Monday, March 30, 2009

Juicy Women in Sex, Love, and Relationship

Both my husband and K. have recently asked me about my Juicy Women, missing the lack of an update on my last check in with them. Here ya go guys.

Juicy Women update:

Molly is having sex with her husband again. She was getting over the top horny. They seem to be slowly working on mending their relationship. Sleeping in the same bed again...

Randi is in love with another married man and hoping for a better outcome this time. She's about three months out of the last one. The sex with her new guy has been hot but now they are on a temporary hiatus so he can get on with the business of leaving his wife who hasn't had sex with him for years, with less distraction. This is Randi's idea, not his. They have been friends for years but just recently started being lovers.

Pema is still choosing to be monogamous with her lover who isn't much interested in having sex with her. She admits that it's not much of a problem for her as she is feeling pretty non juicy at this time. Most of her energy is caught up in survival mode, wondering how she will pay the bills. She loves her guy a lot and is pretty much just being in the moment with enjoying this love while many of the other everyday matters of their life and relationship aren't in such great shape. He is gone right now, staying with his wife (yes, he is married also) attending to some family matters and working, working, working as always, trying to make a business deal come to fruition so they will have some time and money to relax into.

Lena continues letting go of her old boyfriend who sucked her emotions and her finances dry. She is experiencing a lot of shame in regards to how much of herself she gave away in order to have the companionship of a man who couldn't meet her.

Ana is off and about on an adventure with her new beau. Is it true love Ana? Ana met this guy online and had a lovely week long rendezvous with him at her place several weeks ago and is now staying with him at his place. This is a long distance relationship and he is very different than any man she's ever been with but they are very spiritually and sexuality in sync. She seems to be enjoying the moments with him and she has dropped sex with her other lovers for this monogamously minded man. So far, so good.

Rosemary is fed up with her perceived happiness being dependent on whether the men in her life are pleasing her in the ways she prefers being attended to. Then again, she is receiving quite a lot of pleasing so she's happy, being the decadent pleasure seeker that she is.

Then there are other women in my life. Here are the stories of a few:

Stella loves and is committed to her sweet boyfriend but is also fed up with monogamy and wants some kinky sex.

Jana is struggling in a relationship, dealing with the "plenty of love but not enough time" aspect of polyamorous relationships.

Laura is crazy jealous of her lover's friendship and affection towards other women and wants to control him. He, as most men (and women) I know, don't take very kindly to, and resist being controlled. She is also not very interested in sex. He is. These things do not bode well for their relationship.

Gina struggles with jealousy and intense control issues while dealing with her husband's attention on his other lover. Their love is strong. Their sex life is almost nil.

Dena has sworn off men after divorcing her cheating husband whom she had refused to have sex with for years.

Missy is pursuing men every which way and they seem to be coming out of the woodwork to date her. She is enjoying having sex with many of them while still hoping to settle down with one of them, sooner than later.

Women in their nakedness. Exposing it all in sex, love, and relationship.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Who's-Sleeping-Where?

I enjoyed a recent twitter post by Mistress Matisse-- "Oh poly is complex at times. Especially at conferences - hotel rooms make who's-sleeping-where logistics just that much more complicated!" She was at a conference with her primary partner Max, his girlfriend Puck, her secondary partner Monk, and I think Monk's wife Tambo was also there. Now how far reaching their poly network actually stretches out with all the various partners, I don't know, but I've seen some diagrams of extended poly families that are pretty amazing. Another of Matisse's twitter posts mentioned champagne in bed with her, Max and Puck so maybe that was a solution to one of the sleeping arrangements for one of the nights?

