It's Not Always The Case

Wow. I just received an email from an old friend who gave me the link to her daughter's blog site. I can't remember exactly when we first met but it was approximately 30 years ago. I was a midwife at the birth of one of her children. She was/is a lovely person, very different than me but we were Hare Krsna devotees together and we struck up a friendship. I hadn't seen her in years but she looked me up and we've had a few email exchanges. Her family has been traveling around the world--India, England, Belize, Hawaii, etc. and she's been sending me updates.

Anyway, I clicked on the link to her daughter's blog and I read some of the posts and enjoyed the pictures. What's really interesting to me is how close this family seems to be. The kids are all grown and yet they are doing some extensive family traveling together. And they all seem to be very devout Krsna devotees--many of the pictures on the blog made that obvious, down to the ones of the family sitting together with japa bags hanging from their wrists as they complete their daily prayers. The kids are all embracing this lifestyle and it seems to really work for them. They all look very happy and seem reasonably contended with their lives. When they aren't traveling they live in the country, on an orchard, and are very hard working farmers living a fairly austere and religious lifestyle.

I don't know why I'm so struck by all of this right now but I am. I guess it's just that some people don't seem to change much. I mean, life moves on of course... the kids have grown up and my friend and her husband are older. But otherwise so much seems exactly the same. It's so strikingly different than the course I've chosen for my own life, or the path my children have taken. The father of my four middle children is still a Hare Krsna devotee too, immersed in the lifestyle, obviously for life (or so it seems) but none of my children have taken that route and I'm just pondering on this, the different choices we make that I'm supposing are related to our life's purpose.

I'm reminded of some other old Hare Krsna friends that Jerry and I visited several years back. This woman and her husband were very good friends of mine. She and I shared alot, throughout the ten years of our devotee lives together. Before I moved on. At one point we lived together out in the wilderness with some other folks on some land with gardens and goats where we were hoping to establish a spiritual community. We attended each other's home births and nursed one another's babies. When we weren't living in close proximity to each other we visited frequently even when there were hundreds of miles between us. When my spiritually evolved beyond being a Hare Krsna devotee we parted ways, simply losing track of one another over time.

Then, on a trip home, driving north through southern California after a visit to Sin City (Las Vegas), I thought of these old friends, remembering that they had bought some land and had been living in a community up in the mountains, not far from where we were passing through. I called information, got their phone number and shortly we were on our way for a visit. It had been 17 years since I'd seen them last and I was in for an incredible surprise.

They say that everything changes but it just ain't so. As we sat in their living room I was transported back 25 plus years earlier. Their home was exactly the same. Most devotees (at least the ones I knew back in the day) live very austere lives. The atmosphere of their homes are very simple with no furniture except a book shelf for books written (translated) by Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada with a few others on gardening or other practical life skills. In the kitchen, all the cookware and eating utensils are stainless steel and the walls throughout the home are mostly bare, decorated only with a few pictures of Krsna. Religious chants called kirtans are usually playing from a boom box and maybe some incense will be burning on the altar. Deja vue. Not only that, there was a passel of super cute devotee children running all over place and they looked just the same as our little ones did when they were growing up together except the youngest of these were my friends grandchildren rather than their children. Their grown children were around too with their prayer bags covering their hands as they chanted japa. As we drove off after a pleasant visit, I felt like I was driving out of the twilight zone. I could even hear that music playing. (click on You Tube post above)

Wow. I realize that my tendency is to think that as time passes, most people change, just like I have, in a way that is as profound and strikingly obvious as mine but ya know, that just isn't always the case.

Who Am I? (Six) or These Tastes Of The Divine

What on earth is going
on in Australia? Is
ConFest anything like
Burningman?

There seems to be
a strong connection
between spirituality
and sexually over in
them there woods.
It's just that I'm on this
spiritual/enlightenment
forum with all these
folks from there and
there is sure a lot of
mention about sexual
energy in a way which
is very different than
most spiritual groups
I am aware of.  Am I
reading more into their
comments than is really
there, projecting my own
desires and making meaning where there is none?
Or making A LOT of meaning when there is only a
little?

Ok, I looked ConFest up on Wikipedia and here's
what I found.

