Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The Year of Death

I hereby proclaim 2011 The Year of Death.  The Grim Reaper has struck again.

I friend just told me that she has lost 25 friends and family members this year.  It's only August.  I haven't counted how many in my life have gone in the last 7 1/2 months.

Today, an 80 year old friend of a friend found her 24 year old grandson dead in the bathroom.  He had fallen and hit his head.  Besides my friend, he was the only person she really had in her life who was there for her.  Twenty-four years old.  A young promising life.  That's the age of my youngest son.  Can you imagine?

My 14 year old kitty might be dying.  She's lost half of her body weight...I'm feeding her extra well and giving her kitty supplements but...

I've mentioned all the other death, dying, grief, letting go issues that I currently have going on in my life.  Death is definitely my Rite of Passage this year, and the theme of Burning Man 2011.  It will most definitely be my ritual focus.

Fuck you death.  I never thought I feared you before.  You got a grip on me.  I bow to your power.  All hail the Grim Reaper.  Scary bastard.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Moon, She is Glowing, Flowing and Growing

Full Moon Tarot Reading


What do I need to know about my current struggle (with K and in general as K just represents a part of myself)?  Clarity in regards to my current struggle.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm still struggling in regards to my relationship with K.  But I am.  I hate that feeling of having lost my power.  At the same time, I'm pleased with my ability to give myself to love.  There is certainly nothing for me to be ashamed of because I've opened my heart and allowed myself to be vulnerable.  I'm the lucky one.  And I know that my struggle is not just about K and I.  I had so much going on in my life before this glitch in our matrix revealed itself.  Death/letting go/emotional overwhelm was already up in a big way before K pushed me over the edge and Death continues to assert itself. People in my life have been dropping like flies.  My mama is still dying. Dying is her life process right now and I'm more aware than ever how this life is a training ground for death and I'm grateful for every moment I have left to spend with her. But I continue to be triggered around K's and my relationship.  Various stuff comes up that throws me off kilter.  The hardest thing is the experience of separation, when we are out of sync with one another.  I've really lost my balance.  I'll be going along just fine and then I find myself falling into a void, as if I've lost my identify and I don't know who I am or what my role is. I don't know how to be his friend and not his lover.  I don't want to be his friend and not his lover.  It's like I was kicked off a train before I had reached my destination and it pisses me off.  It's an awkward and sad place or me.  Sometimes.  Not always.  Truthfully I'm quite fine, most of the time, but this tender hearted vulnerability has a grip on me.

I have been struggling with hope and fear.  I have fears and hopes about my relationship with K that I've been afraid to admit, that I have not paid full attention to.  Here they are, spelled out in this tarot reading.
These three cards represent:
Who I am, my heart.
What's going on for me right now.
The obstacle facing me, my challenge, what I need to integrate.

Who I am--The Two of Cups is upside down
What's going on for me--Ace of Cups is almost upside down also
My Challenge--Death (fuck you death)

Yes, I'm a water girl--Cups represent water. Emotions.  Ya think?!

Twos represent balance and are ruled by the moon.  My heart is receptive with a strong attractive force.  That's a good thing.  Of course I know this about myself and it pleases me.  I'm what Jerry calls a "warm woman".  Twos can also be very secretive and private, and I definitely am this way also.  This aspect of self arrives when I don't feel very safe and trusting which I don't right now.  I feel very vulnerable.  The Two of Cup and the Ace of Cups are interesting polar opposites because the ace is an outward thrust, it's about putting yourself out there, which is what I see myself doing when I tell the truth about what's going on for me, like when I write in this blog.  It's scary.    The two of cups in more inward and represents all the deep watery emotions surrounding, this is so much of who I am and what I'm about.  This is my heart.  My heart = love and sex.  This card often refers to two parts of the self, it also represents who we are in regards to another,  it relates to our sexual relationship with another.  For me, who I am is who I am in relationship with another. In this reading, it's about K.  Consider the name of this blog.  This card represents harmony and new love--new relationship energy (NRE) which is wild and sweet.  It's about unconscious desires and a heart full of love. The outcome of this card (not this reading) is union.  Well, maybe it is also the outcome of this reading.  We shall see.  I'm always seeking union.  This is who I am.  K tells me he isn't sexually attracted to me anymore and here I am, seeking union with him anyway.  Again, my sexual loving relationships is how I play out who I am.  With my K, with my husband, with Lover Who Is Not My Lover...

