Skinned Knees

I wore a dress to work today that shows my skinned knees.

I've made up a pausable lie just in case someone asks.

"I tripped jogging up those darn concrete stairs!"

Lover who is my lover felt bad

but I told him it's okay,

that all new sexual relationships

deserve the initiation of rug burn.

They really hurt too.

But the pain brings a sweet memory.

The Depth Of My Being

Today I've been sewing and thinking about sex.  I just finished working on two summer dresses!  I tend to think about sex a lot and today the theme was how connecting sexually with someone is sacred to me. 


I'm not a trained tantrica who can pretty much accept anyone as a spiritual partner and make the energetic heart-genital connection happen. And although I'm very sex positive and horny a lot, I'm not an easy going, friends with benefits, sort of woman--even though I have gone that route a couple of times and it was fun. Mostly I've been quite picky when it comes to sex partners--not purposely really, it's just that I'm sexually attracted to very few men.  What I've learned about myself is that I need to trust someone and my heart needs to be very open to loving them in order for my yoni to want to open and receive them as a lover.  Sharing myself sexually is a spiritual gift, given freely from my heart when the love is there, and when I feel safe that I will be cared for in what I know to be an emotionally and physically vulnerable space for me.  It's not that I'm a particularly high maintenance lover either because basically I'm pretty easy going--but it's true that I do have issues of abandonment.  Sex and unconditional love make a sweet partnership for me because it's a piercing that plunges into the depth of my being.

Pleasure--by Shewhobehot's Disciple

I was christened with the name SheWhoBeHot by Rob Brezsny. My friend wrote this in 2002.

I got asked to write about pleasure, so being a thorough person, I did lots of research on the subject by talking about, dreaming about, fantasizing about and making pleasure with a variety of partners in order to do justice to the topic. What is pleasure? It can be so clear; at moments it's an excruciating ache of desire, the wanting of someone that is so potent I can do nothing but move restlessly about until I am with him. To be near a man, to feel wanted, to see his eyes soften as he looks at my body, that is a delicious pleasure. There are other times where I can't connect--the timing is off. I can't find my own or another's rhythm and no matter what I think I want it isn't going to happen. This is rare and usually linked to tiredness or having something on my mind that I can't express yet.

One of my lovers said to me that nothing beats his fantasies; we were a part of a foursome at the time, and we were all telling each other, during our more cogent moments, about what turned us one. I was taking sips of water from a glass he was holding for me and with my mouth full and wet, was lovingly and slowly sucking his cock, so go figure. He must have very potent fantasies. In fairness, I know that there are moments when I am pleasuring myself that my visions of what I want to have happen to my body are so specific and fully imagined that I am not sure that a real person could measure up.

Several weeks ago I was at an event where I saw another lover--it was his birthday and I hadn't had the time to find a gift for him, so as I kissed him hello, amidst the streams of people coming into the bar, I whispered to him that I hadn't gotten him a card or present so he'd just have to settle for a blow job later. I smiled sweetly, and spent the rest of the evening in a heightened state of pleasurable anticipation. He was in the band we were all gathered to dance to; and there were moments where I was able to catch his eye and mouth a silent reminder not to forget his present. He would flush and grin and I would dance away deeply excited and happy to be offering such a great guy something racy and hot and sexy.

I have the very good fortune to be in a triad with my best friend and her husband. I love them both very much. My love for them is not predicated on being physical lovers, rather it has to do with the way that we hold each other's spiritual and emotional evolution as the most dear and precious thing. I have felt blessed to be able to witness sexual love between the people I love best in the world. I feel that I have been in the presence of God and Goddess, sun and moon, earth and rain at the moment they join and become one. I have watched their faces innumerable times as they reach orgasm, and seen the beautiful vulnerability wash across their features like the shadows of clouds racing across a field. I have had the experience of being on top of a man that I adore, riding him as hard as I can and gazing into the eyes of my best friend while she watches me dissolve into my own orgasm, smiling at me and urging me on. Moments where I have been so opened, where I have been torn apart by what I need; when I am speaking unspeakable words because my body is insatiable and needs to be bruised and pounded and bitten and ravaged all in front of two people, not one. Expressing my sexuality in the context of including the feelings and gazes of a third and sometimes fourth person has changed me permanently. I have grown so aware of the ways that I have judged myself. Where I have felt undeserving of pleasure in the past because I was not thin enough or tall enough or tan enough or pretty in the right way. I know now that all of my fears are projections. It is hard to hang onto feeling insecure for long when there is more than one other person present who is happy for my pleasure and who is expanding too because of it. Something gave way in me and I am dedicated to my pleasure in ways that I did not think were possible in the past.

