Primary, Secondary, Tertiary--A Hiearchy of Polyamorous Love? Part Two (With a Sidedish of NRE)

Now, I must admit to having a bit of a bias in regards to the love that is experienced in a long term sustainable relationship. Whether this relationship is primary, secondary, or tertiary makes no difference. I'm talking about using the assessment of time as a significant factor in the level of commitment we offer to a relationship. Love tends to grow over time. Especially when we give the relationship devoted attention. The more time we spend with another, the more intimacy is shared and the bonds of friendship deepen. Vulnerabilities are exposed. Trust grows.

Not that I'm dissing "love at first sight". I've experienced it myself so I know some of its power and appeal. The heart is known to have the ability to open wide and fast. Some love opens as sweet friendship. Some a wild passion. When the heart opens to love, it's a beautiful thing, whatever form it takes.

I've had discussions with certain polyamorous individuals who subscribe to the idea that they must treat all of their partners as "equal". Now if by equal they meant that everyone deserves respect and consideration, kindness and compassion, in the general sense, then yes, I agree. But what some folks subscribe to is an equal consideration towards all of their partners, no matter how long the duration of the relationship. I remember a conversation with one man who was having some issues with his wife of many years over his "equal" consideration of his girlfriend of 3 months. I told him to get a clue. If I was in a new relationship with someone and they were offering me the same level of consideration as a their long-term partner, that would be a big red-flag for me that would actually lessen my ability to trust them. Yes, give me equal consideration as to what restaurant we all eat at or what movie to watch, but beyond that, I hope you'll get to know me better before you make me a beneficiary on your trust. Love at first sight or not.

One phenomenon that often occurs in new relationships that can cause stress in the already existing relationships is New Relationship Energy (NRE). NRE is a wonderful thing but the high one experiences from it can feel so overwhelming and all consuming that a person may be drawn to spend every free moment with their new love while neglecting what they are already committed to. It's also easy to give extra consideration to the preferences of the new love while taking your long-term partner for granted. Simply postponing your obligations to the non-human aspects of your life might be a reasonable choice as a temporary condition of NRE. Chaos ensues and then you clean up the mess later. We all have moments when we don't want to miss out on the fun and we are willing to pay the price later. But if one has other committed relationships, they must be conscientious in tending to those relationships. It's unkind and simply bad behavior to neglect an "old love" just because the "new love" seems more exciting in the moment. If you don't have what it takes to care for the heart of one love, you might want to reconsider your ability to pull off being a good partner to multiple lovers. An appropriate time to consider adding on is when you are maintaining well what you already have. Of course, love doesn't always come at "appropriate" times. Kind of like children. So we cope the best we can with an overly full plate sometimes.

That said. It's also important for the "old love" to exercise understanding and support towards the development of the new relationship. It's a very lovely gift when the long-term partner is willing to accept a little benign neglect from the one who is currently high on the drug of new love. This is a time when compersion is a very valuable asset to possess. Not merely tolerating, but encouraging and supporting the one you love, loving another, is a big piece of what makes polyamory work well.