My HeartSong Into Polyamory

I first learned about polyamory back in 1985. I was still married to my second husband, the father my four middle children. We had been separated for awhile and although he had hopes of getting back together, by this time, I knew I was done. I had always been monogamous in my relationships up until that point in my life and hadn't experienced another lover besides him since 1973. I was eighteen years old when we met, he was ten years my senior, and was married with three children.

I had been studying herbs for years and Back to Eden by Jethro Kloss had been like my bible while raising my five children who were ages three through fourteen at this time. I had been dabbling into midwifery for years, having my babies at home and attending the births of friends. But now I was serious and apprenticing with two new friends who were partner midwifes. I was interested in expanding my knowledge in regards to using herbs during pregnancy and birth and had plans to attend a three day herbal retreat, at Breitenbush Hot Springs, in Oregon. Many renowned herbalists of that time (Susun Weed, and Ed "Herbal Ed" Smith, from the Herb Pharm most readily come to mind) where presenting and I was very excited.

I was also excited because this trip marked a turning point in my life. I planned on consummating my status as a single, sexual woman, who was in charge of her own life. I needed a new lover who would help me fulfill this ritual and I knew he would be at Breitenbush. All I needed to do was to show up. I was thirty-one years old with five children. My husband, obviously oblivious of my plan to extricate myself from the shackles of my marriage, was on his best behavior, trying to win my favor, agreed to watch the children while I went gallivanting off.
I had arranged to carpool with two women from the bay area who were driving through Chico. They turned out to be wild women, intoxicated on the herbal elixirs they were constanting sipping on, and were just the influence I needed. And we were off on a fabulous adventure. We arrived just before dinner and parked the car. As I gathered my belongings and made my way from the parking lot to my camping space I noticed a man sitting on a wooden fence, playing his guitar. He was singing a love song and I knew it was him, my would be lover. But as he didn't meet the physical characteristics I had envisioned, my mind said "no", and I continued on my way.

The presentations at the retreat met all of my expectations and more. It was the last night before we headed home and I went to soak in the community hot-tub which was fed by the springs, when the guitar playing man re-appeared. He got into the tub next to me, introduced himself as Harold, and that was that. We got to know one another, chatting and allowing our bodies to occasionally touch until finally we kissed. We soaked in the hot water until we were as shriveled as prunes and then dressed and went for a hike. We sat on a log, over a creek talking for hours.

Harold offered me my first glimpse into polyamory. He had been a part of a married quad. He and his girlfriend had met another couple and they all fell in love with each other. Both the men as well as the women were bi-sexual so the sexual relationships within their quad ran every which way so they did a lot of bed hopping. Harold's original girlfriend got pregnant and no one knew who the biological father was until the baby was born. The physical characteristics revealed the obvious. This was Harold's child. Eventually the quad split up and the couples switched from their original partners and went their separate ways. The baby went with the biological mom and the other dad. They all remained friends. I was intrigued.

It was extremely dark when we decided we should try to make our way back, and we realized we were lost. We wandered in the woods and eventually we found our way to Harold's tent where we spend the night together and made love. Harold was leaving the retreat fairly early the next morning. He packed up and we exchanged addresses and phone numbers and headed for the big community ritual that was already taking place. Brant Secunda, a Huichol Indian shaman, was hosting a Dance of the Deer celebration. I remember the intense heat of the fire and dancing around and around as I had never danced before. I was in a trance and my status as a single, sexual woman, in charge of her own life, was consummated. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect gift from the universe.

I returned home and officially ended my marriage with my husband. He didn't handle it well and I received many middle of the night phone calls with him threatening suicide. It was heart wrenching. I would tell him to please not hurt himself, to think of our children as they needed their father, and that I loved him and knew he would get through it. I hoped I was right. I was.

There was no Internet back in those days but I was still able to find bits and pieces about polyamory here and there. I discovered Loving More Magazine and ordered some of their back-issues. I was enthralled. I loved the concept. This was the highest form of human love that I could imagine. Opening one's heart and mind to loving another so much that you willingly released the need to possess their affections and rather than buying into jealousy, you actually shared in the love experience of your lover loving another in something that was called compersion.

I waited a couple of weeks and then wrote Harold a letter. It was a love letter of sorts with the intent of just letting him know how happy I was to have met him and to have him as a new friend in my life. My experience at Breitenbush was powerful and transformative and he had been a big part of it. I wanted so much to sign my letter, "I love you, Adrienne." But I just couldn't bring myself to do so. I was too afraid. Afraid that uttering those three words, I-love-you, would infer too much. I was mostly afraid of the vulnerability it invoked by exposing my heart to him. By admitting to this man who I had met only once, that I loved him felt too risky. I was afraid of setting myself up for rejection. And I had no interest in pursuing a relationship with him beyond friendship. I felt a desire to keep in contact to him, to see him again and to explore more with him as a lover, but otherwise I felt no attachment for one thing or another to happen with him. I was totally open to just allowing the relationship to evolve as it naturally would. I signed the letter, "Love, Adrienne" which felt more innocuous.

He returned my letter with a beautiful love letter of his own and he signed his, "I love you, Harold." I was both elated and ashamed. I had failed to trust, to follow my heart. I had allowed my fear of rejection to overpower my Truth which could have been spoken so simply in those three words,
I love you.

I whole new world developed within my imagination. And then life as I knew it (sexual monogamy) went on.

To be continued.