I was with a lover not long ago, lying under him on his bed, both of us fully clothed, and kissing deeply. We were playing a repeating game, like we were in high school and not going to get naked and fuck. Kissing him took on a mythic quality, how much sexual energy can be channeled into the mouth from the dull shock of genitals muffled by layers of cloth. The feeling of my own flesh contained and constrained by denim and seams made me feel crazed with lust. At that moment he looked at me not knowing what do do with all the energy either. I don't know what it was but he grabbed my throat with one hand, really hard so that I could not breath. I was staring at him as well, and I knew even as my body wanted to respond with panic that I was not in danger. I felt overwhelming trust and in that second of knowing how deeply I trusted him, I had the most explosive orgasm. My body was entirely in his keeping--there was no where to go but into ecstasy. I loved that feeling of abandoning myself to waves of love, the electric energetic language that I have always known how to speak except I can only really remember how at certain moments of my life.

I am on a quest. I want to have sex with friends. I love knowing that someone I am with likes me and opens to the joy of being pleased by me because I like them and want them to be happy. My heart is open and my request of those I undress for and play with is so simple. That they should want me, like me and feel glad that I am there. It seems so easy. Sometimes it is, and when it is--it's not the friction of two bodies that brings so much joy--but the simple and direct meeting of two hearts and minds that adds so much depth to the pleasure. I know what it feels like to be with someone who cannot accept my gifts, it's because their heart is closed in some deep and very sad way to self love. I was in that place myself for many years, looking outside of me for someone to fix my hurt places. I finally fixed myself by choosing to court pleasure. I have become dedicated to allowing myself to feel and express the pleasure that is intrinsic to my being. Once I decided to open to loving myself in this way, my experiences have brought me so many opportunities to heal myself of what I once believed to be permanent damage. My body and heart are an eve growing vessel for the expression and creation of pleasure. I wish this for everyone.

Maiden, Mother, Cougar, Crone

Maiden, Mother, Cougar, Crone

Let me back up.

The Triple Goddess--Maiden, Mother, Crone, corresponds to the three phases of a woman's life.

The Maiden represents the first stage of a girl's life. Youth, purity, independence, courage, and the innocence of virginity are qualities possessed by the maiden.

The Mother represents a young woman who has reached puberty. She is fertile and possesses a hot, fiery sexuality. She is in a cycle of growth and ripeness. She holds a lot of power in her position of giving life and protecting her young.

The Crone represents an elderly woman in the last phase of her life. She is wise, full of experience and adds immense value to her family and community as she transforms all her experiences in the journey towards death.

But wait, something is missing...like a whole phase of a woman's life! And this isn't a short inconspicuous phase either--it could encompass 30 years or more (let's say ages 45-75). One particular woman in her 70's comes to mind and she is one hot, sexy...cougar!

Yes, I am aware that some woman take issue with this label. The cougar has been so bastardized that we've learned to shun her. (I'm reminded that bastard is a word I'd like to reclaim but I'm getting ahead of myself in more ways than one.) The word cougar has become almost a synonym for "pathetic"--as in pathetic older woman, desperately holding on to her youth without the grace to know it's time to let go (of sex) and fade into the woodwork--or sink into her rocking chair with her knitting and grandchildren. Please, I've nothing against grandchildren (or knitting). They are both glorious. But not the point here.

The words of Laurel Thatcher Ulrich come to mind,

"Well behaved women rarely make history."

Or one might say that well behaved women rarely get fucked." Excuse me, I digress. Cougar has entered the room and we shrink from her. If we don't shrink from her we at least shrink from the mass medias portrayal of her and the label--uttered with disdain, "Cougar!"

But I'm on a mission to take ownership of the Cougar label--much in the same way that Eve Ensler (Vagina Monologues) reclaimed the word cunt, which has been considered one of the ultimate insults. When this one-woman performance turned into an Valentine's Day ensemble, (originally with such well know performers as Glenn Close, Susan Sarandon, Whoopi Goldberg, Winona Ryder, etc.,) Glenn Close didn't think she could bring herself to say the "c" word. But she did and Eve has created an army of dedicated, and devoted cunt converts who have open and frank discussions about their cunts.

Cunt. Pussy. Vagina. Twat. CootchiSnortcher. Pal. Peach. Down there.