If you've ever watched the L Word, they have a diagram like this called "The Chart" which connects all the various lovers who are infamous for their capacity to move through serial monogamous relationships. The contrast of this diagram when compared with what (some) poly folk have created is that the poly folk are working to create sustainable relationships (actual extended families) over the long term. Who's-sleeping-where may make for complex logistics at times but what really matters most to me is who's really connected and involved and not only loving their own lovers, but working to open their hearts and minds more and loving their lover's lovers and their lover's lover's lovers...and the far reaching effect that all this love can have on our world.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

If You Really Loved Me

Oh, the ideas we get about love.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Keeping It Cool For The Kids


Please remind me that facebook is PG rated and that A LOT of my community is there including the kids of my friends. And although I don't hide this blog it still tends to be fairly discreet. I know I might be shocked at who actually does read this stuff and therefore knows many of the intimate details of my life. Whatever. Anyway, my point being is that if I don't disclose enough on here I might be tempted to do so on facebook. Don't go there girl, don't go there! Actually that's one of the things I love most about facebook. It's like being at big party where some of your friends have brought their kids. People are drinking and some even smoking a little pot, everyone is getting pretty loose but the kids are there so the adults are doing their best to keep it cool.

I'm Wasting Its Potential


For the time being I am experiencing a sense of over exposure. I'm not deleting this blog (for now anyway) and who knows, tomorrow I may post more intimate and revealing stuff about myself that will add to my feelings of vulnerability. But then again, I may not be posting much original heart stuff that exposes the oh so tender and human parts of who I am for awhile. I've enjoyed the process of transparent truth telling but I am definitely feeling more private these days. Depending on my mood of the moment I may post darkly cynical and sick jokes that make me laugh and relieve the pressure of what hurts in my life. Or maybe I'll go for Rumi or Hafiz when the love overwhelms me.

I'm not joking about my cell...er, smart phone. I love to say, "My phone is smarter than I am." You'd think I would take the time to read the manual or watch the DVD that came with it. But no. It still gets the best of me sometimes and I'm wasting its potential that justified spending the big bucks on it to begin with.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

U2 - With Or Without You

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side.
I wait for you.
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you.

Through the storm, we reach the shore
You gave it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you.
I can't live with or without you.

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give, and you give
And you give yourself away.

My hands are tied, my body bruised
She´s got me with nothing to win
And nothing left to lose.

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give, and you give
And you give yourself away.

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you.
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

My Love Cries Out With Red Tears



I don't know what to blog about. A lot going on in my life but I've been feeling rather private. I've thought about not blogging for awhile, or maybe writing without publishing. I dunno. I'll see. But here I am tonight so I suppose something is wanting to be said. Lets see...

After 9 months. I shared my truth with Lover Who Is Not My Lover, no holds barred. Although it wasn't a fight and I wasn't vicious. I love him.

You know those moments in lovemaking that are indelibly etched into your mind, that you keep returning to over and over again? Been thinking of Lover Who Is My Lover. I love him.

This moment I'm thinking of my husband who is lying in bed next to me. Our legs are intertwined as I type. His body is warm and inviting. He always seems to want me. Always willing. I like that. I love him.

Monday morning I didn't want to get out of bed. I felt sad. I even cried and felt sorry for myself. Then I put my mind on all the productive things I had planned for the day, put my best foot forward and moved on. Kinda. But the sadness lingered. On Tuesday morning I woke up depressed. I had no choice but to get out of bed and carry on with a crazy adventure I was committed to but by late morning I had crawled back into bed and spent most of the rest of the day there. My body hurt. I was tired. I contemplated how I felt. Yes, definitely depressed. Later I again had to pull myself out of bed because I had a client. I drank an extra strong cup of tea and woke myself up. I rally for my clients. Walking home from my office I even felt rather decent. Then Lover Who Is My Lover called and that picked up my spirits even more. Then Jerry took me out to dinner and to a fun little gathering of friends and I was truly feeling so much better.

I was wondering what had triggered me into such a state when I sat down to pee and there is was. Mystery solved. I was bleeding. This is my first period in four months. I thought maybe that I'd had my last cycle back in November so I'm really glad to be bleeding again. I wasn't quite ready to say goodbye to that phase of my womanhood. Some heavy stuff came up for me at my last Enlightenment Intensive around this change. I had some big emotions surface and I realized that it would be good for me to create a rite of passage for this significant and symbolic transformation in my body. My life.

