When a friend brought up the subject of sexual irresponsibility the other day it got me thinking. What does sexual responsibility mean to me at this particular time in my life?
I find myself returning to my all time favorite definition of responsibility:
The Ability to Respond.
I didn't come up with that definition myself, but years ago someone used the term and it struck a cord in me. It's so simple and so right on.
Here are some dictionary offerings on responsibility: reliability; dependability; one's own initiative or authority; answerability, accountability; a duty; obligation; burden; trustworthiness; something which a person has to look after.
Here are some dictionary offerings on responsibility: reliability; dependability; one's own initiative or authority; answerability, accountability; a duty; obligation; burden; trustworthiness; something which a person has to look after.
I've been reading Real Live Nude Girl Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture by Carol Queen. Sexually powerful women like Carol Queen both amaze and terrify me. I will write more on this later because her writing has a lot to do with sexual responsibility. I've also noticed a lot of reference/connection to sexual responsibility within the kink community. I'll be contemplating and writing lots more on this subject. This post is just a starting point.
I wasn't taught sexual responsibility by my mother or anyone in my family. It's interesting to me that even though sex wasn't discussed I can't remember a time when I wasn't interested in, or didn't have a fairly decent (relatively speaking) understanding about it. It seems to me that I came into this world bearing a certain amount of sexual knowledge. I taught all of my friends about sex, how the penis went inside the vagina and how women got pregnant and where the baby came out. I knew all of this stuff as far back as I can remember--perhaps at the age of three or four. I shocked a lot of kids who had been told some crazy stories. Some of them didn't believe me of course. I remember one girl who just had a fit when I explained some sexual facts to her in third grade, but she came back and apologized in sixth grade informing me that she now understood what I had been talking about. I don't know how I knew what I knew, but I did.
My mother had sex with exactly two men in her life, me and my brother's father and my sister's father. I assume she had sex more than the three times it took to conceive her children but I suspect not much more than that. Really. My step-father was this really crazy religious guy, deacon of the church, philanderer etc. On their honeymoon he told my mom that instead of having sex, they would be spending that time in prayer. She lived with both of these men a total of less than eight years and conjugal relations where not in abundance. At the age of 41 years old, my mother had a hysterectomy and divorced her husband. After that she never even dated. I would be knocked over surprised if I discovered my mother ever masturbated. I would bet money that she never did. And done with sex at the tender age of 41? It breaks my heart.
The climate around sexually in my house was very quiet but I was a wild child always exploring and getting naked. My mother was always yelling at me to put my clothes on as I walked naked in front of the picture windows after a shower or whenever. I laid topless in the sun in our back yard and when my neighbor saw me I was fired as her children's baby sitter. The standard in my life was that if you had sex, or a body for that matter, you kept it covered up, a secret. There wasn't an energy that sex was dirty or bad--just something private, very private. My mother didn't know what to do with me. And as it turns out, I didn't know what to do with myself either.
On one hand, nakedness and sexuality always felt very natural to me and I couldn't figure out what all the fuss was about. And yet I was very wounded. My step-brother who was seven years older than me, had sexually molested me for four years, from the time I was six to ten. My girlfriend's father first exposed himself to me when I was eight and later molested me and then basically stalked me for years. I didn't have a clue how to respond to either of these situations so I never told anyone, conspiring with both of them to keep their sexual secrets. Dirty secrets, lies, cheating, and taking advantage of little girls were all partners in my sexually formative years.
I masturbated and orgasmed from a very young age and I was inclined to intense sexual play with all of my boyfriends although I was determined to stay a virgin. That lasted until I was sweet sixteen. Later, when older or stronger or more sexually experienced boys/men would be sexually aggressive with me, I found that there was lots about sex that scared me and that I did not possess the ability to respond responsibly. I was never raped or physically hurt but I was fairly emotionally devastated several times and I never felt powerful or safe in my skill level of handling unwanted sexual advances.
I suppose then for me, sexual responsibility starts with taking care of myself first and foremost. This would relate to having sex only with people I want to have sex with. That has never been difficult for me. Only once in my life did I have sex with someone when I didn't want to. I was still a teenager and after dinner and a movie my date expected sex. I thought that having sex with him would be less of a bother than refusing him so even though I didn't want to, I did it anyway. But I've had a few strange unexpected situations where I experienced unsolicited and unwanted sexual advantages such as being kissed and or touched and each time I basically froze inside, retreating into that deer in the headlights response. Once when someone did have in his mind to actually rape me, I managed to get away by tricking him. I always did something to protect myself from those who where intent on violating me. I was inclined towards taking care of myself but I wasn't accomplished at it.
I've been fairly obsessed with my sexuality my whole life and even though I had some very sex-negative influences growing up that most certainly impacted my ability to be sexually free and true to my sexual nature, I'm doing ok. I have a friendly relationship with my sexuality and I'm on a healing path, still exploring and stretching my boundaries. I know I'm a bit tweaked here and there but all in all I'm happy and excited with the journey. I know that my sexual path and my spiritual path are intimately intertwined if not one and the same.
More than anything else for me right now, sexual responsibility is related to having sex for the purpose of communion with another. My heartfelt yearning is connection, not orgasm. Not that I don't fully appreciate orgasms. But I noticed years ago that the orgasms, the best and most satisfying ones, are most likely to come to me along with strong, being in the moment, heart connection with another.
I do not judge others who engage in no strings attached (NSA) sex, it actually intrigues me on many levels. If it's working for them, good for them. If it's not, they will figure it out and do something different. It's just not my tendency and doesn't seem to be a part of my path. Love and sex are hopelessly intertwined for me. It's not that I have to identify someone as my "soul mate" to enjoy sex with them. But I need chemistry, and I need to feel love for them as a friend, and to be committed to our relationship in some way, however it may evolve. I'm sure that in the right circumstance, this love for a friend could be someone whom I had just met and made a comfortable and easy connection with, but nevertheless, the desire for an intimate connection of the mind and heart along with the genitals needs to be present for me.
Sexual responsibility is taking into consideration not only my own well being and desires but the well being and desires of another. I want to be fairly certain that sharing sex with another will be good for both of our hearts. I consider having sex with another whose heart and mind have already melded with mine and we have the added benefit of a sexual attraction being added to the mix. Mixing genital pleasure into our already established sharing is for the purpose of deepening the level of communication and understanding. Increasing the ability to love.
I wonder if I truly possessed the ability to respond in a sexually responsible way, would my actual sexual experiences more closely approximate the sex I imagine I want to be experiencing? Or is it just about responding to the actual sexual energy and opportunities that present themselves to me, right here, right now? Both I suppose.
Either way, I am creating a lot of what I want and I don't have any real misgivings and I'm pretty happy with my current adventures. I might not be getting all I want but I think I'm getting everything I need. I have a lot to learn I'm looking forward to practicing more sexual responsibility.
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