Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Emotional Torment--Who's Responsible?

See the You Tube Video of Dan Savage that I've posted below: I quote him from the letter he reads and then answers:
"I've been dating the same guy for two years and he still can't say that he loves me. It doesn't seem like a commitment issue it seems like something deeper than that. I seriously don't know what to do, is it me, him, do I continue to wait and hope or to leave him even though I love him.

Yes you leave him. Yes. Now. Tonight. Leave him. He is not giving you what you want. You clearly need to hear those words. He clearly isn't coming up with those words. And you need to listen to your long pathetic whiny question and you need to decide that you don't want to be this whiny pathetic person, that you want to be with someone who isn't tormenting you emotionally. Whether this is intentional sadism or not,it is withholding that he is doing. He is either in this relationship because he wants a romantic attachment and he wants love in his life or he's out. You gave him two years. He's out. I hate to use the name of that book. I'm not going to use the name of that book (He's Just Not That Into You) because it's not always that. He could be into you. But he could be into fucking with you. He could be into making you suffer. And keeping you on tenterhooks. This could be a power play. Are you really in love with somebody who is gonna play these kinds of head games and power trips with you? Really? You don't have to be.

How depressing that question was."

I've written about the book/concept of He's Just Not That Into You before. It makes a lot of sense a lot of the time. It's not rocket science. We know how we treat people who we are "into" and in return, we know how those people who are "into" us, treat us. This pretty much follows a general rule of how most humans behave when they are interested in being in relationship with another. When we are "into" a person, we pay attention to them in a variety of ways, we make time for them, do special things for/with them, etc.. As time goes on our affectionate behavior increases and deepens...we tell them that we love and miss them, we give them gifts, make ourselves even more available to spend time with them, increase the level/depth of our communication, increase physical intimacy, etc.. This is the basis character/nature of the direction of growth in intimate relationships.

Sometimes though, something seems to be missing, such as when this woman (or man) told Dan Savage that her lover of 2 years still didn't say "I love you." There could be a variety of reasons as to why a person doesn't meet our expectations/wants/needs in intimate relationship. Often, the reason is simple and you need to get the clue, He's Just Not That Into You. But sometimes, as Dan points out, he is into you but he is also into "fucking with you" and "making you suffer". Maybe he does love you,but he is also a messed up person who treats the people he loves in unloving ways. So Dan asks a reasonable question, "Are you really in love with someone who is gonna play these kinds of head trips and power games with you?" His advice is to get out of the relationship.

Maybe he is right. He probably is right for a lot of relationships. But, what about issues that can be resolved? I mean, I'd want to ask this person if they had communicated to their lover that it was important for them to hear the words "I love you". I mean, what if they hadn't done that and that all it took was a simple request? That may seem obvious but there are lots of relationships where the couple just don't communicate their needs/wants to their partner very well at all. Even though there is a general nature to most loving relationships and how people behave when they are "into" someone, there is also a great individual divergence in regards to how people give and receive love. And some people are fairly inexperienced at being in relationship and they still need to learn the ropes, so to speak. Maybe this person grew up with a mother and father who never said I love you to each other or maybe they were traumatized by a past lover when they told them that they loved them and now they feel extra vulnerable with that wounding. Each relationship has a different flavor and needs, so over time, each person will add the authenticity of who they are and what they have to give and what they want to receive to/from the relationship. If I'm not giving you what you want, maybe I can learn what it is that you want. Maybe I actually want to learn what it is that you want and then actually start giving you more of whatever that is. And maybe you can learn to do that for me too.

