Monday, April 28, 2008

In Love

I've been too busy to post. Day in, day out, busy. So much going on in my life. Lots of distraction that's keeping me away from my blog. Life is happening. My Enlightenment Intensive starts in three days. Jerry, Patrick and I went shopping at Trader Joe's tonight for some of the food. That was just a tiny piece of all of we've been getting together. I must say that it feels more and more perfect the closer it gets. It's been a lot of work with lots more to come but it's making me very happy. Also, I'm so appreciative for all the help from many generous friends. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I feel very loved.

Saturday was the International Music Festival here in Chico so lots of good music and performances were happening. On Saturday night, Jerry and I, along with a sweet new friend, went out dancing to Orchestra Gitano, a hot salsa band from Santa Cruz. Later we went and checked out The Loyd Family Players, many of whom are good friends of ours. Talk about some incredible percussion! Jerry plays with them now and again whenever he gets the chance. I took this from their website:
Born in Chico, raised up at Burning Man, and brought to urban fruition in Oakland's Mosswood Park and Lower Bottoms, the Loyd Family Players take the pulse of traditional Brazilian samba and twist it into a loud, sweaty, sexy muss that's all their very own. The ten-to-twenty-person coed percussion performance troupe swipes elements from hip-hop, dancehall, punk rock, drum n'bass, summer camp ... anything goes. With members hailing from such exotic locales as England, Brazil, Rome, Peru, Antarctica, St. Louis and Long Island, the Loyds are a foxy, unstoppable (and unstoppably foxy) dance machine.
My mother is fairly loony these days, anxious and needing lots of my attention. Poor thing. She is looking for the magic pill to fix her and it's not going to happen. Well, what do I know? Maybe she will fine her magic pill...that would be sweet. My children have been godsends, really kicking in and helping take care of their gramma. I am so grateful to them all. Both my brother and sister live out of town and quite frankly, I don't know what I'd be doing without my kids. We could have never kept her at home for this long, that's for sure. It's time for her to move into assisted care now, so the intention is for the perfect one to open up for her at the perfect time in the perfect way--wherever, whenever, however that may be. Sooner than later I hope but not until my Intensive is over. My mom is getting funny. Older people with dementia often start forgetting their own children and reverting to the memories of their childhood. My mother still remembers us but she has taken to calling me Vyonne, which is her older sister's name. The other day she took exception when she heard me call my son, "son". She said, "you're not his mom, you're my mom."

One of my best friends is going through a lot right now and I'm concerned for her. She's OK and all, a strong and powerful woman doing her thing, but there is intense life/heart stuff up for her and she's on my mind and stirring around lots of energy in my own heart.

My youngest is getting ready to flee the nest (he's 21) and that's a good thing I suppose, and believe me, I never in my life thought I would be one of those mother's who is affected by empty nest syndrome, but I definitely have some fear of it coming up for me. Hey, I've had a least one kid in the house for almost 37 years! Kind of makes me sad and lonely and he hasn't even left yet. Hey, he's my baby, what can I say? Besides, he's a nice young man and I enjoy having him around, even though he's a fairly lousy roommate in regards to cleaning his bathroom and taking out the recycling. He's the last of our 9 kids to take flight. I know I'm going to miss him. I'm glad he's stayed around as long as he has. Warms my heart.

So, that's it for now. I'm thinking of all of you that I know read this blog and I'm loving you, appreciating you for all of your attention and affections. Some of you I'm intending to connect with soon but it will probably take until after my Intensive. I'll be getting back in the swing of other aspects of my life after Monday of next week and believe me, I have a lot of catching up to do. I will definitely have a post of the Intensive coming up. I might post again before I leave on Thursday but I may not have a chance. Besides everything else I also have 80 plus cookies to bake. Yummy.

Happy Birthday Rebecca!

In love and to be continued...

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Love Begets Love

I've seen this phenomena arise when parents separate and the ex's new partner lavishes love and attention on the child. The other parent becomes jealous of the affection being bestowed upon their child by the new person in their life. It's as if they fear the significant role they play in their child's life is being usurped and that their parental position must be protected at all costs. They feel threatened and work hard to maintain that special place in their child's heart.

I never understood this. It takes a village to raise a child. The more loving adults in a child's life, offering affection and guidance the better. When another comes along who's willing to step up to this position, it's true fortune. What a blessing. I adored everyone who adored my children and graciously accepted all the help I could get. A friend to my child is a friend to me.

