HeartMind

Chapter Two of Foolsgold is called seaweed heart. I'm crying right now. I can't tell if my heart hurts or if it is just the openess. It think it hurts from opening more. I'm so confused. I feel sad, happy, tender, open, vulnerable, scared. Afraid of the truth. Silly me. Silly girl.

Susan talks about her commitment to follow her heart. I've been trying to follow mine but my mind gets in my way. She says, "Sue, oh mind-heavy one, listen to me! Now, for heaven's sake!" My heart is speaking to me through this book right now. My mind is so heavy. God, it fucks with me so.

I did a spontaneous act the other day. I heard my heart calling and I lunged. But since then my mind tells me that it wasn't my heart, it was my attachment, that I'm self indulgent and grasping. Peace sneaked out the back door and instead of inviting it back in I chased my desire. I do not know how to not get so excited when I get what I want. One tiny grain of sand in my play box and I'm crazed in anticipation of the truckload arriving. I start wanting what I deem unreasonable to want. Dissatisfaction with what is starts creeping in. My heart starts beating faster and I feel tightness in my chest. My solar plexus malfunctions and either traps energy or spills out too much. Peace leaves and I'm all stirred up. Attached. I want to learn to receive with grace. To desire while still wanting what is.

From Foolsgold--Antoine De Saint-Exupery:

It is only with the heart that we see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eyes.

I flash that my actions must come from my heart and mind being in balance. I call this state my "heartmind" and I know what to do to stay connected with this integral part of self. Meditation. Breathwork. Yoga. Dyad communication. Mostly though, the most powerful tool I possess for maintaining this equilibrium is telling the truth. Susan talks about this saying, "Scientists say there are brain cells in the heart." She goes on to paraphrase Stephen Harrod Buhner, in The Secret Teachings of Plants who says that "the electromagnetic field produced by the heart is much more powerful than that created by the brain and he suggests that human consciousness may be centered in the heart." This is what Joseph Clinton Pierce has purported also. He speaks of the connection between the mind and the heart and how the mind is actually located in the area of the physical heart rather than the brain. Opening my heart opens my mind, or maybe it's more of a freeing of the mind, and vice versa.

I'm fooled by my attachment and I call it love. I often don't know how to tell the difference and this upsets me. I know I'm filled with both and my practice right now is learning to distinguish between the two. Love more. Attach less. Attachment always muddies the love water and I yearn to swim in the crystal clear source.

Susan offers a poem by Louise Gluck:

Breakage, whatever its cause, is the dark complement to the act of making, the one implies the other. The thing that is broken has particular authority over the act of change.

This rings so true for me. I've been diligently working at opening my heart to breakage. My open heart is so vulnerable and I'm very fearful of the potential for love pain. Susan says, "I guess if our hearts were always open...we'd be immobilized by vulnerability." I suppose this relates to having compassion for my imperfections, for my inability to constantly love with an open heart and for my temptations to blame another or to savor the bitter taste of jealousy.

I fell in love awhile back and this man became my ego buster. That's what I affectionately call him. I readily get the implications of the making and breaking of my ego and I welcome it. It's the making and the breaking of my open heart that is so difficult. This same relationship offers vast potential for love pain. Almost immediately after I opened my heart to this man, another love relationship that I was in the midst of shifted dramatically. The vulnerability there has threatened to either immobilize me or close down my heart. This love runs deep but attachment rears it's ugly head and muddies those waters when I least expect it.

And then I remember to speak the truth. It always brings me back into balance. To whom should I speak the truth? Myself? Jerry? The object of my spontaneous act? This person or that? Write it out in this blog?

Susan says, "Maybe we need whatever it takes to shock our hearts open and free us from fear." I feel my fear right now as I write. I suppose freeing myself from my fear will take experiencing it fully. What do I fear? Not getting what I want. Hurting another. Annoying another. Attaching to my desires. Love pain.

She suggests writing a letter to our hearts, as in "Dear heart,..."and paying attention to our hearts in our body. Also to write alternate lines "My heart says/my mind says/my heart says/my mind says."
My heart says it's OK to make mistakes. My mind says the shame is unbearable. My heart says to feel the shame. My mind says I'm not that strong. My heart says to open and receive. My mind say to back off. My heart says that it is all coming to me. My mind says courage takes rushing forward. My heart says to wait for the doors to open. My mind says I see things delusionally. My heart says it is not my business what another thinks of me. My mind says I need to know. My heart says, I do know. My mind tells me not to trust myself. My heart says it's OK to get it wrong.