Full Moon Tarot Reading
What do I need to know about my current struggle (with K and in general as K just represents a part of myself)? Clarity in regards to my current struggle.
I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm still struggling in regards to my relationship with K. But I am. I hate that feeling of having lost my power. At the same time, I'm pleased with my ability to give myself to love. There is certainly nothing for me to be ashamed of because I've opened my heart and allowed myself to be vulnerable. I'm the lucky one. And I know that my struggle is not just about K and I. I had so much going on in my life before this glitch in our matrix revealed itself. Death/letting go/emotional overwhelm was already up in a big way before K pushed me over the edge and Death continues to assert itself. People in my life have been dropping like flies. My mama is still dying. Dying is her life process right now and I'm more aware than ever how this life is a training ground for death and I'm grateful for every moment I have left to spend with her. But I continue to be triggered around K's and my relationship. Various stuff comes up that throws me off kilter. The hardest thing is the experience of separation, when we are out of sync with one another. I've really lost my balance. I'll be going along just fine and then I find myself falling into a void, as if I've lost my identify and I don't know who I am or what my role is. I don't know how to be his friend and not his lover. I don't want to be his friend and not his lover. It's like I was kicked off a train before I had reached my destination and it pisses me off. It's an awkward and sad place or me. Sometimes. Not always. Truthfully I'm quite fine, most of the time, but this tender hearted vulnerability has a grip on me.
I have been struggling with hope and fear. I have fears and hopes about my relationship with K that I've been afraid to admit, that I have not paid full attention to. Here they are, spelled out in this tarot reading.
Who I am, my heart.
What's going on for me right now.
The obstacle facing me, my challenge, what I need to integrate.
Who I am--The Two of Cups is upside down
What's going on for me--Ace of Cups is almost upside down also
My Challenge--Death (fuck you death)
Yes, I'm a water girl--Cups represent water. Emotions. Ya think?!
Twos represent balance and are ruled by the moon. My heart is receptive with a strong attractive force. That's a good thing. Of course I know this about myself and it pleases me. I'm what Jerry calls a "warm woman". Twos can also be very secretive and private, and I definitely am this way also. This aspect of self arrives when I don't feel very safe and trusting which I don't right now. I feel very vulnerable. The Two of Cup and the Ace of Cups are interesting polar opposites because the ace is an outward thrust, it's about putting yourself out there, which is what I see myself doing when I tell the truth about what's going on for me, like when I write in this blog. It's scary. The two of cups in more inward and represents all the deep watery emotions surrounding sex...bingo, this is so much of who I am and what I'm about. This is my heart. My heart = love and sex. This card often refers to two parts of the self, it also represents who we are in regards to another, it relates to our sexual relationship with another. For me, who I am is who I am in relationship with another. In this reading, it's about K. Consider the name of this blog. This card represents harmony and new love--new relationship energy (NRE) which is wild and sweet. It's about unconscious desires and a heart full of love. The outcome of this card (not this reading) is union. Well, maybe it is also the outcome of this reading. We shall see. I'm always seeking union. This is who I am. K tells me he isn't sexually attracted to me anymore and here I am, seeking union with him anyway. Again, my sexual loving relationships is how I play out who I am. With my K, with my husband, with Lover Who Is Not My Lover...
Funny it's about newness...? And I can't ignore the fact that it's totally upside down. All this good juicy energy that is trying to emanate from the Two of Cups is blocked. There is a reverse flow. My receptivity is blocked, my power of attraction is blocked. I seek union but it's not happening.
Aces represent gifts and the Ace of Cups is the gift of love. It's an outpouring. It is the beginning of love. NRE comes up again. The Ace of Cups says that the root of what I am going through right now is big watery emotions. Again, more newness, the beginning of something? I'm diving in gracefully. Whoa. Diving in gracefully? I don't feel graceful. I feel out of balance and awkward (sometimes I feel grateful moving through this, and I know I'm a harsh judge of myself). This is a feel good card--all about the feminine and being receptive to unconditional love. Well, if this is what I'm going through it's surely in disguise. I don't feel good and I don't feel unconditional love. Okay, that's not true. I do feel unconditional love, from both the love I'm giving and the love I'm receiving. That is ultimately true but not always my truth of the moment.
My obstacle, the challenge I need to integrate is the major arcana card--DEATH. So I have something to let go of? Really? What? Hope and Fear? K? My mom? K to love me the way I want him to love me? The Death card in tarot doesn't usually signify actual physical death but perhaps in this case it does. As a metaphor, the obvious death is of my and K's relationship, or the ending of the way I want it to be, or thought it was. Maybe it's a death of something else... This card seems to read pretty obvious and it's not in reverse. Just tipped to the left a bit--repressed. I don't want to admit that I might be in denial. I don't want to accept death, letting go, grief, loss. I'm a hanger on-er. This makes my heart hurt. Too much death surrounding me. But I know that death is always about rebirth. Something transformed always rises out of the ashes. Something is definitely changing. Am I the one dying and changing in some deeply spiritual way (of course) or is this challenge the obvious process I'm going through with K? My mom is dying. It's all connected for me. but I can't see the forest for the trees.
A pretty outstanding reading I'd say. And I admit...it gives me hope...and admitting that...fear.
My zen mama titties.