I feel the same way towards people who bestow affection on my lovers. We all need love and affection and although I do my best to cover my bases and give love and attention, gosh, I'm only one gal and my time and energy gets spread thin. If someone else loves the one I love, I feel a natural affinity towards them. I love my lover's lovers.

Not that jealously hasn't risen in me because after all, I am human and imperfect and I have somewhat of a Queen Bee, "I am the Goddess Shewhobehot" complex and I like being treated as the most special one to the most special ones in my life. But I've also learned to share and to not take my complex too seriously, because after all, we are all most special.

I've noticed that my jealously tends to be triggered by people who don't want to share. When someone is after the exclusive rights to another's affection and sexual expression and would like to push me out of the picture altogether, then I don't appreciate that much at all. I do not like the experience of being punished because another feels threatened. How is me loving someone another loves a bad thing? I don't take too kindly to jealous manipulation and mean spirited jabs hurt my heart. Love begets love and the more love we give, the more we get. My intention is to do my part in spreading the love around.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I Am A Pervert & A Healer

Below is my Beltane horoscope by Paloma Todd from Barcelona, Spain. It was gifted to PlanetWaves readers by Eric Francis. I'm so full of sexual energy right now. I can feel the Beltane fires burning.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
I am more unpredictable than you can imagine: I have unpredictable needs. Under my soft skin I am wired with electric erotic channels that respond to their own master. My needs are connected to this circuit, and I can shift energetically the voltage of my desires. I am unique, never the same and always familiar. With me, you can feel the rebel and the container, the virgin and the whore, the boy and the girl, the wise and the immature, the good and the bad. I surprise myself by surprising you, or is it that my own surprise is the energy that attracts you? I need you in order to be able to express this complexity, this system that I am. I am the pervert, and the healer. I destroy and I construct. Both are the same as in me there is a new form of naming, without judgment: I only see a vision of possibility. I am literally turned on by possibility. And I am especially turned on by impossibility. I need to transgress in order to feel that I am on the move, that I have a direction. I need others to transgress me, to push me, to help me rebel against myself so I can feel life's evolution. I need inner cellular sexual revolutions, I need to revolve and be revolved.

If I were to put names to my fantasies, the universe would blush. I am ahead of my time, open and willing to explore being explored; I go beyond sex and gender, I go beyond society's myths; about what constitutes the right way because I have my own way, and I want and need the diversity of all the other ways possible. I want and need to become pure energy, malleable, transformable; I need to feel the movement of others' transformational forces happening because of my contact, within my contact; I need to feel that my body and I are a vessel that allows others to experience new forms of touching, reality, pleasures: hidden, unconventional, transgressive. My whole body is a constellation of chakras; each pore of my body is a chakra that spins and makes others spin. Others' sexual energy is activated by my willingness to be penetrated on all levels: mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. This is my healing contribution to the world. As a servant of the mother energy, I become also a cosmic sexual channeler that nurtures and liberates at the same time. This is a community project, as I need to reflect and multiply myself in the many experiences of others.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Are We There Yet?

From the little calendar my friend John made us--this touched me this morning:
Are We There Yet you'd say, tired of our prompting to the see the world as you should: train-thunder as we go under a trestle, smiling face painted on a barn. you'd even get bored looking for signs that had the rare q, x, or z. Are we there yet? So we gave up telling you the miles and just said, we're closer, getting closer, whenever you asked, so you made it into a chant: closer, closer, closer, until, turning onto our road, we joined in, and then we all rocked in our seats, making the old car bounce and sway. --Virgil Ellis
When will I give up my internal prompting for you to see the world as I believe you should? To see it my way? How can I be a friend to one who knows me not as a friend? How can I join you, understand your view of the world? What gift can I offer? What truth from my heart are you willing to receive?

Are we there yet? We're closer, getting closer.

Ego Meets Ego

Ego is ruling me right now. Ego has met ego in Another and is playing havoc with me. I am not loving. My pain body has bought into the game and is upping the anty. It says, "You sure you want to play this game with me?" I'll call you, and raise you one too. Fuck with me and I'll give you a run for your money."

My feelings are hurt. The undercurrent of mean spiritedness directed towards me hurts my heart. I'm lost and confused and don't know what to do. I want to strike back, bad mouth, meet at the lowest common denominator. This part of me cares nothing about the Truth. Nada. Zilch. It's a fun house mirror that's not so fun, reflecting back the distorted image. I can be ugly too ya know. Just push me and see what you get. And I'm justified you know cause I was attacked first!

