Wednesday, November 5, 2008

My Lover Who Is Not My Lover

Yesterday I was anxious all day while working out at the college. The sun was shining and I wanted to be outside, dancing in the streets. I just knew Obama was going to win the presidential election and yet, what if he didn't? I was antsy and wanted to move. I hadn't voted yet either and was chopping at the bit to cast my ballot. I knew there was a good chance that Obama's projected win would probably be announced before California's results had even come in but it was important to me just the same. Plus, besides the vote for our own sweet city's council members, I was concerned about Proposition 8. That one scared me and damn those results. The people have spoken! Well I just wish they would shut up on this one. I'm really annoyed.

Jerry and I walked over to the little church in our neighborhood around 5:00 to cast our votes. He choose the paper ballot but I went for the electronic one. I was happy to see the actual little printout that showed Barack Obama's name and clearly spelled out along with all of my other choices. Then we walked downtown and had a bowl of soup for dinner before going back home watch the election results on t.v. as the polls closed and the electoral votes came in. It was pretty damn exciting, being there watching, participating in this monumental time of history being made. I get the chills just thinking about it. An African American man and his family are moving into the White House folks. This is really big. Yes We Can! I have to say that I was feeling pretty damn proud to be an American last night. Well, maybe I was just more relieved to not be ashamed of that status. We had a chance to do something big and by golly we did it. But as Obama made very clear in his acceptance speech last night, this is only the beginning. But what a powerful beginning/symbolism it is. Makes me very happy, happy, happy. But with Proposition 8 passing I have to say I feel really let down by my fellow Californians. Oh well, I don't really tend to personally identify (meaning, it's not who and what I am) with all this political stuff but just the same, it feels like a really big deal right now in how all of our lives have been, and will be, affected. George W. Bush really wiped us out.

It felt really warm and special to be sitting there with my sweet husband, all cuddled up on the couch holding hands and for a good while I laid my head on his lap while he massaged my neck. When the projection for Obama's victory was announced it was a wonderful feeling and I was pretty overcome with community spirit as we sent and received texts and phone calls from family and friends to share in the excitement. I thought of my lover who is not my lover, my sweet friend who has disappeared from my life once again, choosing to distance himself from our relationship with no words of explanation and I felt my inclination to text or phone him to share in the moment. But I didn't of course, he's doing his thing and part of that is creating separation from me so I'm respecting that the best I can. It gives me twinge of sadness though--5 months and no communication whatsoever. It's rather unconscionable if you ask me but I'm attempting to be humble about it. Not too snide and glib. I don't know what's going on inside of him but it must be fairly weird for him to behave in this manner. Well anyway, my twinge of sadness is certainly better than being inundated with grief. I guess I've got that pain buried fairly well at the moment. But I've paid him my dues--visited that grave site many times and left many bouquets of flowers, and if it happens that he resurrects from the dead at some point, well we'll have the opportunity to do whatever it is that we still have to do together. I have so many other things to focus on in my life, including a new lover that I enjoy occupying my mind (for one thing) with, I've grown weary of belabouring this loss of my lover who is not my lover. The loss and pain is real, I'm not denying it but there is nothing for me to do with it but just let it be...and talk about him a little when he comes up for me. I love him. I always will. I have no doubt about that. Plus I'm angry as hell at him. And my feelings are deeply hurt.

Just the same, I feel good today, really good, exceptionally well thank you very much.

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