When I arrived at Origin for the 4th of July, 2005, Dyad Contemplation, the emerald green pond of my vision greeted me in physical form. Osha had the fountain flowing in the middle of the pond and the effect was welcoming. I felt like I had arrived home.
I was physically exhausted from working all day and then making the long drive up into the mountains. There was lots of commotion in the evening with people arriving late and getting settled in. Rick and Yeshe were monitoring and although they took good care of me, I was worn thin, emotionally and physically and I yearned for the peace found in the sweet oblivion of sleep. It was a long time coming.
This was my second Enlightenment Intensive and I had chosen to work on the question, Who Am I? once again. But by the evening of the first day, I was still unable to connect with this question so I spoke with Erik, who was mastering the Intensive, about changing my question to What is Another? and he agreed. Things picked up after that.
Even so, I struggled throughout the Intensive. I felt drawn out. I was bleeding and weak. I missed Jerry and could barely stand being separated from him. This was a four day intensive and it felt like four long weeks that were dragging by. Everyday I imagined sneaking the phone and calling him. I yearned for his voice, his touch, his love. I felt alone and abandoned, and that it was all my own doing as I had abandoned him. I feared losing him and imagined grieving and how lonely my life would be without him. But there I was, so I contemplated. I shared with Another whatever came up for me in contemplation. I persevered.
I continued contemplating and became fed up with the roles I played for others...wife, mother, daughter, friend. I felt stuck. Trapped. Boxed in. And I wanted out! I wanted my freedom. I experienced profound resistance to these roles until I realized that it wasn't the roles that trapped me, but rather, other's interpretation of those roles. I felt defined by others as I understood that the meaning of the roles were mine to make. The cost of my freedom was taking ownership of my roles and defining them on my own terms.
During one contemplation I found myself sitting inside a tiny box and I and realized that the box didn't trap me, that my own mind was my cage. So I changed my mind and allowed the box to grow. It grew larger and larger and I realized that the box could be large or small at my bidding. I expanded the box to contain the whole universe and then I shrunk it small again to keep me warm and safe for when I was feeling vulnerable. I was comforted by my control of the box. Then I saw a ladder in the box and I climbed it--the ladder was my means of exit from the box. When I got to the top I looked over the edge and saw my pond, the water of my life, below, beckoning me to jump in. And then I noticed that my box had windows and doors and I just had to laugh at myself at that point.
The morning of the fourth day I awoke with a sense of freedom. I was exhilarated. During walking contemplation, as I strolled around the pond, I came to know Another as both everything and nothing simultaneously. It was the 4th of July, and I was free.
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