Eve said, "I was worried about what we think about vaginas, and even more worried that we don't think about them. . . There's so much darkness and secrecy surrounding them--like the Bermuda Triangle. Nobody ever reports back from there." Speaking these words and the stories that evolve around them has created healing in the lives of both women and men and I think talking about Cougars has the potential to do the same.

I'm was worried that we aren't thinking, or at least not thinking enough, talking more, and taking significant action to help reclaim this "invisible" phase of a woman's life. But I've discovered that lots of women are thinking about it, and talking more about it too. A few weeks ago a friend told me that her goal for 2010 was to become a Cougar. I responded with a resounding, "Yes! We need to start a Cougar club!" And that's when Cougar stepped into her rightful place between the mother and the crone.

Maiden, Mother, Cougar, Crone

So what exactly does the Cougar phase represent? It's obviously going to be somewhat different for each woman as our experiences throughout life are so varied. And just like some women have extended (or shortened) maiden and/or mother phases, some will have extended or shortened cougar and/or crone phases. But here are my ideas, and my personal experience.

Today's women (I'm speaking of my contemporaries here--educated; living in first world countries; independent, free thinkers) are living very different lives than women from previous generations when the triple goddess concept was perhaps better suited to the actual history of women. Comparatively speaking, we live lives of luxury and abundance. We have indoor plumbing and machines (washing machines for instance--I have a friend who has a whole theory on this) that do much of what was once strenuous physical labor. We have knowledge of and access to nutritious food and exercise. We have birth control that has freed our bodies from the "sex=continuous reproduction" equation. Women can now enjoy sex for the sake of pleasure alone without it resulting in pregnancy. Even with my own choice of birthing so many children, I was 50 years old when my sixth and youngest child turned 18. When women today are faced with an empty nest, they are often more interested in fucking on the dining room table than knitting in their rocking chairs and sharing wisdom. I sure am. Truthfully I want to fuck just about everywhere, plus knit, and share wisdom. Why limit myself? These phases are very fluid and while I'm still somewhat engaged in being a mother to my grown children (and being a grandmother) I personally experience the Cougar phase as a return to--a reclaiming of sorts, of my maiden self--with more experience and wisdom to appreciate it. I might have more sag and bag, wrinkles and fat to contend with but that's where grace comes in. There is a lot of lifespan left to embody Cougar wisdom.

So,what is a Cougar? First off I want to say what a Cougar is not. Being a Cougar is not all about preying on younger men. In fact, being a Cougar really has nothing whatsoever to do with wanting a younger man/men. But then again, it just might. Thing is, it's an option. The Cougar knows she could go after a younger man, (any man for that matter) and that if she chooses to do so, she could take him to her bed and give him the ride of his ever so lucky life. And for any woman who chooses to do that, I say more power to her. I support that. I support whatever a woman chooses to do with the power and wisdom of her sexuality and being a Cougar is about being in touch with that. And if being celibate in her Cougarhood is right for a woman, kudos to her for knowing that that is her power medicine and taking it.

Cougars aren't desperate. Nor are they trying to be sexy. Cougars are sexy and they know it.

Veronica Monet recently posted a question on facebook asking people to share the shamanic meaning of Cougar. That question moved me into the shadows of my middle age. One of my shadows is the struggle with my body image. With peri-menopause encouraging my body to hold on to fat as its most valued commodity, I'm currently struggling with trying to be comfortable in and liking my body regardless. Extra fat along with all the other natural signs of the wear and tear of aging are difficult to cope with. Especially when these are coupled with a strong desire to express myself as a sexual being. I want my old body back. A return of my once thin and supple body with its smooth skin sans wrinkles. I once thought I would accept this aging process more easily, gracefully, but I admit it's a struggle. I'm making a connection with my struggle to age gracefully with my lack of connection to Cougar wisdom.

The film Cheri comes to mind. I saw it back in August. Now she was a Cougar! Cheri, set in late 19th Century France, is the story of Lea, a renowned and aging courtesan living in luxury who is contemplating retiring. Cheri, a spoiled young 19 year old, is set up by his mother to become Lea's lover, in the hope that she can teach him about women and help him mature. Their affair begins, they struggle with one another, eventually falling deeply in love and spending many years together. Ultimately though, Cheri is married off to a young woman, his social equal, a suitable mother for his children. They are both devastated by the turn of events and the story has a very tragic ending. Their lives were eventually ruined by their inability to conceive of a plan that would facilitate their love while also allowing them to pursue the necessities of their separate journeys. Nor could either of them conceive of happiness without the other. At her age, Lea could not offer Cheri all he needed and yet, indeed he needed her. Their souls were mated. Like I said, it was a tragic ending. So stupid. So sad. I wanted polyamory to come to the rescue. Hello.

