During walking contemplation today (my lunch break) I walked by the creek and pond, past the organic orchard and then took my shoes off and waded across the creek. I thought the water would be colder than it was, so refreshing had I been any other place (not at the college where I work) I would have stripped off my clothes and gone for a dip.
I was contemplating
what I am and
what another is while practicing being
in the moment with all that is, I had a lot of fear come up for me around rattlesnakes again (the
beware of rattlesnakes sign is still up) and part of me figures they are lurking everywhere, behind every blade of grass, log, and rock. I realized that Another has the potential to bring up a lot of fear in me. Then I noticed the two things I feared most in my life at that moment were rattlesnakes and my eldest daughter. That thought made me very sad. I love my daughter so much, as I love all of my children, my babies. But my daughter is really scary to me right now. I perceive her as this huge lumbering painbody, so fragile, so hurt, so full of anger and animosity that she would strike at me just like a rattlesnake and bite hard, inflicting her poison into me. I know I can withstand her bites, I have in the past, as she has withstood mine. And I will continue to withstand her bites, as many that may come my way, I'm just so tired of it. And they hurt. I have no time to hate. No time for bitterness and regret. Not that I don't have regrets because I do, many. Too many. But I try not to feed them too much. They are already overly grown. My life is so full, there is so much potential for love and connection and that is all I seek. My heart's desire. My daughter is on her path and I know that she will eventually figure it out. She has choices to make like all of us. And I respect her right to make her choices, whatever they may be. Yes, whatever they may be. I honor her. She is a beautiful and talented young woman. She has an incredible spirit and a generous loving heart. I want only her happiness. I want for her to experience peace and the truth of who and what she is. I know her pain wants validation and justification for it's existence. And I acknowledge my part its creation, at least some of it. I am her mother after all and to deny my part would be negligent. But she's a big girl now and the choices are hers. She seems pretty trapped in her painbody and I know what that's like as I've been there. I lived in my painbody for a very long time. My pain body helped create her painbody. I want for her to be free. And when she's ready, I know she will free herself. I can't do it for her, nobody can. I wish for her the shining light of truth that lives in the moment. It's such a lovely place to be. And it's real. All else is the mind-fuck of an ego created hell.
I was contemplating what I am and what another is while practicing being in the moment with all that is, I had a lot of fear come up for me around rattlesnakes again (the beware of rattlesnakes sign is still up) and part of me figures they are lurking everywhere, behind every blade of grass, log, and rock. I realized that Another has the potential to bring up a lot of fear in me. Then I noticed the two things I feared most in my life at that moment were rattlesnakes and my eldest daughter. That thought made me very sad. I love my daughter so much, as I love all of my children, my babies. But my daughter is really scary to me right now. I perceive her as this huge lumbering painbody, so fragile, so hurt, so full of anger and animosity that she would strike at me just like a rattlesnake and bite hard, inflicting her poison into me. I know I can withstand her bites, I have in the past, as she has withstood mine. And I will continue to withstand her bites, as many that may come my way, I'm just so tired of it. And they hurt. I have no time to hate. No time for bitterness and regret. Not that I don't have regrets because I do, many. Too many. But I try not to feed them too much. They are already overly grown. My life is so full, there is so much potential for love and connection and that is all I seek. My heart's desire. My daughter is on her path and I know that she will eventually figure it out. She has choices to make like all of us. And I respect her right to make her choices, whatever they may be. Yes, whatever they may be. I honor her. She is a beautiful and talented young woman. She has an incredible spirit and a generous loving heart. I want only her happiness. I want for her to experience peace and the truth of who and what she is. I know her pain wants validation and justification for it's existence. And I acknowledge my part its creation, at least some of it. I am her mother after all and to deny my part would be negligent. But she's a big girl now and the choices are hers. She seems pretty trapped in her painbody and I know what that's like as I've been there. I lived in my painbody for a very long time. My pain body helped create her painbody. I want for her to be free. And when she's ready, I know she will free herself. I can't do it for her, nobody can. I wish for her the shining light of truth that lives in the moment. It's such a lovely place to be. And it's real. All else is the mind-fuck of an ego created hell.
2 comments:
Daughters have a way of snuggling in that's unique and special...and the viper mode is just as deep.
Its very difficult to withstand the attacks I know...Sending you some very soft warm thoughts. I hope they are comforting to you.
The last image you choose is just lovely. I'd really enjoy knowing the artist...*smiles*
Thank you Greenwoman. Oh, the mother daughter dance. I did one with mine, still am. Love to you
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