My first menstrual cycle (menarche) came the summer between 7th and 8th grade when I turned 13 years old. That's the summer I grew breasts and lost the baby fat around my tummy and acquired an actual waist. I remember returning to school in the fall and while dressing down for gym class someone yelled out , "Adrienne, look what happened to you over the summer!" I was very proud of my blossoming body. It seemed like forever that I had been yearning for breasts and they had finally arrived.

I was embarrassed to tell my mom that I had started my period so the way I did it was to ask her for 50 cents so I could buy a box of Kotex. That's what we called "sanitary pads" back in the day, which I think are now called pantie liners or some such thing. And Kotex were these huge "diapers" that you kept attached to your body by wearing a special "sanitary belt" that they hooked onto. I tried switching to tampons but I couldn't figure out how to fit one inside of me for the longest time.

Yes, I was embarrassed to tell my own mother when I experienced this special event in my life and my eldest daughter was afraid to tell me when she started her period too. Our reasons were different though. I was too shy to talk to my mom about personal things because, well, we just didn't do that. My daughter on the other hand was very conventional and she feared that me and my women friends would create a spectacle. She imagined us putting her in the middle of a circle and dancing around naked, saying things that would embarrass her. Aw, the "Sins of the Father" or mother, as the case may be.

I never considered my menstrual cycle a "female problem". I rarely experienced much cramping and didn't need to take drugs or stay home from school like a lot of the other girls often did. My periods were very nondescript. Just a normal flow for several days, always right on time right on schedule except when I was pregnant or nursing a baby which was, I admit, often.

I never experienced PMS and I admit that I didn't have a lot of sympathy or respect for women who did. I thought it was all in their minds, that they simply weren't connected with their bodies in a natural way--the way I was. I attempted to be humble (and silent) about this but I had an attitude, no doubt. Then my self righteous attitude came tumbling down on me about 10 years ago. You see, I've been perimenopausal for about 14 years now. I'm 54. There were several noticeable little changes in my body and then my periods got very heavy. Then I got PMS. I would have these amazing flip out, meltdown, hysterical, crying jags every month. My husband would sit patiently at my side as I fumed and sobbed, tears and snot flying everywhere. Then he would gently say to me, "You're going to bleed in a couple of days." I would look up at him and sniffle, "I am?" and he would say, "Yes baby, you are." Then I would understand why I was feeling so crazy and just that knowledge alone would make everything all better. I did that for a couple of years and believe me it wasn't fun. The craziness went away but the heavy periods stayed and I've been fairly anemic for many years.

Over this last year my cycle hasn't been so regular and then in November, shortly after I had become lovers with Lover Who Is My Lover, I started bleeding just before we were going to make love one day. I had a quick little conversation with my body, "Bad body, don't do this right now." It listened to my demand and the bleeding stopped for several hours. I was grateful but felt a little guilty for not dealing with the situation more honestly and openly. I mean, what's the big deal about a little blood? But with him being a new lover and all, I was a little nervous and just wanted it to stay simple for that moment. A week later I met with him again after I had stopped bleeding but after we made love I noticed a little blood. He was nonchalant about it which comforted me. I've had past experience with a lover once who wasn't very adoring with my blood and I didn't like that.

Well as it turned out, I hadn't bled since that night and I've been thinking that maybe I was done bleeding altogether. I've been a little sad about that but I was actually happy and took some contentment in the fact that my body had taken it on itself to connect my new lover with the last of my blood in that way. Yes, I make meaning out of everything. I know.

I've always appreciated how my husband rarely fails to meet me, my highs and lows, bleeding, not bleeding, it makes no difference to him. He's just always loving me--body, mind and soul with his body, mind and soul. Willing heart and hands. He is a special man.


Here is the last line from a poem I wrote to my youngest son's father in 1991:
My love cries out with red tears that you cringe from in my menstrual blood.

