Monday, July 18, 2011

Old Lazy Days

I've been awake for way too many hours already--tossing and turning for half the night in a half sleep, disturbed by thoughts that I am dying of cancer.  WTF?!  I don't do this.  This is so not me.

Another friend died a few days ago and only 4 weeks after he was diagnosed with colon cancer.

My mama is dying.  I know I keep saying this but she is still dying.  The living part isn't so great these days but there are moments of sweetness that I'm clinging to.  I was just talking with a friend who lost her mother recently and she said that even though it's difficult, it's also very life affirming.  I get that.  It feels like I'm preparing for a birth.

Another river of tears this morning.  Grief has gotten a grip on my insides.  So much loss everywhere I turn.  What is wrong with me?  Why am I judging all this loss so harshly?  Why am I judging myself so harshly?  I'm feeling so worthless.  Pathetic is a good word to describe myself right now.

An old friend visited yesterday and it made me sad.  He's not a friend any longer.  I felt the loss.  I used to care so much about him.

My lover doesn't want me (as his lover) anymore.

There is a hole in my life where my juicy women were.

I miss the old lazy days of lounging with my girlfriends and yakking incessantly.  Girlfriends who didn't care about my worth, only my heart and loved me in spite of my foibles...and defects that weren't so slight.

Maybe I don't really miss those days.

But my defects are definitely looming larger than foibles.

On a brighter note, I'm cleaning out the motorhome and got the refrigerator all sparkling clean and cold.  Preparing for Burning Man feels good.

I need my best friend to come and stay with me for several long lazy days of yakking incessantly and loving me in spite of my large looming defects.

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