The thing is, this is a lot of heady stuff and it takes a lot of work and mindfulness, so I realize why Dan Savage just told the person to get out. It's simple and maybe some people don't want to put that much energy into making a relationship better. But I'm a complicated person and I'm into sustaining my love relationships. I'm always looking at myself and reflecting on my part in the relationship and what I can do differently when my needs/desires aren't being met. Sometimes what I want is in conflict with something else I want. For instance, I have an Aphrodite Complex--I want to be loved and worshiped, adorned and revered. I want to be wanted and wanted BIG time, lusted after, dreamed of, and fervently missed. I want to be pursued, taken, claimed. But another thing that I want just as much (or almost as much) is to love another just as they are, and to receive their love in the way they are most comfortable giving it. Humm. Not always sure what to do with that one. I'm assuming there is a middle ground, perhaps a happy compromise. And obviously I need to be getting enough of what I want, a hardy dose of the good stuff, or I won't stick around.

But I also have this tendency to humble myself, to just hang out with my feelings for awhile and breathe. I try to just feel my feelings without attachment and getting caught up in my stories. I contemplate. And I really, really desire to accept another just as they are. So I often allow my ego to be busted and then I revel in that busting--all the while I'm suffering from the emotional torment. It's part of my spiritual journey and my path to enlightenment. And I recognize the value in this. Some of this is fine. Some of this is really good stuff even though it feels shitty. And I'm OK with continuing on this path... to a point.

Another thing is that I take a lot of personal responsibility. I'm always looking at myself. Not that I don't miss things in my self reflection because sometimes, for sure I do. But sometimes I take on personal responsibility and self reflection to a fault and I think this can create imbalance in a relationship. There are different levels of emotional abuse, or as Dan Savage called it, emotional torture, in a relationship. When is a person just being themselves and it's a good thing to just love and accept them as they are and when would it better serve that person to call them on their shit and in so doing offer them a greater opportunity to step up to the relationship plate and stop power tripping or withholding? This can be a very difficult call to make. And like Dan said, "You need to listen to your long pathetic whiny question and you need to decide that you don't want to be this whiny pathetic person, that you want to be with someone who isn't tormenting you emotionally."

I don't get into the victim mode all that often. This is all relative of course. I'm rarely whiny and pathetic because I find that persona quite annoying. But I do have the tendency to be attracted to, and to fall in love with, men who torment me emotionally (perhaps I should be more responsible and say men who trigger the torment that resides inside of me!) with certain behaviors or off the cuff comments. And these men tend to be big sweethearts. Gentle men who are kind and compassionate with generous hearts and lots of love to share. WTF???!!!

Does all this stem from my father abandoning me? I think it might, a good portion of it anyway. Does it matter where it came from? Probably not. Have I healed? Lots. What matters is that I continue doing my work.

Tell Me What Another Is.

Dan Savage on a B/F that Can't Say "I Love You" After 2 Yrs

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Jason Mraz -I'm Yours (live)

Thanks Cindy. This was perfect for me today!!!

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment babay sing with me
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, not yours
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch on over closer dear
And i will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is out fate, I'm yours!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Pretty Pretty Good

Originally sent circa 1650.

Snakes and Safer Sex

Here is a link to click on to read about safer sex.

I've been thinking about safer sex and what that means. Obviously the safest sex one can have is with oneself. The next safest sex would be sex within a monogamous relationship between two people or within a closed poly-fidelitous group of folks who only have sex with each other. Assuming of course that in each of these situations everyone has been tested for the gamut of possible sexually transmitted diseases and that their test results have all come back negative. Oh, and that everyone can be trusted to be keeping their safer sex agreements.

Another reasonable (in my own personal opinion of course) safer sex agreement is to have a core group of people whom you trust, who have all been tested to be free of disease, who are fluid bonded with someone (s) within that core group and who practice safer sex protection outside of that circle should they decide to have sex with anyone else. Of course, this all depends on good communication skills and honesty. And hopefully we have these things with the people we are having sex with. Not a bad idea.

One thing that complicates this arrangement is that I may know and trust my lovers, and even know and trust my lover's lovers, but when the array of lovers starts stretching out ad infinitum, how far is it reasonable to trust? I tend to be a pretty trusting person and I think I'm fairly reasonable also...