Funny it's about newness...?  And I can't ignore the fact that it's totally upside down.  All this good juicy energy that is trying to emanate from the Two of Cups is blocked.  There is a reverse flow. My receptivity is blocked, my power of attraction is blocked.  I seek union but it's not happening. 

Aces represent gifts and the Ace of Cups is the gift of love.  It's an outpouring.  It is the beginning of love.  NRE comes up again.  The Ace of Cups says that the root of what I am going through right now is big watery emotions.  Again, more newness, the beginning of something?  I'm diving in gracefully. Whoa.  Diving in gracefully?  I don't feel graceful.  I feel out of balance and awkward (sometimes I feel grateful moving through this, and I know I'm a harsh judge of myself). This is a feel good card--all about the feminine and being receptive to unconditional love.  Well, if this is what I'm going through it's surely in disguise.   I don't feel good and I don't feel unconditional love.  Okay, that's not true.  I do feel unconditional love, from both the love I'm giving and the love I'm receiving. That is ultimately true but not always my truth of the moment.

My obstacle, the challenge I need to integrate is the major arcana card--DEATH.  So I have something to let go of?  Really?  What?  Hope and Fear?  K?  My mom?  K to love me the way I want him to love me?  The Death card in tarot doesn't usually signify actual physical death but perhaps in this case it does.  As a metaphor, the obvious death is of my and K's relationship, or the ending of the way I want it to be, or thought it was.  Maybe it's a death of something else... This card seems to read pretty obvious and it's not in reverse. Just tipped to the left a bit--repressed.  I don't want to admit that I might be in denial.  I don't want to accept death, letting go, grief, loss.  I'm a hanger on-er.  This makes my heart hurt.   Too much death surrounding me.  But I know that death is always about rebirth.  Something transformed always rises out of the ashes. Something is definitely changing.  Am I the one dying and changing in some deeply spiritual way (of course) or is this challenge the obvious process I'm going through with K?  My mom is dying.  It's all connected for me. but I can't see the forest for the trees. 
Here is the root of my reading, the foundation.  My unconsciousness mind.  My body.  JUDGEMENT, another major arcana card.  Pretty much reversed also, at least very repressed, held back.  This card speaks of a decision I've already made but it's blocked.  Goodness, isn't it enough that this card already represents the unconscious?!  Judgement is about taking personal responsibility and owning myself and my life (I don't feel like I own my life right now), keeping my heart open and not judging others but holding them in understanding and compassion. Judgement offers the end of suffering (except that it's reversed so it speaks to my current suffering)  It's another rebirth, just like the death card.  It's also about telling the truth and healing wounds and NON-ATTACHMENT.  Attachment is causing my suffering.  I know that.  This is my root.  My strength.  The other day I told K I wanted to talk and my plan was to be very frank and honest with him about some things that were very clear to me about our relationship.  I was coming from a very open hearted space of self responsibility and feelings of love and compassion for both of us.  Then I got triggered and decided not to talk with him.
Another reversal.  The MAGICIAN is my recent past, what I've just been though.  And it is almost reversed with a strong, masculine, overbearing push.  Goals, passion, a sense of purpose, motivation.  It's already gone, pushed out. Too quickly?  Is this the sense I have about being pushed off the train before I reached my destination?  I've lost my passion, my sense of purpose, my power.  Did this sneak up on me during my on going relationship with K over the last 3 years or from being pushed off the train?  This card is about intention.  I thought that I had a strong intention but K didn't seem too.  But that's not true.  We both had/have the intention to love.  But all this stuff that gets unconsciously attached to love...I think for both of us...  I didn't want to force my agenda onto him.  Honestly, I tried to not have an agenda with him.  I tried to go with the flow and let our relationship organically unfold, evolve.  He recently told me that he had a totally different idea about polyamory how it is for me.  He said he didn't know what he was getting himself into (we never do, love has it's way with us, it's complicated.)  Although two years ago he told me if he stayed in this relationship with any longer, that our bond would grow and he would get attached.  But I guess he didn't.  Not to me as a lover he wanted to claim as his own anyway.  