoying that show a lot. Maybe I'll call a certain friend to see if he would like to come over and join me. It sounds pretty good to just kick back and relax at home and maybe, if I'm feeling industrious, I'll get a bit more packing done.

Ok, this is weird. I just this minute discovered bunch of old You Tube videos that I tried posting at various times over the last few months to this blog but they never came through--except they have just appeared on my blog. I have to go check them out now. Strange.

Here are some of my 1970's swinger friends, Roger & Janet, Trina & Tom, Susan & Bruce. Ha. It's a good show, really it is.

To Live Is To Fly

Cowboy Junkies pay tribute to Townes Van Zant
To Live is to Fly

Won't say I love you babe
Won't say I need you babe
But I'm going to get you babe
and I will not do you wrong
Living's mostly wasting time
and I waste my share of mine
but it never feels too good
so let's not take too long
I'm soft as glass and you're a gentle man
we got the sky to talk about
and the world to lie upon
Days up and down they come
like rain on a conga drum
forget most, remember some
but don't turn none away
Everything is not enough
nothing is too much to bear
where you been is good and gone
all you keep's the getting there
To live is to fly low and high
so shake the dust off of your wings
and the sleep out of your eyes
It's goodbye to all my friends
It's time to go again
Think of all the poetry
and the pickin' down the line
I'll miss the system here
the bottom's low and the treble's clear
but it don't pay to think too much
on the things you leave behind
I may be gone but I won't be long
I'll be bringing back the melody
and the rhythm that I find
We all got holes to fill
and them holes are all that's real
some fall on you like a storm
sometimes you dig your own
But choice is yours to make
time is yours to take
some dive into the sea
some toil upon the stone
To live is to fly low and high
so shake the dust off of your wings
the sleep out of your eyes

Reunion with Christian the Lion

Aw, pretty darn sweet. A tribute to love and friendship.

South Pacific - A Wonderful Guy

New Relationship Energy

I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair by Mary Martin or (You Can't Fix A Man When He's Wrong!)

New Relationship Energy gone awry.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Another As A Personal Challenge

There Is No Spoon

Yesterday's post wasn't actually finished as I still need to answer the question, "What is real here?"

This is a continuation of the discussion I was having with Pema yesterday. She posed this question, "Is ego necessary to sustain passion and bring a project to fruition?" We bantered back and forth and it certainly does seem that ego is necessary for functioning in this material world. How could we possibly exist in physicality if it weren't for the ego? Ego seems to be the glue that allows it all to happen. And yet at the same time, ego also messes everything up. Give ego an inch and it always, ALWAYS takes a mile. It's the nature of the beast. And yet, I suspect that the answer to Pema's question is that yes indeed, we do need to function from ego to garner the passion to succeed in life and manifest our goals.

As handy as ego is, as much as I need it for my creative expression and basic survival, it's also a big pain in the ass, gets in my way and needs to die. Death to the ego! I say this rather tongue-in-cheek as ego busting is what I like to call it. It's a paradox--can't live with it, can't live without it. But as I ponder this dilemma it comes to me that that ego it not so much the problem but rather, attachment to ego. Aw, there's the rub! Attachment rears its ugly head once again. It's sort of like someone with a food addiction. One can't give up eating so one needs to learn how to maintain a healthy relationship with food.

Attachment to ego and it's stories and the pain body it creates is the baggage we carry around in our relationships. Ego isn't real so attachment to an illusion doesn't make a lot of sense. Like in the movie The Matrix--there is no spoon (I've done spoon bending with my mind by the way, like the spoons pictured in this post.) So, what is real? Love. Love is the answer to the question, "What is real here?" and it's all that really matters to me. But, and this is a big BUT, I need my ego to function and I need it to be in tip top condition and so it must be fed--but not a diet of fast junk food. Ego has an addiction and it will eat and eat until it's a big, overweight, malnourished, and diseased pain body telling me all sort of delusional things. If I allow myself to be off guard, lose my awareness and fall for it's trap, it fucks me all up in my relationships. So I need to find a happy medium of sorts. I need to appease ego. It works hard for me and must be compensated. I know that love is all there really is and that's all that really matters to me in my relationships, BUT I also have ego to contend with. This leaves me with the tricky business of balancing my relationship dynamics in a way that feed and satisfy ego enough to leave me free to love. It's sort of like putting your young children in front of the television for an entertaining movie that will hold their attention long enough so mom and dad can sneak off to the bedroom for some much needed lovemaking.


Wednesday, August 13, 2008

What Is Real Here?

Well I keep posting pictures of myself because I have writer's block. I did have an interesting conversation with my friend Pema this morning after our morning walk in the park. Maybe I'll write about that.

We were discussing relationships and the issue of rights we as individuals possess in our relationships. It's a concept that really didn't resonate with either of us. Rights in relationship seem to relate to victimhood, as in the perception that someone is violating, duping, cheating, deceiving, or in some way violating me. This is a place neither of us are willing to go--or at least stay for an extended period of time. I'm fine with calling a spade a spade but I'd rather take responsibility for my part in a relationship than blame Another for the choices they make that aren't working for me.

