The Glaze of Sobriety

Wow, what a week it's been. I've been up and down and all around, inside, outside and everywhere in between. I've been doing some fire walking.

Jerry and I left Friday for Harbin Hot Springs. We spent 3 days and 2 nights there, soaking, sleeping, fucking. We hiked just a little. On Saturday night we went to the wonderful little theatre there and watched Across The Universe. I really enjoyed it a lot and encourage everyone to see it if you haven't yet. I've posted a You Tube trailer of it below. We eat a couple of dinners and one breakfast at the restaurant and were very well fed.

On Sunday I did my hot and cold ritual dips. After soaking and relaxing in the warm pool, I dip in the hot pool (115 to 125 degrees), then the cold pool. Then I sit and meditate in front of Kwan Yin. I did 7 rounds of Hot Dip-Cold Dip-Kwan Yin. With each successive round I'm able to stay longer in both the hot and cold water and it produces quite an altered state. One of my favorite modes of getting high.

Always She hears, and Her Presence consoles the grieving, cools the burning brow, relieves the pain. Kwan Yin means "She who hears the cries of sentient beings."

I've been practicing staying present in the moment lots this last week. Breathing and allowing big waves of energy to rush through my body. I've been experiencing waves of fear that seem to stem from deeply rooted beliefs about love, relationship, and abandonment. My jealousy is still here but I'm not experiencing it as often and it's interesting because I don't really have many stories attached to it. It's very visceral rather than originating in my mind. I think it's partly my survival instinct.

I've also received another lesson in trusting my intuition. There was something going on for me last week that I was interpreting as jealousy but was actually a need for balance. I was trying to maintain equilibrium within my relationship while dealing with the new and unknown. I was being bombarded with too much stimulation all at once and it was taking a toll on me. I had all these pieces of the puzzle as to what as actually going on for me but they weren't fitted together. Then something transpired that hit me like a brick and all of a sudden the picture appeared, like one of those 3-d pics with another image hidden beneath and you just need to stare at it from the right perspective for it to appear. When I explained what was going on for me with H., he got it and offered a helping hand.

Later in the week, while we were eating in the restaurant at Harbin, there were these free "Valentines" which an astrologer by the name of Hunter Reynolds, had written up in celebration of Valentine's Day.
It seems that "the bulk of winter is made up of two signs: Capricorn and Aquarius, both of which share Saturn as a ruler." His purpose in this writing was to explain how romance got "embedded in the cold heart of winter". I don't remember how he made the leap and brought Venus, The Goddess of Love into the picture but he made the comparison, "Venus is to Saturn what flirtation is to marriage". Well, I didn't so much relate to all of what he was saying, as I think he basically meant that flirtation is dangerous to marriage and I obviously don't agree with that, but he had some good insight to offer nevertheless. The characteristics of Saturn are "gravity, responsibility, discipline, maturity, aging and death" and he points out that "Relationships that don't eventually embrace the clear boundaries and agreements of Saturn usually degenerate into hurt and drama." He says, "Saturn is the kiln in which the clay of romantic love gets fired." I like that. And, "Only relationships smeared with the glaze of sobriety and shared purpose survive the heat uncracked." I do think there is a lot of merit to this actually, even though he stated it too unequivocally serious for my taste. It's related to the balance I was seeking with H. when the going got rough for me. This term, "the glaze of sobriety" hit me deep with a resounding, YES! That's the perfect way to say what I was asking for.

Monogamy, non-monogamy, polyamory...whatever relationship style one embraces, if your relationship is one you are committed to, one that you intend to sustain over the long term, continuing to grow the love and companionship until death and perhaps beyond, I do believe "a glaze of sobriety" needs to be maintained, within reason, new relationship energy or what have you, notwithstanding.

In regards to the posts I've made on theorectical polyamory--well, there is movement right now, yes indeed. And lots of emotions. Oh, we also took a yoga class while at Harbin and during one of the asanas the instructor said something about emotions being energy-in-motion. I'm working to keep that emotional energy moving, allowing it to coarse through my body and move on. It feels really funky when it gets stuck inside and starts to stagnate.

I'm happy. Mostly happy, most of the time. I'm happy even with the stuff that has been hard because I'm doing what I've been wanting to do for a long time and it's a challenge I'm definitely willing to meet. I've been a bit apprehensive here and there for sure, like, "Oh, no, oh fuck, now I've gone and done it. I'm getting what I've been asking for and damn, I don't like this much." But those moments pass and are just a small part of me--a sometimes very needy and powerful part of me that wants to have her voice heard, to be comforted, loved and cherished, and sometimes she threatens to throw a tantrum, but she hasn't yet. And she's but a small part nevertheless. I give thanks that my dear husband has been honoring that part of me very sweetly, along with all my other parts too and I'm so appreciative of who he is in my life and the love he offers me.

I've been reading Compersion--Meditations on Using Jealousy as a Path to Unconditional Love by Dr. Deborah Taj Anapol. It's a e-book that you can order here. Here's one of the meditations:

Jealousy Is An Initiation

When jealousy calls know that you are being tested. An initiation awaits you. Will you allow the ego to prevail in its demands for comfort, or will you choose a path which brings you face to face with the unknown? Can you expand to include the unacceptable or do you close the door?

Yes, jealousy signals an opportunity to awaken from lifelong sleep, to take a leap into higher consciousness and even live to tell about it. Here is your chance to take another step on the path to limitless love. Here is a compelling reason to increase your awareness.

When jealousy arrives, uninvited, do not let it rule you.

Instead ask yourself:

"Where do I need to grow?"

"What am I refusing to allow into my life?"

Where do I need to let go?"