A Perpetual Feedback Loop

I was a major control freak a good portion of my adult life. I became more and more aware of this tendency when I was in relationship with my youngest son's father. He was a total control freak too.

I was a very controlling mother. I had these strong ideas and beliefs about life in general and motherhood specifically. I thought it was my job to teach my children how to be in the world and to make sure they followed suit. Strong minded and willful kids that they were, there was a lot of head butting going on in our home.

I've been diligently working to release my pathological need to control others (children, partner, family, friends, various relationships and life situations) for many years now, with more and more conscious awareness during the last 14 years, while in relationship with my sweet husband, Jerry.

My perceived need to control arises from fear. I had a a lot of scary things happen in my childhood and I had been taught well by the controlling adults in my life. My childhood was one where it was unsafe to be authentic and tell the truth. I perceived myself as a victim of others, those in my own family as well as my community at large. I wanted what I wanted from life and the only way I saw that happening was if I could control others and anyway that I could weasel myself into a situation and cause some effect, hopefully in my favor, I went for it. Of course, I did most of this unconsciously--I didn't realize I was trying to control others.

I was always a very spiritually minded person, always seeking guidance from above, below, within, without. I wanted the truth and I struggled to see a glimpse, hear a whisper, feel a divine touch. But ultimately, I was out of control, or I should say, my ego was in control and it constantly made up stories that scared me and whipped me into submission. Submission to my ego means, Fight for your life! Get on top! Hold your place! You must be in control at all cost!

As the years went by, I started learning the art of non-resistance, the grace of letting go and releasing the illusion of control. It's been quite the journey.

Here's an excerpt from a little book called Compersion by Deborah Taj Anapol--

Jealousy and Control

Jealousy often masks a fear of losing control. Jealousy can be both a strategy for controlling your beloved and a reaction to your failure to maintain control. Ego wants to be in charge so he can feel safe. Ego finds it hard to believe that the only real safety lies in giving up control to Higher Self, to the Soul, to the Tao, to God/Goddess, to the Mother of us all. So jealousy comes to bring your fear to the surface. What a gift.

Do not make the mistake of entering into a power struggle with your beloved. Instead, use this opportunity to see how your controlling nature keeps you from knowing who you really are.

Seek the balance point by communicating your truth and asking for what you want. Be willing to accept "no" for an answer. Trust your inner guidance to show you another path if the one you are on turns impossible rocky. Release control and you will be given what you truly need. No matter if it doesn't look like what you think you want.

I notice, that the more I allow myself to feel my fear and then communicate it, it releases. I know I am receiving what I truly need and one thing I'm noticing is that what I need keeps evolving more and more into what I want and vice versa. It's a perpetual feedback loop. Releasing fear releases the need to control and increases the love I experience in my life.