I was walking by the creek today in a rattlesnake infested area. It's a beautiful area and I'm not willing to forsake the pleasure I receive when I visit there even though I have a fairly intense fear of snakes. There have been times when I do forgo this creek side experience because my fear is up so for awhile after almost stepping on a big rattler lying in the middle of the path. But eventually I always return.

I've been contemplating this whole safer sex issue, and today as I came upon the creek and the possible snakes lying in wait, I was enlightened with the similarities of the potential of encountering a snake and contracting a sexually transmitted disease. The risks are definitely real in both cases. There are rattlesnakes down at the creek. I've seen them myself and there are warning signs telling me to beware. My fear of snakes is far greater than my fear of STDs.

I've taught safer sex practices professionally so I know the risks (but I also hold other non-traditional views of disease and the world.) That was many years ago when I worked with many HIV positive and intravenous drug using folks. And some of the information available has changed but it's mostly the same. I could brush up on all the stats but I'm thinking I'm fairly educated on the actual behavior that increases/decreases one's risk of contracting an STD. It's not a good idea to have unprotected sex with an intravenous drug user and obviously, if you don't know the person you're having sex with then you have no clue what they may be up to. That's not all there is to it but it's a good starting place.

But where to go after the obvious basics have been covered can be nebulous and confusing. If people weren't attached to having bareback sex and being fluid bonded with their lovers, this wouldn't be a big deal. Everyone could just use condoms and dental dams and stop all the worry. But this is not the case. So where to go, where to go?

I'm still walking down by the creek. I know I'm taking a risk that I will get bitten by a snake. How big is the risk? Mathematically speaking I have no clue of the stats. I tend to think that my fear of snakes draws the opportunity closer. That's a scary thought so try to counteract my fear with other thoughts and emotions while I'm down in occupied territory. I'm not willing to give up my creek side walking pleasure.

I'm generally not a very fearful person and I don't tend to worry about contracting an STD. I'm also not having sex (let alone unprotected sex) with strangers and/or intravenous drug users. That's a good start. I do take other precautions too. Are they enough?

here! with Josh and Sara: Tristan Taormino Clip 2

What are people doing in their Polyamorous relationships?

here! with Josh and Sara: Tristan Taormino Clip 1

Tistan Taormino talks briefly about why she wrote her book, Opening Up.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Get Your Mind (and relationship) Outta The Box

"You know, if there was an argument to be made for monogamy, not having to schlep an inordinate amount of stuff between 2 houses would be it."--Twitter post from Mistress Matisse 4 hours ago.

A recent dream:

I was driving a BIG car. It was a really long, older Cadillac or something like that. At first, some passengers were in the car with me, I think they were Jerry and Ren. But then they got out of the car and were walking behind as I was driving slowly into a lot to park. We were all going inside a store to shop. But the brakes wouldn't work and I couldn't stop the car. I was driving through the lot trying to steer carefully so I didn't hit anyone. There were a couple of small children that I was worried about as I drove pass them too close and too fast. I drove out of the parking lot and into an alley, pumping the brakes to no avail. I knew that soon I would have no choice but to crash the car to stop it and was contemplating the best choice of objects to collide with. There was a brick house directly in front of me, another house off to the right, and a wooden fence. But all of a sudden from out of nowhere, I noticed a fairly wide turnaround spot that I was actually able to maneuver the car around and stop it, only running over a few flowers in the process. I was relieved, got of the car and left it there.

Interpretation of my dream--just a few thoughts off the top of my head:

My car=my body. It also represents by journey in life--taking me where I want to go. I'm afraid because I'm not in control-- it's more like I'm along for the ride. I leave the two people that I love and are my close traveling companions, behind with no explanation (I'm not really leaving them but I have no way of communicating, explaining to them what's happening.) I don't know how to stop the vehicle I'm traveling and I fear the obvious impending accident. And yet it turns out that I handle everything just find...I don't crash and burn. I am saved by grace. All is good.

