House of Cards

At times, my lack of ability to accept other's choices astounds me. And it's not just other people I have problems with. Life circumstances in general often tend to annoy me. It seems as if I were groomed to resist the truth of what is. Talk about a lean, mean resisting machine, that's me. I wonder how this happened? Is it simply an innate part of my nature to balk at my existence, to discern myself as affronted by life? Was I born a resister as a natural response to the human condition or was I taught to react this way? I take such a contrary stance to life, defending myself, judging most everything as good or bad, usually as something to guard against. I too rarely welcome the moment, invite it in, greet it with a countenance of acceptance.

Why am I this way? Did I just get fed up with others forcing their agendas on me and choose to rebel? Has the chaotic heaviness of this physical life unbalanced me? Am I overly sensitized and just doing a plain lousy job at this *blended being gig?

Sometimes I experience myself being inundated by life, as if a tsunami is crashing upon my head. My existence is like a house of cards that can be blown to smithereens by a gentle breeze that I take as a hurricane wind. This belief creates lots of anxiety for me, makes me fearful and edgy, leery of others as if their choices can and will destroy me.

I am trapped in my body, mind, and ego, feeling insecure, desperate, worried, confused, numb. No, I don't feel anything really. These emotions arise within this vessel I identify with as self but is not me. I'm shackled to this life, these people, these eyes that compel me to search outward, into this physical world where my vision is obscured. I can't see the forest for the trees. Forget the Who Am I? for a moment, I want to know Where Am I? Where the fuck am I? There is so much distraction that keeps me from self. How do I get around, through, under, over this illusion of a life? How do I live this life without attaching who I am to it? Where is that oh so very fine line of acceptance? Is this where I exist, somewhere between resistance and attachment, accepting what is without identifying with it, without judging it as right or wrong? Simply allowing this moment, being here now, making whatever choices I make from a place of acceptance. Accepting the choices that others make and knowing that everything is exactly as it should be.

*blended beingness is me, living this life as both a physical and non-physical being.