So this missing phase...Gillette has written about Jung's Quaternary Theory. My extremely limited understanding of this theory is about how it relates to an imbalance of the Trilogy and how our psyche seeks the balance of the Quaternary. Without this balance, the fourth aspect becomes part of the shadow and is demonized until it is fully integrated. In the Christian tradition, the Devil is the missing fourth aspect of the trilogy--Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Gillette goes on to wonder if the sensual older woman, the Cougar if you will, is the demonized fourth aspect of the maiden, mother, crone trilogy.

In another post Gillette says,

"We no longer have children to take care of 24/7. We don't have to worry about becoming pregnant. We are free in ways we've never been. We're (probably) more self-empowered than we've ever been. We're wiser, more experienced, more centered in ourselves. We're probably happier than we were when we were younger because of those freedoms and awarenesses. All our experience makes us better lovers than our younger selves. And yet, we're supposed to cut this most basic aspect of ourselves "off" because society no longer thinks it appropriate for those our age to want sex? Could it be that the juicy, sensual, sexual women past her culturally acceptable version of "sexy" is scary in her freedom from cultural constraints? What, oh what do we do with The Wild Women who refuses to go down?

The news is that we aren't "trying" to be sexy...we ARE. Our partners know this. We know this. We women of this certain age at this certain time are changing the definition of who we "are" as we age. The movie was set during the late 19th century. Lea was a sexy, sensual women in her 50's in the film. And an outcast living on the edge as she had always done as a Courtesan. Once you are an outcast, you have little to lose, nothing to conform to. I think it's time to integrate ourselves as sensual women instead of being outcasts any longer."

This concept of "outcast" speaks to me. It relates to my struggle in attempting to age gracefully. It's a displacement of sorts that Gillette seems to speak to. The "juicy, sensual, sexual women past her culturally acceptable version of "sexy"..." Here I am--feeling oh so juicy and sexy and beautiful in the midst of my aging body and I may be confused at times and not always in touch with my beauty but I do know that I'm damn wet and not willing to submit myself to the phase of the crone. Not yet. After I dry out a bit.

Maiden, Mother, Cougar, Crone

Maiden represents the first stage of a girl's life. Youth, purity, independence, courage, and the innocence of virginity are qualities possessed by the maiden.

Mother represents a young woman who has reached puberty. She is fertile and possesses a hot, fiery sexuality. She is in a cycle of growth and ripeness. She holds a lot of power in her position of giving life and protecting her young.

Cougar represents a middle aged woman in the prime of her independence. She still possesses the hot, fiery, sexuality of the mother but is no longer fertile which frees her sexual encounters to be for pure pleasure without fear of pregnancy. She uses her power without ego and pursues her desires with gentle assertiveness, self-confidence and the strength of grace. Her actions are free of guilt, her heart is pure and on purpose. She is balanced in body, mind and spirit.

Crone represents an elderly woman in the last phase of her life. She is wise, full of experience and adds immense value to her family and community as she integrates and transforms all her experiences into the journey towards death.

A Landmark Year

I'm realizing that this has been a landmark year for polyamory in our lives. H and I are celebrating our 16th/13th anniversary in October. Sixteen years since we first dated and fell in love, and thirteen years married. We got engaged one year in. I wanted to behave responsibly for once and I liked calling him my fiance.

We always said we wanted a sexually open relationship but we fell into monogamy by default. We met and fell in love fast and deep. We were extremely busy getting to know one another, bonding, playing, working, raising kids, and having great sex, that we didn't have time for other lovers. But we talked a lot and knew that theoretically at least, we were not sexually exclusive with one another. And as the date of our actual marriage grew closer, we talked more about how we might handle our commitment to being sexually open.

So three years from when we met and fell in love we were married and then fast forward another 3 years to when we threw theory out the window and started practically applying polyamory. That was a little over 10 years ago and we had been together for almost 6 years. Fast forward another 10 years...

