The Love Bubble

Mistress Matisse has just posted on the well developed subculture that she socializes within. She refers to herself "as a kinky/poly/bi/sex-worker", saying, "I’m a very sexually other person" and credits Seattle as being pretty easily accepting of sexual minorities. What this means is that she gets to hang out with lots of people like her, not exactly like her, but kinky, at least kink friendly, and their kinks vary. She refers to her situation as "living in the love bubble." I like that term.

Living In The Love Bubble

Gets me thinking about my life and my sexuality. I like thinking of myself as kinky even though I'm just a little curled. I'm sure Matisse and her social circle would consider me vanilla and boring. Heck, I consider myself sexually boring at times. But I like the feeling the word kinky creates for me and I revolt a bit that BDSM players seem to have a monopoly on the word. One dictionary definition for kinky is strikingly unconventional, although more often than not the word is referring to bizarre or deviant sexual tastes and perverted practices. Pervert implys something unnatural or abnormal, just plain wrong. So by societies standards I may be a bit abnormal and Mattisse and her friends may be extremely abnormal but I beg to differ that there is anything unnatural or wrong going on. We humans do some strange stuff no doubt but that's what being human is all about.

If I'm to compare myself to socities norms, I want to be strikingly unconventional. I just strive to embrace more unconventionally in my life. My husband actually calls me provincial. Heck, now by golly, I was raised in northern California. But he is mostly making that jab in regards to my musical tastes. And truthfully, I am aware that I lack urban sophistication, so although in Seattle my sexual tastes may be considered provincially vanilla, in the community were I live, the kinky descriptor is a closer fit. It's all relative.

I was at a large scale fashion show/event, Freak Phenomena, last Friday night that was put on by a group of women artists/designers who focus on textiles and performance art. Their name is Chikoko, and they design and sew all of the clothes/costumes themselves. They are part of of our local 30 something crowd, my daughter is one of their photographers and many of my friend's kids we in the show. They are an intelligent, creative, sexy, and kinky bunch--maybe just the strikingly unconventional but kinky nevertheless, not afraid to let their freak flags fly.

The day after their show I was at the Farmer's market and a friend asked me about the show. She said, "were the clothes they modeled skanky?" That question seemed so incredibly odd to me. I asked her what she meant by skanky and she described a parade that happened in Chico several years back where a few men and women scantily dressed in black leather and latex clothing provided a mild BDSM presence with their whips, collars and other accoutrements of the kinky lifestyle. I recalled this as it was pretty far out for Chico and although I was shocked, it made me very happy when I witnessed it. I found myself annoyed with my friend's use of the word skanky as it was obvious to me that she wasn't referring to the the reggae dance style but rather to something disgusting, filthy and sexually promiscuous. She confirmed for herself what she wanted to understand with something about "knowing how you are" so yes indeed, it must have been skanky. This woman was amused and laughing and not meaning to offend me. I'm sure she finds herself quite liberal in her sexual "openmindedness" and I am not personally offended by her type of mindset but it made me a bit nauseous and I found it disgustingly sex-negative and Neanderthal.

I certainly don't fit well into a stereotypical sex labeled box. I'm openminded and curious and sex is definitely one of the things I'm most interested in in life. Without any specific order of importance here are my top 20 interests in life as they come to mind in this moment:

1. sexSexSEX
2. spirituality/enlightenment
3. communication/connection/understanding
4. relationships
5. polyamory
6. the mind
7. the body and the rest of the physical world
8. the ego
9. the blendedness of my beingness--both physical and non-physical
10. family and friends
11. love
12. physical touch/massage
13. adventure/exploring new things/finding new interests
14. pleasure/pain
15. writing
16. telling the truth/vulnerability/transparency
17. power exchange in relationships
18. community
19. creative/artistic expression
20. the lives of sexual gurus, experts,sex workers, sexual spiritual practices...

I think sex does belong at both the top and bottom of my list because it seems to encompass and intertwine with just about everything I am interested in. I think about sex a lot and I'm fairly certain that sex is one of the the main reasons I came here to play. Sex and love. That would explain my penchant for sexually loving relationships--multiple ones simultaneously.

I'm intrigued with the various forms that sexuality is expressed and I love exploring how other people do sex, be it BDSM, tantra, sex work, polyamory etc. I'm not much interested in the sexual expression of monogamy as I find it so traditionally boring, an empty ritual that people make all this meaning out of but when it gets right down the the actual reasons behind monogamy I find it off putting. I'd be interested in finding a monogamous philosophy that I could respect. I do respect the practice monogamy when a couple just sort of falls into exclusivity by default. Hey, I suppose I could allow for a conscious choice with the monogamous lifestyle too. Ha! Life gets busy with kids, work, play and other forms of creativity and adventure and sometimes there just isn't the time for another lover (or even for one lover for some folks.) Sometimes there is simply no other lover available and sometimes the bonding and intimacy in a new (or old) relationship feels so good and is taking so much of one's attention that they aren't sexually interested in anyone else for the time being. There are just so many cycles in life when multiple sexual partners are just not what we may want or need at that time. But enforced monogamy annoys me. One partner holding the other hostage to monogamous irks me. Not that I don't respect people's right to be monogamous, people have the right to engage in any type of sexual fetish that they are attracted to. But if being an adult baby is what turns you on, don't expect me to get all gaga with you, and if you want to be monogamous that's fine, just don't expect me give up any current or potential future lovers for you because you would feel better controlling who I do and don't have sex with.