Here a love scene from author Judith Freeman’s A Desert of Pure Feeling:

“We made love in the dark. I was struck by the slenderness and tautness of his body, and his extreme grace, his almost agonized ecstasy at the moment of orgasm. And I remember afterward turning on a light and seeing all the blood, and feeling no shame that it was mine. I had not mentioned this to him, that I was menstruating, and later when he’d washed off in the shower and come back to bed, he’d said very casually, ‘You’re bleeding, you know,’ and I said ‘Yes I know.’ This seemed to amuse him that I felt no shame, no embarrassment, that it hadn’t stopped me from coming to the motel with him. “It’s nice,” he said to me very gently, “I don’t mind.” He showed none of the disgust I would later feel with other men, who recoiled from the thought of making love during this time. I was so young, so inexperienced in spite of marriage, that I didn’t know about these things, did not even consider it, did not know what one should do or shouldn’t do in such situations. I only knew that I wanted him, and that he wanted me, and lying in his arms afterward I was suffused with feelings of love for him.”















Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Family

Go here to view "Family", an "episodic tale of alternative love" by Terisa Greenan. This is an ongoing series (9 episodes released so far) of a polyamorous triad living in Seattle. Each episode is 5 to 7 minutes long and can also be found on You Tube except the "mature adult content" is not censored out from this site. It's very silly and fun. New episodes are released every few weeks and it's becoming very popular in the poly and sexually alternative communities.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

In Love/Love & Love/Lust

I'm still contemplating love. It's a long term commitment.

Three questions:

What is the difference between being in love with someone and loving someone?

What is the difference between lust and love?

What does intimacy, passion and commitment have to do with love?

I ask about intimacy, passion and commitment in particular because these three things keep coming up for me in my contemplations. Plus, I recently found this on Wikipedia, The Triangular Theory Of Love.

The Triangular Theory Of Love was developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg and characterizes love in interpersonal relationships by the components of Intimacy--feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness; Passion--romance, physical attraction and sexual consummation; Commitment--the decision to remain with the other in the short term and the shared achievements and plans made with the other in the long term.

I asked a few friends to give me their quick, from the hip responses to my first two questions regarding Love/Lust and Love/In love

Ren says:

"Difference between love and lust.

Lust is when you want to fuck.
Love covers just about everything else.
I think being in love has an element of obsession or exclusivity to it. Lust and love coexist.You can lust someone you love, but lust implies need and desire and fucking."

OK, that's pretty simple and straight forward. They co-exist but not always. You can love without lust and lust without love. But it's mighty fun when they come together! No pun intended. I connect lust as bottom line, implying the desire to fuck. I suspect Ren is referring to jealousy when she mentions exclusivity, or if not jealousy, at least the desire to possess one's lover for one's self, to the exclusion of all others? I relate obsession to New Relationship Energy (NRE)--a state of mind and body that new lovers experience at the beginning of a romantic sexual relationship that causes heightened emotional and sexual receptivity (you feel really high and horny and excited to have this incredibly wonderful new person in your life). I'm not sure exactly what she means by "love covers just about everything else" but I suppose she is referring to the way commitment and intimacy plays out in a relationship.

The first time I asked Lover Who Is My Lover to define the difference between being in-love as opposed to simply loving someone he used the word intimacy to define the difference. Later he defined love as a state of being that he moves in and out of. Some may be able to consistently abide in this state (and I suppose this would be the ultimate goal.) He described lust as hormonal.

Yes, I get that. Love as a state. The state of being in love. I often sign my letters (or emails) In love, with the intent to communicate that I am residing in a state of love towards that person in that moment. In this sense, I don't mean that I'm actually in love with this person. When I reflect on my experience of love I think that maybe love itself has nothing to do with a state but rather it's me who is in an open hearted state which allows me to experience the love that always is. But this still doesn't explain the different between love and in-love. I'm still lost in this nebulous, undefined field between love and in love. Ha. Am I really looking for black and white clearly labeled boxes that define love and in love once and for all? I'm so silly.

As for intimacy, I certainly relate to that being a big part of what love is and yet one can be intimate with someone they love but aren't in love with, such as the love shared with a good friend or between a parent and a child, so it doesn't help me in that distinction. And lust, well it may very well be hormonal but I'll say more on that in a bit.

A couple of years ago I asked Lover Who Is Not My Lover the question about love versus in love and he said that loving someone is a choice whereas being in-love is not a choice.