What's been up for me? I'm bleeding again. And I was PMSing. But just for one day. Monday evening I was sitting in the hot tub with Lover Who Is My Lover and another friend when the north wind starting blowing. The wind, the sky, the energy in the atmosphere felt magical to me. But by Tuesday it was a full on wind storm that blew some crazies my way. I had a knot in my solar plexus and felt exceedingly vulnerable all day. I knew that power and control (my lack of) issues were up for me so I just breathed and concentrated on feeling my stuff. By late Tuesday night the small of my back was really hurting and I had a painful kink in my neck. Jerry gave me an intense massage and I fell asleep. On Wednesday morning I woke up to pee and I found that I had started my period. I bled all day and night and then all day again and now I'm here in bed next to my sleeping husband. He gave me another massage before he put his face mask on and left me to my blogging.

I've been thinking about polyamory and the different relationship styles people create to express their love. I've been thinking about how controlling we tend to be, how we try to manipulate everything, keeping ourselves and others in neatly organized boxes. But the nature of life is messy! It's chaotic and free and not so easily contained.

I have a friend who is contemplating a change to the structure of her relationship. Her partner is resisting this change. She's afraid he will leave her if she insists. They have created a sweet little life together that has been safe, comforting and enjoyable. But she also wants something different that their relationship isn't providing for her. All things change. Everything evolves. What is the risk when we refuse to adapt to the changes that life (or our partner) demand? Will we listen to the music and deal the the actualities that are placed before us? What happens when our ideas and preconceived concepts, our grand schemes and neatly designed roles, just don't fit anymore but we refuse to switch gears and go with a more natural flow--the organic unfolding of our life?

I'm reminded of a three way love affair I was involved in back when. It was a rare and special opportunity. It was sweet and juicy and alive. But we were all inexperienced and fairly clueless as to how to handle the actualities that were before us. On one hand I adored and truly appreciated the relationship and what it offered me. The love and sexual energy in my life was up big! I accepted what was transpiring as a huge blessing. On the other hand, it wasn't the exact type of relationship I thought I was looking for. It wasn't the perfect match to my preconceived dream. I've written before about how people have the tendency to create the perfect relationships in their minds but then they get involved and fall in love with real people who don't go along with their exact plans. At least they don't go along easily, sometimes kicking and screaming all the way. People have ideas and dreams of their own before they hook up with a new partner. They don't come into a relationship as a blank slate saying, "Mold me to thy will. Your will is my command!" The attraction is there and the love may grow--the love is growing and the juice is flowing but all the "ideas, preconceived concepts, grand schemes, and neatly designed roles start getting in the way of dealing with the actualities of the real relationship they are living. Here is a real, warm, flesh and blood, person standing in front of me, sleeping in my bed, sharing my bodily fluids and by golly getting in the way of my actual dream coming true! Damn I hate that--can't you just go away so I can have my fantasy back?! Ha. But not funny.

So the question is...Are we going to keep our heart open to this person and continue loving them as their authenticity reveals itself to us? Will we adjust our preconceived ideas of who they are (and who we think they should be) and what our relationship with them should look like to match the reality of the real person? Are we willing to love unconditionally as the relationship grows and unfolds differently than how we originally thought it would? Can we let go of our minds and our fears and be with what is? Can we give ourselves to love?

I've noticed people struggle with their controlling nature within new monogamous relationships. They are yearning for a relationship and then meet someone they really like and start dating. Then, even though they are enjoying getting to know this person on many levels, they have all these preconceived ideas about who and what their perfect, one and only, "fantasy" partner will be and because this "real" person doesn't match the long list of required qualities, they break off the relationship. Of course it's fine to want what we want but it also seems very limiting when someone insists on pre-picking a mate from a list preconceived attributes that they believe will somehow magically make them a suitable partner. So what if this person doesn't match up to our ideas of the perfect mate? If we love them, or even just like them a, um, friends are good to have. And if the sex is good, even better.

