Saturday, August 13, 2011

Calling On The Full Moon to Return My Spiritual, Magic, Earthy Juju

I'm depressed.
My spiritual path sucks.
But it's the only thing that makes sense to me.
I'm just going to ramble here...

I'm struggling with the balance of wanting what is and selling myself short.
What the fuck does that even mean?
I know that attachment does me in every time.
I know that when I release attachment I release my suffering.
But sometimes a girl just has to be where she is.
After all, there is no place else to be.  Right?
Where is that fucking balance between accepting the reality of what is and wanting what I want?
And there are two realities of what I want, that I'm not sure I'm capable of writing about in a clear and coherent manner.

Here it is, what I don't want.  I have it.  I must accept that this it is.  I don't have to like it but I have to admit to its presence in my life.  This is the part I'm always trying to deal with in a positive way.  Utilize its present in my life by finding the value of it.  I have it,  so I might as well want it and use it for something good.  Right?  Sometimes it's difficult to want but bottom line is that I have to deal with it.  I have to accept its presence in my life even if I don't accept it as a good thing.  But here's the clincher--this acceptance thing.  Bare minimum I can accept it as a non avoidable fact, at least for the time being. The next best thing is to accept it as a good thing.  Accepting it as a good thing simply means that it's good because it's here.  It doesn't mean that it's ultimately good although it may be.  That factor is unknown.  But it is good for some reason or else it wouldn't be here.  Maybe it's here because it really is a good thing that will better my life and I just don't see it that way at the moment.  Maybe it's good because I need to get rid of it or change it, and it's the experience of the particular process of dealing with it that is good.

If I'm attached to not having this thing, then I suffer.  It's not the wanting of things to be different that makes me suffer, it's my attachment to things being different that makes me suffer.  So acceptance and attachment (or non attachment) are two very separate things.  This shit makes me talk in circles.  It makes me feel mentally ill.  This is my spiritual path?  Fuck me.

I try to want/love whatever is here while it's here.  That doesn't mean I need to keep it around.  I can even actively work on getting rid of it.  It's just that if I become attached to being rid of it, then I suffer. Is this process I'm trying to describe as crazy making for you as it is for me?  And that's not even the difficult part.

Here's the difficult part.  I struggle with keeping my balance in the reality of what it.  I know (at least I believe from what I've learned up to this point in my life) from experience that I must allow myself to fully experience what is.  What is, has two parts--first, it is this thing in my life that I don't want; second, it's my emotional reaction to this thing.   There is the truth, the ultimate truth of whatever is, and then there is the truth of the moment.  The truth of the moment may be that I'm angry, sad, depressed, wanting to throw a fit, scream, cry, feel sorry for myself, resist, deny the reality, hope for something different, fear that what I think is, actually is...on and on.  The ultimate truth may be that all is love, all is good, all is perfect just as it is, yada fucking yada.

Here is my dilema:  My spiritual path tells me to get to wanting what is, as quickly as possible.  That's the best way to possibly deal with it.  My spiritual path also tells me to fully experience my emotions and truth of the moment, whatever it is.   I know that fully experiencing my emotions will best allow me to come to that place of wanting what is anyway.  So why do I struggle with all of this so?

I think it's my different parts.  There is the big ME and the little me.  Both me.  Both important.  The big ME knows that there is only love and that all is good because love is good and that's all there really is.  The big ME knows that's whatever is, is love, and it accepts this love in whatever way it manifests.  The little me says, "What the fuck?  I don't want this!  I want love to manifest in this particular way.  I don't want what I have and I want something different and I want it now!  Get rid of this other shit and give me what I want and give it to me right NOW!"

I really don't know how to balance these two parts.  I love that little me, as spoiled and unreasonable and clueless as she can be at times.  She deserves to be heard but not perhaps indulged.  But she wants to be indulged.  She is crying and unhappy and she wants to pout, and throw a temper tantrum and, well, er, you better indulge her or she might burn the fucking house down.  Get it?!

Besides,  I'm making fun of her and she's not all that bad.  In fact, she's not bad.  Unruly and a bit undisciplined yes but she is a free spirit and wasn't meant to be tamed.  Just taught.  Truthfully, I do believe that she deserves to have what she wants.  And I want her to have what she wants.  Because ultimately I believe that that is why she is here.  To get what she wants.  Yep.  I believe that.  To get what she wants in the way she wants it.  And that is okay too.  Yes, she does get a little, er, a lot confused sometimes and that's why big ME, is a part of this whole story too.  big ME is a good guide.  And it's not like little ME getting what she wants is the whole story, but it is a big part of the story.  I believe that this human journey is a lot about getting little ME what she wants.  She can't do it without big Me.  Besides, little ME isn't only selfish--all about meMeME.  Little ME wants to do good in this world.  It's little Me that allows big ME to even be here.  Well, visa versa too.  So it's all about my parts working in harmony.  That's my struggle in a nutshell!  This human journey is a tough nut to crack!

I think I sell myself short.  I get lost between these two parts of myself.  And that's who I am--these two parts.  I've spent a good portion of my life over indulging the untaught little ME and that gets me no where good.  Denying big ME gets me no where good either.  Fuck.  Do you understand why this is so fucking crazy making?  I feel like I've lost my spiritual, magic, earthy, juju.  I feel stupid and powerless.  I feel pissed off.  I'm angry at myself.  I'm lost and confused.  I'm furious.  I'm sad.  I'm depressed.

As a whole, I'm getting by, I'm surviving.  I'm even doing pretty damn fucking good even though I'm angry, sad, and depressed.  I'm also happy a good portion of the time.  Content.  Peaceful.  But I don't no where to go with all of this.  Little me is afraid to talk.  Little me is filled with hope and fear.  I'm tempted in wanting to banish hope and fear.  I even thought to do a ritual to get rid of it.  Big ME knows that hope and fear is a big fat path to no where that is screwing with little me's mind.  But I'm also thinking that I'm just needing to fully embrace all of my hopes and fears.  How do I embrace them fully and then let them go?  That's my question of the moment.

I need some full moon magic to get my juju back.


Pagan Topologist said...

Do you need the duality. Cannot the big and the little merge to be transformed to a complete whole. Having communicated with you both in person and electronically, I venture the opinion that the merged unified whole Adrienne is pretty special.

I AM ANOTHER said...

Hi Pagan, I just re-read my incoherent ramblings here. Yes, I guess I do need the duality because it's here. Living in this dualistic world is all about dealing with that, isn't it. If one buys into the illusion of duality anyway, which is what human life seems to be about. It's the contrast, that ultimate clears the way for me. Contrast is ultimately good, it just doesn't feel good. Contrast is only an illusion too but who cares if it's real or not when it causes so much pain anyway. Illusions can be powerful! Anyway, contrast...Hummm. Well, yes, that's my struggle, getting big me and little me to work in harmony and function together as the one that they actually already are. Yes, we all do so much better when we stop this separation bullshit. Thank you.

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