I get that. I've done the falling in love at first sight thing. I fell in love with him (as I have with one other man) almost the moment I met him and it was related to the recognition of a deep intimacy even though we had just met. I experienced no conscious choice in the matter. Love simply arrived and knocked me off my feet. I've often made the choice to be loving in my actions towards someone which has led to me having loving feelings towards them. Choice/no choice is one curious difference.

R. says:

Love involves being selfless. Lust is often selfish. Lust is characterized by desire and grasping and attachment. Love is a state of being that in its purest state is very free of all that. Lust has a physical aspect that involves hormones and the groin. Love is experienced primarily through the heart. Both make powerful impressions on the mind. Both can happen at the same time and are often deeply entwined.

Simple formula:

Love = selfless-- Lust = selfish

Love = state of being, free of attachment

Lust = attachment, grasping, desire

Love = heart--Lust = groin

If only it were that easy.

When I think of what R. says about "love in its purest state is very free of all that" I think of my experience where love springs forth from freedom. Freedom is the mother who gives birth to love. I get a visual picture of a love seed, planted in the nourishing soil of freedom from which the tree of love springs forth. Underneath the ground, the freedom soil is the source of love's growth and from above the sunlight shines upon the tree of love, inspiring it to grow and express it's own unique creativity of leaves and blossoms. But then someone comes along who wants to use the glory of this love tree for their own desires and so they cut the tree trunk, separating it from it's roots that must grow in freedom to survive. The tree eventually dies, even when offered an abundance of sunlight and water (perhaps this other person's idea of relationship?) I don't think love can survive without freedom. It will stop blooming and eventually lose its leaves.

I like what R. says about selflessness and I suppose that love needs selflessness to survive. Selflessness seems very connected to freedom and unconditionality to me. Also, I've experienced a lot of personal pain created by that "deeply entwined" love-lust R. offers in her description. I tend to connect the two, love and lust together, which is what it seems to me, creates this painful "attachment, grasping, desire". I'm still searching for more of the defining factors of love/in love though-- trying to define something that is undefinable.

My husband says:

"Being in love brings love into human form. Love is an all pervading energy running the universe. Human love is directed towards someone or thing. We can fall in and out of love. This might depend on how we are treated, it might be conditional. It brings with it strong attachments, as this person or thing becomes the source of love for us in our lives.

Lust is a longing for the pleasure that we know this object of love can bring to us under the right conditions. I think of it as more sexual in nature. Lusting after someone or thing. It is an intense need to satisfy sexual desires. It is a form of love in action."

I smile when he says " lust is a form of love in action". That's so beautiful to me. I imagine myself being ravaged by a powerful lover with uncontrollable passion. He loves me a lot like that. And this description, "love is an all pervading force running the universe" and "being in-love brings love into human form" really works for me too, but it doesn't necessarily answer my question about the difference between being in love versus loving someone as both bring love to the human form. I agree that being in-love brings with it strong attachments.

Pema offers her 2 cents:

"The difference between love and in love is that
love is unconditional, wants nothing in return whereas "in love" triggers my buttons and makes me want/need things in return: acceptance, recognition, time, energy, being treated like I want to be treated. I believe we can learn deep soul lessons in both, but learn more with the "in love" because it's often difficult and requires us to work on the places we have need.

As for
Lust and Love, lust is primal, body based, chemical, uncontrollable passion. It has more to do with the second and first chakras. Love is more centered in the upper chakras, starting with the heart and going up. There can be plenty of lust without love, but love can also encompass lust because it brings that second chakra energy up to the heart. Often, "in love" is combined with lust (but not necessarily...often it contributes to the person falling and feeling like they are in love, but you don't have to be in love to lust). When the two lower chakras are triggered, plus the other buttons of safety, security, needing, then the relationship can be quite tumultuous as the balance of the open heart is lost in fear."

