Sunday, January 27, 2013
I recently read "Don't cry over someone who wouldn't cry over you" and it really stuck with me. All day yesterday it was my mantra and I just carried on carrying on. The tears came later in the evening. My eyes would well up and then overflow. It happened several times before the meltdown came with her text to him "I missed you tonight". That cut deep. "Well at least someone was missed", I snarkily replied. Then the meltdown. I made myself sick. Tears and snot and carrying on until my throat hurt. You know how they go. It wasn't pretty. They never are. And I woke up this morning still feeling like shit. My sweetie made me tea in bed though and then crawled back in with me with his computer. Thank the lord for small blessings.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
A polyamorous facebook friend posted about her boyfriend making breakfast and bringing it to her and her metamour--brunch in bed for the three of them on New Year's morning. It made me jealous. Here I am in the midst of a wonderful New Year's celebration with family and close friends in Santa Barbara. Last night we eat out at a fun restaurant and then returned home for much music and merry making. Ten of some of the people I love most in this world, spent the night together and then woke late for coffee, mimosas and a delicious brunch. Later we had a delightful time of the beach watching dolphins romping, while pelicans dive bombed for fish. Back home I've enjoyed a sweet evening playing canasta while drinking delicious homemade pomegranate liquor with my best friend forever. It's been a lovely welcoming in of the new year.
But that twinge of jealously has lingered and as grateful as I feel about the abundance of love in my life, I've noticed that I'm a bit unsettled. Perturbed perhaps. I don't have another lover in my life and neither does my husband. Well, we both have each other of course and that's nothing to take for granted and we don't. And we do love others and others love us too. But we sure aren't living anything close to a polyamorous dream. K dumbed me a year and a half ago and I'm still grieving that loss. I'm not looking for another lover. I don't have the time or wherewithal. And I've forbade (I'm embarrassed to say) my husband from taking another lover as he doesn't handle New Relationship Energy well, loses his balance and behaves in ways that erode my trust and break my heart. I'm fed up with dealing with the drama it creates every time he falls in love with someone new.
If new love arrived I suppose I wouldn't avoid it but I'm not seeking it out. I have no desire to. There are already so many people and opportunities in my life to share my love that I'm hardly lacking. Not sexual love mind you, but love just the same. And quite frankly, I'm overly busy as it is. My life is full and abundant and love abounds. I do miss not having more than one sexually loving relationship... actually, I still miss K, so when I yearn, I yearn for him. And I miss my husband not having another lover, one that doesn't create undue jealously and contribute to my recurring post traumatic stress. We are getting older rather than younger, obviously, and I sometimes wonder if this is it. I'm thankful for the experiences we've had but to be truthful, I'm not really satisfied and ready to throw in the towel.
But I love my life, as stressful as it has been these last couple of years, and I'm sincerely grateful for this sweet man by my side, and the abundance and adventure we experience together. I am ready to dive deep into 2013 and get soaking wet with whatever it has in store for me.