Tell Me Who You Are? I understand. But I don't want to understand! I can easily rise above this. I don't want to rise above. I'd rather wrestle in the mud! Get down and dirty. Find peace. Fuck peace! Meet my moment. Screw the moment! Breathe dear heart. Be a rebel of love. Reflect the Truth. Now you understand Another even better, yes? Well, yes. Get it? I Got it.

What More Is There To Ask For?

I'm getting choices more and more. Understanding another's freedom. Backing off from control. Making my own choices with clearer awareness. Truth evolves and beckons me. There is sadness about not getting what I want and yet just being with it and knowing I'm OK and accepting the truth of what is--the love of what is--the realness of what is. We are all individuals, here to create these seemingly separate lives which intersect and co-mingle, merge and touch around the periphery. We are all one, singing in a great choir. Every one of our voices blending together in harmony. It's OK when someone sings out of tune or bangs the drum off beat. It's OK. It's a good thing really. My agenda is not better or more important than yours. Peace comes from knowing this, from understanding that I always get what I need even when I don't get what I want. And the truth with that is that I want what I need. So I always do get what I want. What more is there to ask for?

Friday, April 18, 2008

The Messy Business of Being Human

I was a participant in the eight annual Mt. Baldy Enlightenment Intensive last wee. Lovely Cynthia picked Patrick, Jerry and I up at the Ontario airport and drove us up the mountain to the Zen Center. We settled into our cabins and then relaxed in the sun. They fed us Thursday night dinner which was an unexpected treat and eventually we gathered for the opening talk, taking in the other participants and anticipating the wild ride we knew we were all in for. Then it was off to bed with our contemplations. I was working on What Am I?

I froze half the night and couldn't fall asleep. I was in a cabin with 3 other women and everyone else seemed quiet and comfortable, but of course, we never know what's really going on for another unless we are sitting in dyad with them. I finally pulled myself up out of bed and cranked up the heat. Ah, sleep finally arrived although I continued to wake on and off throughout the rest of the night. The 5:55 bell came with the announcement, "Good morning, this is the first day of the Enlightenment Intensive, you have 20 minutes until the morning talk."

It was a powerful Intensive for me. Lots of stuff kept coming up about living in the moment and acceptance. What else is there to do? I exist in the moment and if I'm intending to experience the truth of myself directly, the moment is probably the best set up for that experience.

I started looking for the obvious in what I am. I exist. I intend. I desire. I make choices. I notice. I have set up my whole life around connecting with others. This seems to be my foremost path, what I desire and yearn for. I kept recalling my most recent experiences with ego--various opportunities for connection with another and ego getting in my way. It has an agenda other than my own. Ego is always busy with its "to do" list. It always has something important to give to another, or to get from another, some information or this or that or another thing. Sometimes it's busy working to impress another. Always one thing or another, things that don't interest me, that I have no investment in. I get so bored, so weary with ego's running around. I find myself functioning on automatic, ego in control. I'll be there, engaging without really engaging and then I wake up and find myself doing ego's bidding. "Hey, wait a minute" I say to ego, "this is my show, my life, my agenda here, so back off", and then I go about my business of connecting, being present, being available to another. Ego's pattern is insidious and difficult to change.

I know ego is doing it's best to take care of me and frankly, it does a fairly decent job most of the time. But it's too uppity and a control freak. It's nervous about it's survival, anxious and impatient. I've been too lenient with it, extended its leash too long and given it free run over my affairs. It's time to reign it in. Sorry ego, you gotta back off now, you've been stealing the show for too long and this is my debut. I'm the star in this drama.

Erik and Edrid were co-mastering this Intensive and the perfect masters they were. At one point, Eric was talking about the messiness of life. He used the analogy that we are all made of clay and poop and how we just sling pieces of ourselves, clay and poop all over each other. I got a picture of a potter at work, sitting at her wheel forming a beautiful bowl which to me, symbolized the building of relationship. Pieces of clay where splattering all over. Relating with another and creating intimacy is a messy business. We humans are messy, with another we lose ourselves and find ourselves and make a big splattering mess in the process. We do our work. We witness another's work. This is love. This is the dyad process.

At the Enlightenment Intensive it's not about working on a specific relationship with another but rather about intending to directly experience the truth of the moment and opening ourselves to receive that truth. It's also about opening ourselves to another, being nakedly open to receiving whatever they have to offer. Opening ourselves to another's splattering messiness and accepting it without opinion or judgment. And the amazing with this is that we don't get dirty. The poop flies, the clay flies, and we are so open, so totally non-resistant to this stuff, it just dissipates into it's native nothingness. All we do is get it and let it go. We give the gift of understanding. Another's messiness does not sully us.