Who is this that is making the meaning?  Who is this that fears her thoughts?
It's not that I don't get the connection between sex and enlightenment because
quite frankly, that is a huge part of my path at this time in my life.  But
there seems to be a whole community of "dyading tantrikas" over there, people
who are not afraid of their sexuality--or at least those who are confronting
their sexual energy and are willing to experience the truth of it.

I often feel so isolated in my openness, in my quest for like minded others who
are actually interested in sex as a spiritual path and who are willing to jump
on board for the ride of their lives--opening themselves to experiencing the
truth of sex and love and living in relationship with others.  So many others
here in my hometown, in my little universe, seem so repressed in their sexuality
and relationship styles.  Although I am happy to announce that I have recently
been opening to allow myself to come into contact with more interesting
individuals who are wanting more openness, intimacy and sexual truth in their
lives. And, I'm so happy that my private practice is filling up with these types
of folks also.  I committed awhile back to serving this population and they are
seeking me out and finding me.

I don't hide my path from others and I'm blessed with many good friends who are
beautiful people who accept me to the best of their ability.  I do feel loved.
And yet why is most everyone in my life so hopelessly monogamous?  And I'm not
just speaking about monogamy as to who people are fucking although that is of
course what it means. As I use the M word, I realize that I mean it as
pertaining to a whole lifestyle, a mindset and general way of functioning in the
world.  People tend to be so exclusive with their hearts and their sexuality.
So much privacy and closure.  So much fear, or at least a complacency to live in
a relational box.

I don't mean to get into other people's business and judge their path. We've all
got to find our way and my way isn't necessarily the right way for Another. It's
just that I get lonely sometimes.  A lot of the times. I so appreciate my husband,
along with several sweet friends, my juicy womens' group--all who share so much
openness and truth with me.  I am finding many who are opening to this adventure
of experiencing more than one sexually loving relationship simultaneously, and
that warms my heart and excites my sexual energy center.

How can I express my gratitude?  How can I explain how intertwined my sexuality
and chosen style of creating relationships is with my spiritual path?  I ramble
on and yet...this is so big for me.  My heart throbs and bursts open.  I feel the
energy swirling in my chest and solar plexus.  I yearn for the sweet presence of
Self as I meet the sweet presence of Another.  Sometimes I can hardly stand the
separation until we meet again.  Until we have the opportunity to gaze into one
another's eyes and meet, soul to soul.  I yearn for this.  I seek this always.
And it's only grace that allows me these moments, these tastes of the divine.
This is nothing about sex and everything about sex.

Knowing The Truth

I've been reading this book called, The Spiritual Path--Buddha Zen Tao Tantra by Osho. This quote is on the cover:

"Truth surrounds you. It is in the air, it is in the fragrance of the flowers, it is in the flow of the river, it is in the green leaves, it is in the stars, it is in the dust. It is in you."

Osho says that the word buddha means "awakened intelligence" and that the word buddhi, "intellect," comes from the same root word, budh and that there are at least five meanings to this word. One of the meanings of budh, or intelligence, is to know, to understand that which is. He explains the difference between understanding something, knowing it, and having knowledge or information about it. An intelligent person doesn't care so much about knowledge but wants to understand, to know something. First hand knowing is for the adventurous, those who are willing to move into the unknown. Secondhand knowledge makes your memory bigger but not your intelligence.

I think what Osho is talking about here is having a direct experience of the truth. This is what the Enlightenment Intensives with their dyad contemplation and communication technique are all about--intending to have a direct experience of the truth, or a direct knowing of the truth. This is called a breakthrough to enlightenment.
Osha tells this story:

A woman bought a tin of fruit but she could not open the tin. She did not know how to open it, so she rushed to her study to look in a cookbook. By the time she looked in the book and found the page and reference, and came rushing back ready to open the tin, the servant had already opened it. She asked, "But how did you do it?" The servant said, "Madam, when yo can't read, you have to use your mind."

There is something very important for me in this story. I tend to often depend on other things, seeking here and there for all sorts of tools to aid me while my mind sits idle.

The Essential Core Of Human Consciousness

Osho, Book of Wisdom

Man's greatest longing is for freedom. Man is a longing for freedom. Freedom is the very essential core of human consciousness: Love is its circumference and freedom is its center. These two fulfilled, life has no regret. And they both are fulfilled together, never separately.

