Friday, September 19, 2008

I've Made My Own Promises

Barbara Marciniack offered both the interesting and the odd before she started channeling the Pleiadians. I don't hold my channels to perfection. If humans are allowed to be imperfect why not Pleiadians and their so called "vehicles"? So even though some of what I heard seemed a little silly, I also received some very practical advice. Most of this was along the lines of devoting attention to creating integrity in the bodymind. She spoke of intention which is one of the most powerful and practical tools I'm already using in my life and it was a nice reminder that we don't need to know the specific steps to do, be, or have something, or to make something happen but if we use the power of our intention, what needs to be will eventually be. If I intend to be at the right place at the right time and for all good things to come to me, wherever and whatever that may be, the universe will set things in motion for that to happen. Supposedly, the times they are a changing. Astrologically speaking, things have really speeded up since 2007 and our ability to create with the mind has accelerated 100,000 times. Creative thoughts are spinning from the metaphysical to the physical--dropping from the seventh chakra down to the first like gang busters. And just like Abraham teaches, the Pleiadians talked about our feelings being our guidance system and how imperative it is to stay fine tuned to what we feel.

There was a question and answer period and I wanted to ask a question to help me refine the intricate nuances of practically applying self responsibility. Unfortunately I never had the chance but it goes like this for me:

I totally and 100% understand that I am responsible for what is transpiring in my life and my relationships. I get that relationships are a co-creation and whatever I am creating with another is something that I've agreed to and am fully cooperating with by choose. I am not a victim of another, plain and simple. But I struggle with the issues of communication and truthtelling, along with keeping my heart open and creating healthy boundaries for myself all at the same time. How do I communicate and tell my truth if another doesn't show up? There is only so much chasing I'm willing to do. So I get confused with my willingness. Is my lack of willingness simply ego trying to save face (create the illusion of self-respect), is it stubbornness, or is it backing off and giving another space, allowing them to make their choice to not show up and being respectful of that choice? I actually experience myself moving back and forth between openhearted allowing where all I feel is love, and into closed off protection where I am angry as hell and self righteously indignant...or sad and confused. My lack of clarity is big and the muddy waters of confusion torment me.

Part of my problem is the yearning for connection. I don't understand what another is going through and I want to be there as a friend and lover, to support them in anyway I can. But when they don't keep their word, break agreements and disappear, I'm at a total loss of how to respond. And then I have human desires too, for my love and friendship and support to be reciprocated in my times of need. How many times do you remind someone that they have yet again broken their promises to you? This is not about forgiving and forgetting. It's about taking care of my own heart, along with caring for another. Sometimes I get lost trying to take care of myself and another at the same time. And when I try to take care of my own self interests and create healthy boundaries, I sometimes feel my heart start to close down. I try to stay away from the judging and blaming and pointing fingers as I truly know that those are roads to nowhere, and yet it's this self protection and fear that is the result of when another breaks their promises to me over and over and I keep experiencing myself in compromising situations, places I don't want to be.

Obviously, the pay off from this relationship, when it arrives is grand but I never know if the follow through will happen or not and I start feeling like a person with a gambling addiction. Another's mode of doing relationship is very compelling. Obviously they have the goods and when the follow through manifests, the winnings are lovely but otherwise the experience is like a hangover and an empty wallet after an all night binge when the cha ching never arrived. And why am I doing this? Remind me one more time? Oh yea. Love.

This is a about connection. This other is a human being, a friend, a lover to whom I've made a commitment of truth. I've made my own promises. How the fuck do I show up and follow through?

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