Polyamory Versus "Free Love"

Regarding a recent article I had published in a local paper, I’ve received lots of interesting feedback along with several admonitions along these lines: “Oh, I tried the free love thing back in the 60’s and 70’s when I was young and idealistic. Been there, done that, and believe me, it doesn’t work. It’s a bunch of heartache for all concerned.” I usually just smile and knowingly nod my head as I listen to folks share their opinion of a common experience. But sometimes they are looking for more input and are seeking to understand how polyamory might work better than their past experience of it. Sometimes they inquire as to if I’ve actually seen any successful poly relationships and when I tell them that yes, indeed I have, they are curious as to the “magic” ingredient. There is no singular recipe for practicing polyamory successfully but the most significant characteristics I’ve observed in the participants are emotional maturity; the desire for self-awareness coupled with acquiring the skills to actually know and responsibly be with one’s self/emotions/desires; and good communication skills.

Many folks jumped into the free-love idealism of the 60’s and 70’s with all its sweetness and Utopian fantasies without giving much consideration to their own or their partner’s emotional maturity and level of communication skills. And although there was often no lack of desire for self-awareness, the amount of practice devoted to the actuality of knowing the self was often minimal. Many from the baby boomer generation denounced the structure of their parents’ lifestyle without a stable one of their own to replace it. The peaceful lives of freedom we imagined we were creating were often spurious. A significant number of us found ourselves in holes that were difficult and painful to crawl out of. Manifold attempts at polyamorous relationships failed, leaving the participants cynical and doubting the possibility of loving more than one in long-term, sustainable partnerships. I’m not interested in arguing with these folks about the merits of polyamory because I think monogamy is a fine choice for some, probably for most. It’s the cultural norm of our society and certainly a valid preference. But polyamory is another option that is better suited for some and I find it unfortunate that many people who once resonated with the potential of loving more and fearing less, have chosen to throw the baby out with the bath water.

But if one can’t practically apply a seemingly idealistic notion into their daily life, what’s the point? From what I’ve seen, polyamory takes a lot of work and is better left alone by those who prefer an uncomplicated love life. The cost/benefit factor of this relationship style needs to be considered with earnest intent as polyamory isn’t “free love”. The greater our freedoms, the more encompassing our responsibilities. Polyamory is about commitment to “right” love and it’s not something to be entered into lightly. But for the adventurous souls who yearn for more variety in their love lives, who seek the liberty to love more and follow an unconventional model for creating relationship and understanding self through others, polyamory is a powerful choice. Daphne Rose Kingma, in The Future of Love says, “We are always creating and re-creating ourselves through our relationships. We discover who we are, become more of ourselves, get better or worse, fatter or thinner, more spiritually conscious or more thuddingly unaware through them. It is through our connections with others that we continue to meet ourselves and, over time, develop to our fullest.”

Conversations with the “poly inclined” as well as the “poly wary” always lead to a discussion on compersion, which is a word that hasn’t made it into the dictionary yet but soon will. Compersion is the opposite of jealousy. It is the warm, happy feeling experienced when one notices their lover enjoying a loving relationship with another. In one of Eric Francis’ articles, A Crazy Little Thing Called... he wrote, “But for some people it’s totally natural. There are those who are not the “jealous type,” and then there are those who just love love, no matter whose it is. We all know it’s possible. We may have an idea of how good it would feel to dissolve into the safety, freedom and unconditional acceptance of our lovers and all that they are, including the other people that they may love, and how great it would feel to let them experience all that we are, including the other people we may love.” Then there are those who are the “jealous types.” We all have a place on this continuum to a greater or lesser degree. For those who tend to experience greater levels of jealously and lean towards the desire to possess their partner’s affections, the challenge to successfully practice polyamory can be great but not impossible. Compersion and jealousy are both normal emotions that manifest in various degrees depending to some extent on social conditioning. For those whom compersion is not a strong natural response, it can be learned. Practice, patience and a commitment to love can transform jealousy into compersion. It can be an incredible exercise in self understanding for people who consciously choose this relationship style in the development of their spiritual and sexual selves.