Polyamorous people do this all the time too. Couples look for a specific gender when they want to add another partner--rather than simply being open to fall in love with another who might actually make a great fit with them in a committed triad--they are looking specifically for a man and a woman just won't do. Or vise versa. A woman is looking for a secondary partner because she already has a primary. A man is looking for a primary partner because he has a secondary and even though in his heart of hearts he would prefer being a primary to her, she already has a primary so that spot is filled. Egads! I mean, I get why we do this stuff but it limits love.

One of the reasons we get on this creatively controlling track is because not only do we want what we want, but also because although there may be no limit to the amount of love a person may have to share, there is still only so much time and energy to spare and if you already have a primary partner it makes logical sense to carefully assess your life and come up with the notion for instance-- that a secondary partner would fit in, just perfectly, right here, into these little available slots! But while this preplanning may be valuable to some extent, the bottom line is that love is not logical or practical. It doesn't always make it easy. It likes to have it's way with us and enjoys throwing curve balls when we least expect them. The more particulars we demand of love, the more limited the access it has in our lives.

So while there is something to be said for the practicality of trying to create relationships that fit into neatly organized little boxes--love springs forth out of freedom and it's fit to be tied when one tries to structure it in some unnatural way. Love will show you the way it wants to grow and express itself and practical or not, these are the actualites of our love lives that must be dealt with as they arise.

Love and relationships need the freedom to take on a life on their own, separate from what your ego thinks it needs. Let love come to you and reveal itself. You might desperately want a primary relationship in your life but if you try to force an otherwise healthy secondary relationship into a primary position, you'll be asking for trouble. Likewise, if the fact that you already have a primary partner encourages you to contain a relationship into a secondary role that is more naturally trying to grow into a primary role, you'll be asking for trouble. Sometimes love wants us to be alone. Sometimes it wants us to have two primary partners, or two secondary partners with no primary. Finding peace and balance between the practicalities and actualities of a relationship are challenging but one should not be sacrificed for the other.

Where there is love, there is a way. But we must be willing to stop stuffing the person we love into a predetermined role and the relationship with that person into a preconceived box.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Hi! I'm Minx, and I'm polyamorous

Pretty sure I've posted this one before but hey, I think I'm on a roll.

Short Film: Boyfriend(s)

Thanks to Anita Wagner for guiding me to Alan's Polyamory In The News post on how to to find the best You Tube hits on polyamory. Here's the first one I checked out called Boyfriend(s) about at 16 year old girl in love with two guys. It's sweet.

Anita Wagner at Practical Polyamory--

Polyamory In The News--

Sunday, April 12, 2009


#amazonfail is a protest on Amazon's new "Adult Policy".

Click here to read about Amazon Rank and how to do a google bomb and then click Amazon Rank to participate in the google bomb (all it takes it just one click, right now, from my site.)

I've copied and pasted below, a description of Amazon Rank from this website here.

Amazon Rank

UPDATE: Just in case Amazon argues that this was a technical glitch, consider these facts: (Oh, and here is Amazon saying that it is a glitch).

1. Craig Seymour first complained about his book being adversely treated by Amazon back in February.

2. Mark Probst got a response two days ago that his book was being adversely treated by Amazon because it was deemed “adult content.”

3. If you search “homosexual” on, your first search result is “A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality.” This is because other books with the term homosexual have had their sales rank stripped. The previous algorithm is supposed to show the top selling books in the search result. If the book has no sales rank then it won’t appear in the search results. Or, as a better example:

But the fact that Joseph Nicolosi and Linda Ames Nicolosi’s A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality is still ranked when Heather Has Two Mommies isn’t, says it all.

4. If you write exclusively books with erotic content (or content tagged erotic regardless of actual content), you may not exist in a front page search. See screen cap here (Lucinda Betts) and here (Jackie Barbosa) and here (Amie Stuart).