Ha. I have an emotional charge around monogamy so I must have more to learn in a personal way from it. Perhaps it's just related to my freedom issues and I suspect that I carry some regret for practicing enforced monogamy for so many years. Not that I didn't willingly choose to be monogamous myself, or try to hold my partners hostage in this way, because I did. But I believe that my so called choice came from an indoctrinated belief system, a social and egotistical rule formed out of ignorance and fear. I will continue studying monogamy and if I find some sources that give me additional insight I'll write about it.

Back to living in that love bubble. My juicy women's group is a love bubble of sorts. We've been meeting for several months now and out of six total women sharing their sexual histories, we are in the midst of the fourth woman. Besides initiating ourselves into the group by sharing our sexual pasts, we spend a lot of time just checking in, updating each other as to what we've been up to since our last meeting. But the majority of what we share with each other is about love, sex, or the variety of ways we exist in the world as sexually juicy women. Ours is a love bubble because we share without judgment and opinion. No one is right or wrong, we just are and it's all welcome. We witness one another in sacred space and although we might lovingly call someone on a pattern we observe, everyone is accepted for who she is and what she does. It's all good and everyone has such exciting stories. I can never wait to get back to our group.

Out of the six women, five of us call ourselves polyamorous. Currently only one out of the five has more than one sexual partner...well let me be more specific. Womean #1 currently has multiple sexual partners. Her main lover is a married man who is also polyamorous but she has other lovers she sees on and off. Woman #2 is currently being monogamous with her lover but discussing with him, her taking on another lover. She also has sex with a client but this is allowed within their "monogamous" agreement. Woman #3 pratices polyamory on a regular basis when she is isn't in a committed relationship--she is bi-sexual and has had a certain female lover for many years (they just celebrated either their 25th or 30th anniversary together--I forget which.) She goes in and out of being sexual with this lover because most of the men she has committed to long term have insisted that she not be sexual with this female lover. When she is not in a committed long term relationship with a man, she generally has different lovers of both sexes although she has recently come out of a period of celibacy and an old flame has reentered her life. Per her last update she is not interested in being sexual with anyone else...er, except she is having phone sex...or maybe it's just phone erotica, with another man she was interested in before her old flame appeared on the scene. Woman #4 has currently ended an 8 year marriage and is open to having as many lovers as they come around. Although she is currently only being sexual with one man, she has specific plans of making no commitment to monogamy with him. She is also seeing a sex worker. Woman #5 is currently monogamous by default although there are a few men she is interested in. Woman #6 has been monogamously married for many years but is interested in the polyamory.

But a communal love bubble of the type Matisse is referring to? No. Most of my friends are hopelessly monogamous. I definitely do not live in Seattle. I don't hide who I am and my friends are seeminly accepting of my ways, but...well, even most of my polyamorous friends practice monogamy. I have one friend who has been married for many years and is committed to her family, loves and is devoted to her husband and the child they have together. She is in love with another man who was previously her lover who she broke up with to be with her current husband. She would never cheat on her husband, or leave him. But, she yearns and fantasizes for a "real" relationship with this other man (who continues to be a close friend of their family.) She considers him her soul mate, the love of her life. And yet she tells me point blank that she isn't polyamorous, that that isn't ok with her. An odd quirk to this story is that her husband cheats on her continuously. Well, I agree, it obviously is not ok with her but regardless, she is in love with two men simultaneously.

So I live my life, evolving in my awareness of who I am as a sexual being. I frequent places like the Folsom Street Faire, and bars like Uncle Charlie's when I visit San Francisco. I attend sex positive seminars and conferences and watch films that address sexual climate and culture. I read Mistress Matisse's blog and those of other polyamourous and BDSM people. I read books and frequent the websites of the sexperts and sexworkers. I lap up what I can of sex-positivity in our up-tight, sexually repressed, monogamously inclined, sexually different discriminating culture. I see polyamorous clients and write articles on polyamory in my local alternative paper. I work to understand who and what I am and who and what others are as sexual beings. Hey, I even have a male friend who is willing to kiss on a married woman. I would adore living in a love bubble. It's a dream of mine. Right now I'm thankful for my juicy women and my husband--they are pretty damn good love bubbles in and of themselves.