Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Waiting For The Shift

I've been enjoying a new level of intimacy with my husband. I love that we can talk about everything and that there are no taboo subjects to separate us. I don't remember how long ago it was, the last time I felt nervous about bringing up some truth that needed to be said to him. It's a safe yet exciting space we inhabit--me having nothing to hide from him, he holding no secrets from me, each of us showing up for whatever the other has to offer in words and deed.

Awhile back I posted about liars and Jerry asked it there was something we needed to talk about and clear. I couldn't think of anything and neither could he but when he read my post it triggered his understanding of how important it is to check in with each other. That's part of what being in a committed relationship is about. Checking in. It's not that we consciously withhold important information from the other but sometimes in the course of our busy lives, we occasionally neglect to disclose something that might better serve us laid out on the table. We are both so done living in the shadows.

I've been contemplating what it means to be in a committed relationship and what's been coming up for me is the time and energy it takes to keep the love flowing. This dance of the committed relationship seems to unfold fairly simply and organically for Jerry and I but it still requires some effort. And there are no set steps for this dance. Each relationship seems to uniquely choreograph itself, but each demands a certain amount of devoted attention to keep a sense of integrity, balance, and love flowing freely. Complacency breeds stagnation.

When I commit to a love relationship my intention is to do whatever it takes to keep my heart open and the love flowing freely between us. You can trust that I will tell you the truth and that I will to do my very best to take care of your heart by considering my actions and how they may affect you. Jerry and I do this easily and well for one another.

I have another love relationship in which I've been very out of balance. My tendency has been to be a low maintenance friend and to not ask for much. I've been enjoying to a certain extent, wanting what is rather than striving to get what I want. I appreciate receiving what is available and freely given but I'm not against asking for something if the need or desire is strong enough.

So my lost of equilibrium in this particular relationship is not because I was ignoring my needs or desires, but rather because when those needs and desires arose, Another was not available to meet me where I wanted to go. He was either unwilling or incapable of showing up for me in ways that he had agreed to show up and I was unwilling to search him out in an attempt to eek some love out of him. I prefer attention that is freely given and as spiritually enamored as I am with self growth, I don't always want my ego busted. I'm worth being pursued.

I don't know what to do about this. Perhaps there is nothing to do and until the muddy waters of my mind settle I'll continue to do nothing. My emotions have calmed down, my heart is open and love is flowing. I'm not telling my truth but I'm not willfully withholding either. I do have a stubborn streak but when someone makes the choice to disappear from my life I'm not so sure it's in either of our best interest to chase after them. So this continues, neither of us making an effort to connect. We each have our reasons of course and my ego tells me that my reason is valid and appropriate. I'm not willing to contact him and I'm not ready to make myself available to him until something shifts. And I don't know if this shift is in him or in me or in the stars. Maybe all three. Thing is, when it happens I'll know.

1 comment:

Greenwoman said...

((Hugs))Honoring yourself and valuing yourself highly is sometimes a lonely task, but the company you keep is worthy...Yourself. *smiles*