Dyad Communication at Origin 2006

Ren, one of my best friends and my husband, Jerry and I arrived at Origin, a retreat center in the mountains at 6,000 feet elevation for the annual 4th of July weekend Dyad Communication Intensive. The car had broken down in a little town at the top of our spectacular drive through the canyon. It was a simple 2 hour delay, we only needed a battery which we were able to purchase and get installed just before everything closed down for the evening. I thought I had handled the whole delay/detour fairly well without any glitches in my emotional demeanor until we entered the peaceful vibe of the retreat center and the energy there came up and met mine. I was a bit high strung. We eat dinner and chatted with the other participants and then settled in for the evening talk. We retired early to our sleeping loft and fell asleep, preparing ourselves for the arduous work ahead.

The traditional schedule for this intensive was tweaked a little. The morning bell rang at 6:10 rather than 6:00 and we were allowed 20 rather than 15 minutes to ready ourselves for the morning dyad. There was an extra 15 minute exercise period in the afternoon and in the evening we had a "contact meditation" of gazing into your partner's eyes.

This was my fifth Intensive and the first one that I didn't experience a breakthrough into enlightenment. My question/koan was "Who Am I?", offered in the form of "Tell Me Who You Are". I didn't feel very connected to my question and actually wanted to work on "What Is My True Purpose?", but decided that both questions ultimately meant the same thing and so I stuck with the more traditional of the two. Maybe that decision influenced the fact that I didn't experience a breakthrough.

I wasn't contemplating well but that is often the case. I fell into my familiar pattern of getting anxious when nothing comes up quickly enough within the short time allowed for each contemplation. As a result of this anxiousness I tend to start searching for a thought that is applicable, grasp onto it, and then devise something to share with my partner. This, rather than simply intending to experience the truth and remaining open to directly experiencing who I am. Why it is so difficult for me to just sit there and contemplate? I suppose that I don't I trust my ability to truly contemplate and allow the truth to reveal itself to me. I also think I have this need to present something impressive to Another and feel like I'm a bad dyad partner if I don't offer up something juicy.

I was struggling to complete each 40 minute cycle, secretly waiting for the bell to ring and relieve me. All the sitting at Intensives can be physically challenging but this time it felt like pure torture. My back and hips hurt so bad I was eating 4 or 5 ibuprofen twice a day. I've never resorted to this on an Intensive before. I was also overcome with an incredible feeling of fatigue. During the working contemplations I hauled cut willow branches from the creek and my legs moved like lead. I'd be out of breath after simply climbing the stairs up to the second floor and then into my loft.

All the same, some good stuff came up for me. The theme of my contemplation seemed to be based around being in service to my life. The chapters might read like this: Being In Service To The Moment; Accepting The Moment As The Portal to Self; Meeting The Issues Of My Life As They Are Handed To Me; Accepting What The Moment Offers; Who Says Being In A Hole Is A Bad Thing?; Stop Judging; The Choices Of The Past Don't Matter; Regrets, So What?; Growing Old Is Not a Lost of Opportunity. You get the picture. Lots of insight on issues around my kids, my mom and my financial situation.

Many dyads left me feeling somewhat flat and disconnected but I enjoyed the gazing, connection and full body orgasms I experienced in one dyad. The gazing with Another in one was sweet and deep. In another we made each other smile and laugh a bit. I think I pushed one particular participant's buttons and we seemed to be avoiding each other. I felt intimated by what I sensed as hostility and resistance towards me. And then a softening seemed to occur...This is all my own perception and projection of course. Who knows what may have actually been occurring in Another