Besides a few, fun, loving, sexual encounters with friends here and there along the way, H. and I experienced a 5 year sexually loving relationship with one of my best friends. We were a happy little triad until we weren't. During this same time I fell in love with a young woman, a lesbian, who didn't know what to do with the fact that I had a husband. Our affair was brief and intense and never physically consummated. I had also fallen in-love with Lover Who is Not My Lover and had an on-going, complicated, sexually charged, but basically non physical relationship with him for a little over 4 years. After a long dry spell for both H. and myself, M. came along and she and H. have now been lovers for over a year and a half. I met Lover Who Is My Lover two years ago and we've been dating sexually for a year now come October.

This has been the first year of H.'s and my life together where we've both have had other significant lovers on a regular basis and from both of our perspectives, it's been good for us. It hasn't always been easy. Things aren't perfect--not exactly the way I, or he, would prefer them to be--but to quote myself once again, "We get in relationships, and fall in love with real people, not the made up persona's of our fantasies." I love my boyfriend. He is a good man and a good lover. And his wife is a gem. I love my husband. We've made a sweet life for ourselves. I like who I am, where I am going and what I am doing. I am happy--pretty much--most of the time. And nothing is keeping things from getting better. Lover Who Is Not My Lover is still in my life too and our relationship is sweet and evolving. I feel very blessed to actually be living a polyamorous life. Finally. It's what I've wanted for a very long time. I give thanks.

Women's Sexual Freedom

I've obviously been out of the writing mode. I pushed myself to come into my blog today just to write something. Anything. Okay.

The first thing that comes to mind should be fairly simple to write about--women's sexual freedom. Ha. Simple. Yeah right.

I just watched Deepa Mehta's internationally acclaimed 1996 film, Fire. It made quite the stir in India where fundamentalist Hindu groups attempted to have it banned and did succeed in forcing several movie theatres to close their doors. Mehta received death threats and other actors in the film were also threatened.

Fire is the first in a trilogy of films by Mehta, the other two are Earth and Water. I haven't seen Earth yet but Water was extremely powerful as well and it caused a stir with the right-wingers also.

Fire, places us in the midst of an extended, modern day, urban, Indian family that consists of an elderly invalid mother, her two sons and their wives, all living together under one roof. There is a manservant who also resides in the home who helps with the family's "take out" food business, their video shop, and caring of the mother.

The elder brother, Ashok, is portrayed as a "pious" religious man, devoted to his guru. Because his wife, Radha, is unable to bear him children he has refrained from sex with her for 13 years but forces her to lie next to him while he masturbates. The younger brother, Jutin, secretly rents pornography out of the video store and is devoted to his Chinese lover, to the neglect of his new, young wife, Sita.

The sisters-in-law, strike up a supportive friendship within this unjust and monotonous existence that provides some relief from the obscene and condescending behavior of their respective husbands, a friendship that eventually evolves into sexual love.

The manservant is eventually caught in his nasty little ritual of watching porn and masturbating in front of the bed-ridden mother who is also unable to speak. He is aware of Radha and Sita's love affair and his resentment towards Radha (whose demands that he be forced to leave the house were overruled by her husband) leads him to disclose this information to Ashok. Shamed, Ashok kicks him out of the house and spies on the two women, catching them in bed together. The women decide to leave together and Sita goes first, waiting for Radha, who believes she owes her husband an explanation. Things go poorly between Ashok and Radha and when her sari catches fire in the kitchen he leaves her on her own to be enveloped by the flames.

The religious and cultural significance of this act is immense. Agni (fire) bears witness to the chastity of Hindu women and has been left to decide the fate of women in literal "trials by fire" since time immemorial. In a ritual called Agni Pariksha, women are forced into a fire. If she burns, it proves her guilt. If she emerges unharmed, she is innocence (chaste). This reminds me of the Salem witch trials (although the verdicts are reversed) which forced the accused woman into a lake. If the water refused her and she floated, she was deemed guilty. If she drowned, her death proved her innocence. In Fire, Agni bestows his mercy on Radha, deeming her innocence by releasing her from his flames and she escapes to meet her lover Sita. No wonder this infuriates the homophobic, sexually repressed religious right. Their God has now been portrayed as condoning homosexuality. The realistic portrayal of traditional, yet abusive relationships such as these that Radha and Sita were suffering from are considered more acceptable than the unconventional love and reprieve they found in each other's arms and hearts. In the end, even though Radha emerges from the flames unscathed, the viewer is left to wonder what will become of these two women left on their own in this culture. Their path won't be easy.