Eric also offered the analogy of taking out the trash...that's a lot of what is going on when the active partner is contemplating and communicating. So much of what we are holding on to and identifying with is just simply garbage and it needs to be released, kind of like a big stinky fart or belch. We are helping another take our their trash and we don't even have to wash our hands in the process. At other times what comes out of another are these incredibly beautiful sparkling gems of truth. And as we sit there openly receiving, the light of these truth gems strike us with their brilliance and open us more, filling us with the truth of our own selves. We accept it all with understanding and compassion and the process works it's magic on us.

At one point I was experiencing being stuck. I had all these ideas, perhaps correct ones, about what I am but correct ideas are not direct experiences. Edrid told me that maybe I needed to take the leap. I said I would if I had any clue what to leap into. I also told him about the moments when I "show up" and he encouraged me that that's the time to delve deep into my question. What is my experience of Self when I show up? I'll continue to be working on that. One thing I've noticed is that I feel very warm and transparent. I'm also in love. And happy.

As the Intensive drew on I came to understand the leap I need to take. It is of course leaping more into my life. Taking the plunge into a deeper truth. I've put my toes in the water and that's a start. I'm inspecting the truth fabric of my daily life and patching up the areas that have worn thin. I've been letting ego get away with some indulgences and some threads could break if I'm not careful, leaving a hole for me to fall through. And that landing would stir up too much mud in the pond.

Thursday, April 17, 2008


I feel the silence inside. Stillness. My mind at rest. Patient. My body waiting to be of service. Sounds cutting through the silence. My breath moving in and out. I balance in the moment, this place I'm practicing more intimacy with. This is where what is, is. Loving in spite of ego not being fulfilled, not getting what it wants. Touching that place of intention, wanting, strong desire, while accepting, wanting, loving what is. How are both passion and peace possible? Non-attachment. Is non-attachment the place of balance? Is this the precipice? The leading edge? My leaping place? A friend and guide told me that perhaps I needed to leap...I've committed to leaping into the truth and I've been noticing more opportunities. I'm done hiding. Feeling sneaky and dirty. Ashamed. Done. No thank you. Not anymore. I've had my fill. I am the soul of this sacred space. I exist here in the balance of desire and non-attachment. I'm teaching ego to be strong, to face the illusion, after all, this is it's birthplace. I'm finding comfort and energy and excitement in the truth. It's like coming home to an exotic place. This is the ledge, my leaping spot. The place I create MY life. I'm integrating. I feel it happening. All my parts coming together. meMeME.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Sincerity Versus Seriousness

I've been busy all week with back to back students at the college, all coming in last minute, (actually, after the fact) for their priority registration, wanting to know what classes they should take next semester. Many of the classes they want have already closed because registration started 9 days ago. Oh, the life of a student. I remember the days.

I've also been working on the schedule for the Enlightenment Intensive that my friend Patrick and I are co-mastering on May 1st. I finally have that finished. Yeah! Twenty things down, fifty to go! It's all good. I'm excited.

Tomorrow Jerry, Patrick and I leave for an Enlightenment Intensive at the Mt. Baldy Zen Center in SoCal. It will be the perfect space for me to clear my mind and move closer to the Truth. I'm really looking forward to the work. Yesterday, when I mentioned to a friend that I was taking this Intensive very seriously, I was told that Charles Berner, the man who created the Enlightenment Intensive, said there was a difference in being serious and sincere. I got that immediately. Here's the difference, dictionary wise.

Sincerity: freedom from deceit, hypocrisy, or duplicity; probity in intention or in communicating; earnestness.

Seriousness: showing, or characterized by deep thought; of grave or somber disposition, character, or manner; a serious occasion; being in earnest; sincere; not trifling; His interest was serious; requiring thought, concentration, or application; giving cause for apprehension; critical.

Since being earnest was in the definition for both, I looked it up too.

Earnest: Marked by or showing deep sincerity or seriousness: an earnest gesture of goodwill. Of an important or weighty nature; grave.