OK, what Pema says here really rings my chimes. Her answer to this love/in love dilemma begs me ask, WHY? Why all these triggers when we fall in love? The answer that comes to me is the humanness of the in love experience that my husband mentioned. We have all these human needs and desires and being in love seems to be one of the most powerful aspects of the human condition. I get the sense that I'm really asking the wrong question here with this whole love/in love thing (per what I'm actually looking for).

Pema says love is unconditional and R. say it's selfless. That seems to be my ultimate experience of love. It's mere existence is giving and it requires nothing in return. Divine love permeates the universe and by its very nature is given to all, freely and abundantly. Humans try and fail and try again to emulate this.

Pema says that in love triggers her buttons. yesYesYES!!! Being in love is a big button pusher for me. When I experience myself simply opening to the possibility of falling in love my buttons get pushed and fear arises. It's like an alarm goes off and the red lights start flashing. needsNeedsNEEDS!!! Needs coming to the forefront! Needs that will demand to be met and fear that they won't be.

Talk about love and lust together--they are totally intertwined for me. More on that with the lust part in another minute. I totally resonate with what Pema says about learning more from the in love because it's difficult and requires us to work on the places that we have need. I have experienced so much suffering from being in love. I know that I've healed a huge piece of my buried issues that have caused me this pain but in love absolutely triggers my deep seated woundedness and places that I still need to heal. Without a doubt. I'm obviously obsessed with meeting my woundings face to face.

I'm sure there is no definitive line that separates love and in love but it's been nagging me. I'm really starting to think though that I'll eventually get more clarity with a different question. I also like what Pema says about lust/love when she goes into the chakra stuff. That's my experience of it too. There is the lower chakra sexual need which manifests as lust for me. That's the hormonal lust that I assume lover who is my lover is talking about or when my husband says "an intense need to satisfy sexual desires". But saying something is hormonal implies a lot. What I understand about my hormones isn't simple. It's like the chicken and the egg conundrum--which came first? My hormones create lust/desire. My lust/desire create hormones. There is certainly a body based desire but ultimately isn't that just soul expressing itself through physical form? Hormones are part of the interrelated dance of mind/body/emotions/soul. Mind creates hormones, hormones create a state of mind. Body creates hormones, hormones create body. Hormones create emotions, emotions create mind...on and on it goes. It's circular with no beginning or no end. Our humanness is complicated. My love/lust/in love life is complicated.

Lust is almost always connected to in love for me. I am definitely not a swinger or someone who is interested in finding a lot of different sexual partners (I'm polyamorous so a lot is relative isn't it ;) ). I have nothing against recreational sex for those who are interested in partaking but fucking simply for the sake of fucking tends to leave me pretty cold. And yet, I'm extremely interested in sex of all kinds and I spend a significant amount of my time in a mind world of variegated sexuality. It interests me to no end. But 99% percent of the time I have no interest in actually physically engaging in sex that is not related to love and making intimate connection with another.

When I look at the Triangluar Theory of Love, being in love seems to relate to Romantic Love with the combined conponents of intimacy and passion. At this point the most significant thing I understand about this whole love/in love thing is the humanness of it all. Humans are complicated beings and being in love seems to be a very human conundrum. Lets jump in the sandbox and keep playing!

Back to The Triangular Theory of Love:

The "amount" of love a person experiences depends on the absolute strength of these components (intimacy, passion, commitment) whereas the "type" of love a person experiences depends on the relative strength of these components in relation to the other components. Different types of love, along with the various stages of love are explained by the different combination of these components.

Seven different types of love:
1. Liking/Friendship*Intimacy--True Friendship; bondedness;warmth;closeness

2. Infatuated Love*Passion--* Pure passion. Romantic relationships often start out as infatuated love and become romantic love as intimacy develops over time. Without developing intimacy or commitment, infatuated love may disappear suddenly.

3. Empty Love*Commitment--Sometimes, a stronger love deteriorates into empty love or the opposite can happen such as in a culture in which arranged marriages are common, relationships often begin as empty love and develop into one of the other forms with the passing of time.

4. Romantic Love*Intimacy & Passion--Individuals are bonded emotionally through intimacy and physically through passionate arousal.