The afternoon talk on Sunday, the last day of the Intensive got me all cranky and pissy feeling. I was annoyed that after one participant shared that she was feeling sorry for herself, several of the other participants gave her an incredible amount of energy that seemed to be offered in an attempt to "fix" her feelings. I felt very unkind (upon reflection of course I discovered that I was holding on to my own valuable advice that would have "fixed" her). Then we were told that we would be having the regular working contemplation that is usually deleted from the schedule on the last day. I was feeling very lazy and had been looking forward to not working. Then someone requested that we have a dyad communication in place of the silent meditation/contemplation and that was agreed on by the majority. To top it off, someone then suggested that we forgo our rest period for yet another dyad communication. That was voted down but the space was made available for those who did choose to participate in the extra dyad session. The dyad space was right below my loft and that meant that my quiet resting space was "stolen". My ego was up big and making a fuss, making meaning that others were WRONG and in their wrongness, were victimizing me. Simple as that. But by the end of the talk, the working contemplations were actually rescheduled and shortened for most people. My job was eliminated altogether and I was given the opportunity to help fold laundry. That calmed my ego just a bit and that's a good thing because I was considering revolting and refusing to do the working contemplation altogether! I like to think of myself as a rebel of sorts but I probably wouldn't have followed through. That kind of attention embarrasses me and I'm pretty attached to being liked and thought well of.

We had a five minute break and then partnered up for the next dyad. It was great and the 40 minutes just whizzed by. I shared all the unkind, cranky, pissy, bitchiness that I had devolved into when the afternoon talk had not gone my way. I contemplated and shared. Another contemplated and shared. We connected. I felt calm and loving with my ego tucked back on the shelf when the bell rang that ended the dyad. My next dyad was nice as well and then it was time for snack, working contemplation and rest. I had a little fruit and then folded some laundry which took all of 10 minutes from the usual 45 minute to 1 hour period. Before the afternoon talk had ended I devised a scheme to take the rest period to my car. I was going to bring my pillow, lay the seat back, roll down the windows and let the breeze blow through. Once my plan to create a quiet, private, resting space of my own was in place, my bruised ego felt soothed. I shared my plan with Jerry over snack and we arranged to rest in the car together. His working contemplation took longer than mine and the dyad session below hadn't started yet so I just rested in the loft and waited for him. I actually fell asleep and then he came and laid with me for awhile. When the dyad session actually started up below I realized I was at peace with no need to retreat to my car. Oh, the stories my ego tells, trying desperately to pull me right down into my self-righteous gutter of indignation.

After resting contemplation, Jerry and I partnered for the last dyad of the Intensive. Couples are encouraged to not work together during the Intensive but they traditionally save this last "dance" for each other. During the closing talk everyone appreciated one another for all the hard work. We honored Osha for mastering the Intensive, the monitors for keeping us on track and taking care of us, and also our cook who kept us fed. We shared dinner with chatter, jokes and laughter, in contrast to the silence of the previous eating contemplations.

Ren and I showered and hottubbed with a couple of the men, relaxing our sore and weary bodies while sharing personal stories about our lives. Jerry got pulled into a music/dance circle to drum. He later joined us for a soak and then we returned to the music making and dance. We retired fairly early as we were exhausted, the three of us sleeping together, entwined.

In the morning we cuddled more and chatted. I was happy to be experiencing the closeness our triad shares. I loved them both so much and was so pleased as I gazed at the satisfied smile on Ren's face as she rested in my husband's arms.

We shared tea and coffee with some of the other participants who had also spent the night. The energy was sweet, loving and connecting. We learned a bit more about each other's lives, the kind of details that don't come up in the dyads. Jerry rowed me around the pond in the canoe. We gave our last hugs to our hostess and headed home. I felt my altered state of consciousness as I we drove home, back down through the canyon, awed at the beautiful huge rocks.

We've been home for seven hours now. I've mopped the kitchen floor, and walked downtown to my office to meet with a client who didn't show up. We ate dinner at our favorite Thai restaurant. I've been dealing with some intense painful energy in my solar plexus. I feel really open and sensitive to all the energy out here in the default world. Jerry just told me that he's experiencing the same sort of thing.

We watched a hilariously funny TV show and then Jerry and Ren walked downtown to get ice cream while I stayed to finish my post here.