Not only do I feel like he pushed me off the train.  He fucking derailed it!  The Magician is a channel that brings ideas into physical form through intention.  I feel like I failed.  I was a lousy Magician with K.  The Magician also initiates sexual energy.  I stirred something up in K for sure, but was unable to maintain it with him.  I have a lot of sexual energy but I'm a submissive lover.  There was so much I once imagined that we could experience together sexually, but the fire never really got raging. The sex, when it happened, was good.  Good enough.  Mostly.  Sometimes it was really good.  I enjoyed it.  I adored his cock.  He used it well. He is a good lover.  But it's not my style to take the reigns and he wasn't picking them up. I wanted him to.  But his sexuality was so compartmentalized compared to the freedom of mine. He didn't want me the way I wanted him.  I didn't want to put pressure on him so I backed off. I practiced being content with what was, of being low maintenance for him.  I took what he gave me with appreciation.  I wanted more but didn't let myself yearn for it or suffer from attachment of wanting more that he was willing to give.  Not much anyway.  I was basically happy and content.  Or maybe in denial but I don't think so.  My role as The Magician was to awaken his sexual intensity to match my own.  That never happened.  My Shakti power failed me with K and the Magician has left the house.
The Son of Cups is what I'm thinking about.  Not reversed but pushed energy. Shiva.  Male energy that honors the female.  A nice quiet aspect of male beingness.  The son of cups reminds me of K. and I do think about him a lot.  It reminds me of my husband too and I think about him a lot.  The Son of Cups also represents the lover.  A lover's desire.  I have lots of desire.  And I think a lot about my desire and being a lover.  I think about K's lack of desire for me.  The Son of Cups brings the gift of himself/herself to his lover and I think about that, how I offered myself to K--how he offers himself to me.  And I still carry sacred visions in regard to him, visions that come from the deepest part of myself.  My heartsongs are very Rumi-est, and they allow for love to have its way outside of a rigid form.  The Son of Cups also brings what's unconscious to the surface so he helps with my unconscious Judgement stuff.  Put he is too pushed, not balanced.  This card tells me to meditate more.
Another fucking reversal.  This annoys me but it makes sense.  I've been feeling so unbalanced.  Topsy Turvy. Crap.  This is my near future.  Another two which is about balance but then not, because it's reversed.  So I'm UNBALANCED. I know that.  Look at her, she is holding twins.  We all know what it must be like to manage twins.  Not an easy task.  Here are my two parts, always pushing and pulling me in different directions.  She's handling it well here, but not really because this card is reversed.  She would be grounded in all that nice earth energy if she were upright, but she's not.  This is not a definite prediction of what's coming to me, but rather a warning of what it could be if I don't get my act together.  This is not an "Oh yea" card, "Look at all the awesomeness coming my way!"  This is a card that says I have a heck of a lot to handle and I better it my shit together fast if I want to pull it off successfully.  Git yerself balanced girlfriend!
Ah, the Ace of Discs.  How I see myself.  Not necessarily how I really am...perhaps not how others perceive me but this is how I see myself in relation to who I actually am--the reversed The Reversed Two of Cups.  Another ace which is about beginnings.  I'm always beginning.  I'm a big baby too.  And I want to be held and caressed and physically loved upon.  I don't like endings but I do like beginning.  Discs are grounded but this card is tilted so this energy is held back, repressed--just a bit.  I know I'm struggling with balance.  No doubt .  The Ace of Discs is an innocent but powerful creator, making ideas into reality.  I do that.  I try not to use my will too much to create because sometimes I get what I want that way but it doesn't always turn out so well.  I try to create with love, with my heart.
