I'm experiencing a lot of freedom today. And I love my freedom. Certainly, I still have many chains that bind me to the illusion of pain and suffering but dang, my wings have taken flight, once again. I am still sad and disappointed over what has transpired between K. and I, but we are processing through it and I'm a lot clearer than I was a few days ago. Plus I'm not taking things so personally in regards to what is up for him cause ya know, we all have our issues and he's working through his just like I'm working through mine. Just like we all are. I totally support his process even if I don't necessarily like or agree with the way he chose to present this to me. But I know he did the best he could, that it wasn't an easy thing for him to do, and that he didn't want, doesn't want, to hurt me. I know he loves me. And I love him. Love is good.
The bottom line is that I am so glad that this all transpired just the way it has and I know there are many more chapters of this story. Also, I've been hovering of the brink of the abyss for awhile now and K., simply gave me the push I needed to take a great and fucking scary fall into myself. And I thank him for that. I think about the only other thing I'm going to say here right now is that K. is not having an issue with perceiving me being old, fat, and smelling bad. Ha. Praise the good lord for that! Always sweet music for a girl's ears. ;) If that was his issue I'd just have to say fuck him and move on...well after I had another good long cry of course.
I think I will try to describe what's going on for us, for me, in regards to all of this, by sharing some quotes from When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. In regards to allowing myself to fully experience my emotions:
When things fall apart and we're on the verge of we know not what, the test of each of us is to stay on that brink and not concretize. The spiritual journey is not about heaven and finally getting to a place that's really swell.
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.
Nevertheless, when the bottom falls out and we can't find anything to grasp, it hurts a lot...Love of the truth puts you on the spot. We might have some romantic view of what that means, but when we are nailed with the truth, we suffer. We look in the bathroom mirror, and there we are with our pimples, our aging face, our lack of kindness, our aggression and timidity--all that stuff.
How we stay in the middle between indulging and repressing is by acknowledging whatever arises without judgment, letting the thoughts simply dissolve, and then going back to the openness of this very moment. That's what we're actually doing in meditation. Up come all these thoughts, but rather than squelch them or obsess with them, we acknowledge them and let them go.
After a while, that's how we relate with hope and fear in our daily lives. Out of nowhere, we stop struggling and relax. We stop talking to ourselves and come back to the freshness of the present moment.
So yea, anyway, continuing my practice of staying in the freshness of the present moment. Acknowledging my hopes and fears in regard to K., and moving on in this beautiful dance of freedom.
Happy Freedom Day everyone!!!