Of course I have rights. This is elementarily obvious. I have the right to say and do and attempt to create anything I want in this life. I have the right to make whatever choices I make for whatever reasons I make them. I have the right to end a relationship, stay in the relationship, ask for what I want etc. Another also has rights. Another has the right to consider me, not consider me, love me, not love me, keep their agreements with me, break their agreements, tell me the truth, lie, give me what I want, not give me what I want, give me what I don't want, etc. The choices Another makes in relationship to me specifically and in relationship to self and to life, will obviously influence the choices I make about being in relationship with them.

I have the right to want what I want and to ask for what I want but Another has this right also so if what I want and what Another wants don't jive, or if Another doesn't agree to give me what I request, or doesn't follow through in giving me what they said they would, I need to figure out if it's worth staying in the relationship under those conditions. The tricky thing here is that I have various wants and often Another is fulfilling some of them while not fulfilling others. This is the case more often than not. It seems ludicrous to expect Another to always provide everything I want so...where to go from here?

What is beyond the issue of rights that needs to be considered when we are negotiating relationship dynamics and considering the best possible parameters for the relationship in regards to our well being? I suppose first off I need to consider whether the relationship is working for me or not in very concrete terms and this can be a complicated conundrum to contemplate. ALWAYS a complicated conundrum when there are problems where the heart is concerned. Often times part of the relationship is working well and other parts are not. This basically boils down to the cost/benefit ratio of what am I getting out of this relationship as opposed to what is it costing me. Some of the basic assessments I make at this point are:

1. How often to I feel good about the way this relationship is going as opposed to how often I feel bad about it? I might use the words happy and unhappy in this assessment. Relationships have their up and downs but overall if I'm in a relationship and I'm not at the very least 51% feeling good about the way the relationship is going to 49% feeling bad about the course it's taking then I better change something. And it's me that has to create the change because Another may not be willing to do so. If they are and they do, well fine, but in the end this is about what I must do differently not them.

2. What needs are being met in this relationship? And I don't necessarily measure this against what needs are not being met because I don't expect Another nor the relationship I create with them to meet all my needs. I just want to be fully aware of what particular needs are being addressed. I can then go about my business of appreciating what I'm receiving and going elsewhere for the rest.

3. Am I in this relationship to get something? Probably so. But I may also be here to give (probably so) and giving doesn't necessary cost me anything. Maybe this time around I'm here to focus more on the giving than the getting. Either way is okay and either way is my choice to take it and move forward or leave it behind but this a significant question to ponder. Especially important to consider is whether I can continue giving without resentment. I also want to make sure that I'm not being blind to some of the gifts I am receiving.

4.Is my heart open? Staying, leaving, changing, whatever I do I want to do it with an open heart.

5. Am I flowing the love? Staying, leaving, changing, whatever I do I want to flow the love.

6. Am I telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? If I'm not, this is my intention so it's time to step up to the plate. What is the truth that I need to speak? Is Another telling me the truth? What if they aren't? What is there for me to do about that? Is this a relationship I'm willing to stay in without Another's commitment to telling me the truth?

7. Have I committed to this relationship and am I keeping my agreements?

8. Why am I here? If I'm unhappy and I'm still here, what am I getting out of this?

9. What would staying or leaving or changing the parameters of this relationship offer me?

10. Is ego making up stories and encouraging me to relate to Another from my pain body? Probably so. But how much credence do I want to offer to this illusion? How much am I willing to identify with what isn't real? What is real here?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Color and Texture

I spent a good portion of today in preparation for Burningman. First off I got our motor home re-smoged (second time since June) which did me absolutely no good and the DMV made me have it checked out by a CHP officer as there was a problem with the VIN number. Many hours later we were nearly good to go. One more trip to the DMV tomorrow. Later I saw clients and packed clothes for the playa.

These pictures reflect some of the things I've been up to this summer.
First are the new curtains and reupholstered cushions I've made for the motor home. I'm so pleased with all the colors and textures.

Next is a dog's eye view of the ocean in Santa Barbara.

And a couple of pictures of the the Santa Barbara court house along with a view of the rooftops.

We visited this wonderful little yarn shop in Santa Barbara and I couldn't resist this beautiful silk yard with glass beads. I tried leaving the store without it but it stuck to my hand. I'm knitting a scarf to go with one of my outfits at Burningman. This is a picture of the yarn rolling machine, rolling my new yarn into a ball.

My little altar at D. and R.'s with my treasures from the ocean.

And my Burningman scarf in progress.

More Self Portraits Without Glasses

Waiting For The Shift

I've been enjoying a new level of intimacy with my husband. I love that we can talk about everything and that there are no taboo subjects to separate us. I don't remember how long ago it was, the last time I felt nervous about bringing up some truth that needed to be said to him. It's a safe yet exciting space we inhabit--me having nothing to hide from him, he holding no secrets from me, each of us showing up for whatever the other has to offer in words and deed.

