Who Am I? # 7

I'm noticing the physicalness of self. What about this is actually me? This body is such a vehicle for Self, a via, a means, a channel. Most of what I know about self is through this body. For the longest time I couldn't imagine residing anywhere except in the region of my head, directly behind my eyes. Now that's interesting, the seat of the soul...but it was about my mind and brain activity. You know, Descarte's "I think, therefore I am." Now it's, I AM, therefore I try not to think. Or something like that.

So here I am in this body and it seems about the most powerful tool I posess to know Self. To be embodied. Who I am is embodied. I reside in this body.

I think of my beloved Grandmother, Mary Jane. One of the great true loves of my life. She died when I was 17 and pregnant with my first child. I went to the funeral home with my mother, brother, and sister to view her body. Everyone was staunch and composed as we walked inside. I broke down in the lobby and couldn't bear to enter with them. They emerged in tears, broken up. I went in then by myself and as soon as I saw her I was comforted. "That's not Gramma", I said. I knew. My Grandmother was not that dead body lying there in the casket. That body had served her oh so well and then she had abandoned it when it got too old. I emerged with no tears, at peace.

My Grandmother gave me so much love with her body. I slept between her and my Grandfather everynight from the time I was a newborn until he died. Then I slept with her until I was 6 and we moved away. She bathed me, massaged me, fed me, sang to me.

We use these bodies to share so much of Self. Touch, sex, eye contact, a smile, kind words and gestures. When the presence of Self swirls through the body it's powerful. I can experience some of this on my own, without Another but oh my, sharing Self with Another via our bodies. Hang on. God knew what she was doing when she created physical bodies!

And it's this presence of Self that I seek in my relationship with Another. My Self, their Self. Contact. Oh, oh, oh, there YOU are! And here I am! Imagine that! The eyes, the powerful eyes... So, who am I? I am the one who keeps gently reminding, sometimes nagging, nagging, nagging, "Hello, I'm wanting to make contact. That's MY only agenda here. Ego has other agendas, many oh so seemingly important agendas when there is another ego to relate to, to impress, to give information to, to get something from... but I don't really care about all of that. I care about connecting with Another. I have the time and patience to stop and look into their eyes and gaze at Who they are. Another Who! Oh, hi there! Hello, nice to get ego to shut up for a moment and move out of the way so we can greet one another. How are You? Oh, I already know how You are. You are wonderful. You are love. You are so beautiful. I've missed you so. Hello. Hello. Hello. Thanks for stopping by.