People have tried to fulfill love without freedom. Then love brings more and more misery, more and more bondage. Then love is not what one has expected it to be; it turns out just the opposite. It shatters all hopes, it destroys all expectations, and life becomes a wasteland, a groping in darkness and never finding the door.

Love without freedom naturally tends to be possessive. And the moment possessiveness enters in, you start creating bondage for others and bondage for yourself, because you cannot possess somebody without being possed by him. You cannot make somebody a slave without becoming a slave yourself. Whatsoever you do to others is done to you.

This is the basic principal to be understood, that love without freedom never brings fulfillment.

And there have been people who have tried the other extreme, freedom without love. These are the monks, the escapists, the people who renounce the world. Afraid of love, afraid of love because it brings bondage, they renounce all the situations where love can flow, grow, can happen, is possible. They escape into loneliness. Their loneliness never becomes aloneness, it remains loneliness. And loneliness is a negative state; it is utterly empty, it is sad.

I get what Osho says here, no problem but I still don't get why with love as the center and freedom the circumference, that would be a co-dependent relationship (I'm referring to my previous post here.) And maybe Osho is right, that man's (or woman's), or let's say, the greatest human longing is freedom that it is the essential core of human consciousness. I have respect for Osho and I'm assuming that he knows this experience directly. I certainly long for freedom. And yet, I long for love too so what if I were to say that the greatest human longing is love, that it is the essential core of human consciousness? I've had direct experiences of love--but I'm not sure if it was the center or the circumference. Love or Freedom. Interesting stuff though and I'll be contemplating this more. I think I'll write a friend of mine who has been working on the question What Is Freedom? at Enlightenment Intensives and see if he can offer me some insight.

Onward

So onward with this process of integration. Basically I'm just being more mindful. Nothing is much different really except I feel different. Lighter.

I am lighter too. I've been losing some weight, not lots but probably dropping a pound or two a week. I'm eating way different and my body is enjoying it. I was carrying 10 extra pounds for a year and then another 10 on top of that for another year and my body wasn't liking being that heavy. None of my clothes fit me and that's been a bummer.

But this lighter feeling I'm talking about isn't really about my weight. Dropping the weight is nice but my psyche feels lighter, my mind more at ease, my ego calm (relatively speaking) and my body moving more energy through it. I'm wanting to breathe my body more and do more yoga, opening those stuck places. My stomach is enjoying being fairly empty for a good portion of the day but also enjoying food and then feeling satisfied when full, but not too full when it's been hungry and then well fed.

I'm called to clean and declutter my house and I'm doing more of that, bit by bit.

I'm feeling pulled to peace. There is a peaceful warrior inside of me that is rebelling for peace. A peace rebel. My ego is bumping against this in defiance but it's not an all out war, just a mild resistance, a testing. It's almost as if my ego is feeling safer, more at ease. Taken care of, like a child who is contained by appropriate boundaries.

I feel good. I feel strange in a mellow sort of way. I'm not pushing myself to "be good" or "do better", I'm just being more mindful of my inner urgings and making more conscious choices.

When we stop running away from what presents itself in each moment, our loving
care for ourselves and one another can flow unimpeded.--Jack Kornfield

Ideas For Facilitating Integration of Body, And Ego With Self

For More Fulfilling Blended Beingness

Body: Experience emptiness. Eat less. Eat well. Yoga. Breathe more. Tantric breath/self pleasuring. Sex. Walk in nature. Massage. Rolfing. Drink water. Dance. Bathe with ritual.

Mind: Meditate. Contemplate. Be mindful. Less rational mental masturbation and more being in the moment with the energy of what is. Mindfulness of thinking, dropping my stories. Experience Emptiness. Segment intending. Organize and declutter. Experience nature.

Ego: Dropping stories that don't serve the peace rebel. Experience emptiness. Segment intending. Connect with others as purpose, creating bridges of friendship. Object of communication is understanding. Be truthful. Be in nature. Be responsible--use my ability to respond.

Self--Who and What I am--What another is--What love is--What life is. Intend to directly experience the truth. All else is false identification with ideas, concepts, memories, emotions, and old unprocessed gunk.