Is the path ever easy for a woman's sexual freedom? Even in this culture from which I have emerged? American culture is also sexually repressed and women have been raised to cow tow to the unenlightened needs of their men. Not that women's perceived needs are anymore enlightened. I view traditional, unquestioned, monogamous relationships as a symptom of this malady.

A friend recently mentioned that she thinks I don't respect monogamous relationships. I admitted that generally speaking, no I don't. That doesn't mean that I don't respect a person's choice to be monogamous. I've written before about many "valid" reasons as to why a person may choice monogamy. And I myself am certainly not the one to decide what reasons may or may not be valid--except for myself of course.

My friend also mentioned that she didn't think that monogamy and sexual freedom were necessarily mutually exclusive. I agree. But there is one particular situation that strikes me as clearly not a choice that leads to a woman's sexual freedom. Although there may be many "valid" reasons as to why a woman (or man) may choose monogamy, the threat of her partner ending their relationship if she chooses to have sex with another, is not a "valid" reason--in regards to sexual freedom. Of course she has every right to make this choice and I can most certainly respect that choice. What I am unable to support or respect is the notion that this choice is not a surrender of her sexual freedom. It is a choice that supports his fear of her sexual freedom, along with her fear of losing him. I'm just calling a spade a spade, not judging the rightness or wrongness of this choice.

Still Juicy

Back from Juicy Women.

Molly likes to stretch out on her yoga ball. She loves the way it opens her yoni. The other day while she was stretching her husband came over and started eating her pussy as she rocked back and forth. They enjoyed this for a good long time and then just as they started fucking a friend showed up at their front door--which they had left open, seeing that they hadn't planned on having sex and weren't expecting any visitors! Molly was mostly out of view although her husband was not after he dropped down, allowing his shirt to cover his genitals. He smiled and said hello to the friend as she returned his greeting and explained she was just picking something up and was quickly on her way.

Lena has been feeling intense sadness, isolation and loneliness. As she told us her story we witnessed her pain and held her in our hearts. By the time group was over she felt much more connected and happy.

Rosemary is on a pretty even keel. She's happy and content with her husband...mostly. She's happy and content with her lover...mostly. She'd like more contact with her lover. More time to relax into their relationship and more time to relax into sex. When they finally do spend time together she is just starting to open up to herself about the same time they are saying good-bye. This makes her edgy and this edginess spills over and interferes with her sexual availability with her husband.

Randi is back, once again with her married lover. They keep breaking up and getting back together, breaking up and getting back together...They are totally in-love and caught up in New Relationship Energy. They are having sex just about everyday and she is having the most incredible orgasms of her life. They want to be together but he doesn't want to deal with the pain of breaking up his 30+ year marriage and all the social consequences he will suffer. Randi is willing to have a polyamorous relationship with him but he can't imagine that. This leaves them sneaking around and cheating.

Pema is still with her guy. Loving him. Confused about where it is all going. Not having her needs met sexually as she is still choosing to be monogamous with him although they are living many hours apart and hardly ever see each other...not that he meets her needs sexually when they are together. She's tired of putting energy out for others, drained, needing to be rejuvenated, loved, filled.

Ana is still in love with her long distance guy and slowly letting him go. He isn't ready to commit to the intensity of their love affair, plus he has an intense sexual issue that he has no clue how to deal with and the timing is simply not good for them to be connecting on a frequent and intimate basis. She is sad over this but is enjoying her life full on. She has another lover who is in a committed relationship with a woman who won't have sex with him so he and Ana are taking their sexual pleasure with each other. She says he is a really nice man who has an awesome cock and beautiful body but that she still needs to teach him a few things about pleasing her.

It Takes A Village

"The secret to a happy marriage is that you have to fuck a lot of other people. It takes a village."

Margaret Cho: Beautiful

Drunk More With Love Than With Wine

From the last chapter of Outlander by Diana Gabaldon

The intrusion was startling. Hot and slippery as our skins were, we drifted over each other with barely a sensation of touching or pressure, but his presence within me was solid and intimate, a fixed point in a watery world, like an umbilical cord in the random driftings of the womb. I made a brief sound of surprise at the small inrush of hot water that accompanied his entrance, then settled firmly onto my fixed point of reference with a little sigh of pleasure...

"Not yet. We've time. And I mean to hear ye groan like that again. And to moan and sob, even though you dinna wish to, for ye canna help it. I mean to make you sigh as though your heart would break, and scream with the wanting, and at last to cry out in my arms, and I shall know that I've served ye well."...

