Thursday, June 19, 2008

Hope Springs Eternal

I had a short conversation today with a friend about hope.
A couple of days ago I told her that hope springs eternal.
I was talking about her in regards to something she hopes to receive.
I said it a bit facetiously, like hope was a bad thing.
I guess that I really don't want to hope.
I want to accept things as they are.
It feels like a Buddhist stance.
I'm OK wanting.
I'm OK with being open to possibilities.
I'm OK with imagining want I want, not obsessing, but mulling it over a bit.
I'm OK with putting it out to the universe as a mild sort of request.
Sorta like, hey, if it's not too much trouble, this is what I'd like.
Think about it will ya? Keep it in mind.
Mull it over but don' bend over backwards to get this for me because,
well, hey, I know that in the big scheme of things,
everything is already perfect and I don't want to mess
with the universal flow or anything.
I mean, I'm willing and all,
and I'd actually really like to get what I want,
but then, maybe I don't really know what's best for me
and maybe I only think I want this
and in reality what I need is something else.
And maybe getting that will pull me off my true path,
or cause me unforeseen grief.
I know my perception is limited sometimes.
I don't always see the big picture.
So, lets say that you'll consider it if it's worth considering
and if it's in my best interest,
then you'll let it flow baby, you'll let it flow.
I trust you'll do what's right for me
and I'm open to whatever that is, so bring it on.
Now. I'm ready.
Yeah, something about hoping just feels too pushy.
Am I afraid of hoping?
Well, let me consider this...
It's not that I'm afraid of hoping.
But hope and fear are intimately connected.
If I make the choice to hope,
I simultaneously make the choice to fear.
It's not a choice of either or, it's both.
Always both.
Hoping I'll get something, fearing I won't.
I don't want to hope for something to be different than it is.
I might want it to be different.
But that's different than hoping it will be different.
I want for change to occur naturally and I hope to meet my moments.
It feels safe to hope for what's good and just in the world.
To hope small, in the macrobiotic sense
where the little affects the big.
I hope that generally speaking,
I will conduct myself in truth and love and compassion.
That I will be a true friend. A loving daughter and mother.
A conscientious wife and lover.
I hope that I will stay on track with my personal integrity
and that I'll never give up on expanding my awareness.
I hope that I will continue to grow and understand myself,
and life, and others better.
But to hope more specifically seems desperate somehow.
Hoping to have my needs met by some particular strategy seems limiting,
and stuck, and trapped, and stupid,
and reaching beyond my capacity to produce.
Like trying to push the tide.
I can't do that...oh wait, I can do that.
And I've learned that I don't want to do that.
I know I have enormous strength in my tenacity.
It's quite a ferocious power.
I know I can often get what I want by diligent pursuit.
By willfulness.
But this defeats my purpose.
If often backfires and burns me.
I desire to receive by simply being open to the myriad possibilities.
I desire to be pursued by that which desires to pursue me.
The what I want that wants me too.
I desire to receive life's bounties in each and every moment
and to never kick a gift horse in the mouth.

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