My Dissociative Parts

I want to talk about my parts--my body, mind and ego along with my true self. But please bear with me while I digress a little into some background on the field of psychology. I'll get to my bits and pieces soon enough.

The field of psychology likes to use labels and create lists of criteria that place people in boxes. The Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders(DSM), published by the American Psychiatric Association is the system that psychotherapists and psychiatrists use to classify and diagnose mental disorders. It is a very pathological oriented tool.

In 1966 the DSM contained 66 disorders with a short list of symptoms and a brief explanation of the believed causes of these disorders. In 1979 the DSM added a diagnostic system of five scales which allows for consideration of different aspects of a person's life and provides a more detailed diagnosis criteria. Currently, the DSM, known as DSM-IV (the numbers change as the manual is revised) contains nearly 400 disorders with prototypes of disorders and questions that define the disorders depending on whether certain symptoms are present or absent. I don't believe that people are sicker than they once were, we just have a wider variety of boxes to put them into.

The disorder that has inspired this current train of thought is called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I was thinking about us humans as blended beings. One of my teachers who is called Abraham, coined this term and it describes the human beingness so perfectly that I've taken it on. Blended being refers to our eternal non-physical nature, while we temporarily create a life here in physical form. It seems to me that there is an organic affliction, a conflict of sorts that arises early on in the homogenization process, this mixing of physical and non physical elements that creates the human condition. As I contemplate my own humanness and the symptoms that cause me to suffer, the DID label works best to describe the condition I am afflicted with.

DID is a mental condition where a person, one single individual, has two or more distinct identities or personalities. These personalities are a composite of thoughts, feelings, experiences and memories that separate themselves off from the other personalities, each consisting of their own specific grouping of thoughts, feelings, experiences and memories. Each of these personalities engage in their own unique pattern of perceiving and interacting with their environment--friends, family, community, personal habits, the world at large. These different personalities have a routine of taking control of the person's behavior and there is a loss of memory that is associated with this routine of taking control by the various personalities. When one of these personalities is in control, there is no memory of the time during which the other personality was in control.

Back to my own symptons and conflicts...There seems to arise a clash of incompatible ideas and interests, a mutual exclusivity of desires and tendencies, an opposition in motivation that brings about this conflict. I suspect there is no "real" conflict but rather the overwhelming stress this process causes, skews the perception, kicks ones into survival mode, creating an incredible defense system. I imagine that our parts (non-physical self, mind, body, ego) come together, similar to how the members of a family are enmeshed. There is both a strong sense of bonded connection as well as a strong sense of autonomy and need for individuality and separateness. Some families find a functional balance, supporting one another's individual needs while maintaining a healthy whole, while other families fight and struggle to survive in a dysfunctionality that neither supports the individual or the family unit as a whole. Integration of the conflicting needs of all the members is the key to wholeness, harmony, balance and knowledge of self and another.

The physical being consists of a physical body of course, but also a mind and an ego. These are all great, necessary things, that allow us to exist in the physical world. The ego is motivated by the desire to survive--at all costs. It piles on and clings to false identities in a desperate attempt to feel real, to exist. The ego is caught between a rock and a hard place though because it's not real, at least it's realness in temporary, and yet, there it is. And how could we possibly survive without our egos it in this physical environment? So we have to learn to deal with the ego's tenacious tendency to latch on to false identities with a "until death do us part" mentality.

Then there is the "real" us, the truth of who and what we are. This real us is not temporary, and it outlasts the ego, mind and body. I'm not going to go into great detail talking about who and what we are because I've only had a few direct experiences of that for myself, so it would be arrogant of me for me to tell others who they are. I do have some ideas that what I am is the same as what everyone of us is and there are many religious and spiritual teachings that suggest who and what we are. And although it may be interesting to imagine who and what we are and to read exciting things about ourselves, ultimately we all need to experience this in a direct way. Anyway, I have already gone so far as to say that we are eternal non-physical beings and it's fine with me if you think otherwise but this is a story about my understanding at this point so I'm going to continue. I'll also say that non-physical beings have certain qualities such as omnipotent (infinite, all powerful); omnipresent (everywhere); and omniscient (all knowing). I also use terms such as truth, love, real, existing in the moment; etc. to describe a non-physical being, or in other words, the true self.