The Lovers.  Of course.  And of course they are reversed.  And of course, this is the position of my HOPES and FEARS.  Lord have mercy on me.  My unconscious projections.  Good thing I've had all these realizations about owning and honoring my hopes and fears along with my emotions.  Being a lover is on my mind and this card is about being in relationship with another.  And then there is the question, "Are we going to be lovers or not?"  I'm holding on this question in regards to K--I haven't wanted to let go of that possibility even though he's told me he isn't sexually attracted to me.  I suppose we have things on hold for now...his words.  I don't care (I do care) I still consider us lovers whether he wants to use his cock to make love with me or not.  His loss (and mine).  I'm equally afraid of both my hopes and my fears in regards to this question. What I hope for, I also fear.  Part of me tells me to just move on.  Another part refuses to do that.  This card is reversed, for one thing, because I've made it so personal.  It's not really about me loving K specifically, but I've made it about him. There is a lot of sexual energy in this card.  I surrendered myself to K, sexually.  I gave myself up to him and he didn't claim me and I was still waiting (patiently) for him to do that when he kicked me off the train.  Ouch. And ultimately I know very well that it was the force of love itself that I surrendered to and that is a beautiful and amazing thing.  Yet I still get lost in the fact that it was K who embodied the possibility for me to love.  I'm sexually attracted to so very few men and I was able to go for it with him, to that place that lovers go. But he did not allow himself to go there with me.
Finally, a card that is not reversed!  The Seven of Wands represents a person in my psychic space, my environment.  Someone close to me.  Let's see, who am I obsessed with?  Who am I addicted to?  Who am I in love with?  My husband, K, Lover Who Is Not My Lover (who I've been choosing not to even see because my life is too complicated right now as it is and I can only spread myself so thin.) Sevens are about inner work and self reflection.  All three of these men throw me head first into that boat!  The Seven of Wands is about taking personal responsibility.    It's about telling the truth.  I trust that K has done that with me.  At least to the best of his ability--he's told me how it is for him, and I respect that.  I don't necessarily agree with him, not that I necessarily disagree with him either.   But I do think there is more to the story.  I challenge his truth of the moment.  This care reflects a verbal exchange and also, sexual energy  along with that deep purpose that I part of me seems to have lost.  I know K serves a deep purpose in my life and I believe I also serve a deep purpose in his.  The person this card represents is extremely significant in my life, it's not about superficial communication but soul connection.
I pulled several outcome cards.  All wands, just like the person in my psychic space card.  I need a major arcana card for a definitive outcome and one finally came after four pulls.  I have some stuff to move through, that's for sure.  This first one is the Six of Wands.  And she's almost reversed, as usual.  Of course, sixes represent decisive action!  Ha.  Six of Wands also represent personal power which I haven't been experiencing much of as of late.  She is in command of the situation, self confident and balanced. She is a Shakti (sexual energy goddess) and she is victorious.  Well, here she is all her glory with all that fine energy blocked!  I sense too much male energy here and the need to surrender.
Here's the second outcome card I pulled.  The Five of Wands.  Not reversed!  And why should it bother to be reversed since fives are all about struggle!  But the Five of Wands is about fighting fair. There is a conflict that needs to be resolved but it is done with love and respect.  Well, that's a given with K and I.  Pressure is released in small, contained explosions (and the only explosions so far have been my tears) and my anger that gets released in my husband's direction because I feel safe with him. Each  person's voice gets to be heard and each view expressed.  Another card that represents the rebirth and harmony.  Nice.
Interesting huh, my third outcome card is the Four of Wands (yes, these cards were shuffled well).  6...5...4...and it's upright too! Stability.  Thank the good lord!  Magic happens in the gap created by the 4!  The Four of Wants is a rite of passage...this years theme at Burning Man!  It's a joyful celebration.  It's a passing from one stage to another.   There is an integration with male energy in this card.  There is thanks and appreciation and blessings from divine realms.  Oh my.  I'll take a double helping of that please.
And finally, my major arcana outcome card--JUSTICE.  Setting things right. KARMA. If I've been hurt (I have been), it's time to let that go.  It tells me that my efforts to understand my situation will pay off and that I am coming into awareness about my place in the scheme of these things.  Yes, exactly, this is what I have lost and have been floundering around trying to find.  My place with K.  There will be sign from the divine to guide me.  I feel so blessed and guided by the moon at this time!   This card brings BALANCE, and a sense of peace.  What I've been waiting for happens.  What I need, I receive.