Ha, "deep sincerity or seriousness". When we were discussing sincerity and seriousness I thought of being earnest and how this was a quality I possessed a lot of in my younger years. Everything seemed so important, weighty and grave in nature. I'm not really so fond of "being earnest" these days, although surely there are worst things to be, like glib and cynical. These were words I actually used to describe myself with some sense of pride. My nature is really not glib or cynical but I have learned to take on these qualities in a superficial way. I've learned to appreciate glib and cynical attitudes in a very non-serious, non sincere and non earnest way. Maybe the term I'm looking for here is "feigned glibness". Perhaps it's a coping mechanism for dealing with the sometimes unbearable harshness of the human condition. My way of being in the world reflects a preference for taking things a little lighter now--a sweet lighthearted sincerity sprinkled with some feigned glibness.

So, with all of that, I'm heading off to this Enlightenment Intensive with sincerity of intention to know the truth of What I Am. I'll hopefully we weeding out some lies. I'll be back on Monday.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Lollywood Dream Lover

This is a fun video in honor of my dream last night. Read post below.

Dream Lover

He came to me last night while I slept.
Greeting me, he pressed his body into mine.
We lingered in the juicy richness between us.
His hardness brought us to our knees as I pulled him closer.
I knew I was breaking the rules.
Or was I?

Monday, April 7, 2008

I Feel Like Crying

I'm emotional today and feel like crying.

I like Lichtenstein's Girl Crying.

Our Lady of Tears comforts me.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Five Is A Good Number

I wonder what it would be like to experience five sexually loving relationships simultaneously? It seems like the perfect number to keep my interest piqued. To keep me adequately stimulated in the unknown of new adventure. I'm willing to give it a try. Not that I'd see each of them everyday, nor even every week or month. And yet...the possibilities are infinite, and oh, the fun we could have.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Who Am I? # 7

I'm noticing the physicalness of self. What about this is actually me? This body is such a vehicle for Self, a via, a means, a channel. Most of what I know about self is through this body. For the longest time I couldn't imagine residing anywhere except in the region of my head, directly behind my eyes. Now that's interesting, the seat of the soul...but it was about my mind and brain activity. You know, Descarte's "I think, therefore I am." Now it's, I AM, therefore I try not to think. Or something like that.

So here I am in this body and it seems about the most powerful tool I posess to know Self. To be embodied. Who I am is embodied. I reside in this body.

I think of my beloved Grandmother, Mary Jane. One of the great true loves of my life. She died when I was 17 and pregnant with my first child. I went to the funeral home with my mother, brother, and sister to view her body. Everyone was staunch and composed as we walked inside. I broke down in the lobby and couldn't bear to enter with them. They emerged in tears, broken up. I went in then by myself and as soon as I saw her I was comforted. "That's not Gramma", I said. I knew. My Grandmother was not that dead body lying there in the casket. That body had served her oh so well and then she had abandoned it when it got too old. I emerged with no tears, at peace.

My Grandmother gave me so much love with her body. I slept between her and my Grandfather everynight from the time I was a newborn until he died. Then I slept with her until I was 6 and we moved away. She bathed me, massaged me, fed me, sang to me.

We use these bodies to share so much of Self. Touch, sex, eye contact, a smile, kind words and gestures. When the presence of Self swirls through the body it's powerful. I can experience some of this on my own, without Another but oh my, sharing Self with Another via our bodies. Hang on. God knew what she was doing when she created physical bodies!

And it's this presence of Self that I seek in my relationship with Another. My Self, their Self. Contact. Oh, oh, oh, there YOU are! And here I am! Imagine that! The eyes, the powerful eyes... So, who am I? I am the one who keeps gently reminding, sometimes nagging, nagging, nagging, "Hello, I'm wanting to make contact. That's MY only agenda here. Ego has other agendas, many oh so seemingly important agendas when there is another ego to relate to, to impress, to give information to, to get something from... but I don't really care about all of that. I care about connecting with Another. I have the time and patience to stop and look into their eyes and gaze at Who they are. Another Who! Oh, hi there! Hello, nice to get ego to shut up for a moment and move out of the way so we can greet one another. How are You? Oh, I already know how You are. You are wonderful. You are love. You are so beautiful. I've missed you so. Hello. Hello. Hello. Thanks for stopping by.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Eat, Pray, Love

I've been reading the #1 New York Times Bestseller by Elizabeth Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love. Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book so far.

Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth."--Sheryl Louise

Sono il suo schiavo!--"I am your slave!"

Om Namah Shivaya--"I honor the divinity that resides within me."

"Or the couples making out all over the place, like there is some contest
for it, twisting into each other on benches, stroking each other's hair and
crotches, nuzzling and grinding ceaselessly..."