Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Sexual Boredom

A friend called today and asked me to talk to him about my experience with boredom in sexual relationships and if I thought polyamory could serve as a release valve of sorts, such as the little gizmo in the top of a pressure cooker that releases the built up pressure. As if having more than one lover could serve as stress relief for the primary relationship. I told him, I thought so, yes.

I think this is one of the benefits of polyamory--of having more than one outlet to express one's sexuality. Especially for people who have high libidos and/or who like to engage in a variety of sexual practices that perhaps don't match up to their partner's. Even people with pretty mild sexual interests and middle of the road sexual drive can tend to get bored with just one sexual partner, even when they are still deeply in love with that person and enjoy a fine sex life with them. This is pretty common actually.

My friend has been in his monogamous marriage for several years. He loves his wife and tells me that they have some decently hot sexual encounters, fairly frequently. Even so, he is starting to get bored because not only is her libido not as strong as his, she isn't as adventurous in bed as he is and she has no interest in going to the places he would like to explore. He has talked to her about his craving for more variety and his desire to open up their relationship but this upsets her to no end and she will have none of it. He doesn't want to cheat on her, or get a divorce. He loves her, enjoys having sex with her, but he is starting to feel confined, bored, and resentful.

I hate the way the monogamous mindset holds a partner sexually captive. And I hate to be cliche here, but who likes to eat the exact same type of food everyday? For most people, that would get very boring very quickly. Monotony sets in and people can start taking each other for granted when things don't get stirred up a bit. The stability of some routine in our lives is comforting and necessary for our mental, emotional and physical health, but also, and please excuse another hackneyed phrase--variety is the spice of life. More than one significant other in our life offers cross pollination. They make life more exciting and more than that, they make us more exciting as individuals. We learn more, grow more, and love more. Different lovers teach us to love differently. And we in turn pass on some of this different loving to our other partner. There doesn't have to be anything "wrong" with one partner/relationship for another partner/relationship to be "right." They can both be right. They can both be beautiful, sexy, enjoyable, special, worthy of our time and love.

So back to this release valve metaphor--having more than one lover can certainly serve to relieve pressure in a relationship because one person doesn't have to be all and do all for you. Having more than one lover tends to encourage more acceptance in each person as an individual with diverse needs, desires, and ways of being in the world. There is no need to focus on some specific lack with one partner/relationship because where one partner doesn't cover it for you, another may provide.

You've heard the saying, it takes a village? What if it takes a bouquet of lovers?

You want to know how it will be,
Me and her, or you and me.
You both sit there, your long hair flowing,
Eyes alive, your mind still growing,
Saying to me: What can we do,
Now that we both love you?
I love you too. I don't really see,
Why can't we go on as three?
"Triad" by David Crosby


cindy said...

thanks for keeping things in perspective. So amazing how I feel like this is my own personal therapy blog....lucky me!

Greenwoman said...

Hey there lovely lady! I was thinking about that line a bouquet of lover. Nice. *smiles*

I AM ANOTHER said...

cindy, as it is mine. i'm lucky to have readers that get something out of what I write, as I get something out of writing it.

Greenwoman, it is a nice line huh? smiles back at ya.