The rush began between my thighs, shooting like a dart into the depths of my belly, loosening my joints so that my hands slipped limp and helpless off his shoulders. My back arched and the slippery, firm roundness of my breasts pressed flat against his chest. I shuddered in hot darkness, Jamie's steadying hands all that kept me from drowning...

"No," I said. "Jamie, no. I can' bear it like that again." The blood was still pounding in my fingertips and his movement within me was an exquisite torture.
"You can, for I love ye." His voice was half-muffled in my soaking hair. "And you will, for I want ye. But this time, I go wi' you."
He held my hips firm against him, carryng me beyond myself with the force of an undertow. I crashed formless against him, like breakers on a rock, and he met me with the brutal force of granite, my anchor in the pounding chaos.
Boneless and liquid as the water around us, contained only by the frame of his hands, I cried out, the soft, bubbling half-chocked cry of a sailor sucked beneath the waves. And heard his own cry, helpless in return, and knew I had served him well...

...giggling helplessly, drunk more with love than with wine, we made our way side by side, on hands and knees up the second flight of steps, hindering each other more than helping, jostling and caroming softly off each other in the narrow space, until we collapsed at last in each other's arms on the second landing.

Making Love

How she likes to make love.
A piece by Mistress Matisse.

The Slippery Cleft

Oh fuck. Finally. I've been waiting for this.

In answer, I put my hands behind his neck and pulled him down on top of me. I guided him to the slippery cleft between my legs. "Holy God," said James Fraser, who never took the name of his Lord in vain. "Don't stop now," I said.
--From the Outlander.

Yeah, what are you thinking? Don't stop now.

Sexual Boredom

A friend called today and asked me to talk to him about my experience with boredom in sexual relationships and if I thought polyamory could serve as a release valve of sorts, such as the little gizmo in the top of a pressure cooker that releases the built up pressure. As if having more than one lover could serve as stress relief for the primary relationship. I told him, I thought so, yes.

I think this is one of the benefits of polyamory--of having more than one outlet to express one's sexuality. Especially for people who have high libidos and/or who like to engage in a variety of sexual practices that perhaps don't match up to their partner's. Even people with pretty mild sexual interests and middle of the road sexual drive can tend to get bored with just one sexual partner, even when they are still deeply in love with that person and enjoy a fine sex life with them. This is pretty common actually.

My friend has been in his monogamous marriage for several years. He loves his wife and tells me that they have some decently hot sexual encounters, fairly frequently. Even so, he is starting to get bored because not only is her libido not as strong as his, she isn't as adventurous in bed as he is and she has no interest in going to the places he would like to explore. He has talked to her about his craving for more variety and his desire to open up their relationship but this upsets her to no end and she will have none of it. He doesn't want to cheat on her, or get a divorce. He loves her, enjoys having sex with her, but he is starting to feel confined, bored, and resentful.

I hate the way the monogamous mindset holds a partner sexually captive. And I hate to be cliche here, but who likes to eat the exact same type of food everyday? For most people, that would get very boring very quickly. Monotony sets in and people can start taking each other for granted when things don't get stirred up a bit. The stability of some routine in our lives is comforting and necessary for our mental, emotional and physical health, but also, and please excuse another hackneyed phrase--variety is the spice of life. More than one significant other in our life offers cross pollination. They make life more exciting and more than that, they make us more exciting as individuals. We learn more, grow more, and love more. Different lovers teach us to love differently. And we in turn pass on some of this different loving to our other partner. There doesn't have to be anything "wrong" with one partner/relationship for another partner/relationship to be "right." They can both be right. They can both be beautiful, sexy, enjoyable, special, worthy of our time and love.

So back to this release valve metaphor--having more than one lover can certainly serve to relieve pressure in a relationship because one person doesn't have to be all and do all for you. Having more than one lover tends to encourage more acceptance in each person as an individual with diverse needs, desires, and ways of being in the world. There is no need to focus on some specific lack with one partner/relationship because where one partner doesn't cover it for you, another may provide.

You've heard the saying, it takes a village? What if it takes a bouquet of lovers?

You want to know how it will be,
Me and her, or you and me.
You both sit there, your long hair flowing,
Eyes alive, your mind still growing,
Saying to me: What can we do,
Now that we both love you?
I love you too. I don't really see,
Why can't we go on as three?
"Triad" by David Crosby

Seattle Erotic Art Festival (SEAF)

Check out this video that Mistress Matisse posted today--footage from Seattle Erotic Art Festival. It's very...well, erotic!

Pretty Pretty Good

Originally sent circa 1650.

