Saturday, November 15, 2008

Sexy Lingerie

My friend Molly turned 50 years old today and I was thinking about her all day. It's late Saturday night now and I've just returned from her birthday party where we were supposed to dress up as that part of our authentic selves that we want to express more fully.

It was a very sweet but intense day that started off with a love making session with my beloved. I so enjoy the way Saturday mornings afford leisurely time in bed. Afterwards we dressed and headed out the back door for the farmer's market and my friend Bobbi's coffee cart. Another of my favorite Saturday morning activities is drinking coffee and connecting with friends at the market. Today was an extra blessing with the warm Indian Summer weather sharing the beautiful fall colors of leaves dancing at the whim of the wind.

At 10:30 I met Pema at the downtown city plaza for a protest rally/march for proposition 8. There was a nice turn out of city officials and townsfolk and the sharing of compelling and inspiring stories. Around 12:00 we started our march, weaving through the streets of downtown Chico. When cars would beep their horns in support I would raise my fist in the air in solidarity. Somewhere between 3rd and 2nd street it happened. The horn honked, I raised my fist in response and looked in the direction of the vehicle and there he was, my lover who is not my lover. I saw his face, smiling in support as he honked and drove by in his truck and noticed my reaction to immediately look away. I didn't mean to look away, I just did. It shocked my system, seeing him like that after so long. I told Pema, "There is my lover who is not my lover, in that truck." " Yes, I saw him too" she said, "Are you okay?" "Sure, I'm fine." I said, but after a couple of blocks I realized how intense it was for me. I felt like I'd been emotionally whacked (I have been). She squeezed me knowingly.

We marched on and eventually ended up back in the park for more speeches and such. We were sitting on the park bench chatting when unexpectedly, my lover who is my lover showed up. He stayed just briefly for a quick hello. It was sweet to see him but he was in the midst of a treasure hunt of sorts and preoccupied. No matter as I was enjoying my time relaxing in the sun with Pema but I was happy when he called me afterwards to connect. Little gestures can mean a lot.

Pema and I parted ways and then Jerry and I hooked up for some lunch and headed out to shop for a birthday present for our youngest grandchild who just turned two. While shopping I realized that the part of me who was going to the party tonight wanted to express herself via more sexy lingerie along with the cowboy boots I've been wearing a lot since Burningman. It was a great idea but I couldn't find anything new that I liked (never fear, I will be in San Francisco tomorrow!).

Every once in awhile throughout the day, I'd think of my lover who is not my lover, seeing his sweet face that always melts my heart and my eyes would brim with tears. But I was preoccupied with Jerry and hunting for lingerie so I'd move on to other thoughts. But when I finally settled down at the party tonight, thoughts and feelings of him came flooding in and coalesced with the my day--Molly's 50th birthday, this phase of my life with lingerie and cowboy boots, my husband, my lover who is my lover. I thought of Molly's 50th birthday and the adventure she is about to embark on--along with my 50th birthday and the adventures that I've been embarking on since I turned 50 a little over 4 years ago. I met my lover who is not my lover right before my 50th birthday and it was love at first sight. I invited him to my birthday dinner along with Pema, Ren, Jerry and I. What a night that was! What the last 4 years have been for me! And lover who is not my lover has been significant piece of my awareness of self, truth, freedom and love. I've called him my Anam Cara, my soul friend, my forever friend, and that's truly how much he means to me. Whatever the truth is for him, I suppose I don't really have much of a clue. I only know what he has told me and what his actions have been. I combine those things and make my stories but I know that they are only my stories.

There were 21 women at Molly's party. Each one of us stood up and shared about our lives, what was up for each of us currently and what we are intending to move into. Lots of emotionally moving and vulnerable stuff was shared.

C. was dressed in a sexy red dress with her breasts overflowing out of the black bra that attempted to contain them. She told us her fantasy of leaving the party and heading to a bar where her husband would come and meet up with her, pretending they had never met. He would seduce her and then take her home and fuck her. We encouraged her to play out her fantasy but she said he would never comply. I whispered to Pema and Randy how sad that made me. Here, this voluptuous and sexy woman, wanting to stir up some passion in her marriage, believed her husband would have no interest in her fantasy.

J. in menopause, talked about the malady of losing her mind and how much she missed it. "I had such a great mind!" she said. We all laughed knowingly at her chagrin. It's either laugh or cry with this growing old business and often it's both. We've all been losing our minds and pray that what those who have gone before us tell us is true, that our minds will eventually return to us. J. also shared how strong her intuition has become and how much she depends on it now that her mind is so undependable. We all nodded, affirming our understanding of that sacred wisdom.

Pema was glowing and beautiful and she made me cry as she shared her stuff, raw to the bone, encompassing all of her heart. It was powerful and sweet and tender.

And I shared of course about the woman who likes wearing lingerie and cowboy boots, my husband who is my lover, my lover who is my lover, and my lover who is not my lover. The three men in my life that I love, and what that all means to me right now.

One thing that was special and interesting to me was that I did not know the majority of these women. I was close friends with only 3 of them and knew half a dozen of the others only minimally. The rest were virtual strangers, friends I don't know yet. And yet we opened up to one another in honestly, baring our souls. Afterwards, several woman came up and hugged me, profusely thanking me for sharing about my life. Our conversations about love and relationships, sex, freedom and self expression continued throughout the night.

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