The unlimited possibilities of blending the physical with the non-physical form the action and plot of our lives. It's not an easy feat figuring this all out, settling into the blend and practically applying all this infinite, everywhere, all knowingness through the body, mind and ego. I've only said a little about the ego and then there's the mind. I can best describe my own mind as often being like a fucking chainsaw in the the hands of a two year old. Well, think of a big, strong, two year old like Bamm Bamm in the Flintstones. The mind is a wonderful thing, an incredible tool. But left untrained, neglected, and in the care of the ego--watch out! And then the body--oh these lovely bodies that serve us so well. And how we so often neglect and abuse them. But the mystical heights and secret places our bodies can take us when they are attended to, loved and nurtured, trained and well explored.

There often comes a time of reckoning for those with DID. This reckoning is a healing, a time of integration of the various personalities, a time to bring the whole fam damily together. As I mentioned before, the various personalities in DID are groupings of different thoughts, feelings, experiences and memories. Each unique personality is created by these specific combinations. These dissociative personalities are based in survival and integration is a choice to do more than just survive. Thus we arrive at the most significant point of my using the DSM definition of DID as an analogy of my different parts--my true self; my ego; my mind; my body. I choose to live at my full potential as a blended being by integrating these dissociative parts. I believe I can accomplish this by living with more mindful awareness, attending to the needs of all my parts. My time of reckoning has come.

My ego definitely has been functioning in survival mode too much of the time. My mind is like the rebel child, wild with untrained intelligence. My body too often neglected, rebells and causes havoc when ignored or abused too much. And yet it has been so forgiving. A loyal friend. My true self is patient and persistent, always nudging and guiding me, sagacious but allowing for my free will who too often listens to the loud voice of my pushy, arrogant ego. All these parts are necessary and make my existence as a human being possible. But I need integration, I want to know the potential of my true self, who and what I am. I yearn for the leadership of this true self, keeping my body, mind, and ego in balance.

In DID the dissociative personalities fear integration. They see it as death and consider it disrespectful of all they have undergone to ensure survival. But integration offers wholeness, strength and a stable sense of identity. It offers a knowing of who and what I am. I don't want to kill my ego, I just want to bring it into the fold. I don't want to "control" my mind, I want to train it so it is more free and use its intelligent in more creative and powerful ways. I want to hone my body to its full potential (or at least develop it more in that direction) so I can experience deeper body wisdom along with more varied and intense physical pleasure. I know that my human condition will work much better for me when all my parts are working in sync with each other, in service to me rather than running rampant on their own. Integration is surrender to self and when this process is mastered the true purpose of human existence can be played out.

The Human Dance

We come together and then we pull apart. Connect and disconnect. Unite and separate.
It's the dance of Togetherness and Separateness.

At the recent Enlightenment Intensive I worked with my question, What Is Another? Even though I was on staff rather than attending as a participant I still went pretty deep into my contemplation--after all, there I was in the midst of it focusing on all these Others, it was rather perfect.

I started getting the sense of a strong, warm hand resting reassuringly on my right shoulder, sending me the message that it's OK, it's all OK. This separateness that I have been experiencing all of my life, this aloneness that catapults me into a deep and desperate yearning for connection with Another is simply OK. It's natural, it's the way things work here in the physical world.

I've identified with being wrong my whole life and I've suffered with an incredible sense of abandonment. My mother was pregnant with me when she and my father divorced, returning home soon after I was born to live with her parents. I never met my father until I was seventeen years old. I thought about him all the time, wondering of his greatness. He was my father after all. I yearned for his love and missed him terribly. As far back as I can remember, I was convinced that I had done something wrong, and thought of myself as a bad seed of sorts. I had it figured that something inside of me just wasn't right. This assessment of self latched on to my psyche as a spurious, absolute knowing, a sad misunderstanding masquerading as the absolute truth: Adrienne = Broken. Why else would a father leave behind his little daughter? Something was obviously innately wrong with me if I was unworthy of even my father's love. I didn't see myself as broken because he left me. He left me because I was broken.

