Editing Our Souls

CANCER (June 21-July 22): The counsel I'm about to offer is not given lightly. If you choose to heed it, it could wreak discomfort and disorder, at least initially. And you'll have to pump yourself up with more courage than you're used to feeling. Still, I'm convinced it's the right thing for you to hear; I believe that any breakdown it might engender will ultimately lead to a breakthrough. So here's the advice, courtesy of Franz Kafka: "Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly."

Yes, I'm a Cancer with the symbol 69 used to represent the qualities that best describe those of my sign. My Sun is in Cancer, with my Moon in Libra, and my rising sign in Scorpio. I have more of an intuitive understanding of what this means than actually being able to talk about it in any flowing, intelligent way. I've had people ask me what my astrological sign is, and by giving them the clue that I've given birth to six children they can guess it accurately.

Jerry's Sun is in Libra, with his Moon in Cancer and his rising sign in Scorpio. So we really match up in a kind of similar but opposite way. I find this interesting but not surprising. Several years ago I bought a compass to figure out the feng shui directions of our home. I did all these calculations to figure which directions were the most favorable for us to face while we slept and eat and all that.

Again, Jerry's and mine were similar and opposite. My most favorable position was Northeast whereas Jerry's was Southwest. My second most favorable position was Jerry's Southwest position and his second most favorable position was my Northeast position. So for instance, when we sit facing one another at the dinner table to eat, or gaze into each others eyes for a dyad communication, we are both not only facing our beloved, but also facing our most favorable position. Same when we sleep--well no, we don't sleep head to foot but facing either my most favorable position, or his, each of us are in either our foremost or second most favorable position. Kinda cool huh?

I just think there is something very synchronistically romantic about all of this.

Anyway, I've written a post about Rob Brezsny and his Free Will Astrology before and I guess it was time for me to mention him again. I really love his horoscopes and the way his mind works. He is a poetic genius as far as I am concerned so I'm encouraging everyone to check out his site on a regular basis and also to sign up for his astrological readings. He will generously gift your email in-box with his weekly horoscopes.

So, back to my horoscope for this week and my take (and rambling musings) on what Rob's brilliance means to me personally.

The counsel I'm about to offer is not given lightly. If you choose to heed it,
it could wreak discomfort and disorder, at least initially.

I've never been one to avoid discomfort or disorder in my life. Emotionally or physically. If I think there will be some benefit awaiting me I'll usually go for it, whatever "it" is. Heck, sometimes I'll jump into discomfort and disorder even without any perceived ultimate benefit.

Take these Enlightenment Intensives I've been doing--they are not exactly easy on my body. Sitting for hours and hours a day from early morning until late at night is down right painful at times and I'm a squirmer to begin with. But the benefit is immense so I go for it without question.

As for disorder, well, as I've grown older and wiser I'm more hesitant to create emotional disorder/discomfort in my life and will avoid it if at all possible. Yet, I'll jump right into the fray if I perceive the ultimate payoff is greater than the cost. And disorder in my physical environment? Well, I tend to be messy. Some have been known to call me a slob. I see no benefit whatsoever to the disorder I create and I am well aware of its many detriments, and yet I persist. In the past, I've contemplated how my messes create distance between me and others. Am I using them to avoid intimacy? I have only a few friends that I am truly comfortable exposing the extent of my messiness to. I have avoided inviting people to my house because my messes embarrass me. Whenever I need motivation to clean up I'll just throw a party or invite someone over because it's a sure bet that I'll clean up before they arrive.

And you'll have to pump yourself up with more courage than you're used to feeling.

I'm not very connected to the word courage. And I'll have to pump myself up with courage? How would I do that? Allow me to contemplate this for a moment...I suppose courage is feeling my fear and doing it anyway. I think I've posted about that before too. I've done a lot of that. I've never thought of my spiritual path as "courageous" but I suppose it's a word that really fits. And I do bolster up my courage all the time. How do I do this? I suppose it relates to my belief system and the integrity I possess that pushes me to live my life in a way that matches up with what I most value.

For instance, my commitment to telling the truth. It's not always easy but I believe that telling the truth is the best thing for me and for my relationships when I do. It's become something that I value highly. My integrity helps me to tell the truth, and also, telling the truth strengthens my integrity. No, I don't always tell the truth, not to the level I'm striving for, far from it. And I'll write a post on everything I've discovered about truthtelling sometime soon.) I still have some holes and weak spots in my truthtelling cloth of integrity. As my 20 year old son would say, "My bad."