Awhile back I posted about liars and Jerry asked it there was something we needed to talk about and clear. I couldn't think of anything and neither could he but when he read my post it triggered his understanding of how important it is to check in with each other. That's part of what being in a committed relationship is about. Checking in. It's not that we consciously withhold important information from the other but sometimes in the course of our busy lives, we occasionally neglect to disclose something that might better serve us laid out on the table. We are both so done living in the shadows.

I've been contemplating what it means to be in a committed relationship and what's been coming up for me is the time and energy it takes to keep the love flowing. This dance of the committed relationship seems to unfold fairly simply and organically for Jerry and I but it still requires some effort. And there are no set steps for this dance. Each relationship seems to uniquely choreograph itself, but each demands a certain amount of devoted attention to keep a sense of integrity, balance, and love flowing freely. Complacency breeds stagnation.

When I commit to a love relationship my intention is to do whatever it takes to keep my heart open and the love flowing freely between us. You can trust that I will tell you the truth and that I will to do my very best to take care of your heart by considering my actions and how they may affect you. Jerry and I do this easily and well for one another.

I have another love relationship in which I've been very out of balance. My tendency has been to be a low maintenance friend and to not ask for much. I've been enjoying to a certain extent, wanting what is rather than striving to get what I want. I appreciate receiving what is available and freely given but I'm not against asking for something if the need or desire is strong enough.

So my lost of equilibrium in this particular relationship is not because I was ignoring my needs or desires, but rather because when those needs and desires arose, Another was not available to meet me where I wanted to go. He was either unwilling or incapable of showing up for me in ways that he had agreed to show up and I was unwilling to search him out in an attempt to eek some love out of him. I prefer attention that is freely given and as spiritually enamored as I am with self growth, I don't always want my ego busted. I'm worth being pursued.

I don't know what to do about this. Perhaps there is nothing to do and until the muddy waters of my mind settle I'll continue to do nothing. My emotions have calmed down, my heart is open and love is flowing. I'm not telling my truth but I'm not willfully withholding either. I do have a stubborn streak but when someone makes the choice to disappear from my life I'm not so sure it's in either of our best interest to chase after them. So this continues, neither of us making an effort to connect. We each have our reasons of course and my ego tells me that my reason is valid and appropriate. I'm not willing to contact him and I'm not ready to make myself available to him until something shifts. And I don't know if this shift is in him or in me or in the stars. Maybe all three. Thing is, when it happens I'll know.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Self Portrait

A couple of my friends say that the pictures of me with glasses just don't look like me.

My Body Yields Its Scent

Love is the cure,

for your pain will keep giving birth to more pain
until your eyes constantly exhale love
as effortlessly as your body yields its scent.

From Love Poems from God by Daniel Ladinsky

Tonight I am exhaling love and my body yields it's scent. I have a few men on my mind.


☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮

Aw, I'm home and it feels so good. Being away was good too. Very good. But this is where I need to be right now and I'm at peace. R and D were good to me and I love and miss them. I even love and miss their doggies too and that's saying a lot as I am definitely not a dog person. No, not I, not by a long shot. But still, their dogs are very wonderful and I enjoyed my time with them too. Jerry picked me up at the Sacramento Airport and it was so good to see his smiling face greeting me there at the bottom of the escalator. I love that man so much. He really is my best friend. We had quite the bedroom reunion after our drive home and afterwards went out for a nice salmon dinner, a glass of wine and then more hankie pankie when we got back home again.

This morning we slept in and cuddled and then walked to a neighborhood cafe for coffee and breakfast. I have lots to do today, unpacking, packing a bit for Burningman and then off to a friend's 60th birthday party. After that we have a Burningman dinner with our Peace Camp mates. Some place in between all this activity I need to get by to visit my mommy.

I give thanks for all the goodness in my life. I am truly blessed.

Hey did you know that the peace sign turned 50 years old this year?

☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮ ☮

Friday, August 8, 2008

A Big Ego-Beast With Baggage

I ran across this Rumi poem by Coleman Barks today and it really struck me. I've been intensely engaged in big ego-beast/pain body/queen of hearts negotiation with myself in relation to friendship/love relationship issues.

Two Friends

A certain person came to the Friend's door
and knocked.
"Who's there?"
"It's me."
The Friend answered, "Go away. There's no place
for raw meat at this table."

The individual went wandering for a year.
Nothing but the fire of separation
can change hypocrisy and ego. The person returned
completely cooked,
walked up and down in front of the Friend's house,
gently knocked.
"Who is it?"
"Please come in, my self,
there's no place in this house for two.
The doubled end of the thread is not what goes through
the eye of the needle.
It's a single-pointed, fined-down, thread end,
not a big ego-beast with baggage."

This Being Human

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~
(The Essential Rumi, versions by Coleman Barks)

I was gifted with this poem in my email this morning. I've been doing a lot of negotiating with my ego the last couple of months. It has its ideas, thoughts, insights, and stories and the gamut of emotions that arise along with them. I'm listening and taking it all in. Allowing it to guide me and then letting it go. Contemplating this being human as a guest house and all that I invite in.

The Queen Of Hearts

The Queen of Hearts is manifesting powerfully in my life right now. She is hot and juicy and pouring out a lava flow of love sweet love.