Friday, February 18, 2011

Death By Fire

Another dream about my mama.  This time it was fire.  And I was in it with her.  I must haven chosen to burn up with her.  But then I changed my mind.  I left.  Kinda snuck out.  And there was someone else in there besides her and me.  It seems like it was one of my children, maybe my daughter or my granddaughter and eventually she came out also but I can't remember.  It might have been another part of me.  I had decided that I didn't want to die.  But then this other part of me came back and got me.  I was wanting her to go back in.  I could see into the fire room where my mama was dying.  Burning up.  She was crying out to me because she was alone and afraid.  I called back to her and she could hear me.  She was relieved.  I told her "It's okay mama, I'm here."  She asked me to stay with her.  She wanted to come out of the fire too but I told her it was too late.  I knew it wouldn't be good for her to try and stop the process now.  I felt guilty too, like I should still be in there, burning up with her.  It was okay that I changed my mind, wasn't it?  I mean, death is something we can back out of, right?  I decided I wasn't ready to die but I felt like I was backing out on her, like we'd made this pack together and now I'd abandoned her to do it on her own.  My mama was dying.  She was burning up and didn't want to be alone.