A Woman's Power

My article, Polyamory vs "Free Love" was published recently in a local paper and I've received an abundance of positive feedback from friends, acquaintances, clients and even strangers who recognize me from the picture that was posted with the article. New clients have made appointments and I've received emails and phone calls from people interested in joining a support group. Most who have contacted me are searching for others living this lifestyle--not as "hook-ups", but for connection with those of a similar mindset. Everyone has been so complimentary, so sweet. I figured that there probably were those who also read the article that aren't so favorable but they've been keeping their opinions to themselves.

An old friend called me on Friday. I've known her since eight grade when we attended church group together. The level of our friendship has waxed and waned over the years but there has been a significant drifting apart over the last ten years or so but I've always maintained a fondness for her. I was surprised to receive her call and I was visiting with my daughter-in-law and granddaughter at the time, so I told her I would call her back the next day. That night I told Jerry about her call and how it had surprised me but that I thought it was very sweet.

I returned her call and it started out as before, the simple chatter of catching up, and then she hit me with her real motivation for getting in touch. "So Adrienne, I read your article about having "multiple sexual relationships" and I don't know if you are interested in hearing my perspective or not but that's what I called to talk to you about." "Sure," I said, "go ahead." I felt a bit ambushed as I had projected her reason for calling me as a simple gesture of friendship but I figured it was time to face off with one of my "detractors" so I took a deep breath and opened my heart and mind to her.

I spent the next fifteen minutes listening to her proselytize about her religious beliefs. She told me that a woman's power comes from her chastity and that seeking sense gratification in the form of sexual relations with men will only bring frustration and keep you trapped in the material world. She kept saying "you" this and "you" that, but I think she was referring to the collective you, as in she and me and all of us, rather than personally referring to me. I noticed myself wishing she would just speak for herself. Still, I held on to myself, remaining open, and allowing her tell me her story in her way.

She revealed some personal highlights of her life--about getting older and feeling the need to get more serious about her devotional path. She said she had come to realize that she possessed a very envious heart which she has healed by her devotion to God. I tried not to add to her vulnerable sharing by projecting my sense that she wanted me to know that I too had an envious heart. I listened without fully understanding her intent behind this disclosure but I didn't question her to gain more clarity. I wanted to avoid encouraging her too much as I was willing to listen along this line, but not for long. She said that since she had seriously dedicated herself to her spiritual path she no longer had sexual needs. In fact, she informed me, she never even thinks of sex anymore and what an incredible sense of freedom she has now being relieved from that desire.

She told me about an experience she had once while chanting God's name over and over for hours--He literally "danced on her tongue" and from that instance on, her life changed for good. She talked about being trapped in the material world and how we aren't these bodies, nor our senses, but rather we are pure spirit souls. Again, I found myself wishing she would just talk about her personal experiences. The part about God dancing on her tongue sounded like a profound spiritual experience. I bet she also had some interesting insight from her spiritual practice.

Problem was, she seemed to infer that because she had had her personal experience, she thought this meant something specific for me and others. As if because she experienced a sense of freedom from her lack of sexual desire, that this was something important for other women to strive for.

Thing is, my spiritual practice is for me to directly experience the truth of what I am, and I'm interested in doing what works for me, not what works for her. I am also interested in hearing the truth from others, as they experience it. But it tends to muddy the process if they are busy laying a trip on me about what they think my path should be.

And it just so happens that I've had a few experiences of dancing with God myself. I too have come to experience that I am not this body, nor my senses-- but unlike my friend, that doesn't translate into seeking a path to freedom from my sexual desires. My friend talked about non-attachment to the material world and yes, I get that. Non-attachment is a big part of my spiritual practice too, we are just going about it in different ways.

And another thing, although my ego certainly does tend to identify in the realm of the body, mind and senses, it just so happens that I came into this material world to play in these capacities and it wouldn't work nearly as well for me without my ego. I know I'm not this body, but I also accept the amazing opportunity I've been gifted with--to experience life in this body and I'm very appreciative of it. I'm not trapped here, I'm a willing participant. I choose to connect with others who have bodies, to connect in deeply loving, and sometimes sexual ways. That's part of my spiritual path. My friend may not understand what I'm doing but I'm not as totally clueless as I assume she thinks I am.

I think my friend probably took more of an issue with the fact that she thought that I was proselytizing to others about the joys of "multiple sexual relationships," rather than discreetly engaging in my "illicit behavior" behind closed doors. At least she didn't tell me about the pot of boiling oil awaiting me in hell as the suitable karma for indulging in my sinful ways.

I attempted to both listen and honor what she was saying while also playing a bit dumb as to what she was up to. During our conversation when the opportunity arose in the middle of her proselytizing, I would ask her a little about her life and three kids, trying to make a connection with her that worked for me too. She has a son in Iraq and her oldest daughter has a young child with another on the way (I nursed this child of hers when she was a baby and joyfully watched her grow into an intelligent and loving young woman. She happens to be one of my favorite people and always warms my heart when I see her.) Her other daughter lives in New York and is doing well. My friend inherited a nice piece of land from her father when he died and is happy to have something of substance to leave her children when she dies. I enjoyed hearing about her kids and the happiness in her voice when she spoke of them. I had a legitimate reason for ending our call pleasantly enough and I was glad that I had held onto myself and allowed space for her too. Just the same though, I realized I was sad and a little annoyed after I got off the phone.

Where did we get the idea that we could possibly know the right choice or best path for another? What is this projection about? Why would we choose our opinions and agendas over real connection with another? What is another? What is relationship with Another, with Self, with God?

Tell me what another is?

This encounter with my friend reminded me of
"John Safran vs Mormons" a funny YouTube rant of him being fed up with people who attempt to force feed their religious beliefs on others.