Rock Steady

Another warm, sunny winter day. I was out walking by the creek on campus during my lunch break, listening to a live Jimmy Cliff album on my iPod when he started leading the audience in a chant, I Am Ready, Rock Steady. All of a sudden, my enlightenment experience of I Am A Rock, hit me on this very deep and profound level. It was an evolution of my rockness. I became physically planted in the moment like a rock. I Am Rock Steady. Being rock like lends it's weight to the moment. Being fully grounded in the moment makes me present and ready for whatever is coming my way both now, and in the future.

I Am A Convoluted Spiral

Let me see if I can communicate my experience without wrapping my words around into a convoluted and spiral.

Today during walking contemplation I contrasted who I am as compared with what I am. I experienced my who self as this unique me, this one who is present right here, right now. Of course, what I am is present right here, right now also, but my whatness seems to be more generalized and my whoness more specific. Who I am is an individual making the choices I make. I notice that who I am is reflected in what I am aware of. I feel myself in the moment, standing on the launching pad of my future (my whoness's future), and I am fully cognizant of who I am through the noticing of what I am noticing. The fact that I (who I am) have made the choice to notice what I am noticing (this seems to be related to awareness being aware of itself rather than specifically what it is aware of) is what makes the creative force (otherwise known as intention) that is propelling me into my future whoness, conscious. This creative force would still exist of course, even if I wasn't noticing what I'm noticing, but then it would be creation by default, rather than by conscious intention.

I realize that my specific intentions are who I am and that who I am is a choice. It's all tied up in free will, as who I am uses this free will to continuously choose. On the other hand, what I am seems to have no choice, I just am what I am and that's what I am. No choice, just what is. Who I am gets to choose to be that, have this, do this and that. What I am is an intending force. Who I am chooses what to intend. If you want to know who I am, then look at the choices I make. That's me. If you what to know what I am, well...that's the part of me that is the same as you, but who we are just chooses to express ourselves differently.

I am a convoluted spiral.

Who Am I? # 7

I'm noticing the physicalness of self. What about this is actually me? This body is such a vehicle for Self, a via, a means, a channel. Most of what I know about self is through this body. For the longest time I couldn't imagine residing anywhere except in the region of my head, directly behind my eyes. Now that's interesting, the seat of the soul...but it was about my mind and brain activity. You know, Descarte's "I think, therefore I am." Now it's, I AM, therefore I try not to think. Or something like that.

So here I am in this body and it seems about the most powerful tool I posess to know Self. To be embodied. Who I am is embodied. I reside in this body.

I think of my beloved Grandmother, Mary Jane. One of the great true loves of my life. She died when I was 17 and pregnant with my first child. I went to the funeral home with my mother, brother, and sister to view her body. Everyone was staunch and composed as we walked inside. I broke down in the lobby and couldn't bear to enter with them. They emerged in tears, broken up. I went in then by myself and as soon as I saw her I was comforted. "That's not Gramma", I said. I knew. My Grandmother was not that dead body lying there in the casket. That body had served her oh so well and then she had abandoned it when it got too old. I emerged with no tears, at peace.

My Grandmother gave me so much love with her body. I slept between her and my Grandfather everynight from the time I was a newborn until he died. Then I slept with her until I was 6 and we moved away. She bathed me, massaged me, fed me, sang to me.

We use these bodies to share so much of Self. Touch, sex, eye contact, a smile, kind words and gestures. When the presence of Self swirls through the body it's powerful. I can experience some of this on my own, without Another but oh my, sharing Self with Another via our bodies. Hang on. God knew what she was doing when she created physical bodies!

And it's this presence of Self that I seek in my relationship with Another. My Self, their Self. Contact. Oh, oh, oh, there YOU are! And here I am! Imagine that! The eyes, the powerful eyes... So, who am I? I am the one who keeps gently reminding, sometimes nagging, nagging, nagging, "Hello, I'm wanting to make contact. That's MY only agenda here. Ego has other agendas, many oh so seemingly important agendas when there is another ego to relate to, to impress, to give information to, to get something from... but I don't really care about all of that. I care about connecting with Another. I have the time and patience to stop and look into their eyes and gaze at Who they are. Another Who! Oh, hi there! Hello, nice to get ego to shut up for a moment and move out of the way so we can greet one another. How are You? Oh, I already know how You are. You are wonderful. You are love. You are so beautiful. I've missed you so. Hello. Hello. Hello. Thanks for stopping by.

Who Am I? (Five)

This connection to love is so powerful. The presense. Understanding the grace of Another. Of Life. This love that is so peaceful and strong and reminds me who I am...I am this sweet peacefulness. I am also this gentle yearning. This insistent yearning. This consuming yearning. I must have that which I am. This is the connection I seek, I relish, I live and breathe in this body for. This is what I'm doing here. I'm doing. Me. I am the one doing this. It's so clear that I am who I am. I just am here, being, wanting this connection--no, being this connection. I am the one searching for words to convey the beauty of being in the presence of Another, of being in the presence of Self, of being Self. I am so blessed.

Who Am I? (Four)

I'm procrastinating. Bored with so much busy work. Lots to do. A sense of overwhelm. "Get Busy!", that voice chastises me inside my head. I ignore it. Who is the one chastising? Who is the one ignoring? Who is the one resisting any and all agendas? I want a personal assistant. A manager that organizes all of it and guides me to get it all done. Someone not pushy but persistent. Someone who does all the busy work and tells me what to do. Time to meditate. Take a walk now. Call this person, here's their number. Someone who pays my bills, fills my car up with gas, cleans the junk out of it, washes it and takes it in to be serviced 2,000 miles ago. Why is there always so much waiting for me, weighting me down? Who is this one experiencing the pressure? I am here. Right here. Right here now. Nothing matters except that. Except what? Except the one who knows. I know. "Just do the fucking work already!" OK. Who said that? Said what? Which one am I? This is crazy talk. Crazy thoughts. I'm going to work.

Who Am I? (Two)

I'm excited. Waiting for the universe to unfold before me. No worries, no fear. Excited anticipation for the next unfurling petal, the taste of dripping dew nectar. I feel intense and yet calm desire. Deep penetrating yearning to connect, to be present with life, with Another. Love is creeping slowing but steadily behind me, I sense it sneaking up on me and I allow it to play its game.

Who Am I? (One)

I notice this very patient presence, which seems like the "Big Me". I'm like a doting parent dealing with an impatient wayward child, loving, calm, waiting for the opportunity to lend a helping hand; while this other part of me, the child, the "Little Me", throws tantrums and runs hither, to and fro, full of frantic energy. Who I am is in this little child, the strong desire, pushing me on, the excitement of experiencing life and being in this body. I am both teacher and student. All at once, I know and I'm learning what I know. I am life jumping into life. I am the life doing the jumping and I am the life being jumped into. I am so beyond all of this and I am right here in the midst of the chaos. Actually, I am in the eye of the tornado which is a very calm place to be. I exist, therefore I know that I Am.