Snakes and Safer Sex

Here is a link to click on to read about safer sex.

I've been thinking about safer sex and what that means. Obviously the safest sex one can have is with oneself. The next safest sex would be sex within a monogamous relationship between two people or within a closed poly-fidelitous group of folks who only have sex with each other. Assuming of course that in each of these situations everyone has been tested for the gamut of possible sexually transmitted diseases and that their test results have all come back negative. Oh, and that everyone can be trusted to be keeping their safer sex agreements.

Another reasonable (in my own personal opinion of course) safer sex agreement is to have a core group of people whom you trust, who have all been tested to be free of disease, who are fluid bonded with someone (s) within that core group and who practice safer sex protection outside of that circle should they decide to have sex with anyone else. Of course, this all depends on good communication skills and honesty. And hopefully we have these things with the people we are having sex with. Not a bad idea.

One thing that complicates this arrangement is that I may know and trust my lovers, and even know and trust my lover's lovers, but when the array of lovers starts stretching out ad infinitum, how far is it reasonable to trust? I tend to be a pretty trusting person and I think I'm fairly reasonable also...

I was walking by the creek today in a rattlesnake infested area. It's a beautiful area and I'm not willing to forsake the pleasure I receive when I visit there even though I have a fairly intense fear of snakes. There have been times when I do forgo this creek side experience because my fear is up so great...like for awhile after almost stepping on a big rattler lying in the middle of the path. But eventually I always return.

I've been contemplating this whole safer sex issue, and today as I came upon the creek and the possible snakes lying in wait, I was enlightened with the similarities of the potential of encountering a snake and contracting a sexually transmitted disease. The risks are definitely real in both cases. There are rattlesnakes down at the creek. I've seen them myself and there are warning signs telling me to beware. My fear of snakes is far greater than my fear of STDs.

I've taught safer sex practices professionally so I know the risks (but I also hold other non-traditional views of disease and the world.) That was many years ago when I worked with many HIV positive and intravenous drug using folks. And some of the information available has changed but it's mostly the same. I could brush up on all the stats but I'm thinking I'm fairly educated on the actual behavior that increases/decreases one's risk of contracting an STD. It's not a good idea to have unprotected sex with an intravenous drug user and obviously, if you don't know the person you're having sex with then you have no clue what they may be up to. That's not all there is to it but it's a good starting place.

But where to go after the obvious basics have been covered can be nebulous and confusing. If people weren't attached to having bareback sex and being fluid bonded with their lovers, this wouldn't be a big deal. Everyone could just use condoms and dental dams and stop all the worry. But this is not the case. So where to go, where to go?

I'm still walking down by the creek. I know I'm taking a risk that I will get bitten by a snake. How big is the risk? Mathematically speaking I have no clue of the stats. I tend to think that my fear of snakes draws the opportunity closer. That's a scary thought so try to counteract my fear with other thoughts and emotions while I'm down in occupied territory. I'm not willing to give up my creek side walking pleasure.

I'm generally not a very fearful person and I don't tend to worry about contracting an STD. I'm also not having sex (let alone unprotected sex) with strangers and/or intravenous drug users. That's a good start. I do take other precautions too. Are they enough?

Don't Stick It In Crazy

I was reading somewhere and found a reference to and article written my Mistress Matisse for the Stranger's Control Tower and Kink Calendar back in 2006. It's titled What Polyamorous People Should Know.

Also, reading the Mistress today, she linked to an older article she wrote in 2008, offering fairly obvious words of wisdom about how to deal with your kinky desires inside of a vanilla relationship.

Green Porno!

Green Porno!

Isabella Rossellini has created these incredible bizarre shorts of sex in the natural world. There are a total of 14 altogether. Be sure to watch both Porno 1 and Porno 2.

These would be a perfect introduction to sex education in our schools for grammar school aged kids. Totally awesome and hilarious. Click here to watch.

Sadistic Love

I'm loving Mistress Matisse's new article in The Stranger's Control Tower. It's called Hurt the Ones You Love. So if a little sadistic love suits your fancy, go for it.

Vibrators In The Bedroom

Mistress Matisse has a good article out in her Control Tower column from Seattle's alternative paper The Stranger. It's on the use of vibrators in the bedroom and is called No Bad Vibes.

I Yearn For That

Basking in the sweetness.
Remembering
how you fill me.
In my mind.
Over and over again.
I yearn for that.
And breathe it in.
Loving you.
K.