5. Companionate Love*Intimacy & Commitment--Intimate, non-passionate love that is stronger than friendship. Often found in marriages where the passion has gone out but a deep affection and commitment remain but is also found between family members and close friends.

6. Fatuous Love*Passion and Commitment--is exemplified by a whirlwind courtship and marriage in which a commitment is motivated largely by passion without the stabilizing influence of intimacy.

7. Consummate Love*Intimacy, Passion & Commitment--The complete form of love, representing an ideal relationship toward which people strive. Of the seven varieties of love, consummate love is theorized to be that love associated with the “perfect couple” who continue to have great sex fifteen or more into the relationship. They overcome their difficulties gracefully, and each delight in the relationship with one other. Maintaining a consummate love may be even harder than achieving it. consummate love may not be permanent. If passion is lost over time, it may change into companionate love.

"Without expression even the greatest of loves can die."--Robert Sternberg

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I Can Fly!

While driving to Butte College this morning the sky looked like the second coming of Christ. The dawning of a new day. I was incredibly uplifted. At lunch I was walking and I had this visceral experience of struggling to learn to crawl when all of a sudden I realized I could fly. I can fly. I know I can fly. I used to fly in my dreams all the time. Why don't I fly any longer? But it's like riding a bicycle you know, once you've learned you never forget. Enlightenment is like that. One never forgets. I spend so much time and energy tenaciously focused on learning to crawl, down here on the ground. The ground is good. But oh my, I can fly!

The Messenger (posted from You Tube below)

Got a letter from a messenger
I read it when it came
It said that you were wounded,
you were bound and chained

You had loved and you were handled
You were poisoned, you were pained
oh no, oh no -
you were naked, you were shamed

You could almost touch heaven
right there in front of you
liberty just slipped away on us
now there's so much work to do

Oh the door that closes tightly
is the door that can swing wide
oh no, oh no -
Not expecting to collide

For a minute I let my guard down
not afraid to be found out
Completely forgotten
what our fears were all about

oh no, oh no -
There's no need to be without

There's a chance and I will take it
this desire I can't kill
Take my heart, please don't break it
I will crawl to your foothill

I'm frightened but I'm coming,
please baby, please lay still
oh no, oh no -
Not coming for the kill
oh no, oh no -
Not coming for the kill
oh no, oh no -
Not coming for the kill

'The Messenger' by Daniel Lanois

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

What We Do

From The Great Debaters:

Who is the judge? The judge is God. Why is He God? Because he decides who is right or wrong, not my opponent.
Who is your opponent?
He does not exist.
Why does he not exist?
Because he is a mere dissenting voice of the truth I speak!


We do what we have to do so we can do what we want to do.

Watching this movie was intense for me. I was feeling so much love I could barely contain it. It was painful. I hurt. I think I do not know how to love without hurting. It's as if I'm trying too hard to contain love's expansion.

Today I walked and listened to Coleman Barks on my iPod.

Tender Agony

A craftsman pulled a reed from the reed bed, cut holes in it and called it a human being.
Since then it has been wailing a tender agony of parting.
Never mentioning the skill that gave it life as a flute.


A Bowl

Imagine the time
the particle you are
returns to where it came from.
The family darling comes home.
Wine without being contained in cups
is handed around.
A red glint appears in a granite outcrop
and suddenly the whole cliff turns to ruby.
At dawn I was walking along with a monk
on his way to the monastery.
We do the same work I told him.
We suffer the same.
He gave me a bowl
and I saw the soul has this shape.
Shams, an actual sunlight
help me now.
Being in the middle of being
partly within myself
and partly outside


God In The Stew

Is there a human mouth that does not give out soul sound?
Is there love, a drawing together of any kind
that is not sacred?
Every natural dog sniffs God in the stew.
Look inside your mind.
Do you hear the crowd gathering?
Help coming every second.
Still you cover your eyes with mud.
Wash your face.
Anyone who steps inside an orchard
walks inside the orchard keeper.
Millions of love tents bloom on the plane.
A star inside your chests says
none of this is outside you.
Close your lips
and let the maker of mouths talk.
The one who says things.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself.

Love.