A pretty outstanding reading I'd say.  And I gives me hope...and admitting that...fear.

My zen mama titties.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Hope and Fear

My first Burning Man, 2006, the theme was Hope and Fear.  I took on a personification of the Zen Mother admonishing my children to banish both hope and fear.  It seemed that the popular viewpoint of the burning masses was to give up fear and rely on hope as their saving grace.  I didn't buy into that party line.

I'll be arriving on the playa at just about this time, two weeks from today, and I'm bringing the t-shirt I wore that year--with the words, Abandon Hope and Fear All Ye Who Suckle Here written on the front, with holes cut out that expose my nipples.  Easy access for nursing infants seeking solace from their mother's milk along with her zen wisdom.

Early Sunday morning, with the full moon still visible in the dawning sky, I began my ritual to regain some of my spiritual, earthy, wise woman, juju.  Standing there with my outstretched arms, beseeching my moon mama/soul sister/wise woman mentor, the personal meaning of my current struggle with hope and fear dawned on me.

Not that my path isn't still confusing and overwhelming tricky to follow, but I realized with a deep visceral understanding, how important my emotions are to my particular spiritual path.  I'm a water girl through and through.  I feel things deeply.  I create with my emotions, to my betterment or detriment.  I knew in that moment, to an extent I've never been aware of before, my harmful practice of rejecting, hiding, not fully owning and experiencing my negative emotions.   And I'm not a Polly Anna.  I don't attempt to portray myself as Little Miss Cheerful while I'm secretly grinding my jaw in resentment.  I'm not a person who fakes positivity to herself or others.  But, I am aware that my mind and the stories it creates, also create negative emotions (depending on the nature of the story of course) and that wallowing in emotions makes the pain body bigger, and stronger, and that the pain body loves to hurt, and that indulging in negative emotions is like pouring salt on a wound, flaming the fire...and, well, I try to avoid doing that as much as possible.  I know better than to repress, but repression hides, it's insidious, covert. That's its nature.

And all this managing of my negative emotions is directly related to my hopes and fears.  A big part of my spiritual path is to not indulge myself in hope and fear.  Of course I do a lot of both because I'm not a fully enlightened human being and that's what we humans do a lot of--hoping and fearing.  But my practice is to accept things as they are and if I want things to be different, I hold the intention for them to be different while doing whatever practical (or impractical) thing I can think of to make them different.  Living a fear based life isn't attractive to me and I tend to think of myself as not a very fearful person although if I give a true assessment, I'm pretty darn scared of a lot of things--such as being abandoned or not good enough, or being abandoned for not being good enough just to name a few.  I try not to hope for things to be different because hope implies that things aren't perfect as they are.  And I do hold this lofty idea that things are actually perfect as they are, even if I want them to be different--that's perfect to.  And confusing.  So things are perfectly imperfect right now and they will also be perfect if and when they change, and it's totally okay for me to want them to change and to work (or not) for them to change, as long as I'm not attached to them changing and that would include not hoping they will change.  Like I said, confusing.  There is a difference that I won't even attempt to put into words right now, between hoping things will change and intending things to change.  Hoping bad.  Intending good.  Wink, wink.

All that said, I hope a lot.  I really do.  And standing under that beautiful full moon, I took some deep ownership of my hoping.  I realized in that moment how much I needed to fully embrace my hopes, to love and cherish them.  My fears too.  So I held out my hopes and fears and I shared them with the moon and she shined her soft morning light upon them.

So right now, I'm attempting to fully honor and embrace every last one of my hopes and fears, and I intend, once they are fully experienced, when I'm ready,  I will release them.  And I know, that fully experiencing things takes time.  It is a long process that involves a lot of experiencing and letting go, grasping back and tenaciously holding on until I release again. And so on the circle goes.

But I just gotta say, that Sunday morning with that beautiful full moon and her powerful juju--she shined her blessings on me.  She loved me.  She loved my hopes and fears, and accepted every part of me as only a mama, soul sister, wise woman mentor can.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Calling On The Full Moon to Return My Spiritual, Magic, Earthy Juju

I'm depressed.
My spiritual path sucks.
But it's the only thing that makes sense to me.
I'm just going to ramble here...

I'm struggling with the balance of wanting what is and selling myself short.
What the fuck does that even mean?
I know that attachment does me in every time.
I know that when I release attachment I release my suffering.
But sometimes a girl just has to be where she is.
After all, there is no place else to be.  Right?
Where is that fucking balance between accepting the reality of what is and wanting what I want?
And there are two realities of what I want, that I'm not sure I'm capable of writing about in a clear and coherent manner.

Here it is, what I don't want.  I have it.  I must accept that this it is.  I don't have to like it but I have to admit to its presence in my life.  This is the part I'm always trying to deal with in a positive way.  Utilize its present in my life by finding the value of it.  I have it,  so I might as well want it and use it for something good.  Right?  Sometimes it's difficult to want but bottom line is that I have to deal with it.  I have to accept its presence in my life even if I don't accept it as a good thing.  But here's the clincher--this acceptance thing.  Bare minimum I can accept it as a non avoidable fact, at least for the time being. The next best thing is to accept it as a good thing.  Accepting it as a good thing simply means that it's good because it's here.  It doesn't mean that it's ultimately good although it may be.  That factor is unknown.  But it is good for some reason or else it wouldn't be here.  Maybe it's here because it really is a good thing that will better my life and I just don't see it that way at the moment.  Maybe it's good because I need to get rid of it or change it, and it's the experience of the particular process of dealing with it that is good.