Some of my courage comes from the wisdom of experience that tells me that it works best when I do the things I need to do to be the person I want to be and create the type of relationships I want. Mostly, I know what I need to do and sometimes its doing things that initially cause discomfort and/or disorder. It takes courage to invite discomfort and disorder into my life but I do it because I care about myself, I care about others, and simply because I want what I want and that's usually the best way to get it.

My courage also comes from a vision of my future self. Becoming more of the person I truly. Shedding my false identities. Blossoming into my authentic self. Living more of the life that matches the real me. It comes from my hopes and dreams of what is possible.

Still, I'm convinced it's the right thing for you to hear; I believe that any breakdown it might engender will ultimately lead to a breakthrough.

I like breakthroughs and even though I tend toward laziness, I'm willing to work for them. That's what the Enlightenment Intensives are about. That's what attempting to meditate everyday is about. Breaking through to Enlightenment. Breaking through to more of my true self. Breakdowns? Well, yea, I've had those too. A lot of them in fact. And they aren't so bad really. In fact, it's mostly a relief and a release when they arrive. Kinda like throwing up. I know some people hate to throw-up but me, I don't mind it much at all. It's kinda gross yes, but I feel so much better afterwards.

Breakdowns are usually about letting go of yet another false identity. My ego hates this and fights for its attachments, but oh well. My ego has been in charge of my life long enough. My turn. I'll still play with it but it's gonna have to loosen it's grip on the reins a bit learn to share some of the control.

So here's the advice, courtesy of Franz Kafka: "Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly."

I do tend to bend and water myself down. Yes I definitely do. I mean, isn't bending the same as being flexible? Isn't that a good thing? Watering down sounds wimpy and I do this too, usually out of fear that I'm going to offend someone. And isn't presenting a strong opinion rather ugly? I've certainly had my share of strong opinions in my life and I've been working to rid myself of them. I think I like not knowing better. I think I can do without "making it logical"... but then, I guess I do get caught up in that too. And editing my soul according to fashion? Ouch. I love fashion and is that necessarily a bad thing? Fashion tends to blow in on these massive waves of creative energy and what's the problem with catching a nice wave? It can be exhilarating. OK, not at the expense of my soul though so I'll be cautious of soul depleting fashion.

I think this is a lot what I'm doing here on this blog, attempting to expose my authentic self. Doing my best to not edit the real me for fear of who may read this stuff. A radical honesty sort of thing. But I'm not being radically honest, not really. There is some stuff I just don't write about because I'm afraid of certain people's power over me if I go too far in exposing myself. Most of my self-censorship has to do with sex. Expressing too much of my sexual identity, my desires and kinks, my vulnerabilities and places I feel broken. All that might be deemed as so inappropriate by some people and they might get uncomfortable and start looking at me weird, or avoid me... or something worse. And I'm a bit unclear about my boundaries there so until I have more clarity on these sensitive spots I'll continue being a tad cautious I guess.

I also carry shame around my mothering and it's very difficult for me to admit some of the ways I've failed as a mother, some of the ugliness I've engaged in at the expense of my children. Not that I feel the need to confess my mothering sins to the world at large but sometimes I feel inauthentic when discussing children stories with women who took on their mothering role with much more grace, surrender, and emotional maturity than I.

Some of this I'm fairly good at though and I've been diligently working on how to "not edit" myself gracefully. How to not bend, not water myself down for another's benefit. Just telling my truth and saying it like I see it, like I am. I've currently been practicing what I'm calling "a holding on to self while allowing space for another."

I want to follow my most intense obsession mercilessly. I want to feel my passion and not tuck it safely away where I and others won't feel threatened by it. I believe I've done this in some areas of my life. Polyamory for instance. Just ask my husband. I've refused to edit my soul for the fashionable social construct of monogamy. I've refused to forsake love for fear and comfort masquerading as love.

So now, my horoscope for the week--to follow my most intense obsessions mercilessly.

What are my most intense obsessions right now? Writing this blog. Loving more. Telling the truth. I asked Jerry what he thought my most intense obsession was right now and he said "Being authentic."

And what does "to follow them mercilessly" mean? To follow relentlessly?

Humm...