My Dissociative Parts

I want to talk about my parts--my body, mind and ego along with my true self. But please bear with me while I digress a little into some background on the field of psychology. I'll get to my bits and pieces soon enough.

The field of psychology likes to use labels and create lists of criteria that place people in boxes. The Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders(DSM), published by the American Psychiatric Association is the system that psychotherapists and psychiatrists use to classify and diagnose mental disorders. It is a very pathological oriented tool.

In 1966 the DSM contained 66 disorders with a short list of symptoms and a brief explanation of the believed causes of these disorders. In 1979 the DSM added a diagnostic system of five scales which allows for consideration of different aspects of a person's life and provides a more detailed diagnosis criteria. Currently, the DSM, known as DSM-IV (the numbers change as the manual is revised) contains nearly 400 disorders with prototypes of disorders and questions that define the disorders depending on whether certain symptoms are present or absent. I don't believe that people are sicker than they once were, we just have a wider variety of boxes to put them into.

The disorder that has inspired this current train of thought is called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I was thinking about us humans as blended beings. One of my teachers who is called Abraham, coined this term and it describes the human beingness so perfectly that I've taken it on. Blended being refers to our eternal non-physical nature, while we temporarily create a life here in physical form. It seems to me that there is an organic affliction, a conflict of sorts that arises early on in the homogenization process, this mixing of physical and non physical elements that creates the human condition. As I contemplate my own humanness and the symptoms that cause me to suffer, the DID label works best to describe the condition I am afflicted with.

DID is a mental condition where a person, one single individual, has two or more distinct identities or personalities. These personalities are a composite of thoughts, feelings, experiences and memories that separate themselves off from the other personalities, each consisting of their own specific grouping of thoughts, feelings, experiences and memories. Each of these personalities engage in their own unique pattern of perceiving and interacting with their environment--friends, family, community, personal habits, the world at large. These different personalities have a routine of taking control of the person's behavior and there is a loss of memory that is associated with this routine of taking control by the various personalities. When one of these personalities is in control, there is no memory of the time during which the other personality was in control.

Back to my own symptons and conflicts...There seems to arise a clash of incompatible ideas and interests, a mutual exclusivity of desires and tendencies, an opposition in motivation that brings about this conflict. I suspect there is no "real" conflict but rather the overwhelming stress this process causes, skews the perception, kicks ones into survival mode, creating an incredible defense system. I imagine that our parts (non-physical self, mind, body, ego) come together, similar to how the members of a family are enmeshed. There is both a strong sense of bonded connection as well as a strong sense of autonomy and need for individuality and separateness. Some families find a functional balance, supporting one another's individual needs while maintaining a healthy whole, while other families fight and struggle to survive in a dysfunctionality that neither supports the individual or the family unit as a whole. Integration of the conflicting needs of all the members is the key to wholeness, harmony, balance and knowledge of self and another.

The physical being consists of a physical body of course, but also a mind and an ego. These are all great, necessary things, that allow us to exist in the physical world. The ego is motivated by the desire to survive--at all costs. It piles on and clings to false identities in a desperate attempt to feel real, to exist. The ego is caught between a rock and a hard place though because it's not real, at least it's realness in temporary, and yet, there it is. And how could we possibly survive without our egos it in this physical environment? So we have to learn to deal with the ego's tenacious tendency to latch on to false identities with a "until death do us part" mentality.

Then there is the "real" us, the truth of who and what we are. This real us is not temporary, and it outlasts the ego, mind and body. I'm not going to go into great detail talking about who and what we are because I've only had a few direct experiences of that for myself, so it would be arrogant of me for me to tell others who they are. I do have some ideas that what I am is the same as what everyone of us is and there are many religious and spiritual teachings that suggest who and what we are. And although it may be interesting to imagine who and what we are and to read exciting things about ourselves, ultimately we all need to experience this in a direct way. Anyway, I have already gone so far as to say that we are eternal non-physical beings and it's fine with me if you think otherwise but this is a story about my understanding at this point so I'm going to continue. I'll also say that non-physical beings have certain qualities such as omnipotent (infinite, all powerful); omnipresent (everywhere); and omniscient (all knowing). I also use terms such as truth, love, real, existing in the moment; etc. to describe a non-physical being, or in other words, the true self.

The unlimited possibilities of blending the physical with the non-physical form the action and plot of our lives. It's not an easy feat figuring this all out, settling into the blend and practically applying all this infinite, everywhere, all knowingness through the body, mind and ego. I've only said a little about the ego and then there's the mind. I can best describe my own mind as often being like a fucking chainsaw in the the hands of a two year old. Well, think of a big, strong, two year old like Bamm Bamm in the Flintstones. The mind is a wonderful thing, an incredible tool. But left untrained, neglected, and in the care of the ego--watch out! And then the body--oh these lovely bodies that serve us so well. And how we so often neglect and abuse them. But the mystical heights and secret places our bodies can take us when they are attended to, loved and nurtured, trained and well explored.

There often comes a time of reckoning for those with DID. This reckoning is a healing, a time of integration of the various personalities, a time to bring the whole fam damily together. As I mentioned before, the various personalities in DID are groupings of different thoughts, feelings, experiences and memories. Each unique personality is created by these specific combinations. These dissociative personalities are based in survival and integration is a choice to do more than just survive. Thus we arrive at the most significant point of my using the DSM definition of DID as an analogy of my different parts--my true self; my ego; my mind; my body. I choose to live at my full potential as a blended being by integrating these dissociative parts. I believe I can accomplish this by living with more mindful awareness, attending to the needs of all my parts. My time of reckoning has come.

My ego definitely has been functioning in survival mode too much of the time. My mind is like the rebel child, wild with untrained intelligence. My body too often neglected, rebells and causes havoc when ignored or abused too much. And yet it has been so forgiving. A loyal friend. My true self is patient and persistent, always nudging and guiding me, sagacious but allowing for my free will who too often listens to the loud voice of my pushy, arrogant ego. All these parts are necessary and make my existence as a human being possible. But I need integration, I want to know the potential of my true self, who and what I am. I yearn for the leadership of this true self, keeping my body, mind, and ego in balance.

In DID the dissociative personalities fear integration. They see it as death and consider it disrespectful of all they have undergone to ensure survival. But integration offers wholeness, strength and a stable sense of identity. It offers a knowing of who and what I am. I don't want to kill my ego, I just want to bring it into the fold. I don't want to "control" my mind, I want to train it so it is more free and use its intelligent in more creative and powerful ways. I want to hone my body to its full potential (or at least develop it more in that direction) so I can experience deeper body wisdom along with more varied and intense physical pleasure. I know that my human condition will work much better for me when all my parts are working in sync with each other, in service to me rather than running rampant on their own. Integration is surrender to self and when this process is mastered the true purpose of human existence can be played out.