Wednesday, August 13, 2008

What Is Real Here?

Well I keep posting pictures of myself because I have writer's block. I did have an interesting conversation with my friend Pema this morning after our morning walk in the park. Maybe I'll write about that.

We were discussing relationships and the issue of rights we as individuals possess in our relationships. It's a concept that really didn't resonate with either of us. Rights in relationship seem to relate to victimhood, as in the perception that someone is violating, duping, cheating, deceiving, or in some way violating me. This is a place neither of us are willing to go--or at least stay for an extended period of time. I'm fine with calling a spade a spade but I'd rather take responsibility for my part in a relationship than blame Another for the choices they make that aren't working for me.

Of course I have rights. This is elementarily obvious. I have the right to say and do and attempt to create anything I want in this life. I have the right to make whatever choices I make for whatever reasons I make them. I have the right to end a relationship, stay in the relationship, ask for what I want etc. Another also has rights. Another has the right to consider me, not consider me, love me, not love me, keep their agreements with me, break their agreements, tell me the truth, lie, give me what I want, not give me what I want, give me what I don't want, etc. The choices Another makes in relationship to me specifically and in relationship to self and to life, will obviously influence the choices I make about being in relationship with them.

I have the right to want what I want and to ask for what I want but Another has this right also so if what I want and what Another wants don't jive, or if Another doesn't agree to give me what I request, or doesn't follow through in giving me what they said they would, I need to figure out if it's worth staying in the relationship under those conditions. The tricky thing here is that I have various wants and often Another is fulfilling some of them while not fulfilling others. This is the case more often than not. It seems ludicrous to expect Another to always provide everything I want so...where to go from here?

What is beyond the issue of rights that needs to be considered when we are negotiating relationship dynamics and considering the best possible parameters for the relationship in regards to our well being? I suppose first off I need to consider whether the relationship is working for me or not in very concrete terms and this can be a complicated conundrum to contemplate. ALWAYS a complicated conundrum when there are problems where the heart is concerned. Often times part of the relationship is working well and other parts are not. This basically boils down to the cost/benefit ratio of what am I getting out of this relationship as opposed to what is it costing me. Some of the basic assessments I make at this point are:

1. How often to I feel good about the way this relationship is going as opposed to how often I feel bad about it? I might use the words happy and unhappy in this assessment. Relationships have their up and downs but overall if I'm in a relationship and I'm not at the very least 51% feeling good about the way the relationship is going to 49% feeling bad about the course it's taking then I better change something. And it's me that has to create the change because Another may not be willing to do so. If they are and they do, well fine, but in the end this is about what I must do differently not them.

2. What needs are being met in this relationship? And I don't necessarily measure this against what needs are not being met because I don't expect Another nor the relationship I create with them to meet all my needs. I just want to be fully aware of what particular needs are being addressed. I can then go about my business of appreciating what I'm receiving and going elsewhere for the rest.

3. Am I in this relationship to get something? Probably so. But I may also be here to give (probably so) and giving doesn't necessary cost me anything. Maybe this time around I'm here to focus more on the giving than the getting. Either way is okay and either way is my choice to take it and move forward or leave it behind but this a significant question to ponder. Especially important to consider is whether I can continue giving without resentment. I also want to make sure that I'm not being blind to some of the gifts I am receiving.

4.Is my heart open? Staying, leaving, changing, whatever I do I want to do it with an open heart.

5. Am I flowing the love? Staying, leaving, changing, whatever I do I want to flow the love.

6. Am I telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? If I'm not, this is my intention so it's time to step up to the plate. What is the truth that I need to speak? Is Another telling me the truth? What if they aren't? What is there for me to do about that? Is this a relationship I'm willing to stay in without Another's commitment to telling me the truth?

7. Have I committed to this relationship and am I keeping my agreements?

8. Why am I here? If I'm unhappy and I'm still here, what am I getting out of this?

9. What would staying or leaving or changing the parameters of this relationship offer me?

10. Is ego making up stories and encouraging me to relate to Another from my pain body? Probably so. But how much credence do I want to offer to this illusion? How much am I willing to identify with what isn't real? What is real here?


Gillette said...

For someone who has block, you seem to have found your voice on this topic. Thanks for this.

Adrienne Parker said...

Your welcome. And thank you Gillette. You know you are my inspiration with so much of this, especially with the cost/benefit ratio. More to come today when I'll answer the question, "What is real here?"