If I'm attached to not having this thing, then I suffer.  It's not the wanting of things to be different that makes me suffer, it's my attachment to things being different that makes me suffer.  So acceptance and attachment (or non attachment) are two very separate things.  This shit makes me talk in circles.  It makes me feel mentally ill.  This is my spiritual path?  Fuck me.

I try to want/love whatever is here while it's here.  That doesn't mean I need to keep it around.  I can even actively work on getting rid of it.  It's just that if I become attached to being rid of it, then I suffer. Is this process I'm trying to describe as crazy making for you as it is for me?  And that's not even the difficult part.

Here's the difficult part.  I struggle with keeping my balance in the reality of what it.  I know (at least I believe from what I've learned up to this point in my life) from experience that I must allow myself to fully experience what is.  What is, has two parts--first, it is this thing in my life that I don't want; second, it's my emotional reaction to this thing.   There is the truth, the ultimate truth of whatever is, and then there is the truth of the moment.  The truth of the moment may be that I'm angry, sad, depressed, wanting to throw a fit, scream, cry, feel sorry for myself, resist, deny the reality, hope for something different, fear that what I think is, actually is...on and on.  The ultimate truth may be that all is love, all is good, all is perfect just as it is, yada fucking yada.

Here is my dilema:  My spiritual path tells me to get to wanting what is, as quickly as possible.  That's the best way to possibly deal with it.  My spiritual path also tells me to fully experience my emotions and truth of the moment, whatever it is.   I know that fully experiencing my emotions will best allow me to come to that place of wanting what is anyway.  So why do I struggle with all of this so?

I think it's my different parts.  There is the big ME and the little me.  Both me.  Both important.  The big ME knows that there is only love and that all is good because love is good and that's all there really is.  The big ME knows that's whatever is, is love, and it accepts this love in whatever way it manifests.  The little me says, "What the fuck?  I don't want this!  I want love to manifest in this particular way.  I don't want what I have and I want something different and I want it now!  Get rid of this other shit and give me what I want and give it to me right NOW!"

I really don't know how to balance these two parts.  I love that little me, as spoiled and unreasonable and clueless as she can be at times.  She deserves to be heard but not perhaps indulged.  But she wants to be indulged.  She is crying and unhappy and she wants to pout, and throw a temper tantrum and, well, er, you better indulge her or she might burn the fucking house down.  Get it?!

Besides,  I'm making fun of her and she's not all that bad.  In fact, she's not bad.  Unruly and a bit undisciplined yes but she is a free spirit and wasn't meant to be tamed.  Just taught.  Truthfully, I do believe that she deserves to have what she wants.  And I want her to have what she wants.  Because ultimately I believe that that is why she is here.  To get what she wants.  Yep.  I believe that.  To get what she wants in the way she wants it.  And that is okay too.  Yes, she does get a little, er, a lot confused sometimes and that's why big ME, is a part of this whole story too.  big ME is a good guide.  And it's not like little ME getting what she wants is the whole story, but it is a big part of the story.  I believe that this human journey is a lot about getting little ME what she wants.  She can't do it without big Me.  Besides, little ME isn't only selfish--all about meMeME.  Little ME wants to do good in this world.  It's little Me that allows big ME to even be here.  Well, visa versa too.  So it's all about my parts working in harmony.  That's my struggle in a nutshell!  This human journey is a tough nut to crack!

I think I sell myself short.  I get lost between these two parts of myself.  And that's who I am--these two parts.  I've spent a good portion of my life over indulging the untaught little ME and that gets me no where good.  Denying big ME gets me no where good either.  Fuck.  Do you understand why this is so fucking crazy making?  I feel like I've lost my spiritual, magic, earthy, juju.  I feel stupid and powerless.  I feel pissed off.  I'm angry at myself.  I'm lost and confused.  I'm furious.  I'm sad.  I'm depressed.

As a whole, I'm getting by, I'm surviving.  I'm even doing pretty damn fucking good even though I'm angry, sad, and depressed.  I'm also happy a good portion of the time.  Content.  Peaceful.  But I don't no where to go with all of this.  Little me is afraid to talk.  Little me is filled with hope and fear.  I'm tempted in wanting to banish hope and fear.  I even thought to do a ritual to get rid of it.  Big ME knows that hope and fear is a big fat path to no where that is screwing with little me's mind.  But I'm also thinking that I'm just needing to fully embrace all of my hopes and fears.  How do I embrace them fully and then let them go?  That's my question of the moment.

I need some full moon magic to get my juju back.