What’s going on?

For those who don’t know, Amazon has decided to derank and then remove from front page searches books labeled “erotic” and GLBT. For example, books that are about Lesbian parenting have been identified as “adult content” and deranked. Patti O’Shea’s book that is listed “erotic horror” despite having only one sex scene has been deranked and removed from front page search results. Amazon has deranked Annie Proulx, E.M. Forster, but not American Psycho. Mein Kampf and books about dog fighting are ranked and can be searched from the front page, but not books about gay love or books with erotic content.

You can track more of the deranked books on twitter.

Why is this is a big deal?

It’s not because customers put any stock into the Amazon Ranking number. It’s that the Amazon Rank affects a books’ visibility on the bestseller list, on the “If you Like ___, you might like __ feature” and so forth. It is akin to the bookstore removing the books from the shelves and requiring you to go to the Customer Service desk and ask for the book or author specifically. Visibility is a huge factor in sales and anyone who doesn’t believe that is kidding themselves.


Amazon executive customer service email is: and the customer service phone number is 1-800-201-7575. I’ve called and sent emails. (I even called the cell phone of an Amazon PR person). There is also a petition. The louder the noise you can make collectively, the more likely action will be taken. You can use Robin’s template:

Dear Amazon,

It has come to my attention that you are de-ranking books, supposedly on the basis of “adult content.” Apparently, according to the Amazon Dictionary, this is defined as books that have anything at all to do with GLBT characters, authors, issues, or references, with some general erotica being roped in, as well. In the meantime, however, books on the illegal, inhumane, and horrifyingly violent sport of dog fighting remain ranked and appear on a first page search under “dog fighting”: Further, a search under “playboy” yields as the first return “Playboy: Wet and Wild Complete Collection,” followed by “Playboy: The Complete Centerfolds,” and so on. At what point did “adult content” exclude nude women and dogs killing other dogs for sport?

This is nothing short of discrimination; this is nothing short of censorship. This is nothing a business that claims commercial integrity at even the most basic level would do. Consequently, as a longtime Amazon customer, I look forward to an immediate reversal of this ridiculous policy. Otherwise, I will purchase elsewhere and encourage everyone else I know to do the same.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Don't Stick It In Crazy

I was reading somewhere and found a reference to and article written my Mistress Matisse for the Stranger's Control Tower and Kink Calendar back in 2006. It's titled What Polyamorous People Should Know.

Also, reading the Mistress today, she linked to an older article she wrote in 2008, offering fairly obvious words of wisdom about how to deal with your kinky desires inside of a vanilla relationship.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Green Porno!

Green Porno!

Isabella Rossellini
has created these incredible bizarre shorts of sex in the natural world. There are a total of 14 altogether. Be sure to watch both Porno 1 and Porno 2.

These would be a perfect introduction to sex education in our schools for grammar school aged kids. Totally awesome and hilarious. Click here to watch.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Confident, Comfortable, and Sexy

Last night I dreamed I found a photo of me when I was a young woman, 19 years old. I don't remember who took the photo (it was a real photo) but I was naked, reclining in a chair and it was an awesome picture of me in my youthful beauty. My body wasn't "perfect" as model's bodies go (even before they have been airbrushed) but it was pretty damn hot. I loved that picture.

It was during this time that I actually had an interview with Playboy Magazine when they were in Chico (voted by same magazine as #1 party town in the United States at the time) and I modeled my body for them. It never went any further than that--like I said, my body really wasn't up to par with society's standard of what physical and sexual beauty looked like, (I had already given birth to my first child and had some decent stretch marks to prove it and they had a whole college of beautiful young women to choose from) but I was very thin while somehow maintaining some voluptuous curves (at 5' 10" I weighted about 120 lbs). I really loved my body at that time and felt very confident, comfortable, and sexy, inside of it.