Friday, February 18, 2011

Death By Fire

Another dream about my mama.  This time it was fire.  And I was in it with her.  I must haven chosen to burn up with her.  But then I changed my mind.  I left.  Kinda snuck out.  And there was someone else in there besides her and me.  It seems like it was one of my children, maybe my daughter or my granddaughter and eventually she came out also but I can't remember.  It might have been another part of me.  I had decided that I didn't want to die.  But then this other part of me came back and got me.  I was wanting her to go back in.  I could see into the fire room where my mama was dying.  Burning up.  She was crying out to me because she was alone and afraid.  I called back to her and she could hear me.  She was relieved.  I told her "It's okay mama, I'm here."  She asked me to stay with her.  She wanted to come out of the fire too but I told her it was too late.  I knew it wouldn't be good for her to try and stop the process now.  I felt guilty too, like I should still be in there, burning up with her.  It was okay that I changed my mind, wasn't it?  I mean, death is something we can back out of, right?  I decided I wasn't ready to die but I felt like I was backing out on her, like we'd made this pack together and now I'd abandoned her to do it on her own.  My mama was dying.  She was burning up and didn't want to be alone.


Pagan Topologist said...

These last two posts are remarkable. I have wanted to comment on the first one and now the second for a long time, but everything I wrote seemed so trite at best. There are, of course, elements left besides fire and water. I do not get the idea that you are unconsciously wishing for your mother's death, but that somehow you want to experience her present life, at least in relation to you through elemental lenses which enhance and accentuate the connection. And yet, letting go is an inevitable part of this experience.

Thank you so much for posting these. If you experience the same thing through earth or air or spirit, I truly hope you will feel it is OK to share here.

I don't know whether I have succeeded in not being trite or not rambling pointlessly. But the need to respond to you here was too strong to ignore.

I AM ANOTHER said...

Thanks for commenting Pagan, and it doesn't strike me as trite. I've also been wondering if the other elements will arrive. I don't get the idea that I'm unconsciously wishing for my mother's death either. Goodness she is 88 years old and dying. The only thing I can wish for is to connect with her as much as possible during this time, as you say, experience her...I feel as a midwife of sorts, helping her in this process. In a way, it also seems as if she has turned much over to me, to handle in a way that is best for me, trying to cope with her death. I'm wishing on one hand, that I was more involved with her everyday care and that she lived with me. And yea, I don't want that, didn't want that. This is my choice also and i own that. I didn't want to give up all that if would have required of me to do that--and I really didn't see a viable way to make that possible. She needs constant care. I'm thankful for the people who are caring for her and she and I are doing our process in the way we are, and we've both created it together.

Pagan Topologist said...

My mother is also 88, and is still living independently. She still drives a car, and does so safely. In some ways she seems stronger than she did a year or so ago; she has taken to lying down on the floor and getting back up, since one of my brothers is always afraid she will fall and not be able to get up. Many of her firends are horrified and say that if they were to lie on the floor, they would never be able to get up without help. But she does seem more at the mercy of the family malady, ADD. She begins one project and gets sidetracked on another, over and over, unless she has a deadline.

She creates flower arrangements for her church almost every week; that she does reliably because there is a deadline!

I AM ANOTHER said...

Having a purpose to our lives is so important. I'm glad you mother still has a passion for living!