We all make up stories of the world and of ourselves. This was my story and it greatly influenced my way of being in the world, my way of perceiving what others were offering me. I blamed myself for my sense of separation from others. It was a self-loathing of sorts. I thought of separateness as wrong, and that it was my fault, stemming from the fact that I wasn't good enough for others to want to connect with me. I saw myself as flawed, as if there was a basic defect in my overall design. I was a glitch in the matrix.

It's not that I've lived my life unable to connect with others. Although I never had an over abundance of friends when I was young and often felt misfitted in the social scene of grade school and junior high, once I hit high school it was easier for me fit in and I found a mock sense of self in my looks, budding sexuality, and identifying with one popular cause or another. As an adult I've made deep connections. I have a sense of belonging. I've established long-term friendships and commitment in intimate relationships. But this nagging sense of disconnect has plagued me most of my life. It has crept up and surprised me at the least expected and inopportune times, causing me a good deal of suffering. I've found myself overcome with such an unbearable sense of separation and abandonment that I've cried out in grief. And yet I've also been blessed with piercingly deep connections with Truth, Love, and Another. These experiences, contrasted with those of separation have thrown me into desperate yearnings to feel oneness again, to find my way home, merge with the beloved and be filled.

At the intensive, that warm hand was reassuring me that separation is OK. I was tasting this subtle sweetness of separation. I realized that the less I resisted the separation, allowing it to be without judging it as wrong, the sweeter it was. Also, the more I allowed myself to experience the separation, the easier it was to move deeper into, and trust the connection when it was available.
I've always had the idea that connection with others is the natural state of being. That's become a given for me as I've directly experienced the truth of this ultimate connection. But here I am in the physical world, choosing to experience all things physical and this is a world of dualism-- connection and separation are both natural states in this neck of the woods. I came here to experience separation too. To separate myself from others and live autonomously.

I find the physical universe such a merciful and accommodating place, along with all its harsh survival of the fittest modalities and karmic kick backs. It really wouldn't be easy, or fun for that matter, going at it all alone with these bodies and minds and egos that create an incredible sense of a separate individuality. But Others are always close at hand. We are born into families with parents and siblings who immediately bond with us and then we have extended family and friends and neighbors and communities to connect with and form a sense of belonging. From this starting point we immerse ourselves into the human experience.

It's a dance, a beautiful incredible dance of coming together and pulling apart. A push me pull you drama full of tears and sadness, joy and laughter. It's the human equivalent of the rasa lila, Krsna's divine dance with the gopis, who are engaging in what is considered by some as the highest form of love, the emotion/devotion of separation from the beloved. It was the same with Caitanya, an incarnation of Krsna, who took birth as a devotee of himself and spent his life overcome with ecstasy, inundated and blissed out by both love and the grief of separation from his beloved self.

If I had wanted to only experience connection with others, why would I have come into this physical world to begin with? I'm supposing that what I am is a non-physical being, come from a state of union and truth to experience all of this here. Why? Certainly not only to resist and suffer and strive to return from whence I came, mid-adventure because I'm distraught with separation anxiety? That doesn't make sense to me. I'm here to play as a blended being, both physical and non-physical, to experience this human condition in its totality. To both connect with others and to experience separateness also. That's the rub. I need to stop resisting the separation, to acknowledge its existence when it arrives. To welcome it as a friend and stop judging it as wrong. To stop judging myself as wrong because I experience it.

I've been playing around with this separation more, getting more familiar with it. When I sense it's arrival I'm just noticing it with an--"Ah, you are here. I feel you." I'm breathing into it and allowing it to be with me without the screen of my old stories of what it is and means. I'm no longer interested in blaming myself or Another because of the separateness between us. I know it's OK, I know it's a a part of our human condition and that it's temporary, just like all things in this physical world.

So again, I'm learning to accept more of what is--wanting what is--loving what is. When I return to my non-physical existence I will be done with the illusion of separation but for now, it's a significant step in the dance of my life. I've been practicing diligently and I'm becoming a better dancer, learning the steps, tripping less over my own and my partners' feet. I'm finding that the graceful steps of separation are part of what makes the human dance so lovely.

My Heart Is On Fire

Pamm, at My Secret Spiritual Dance has written a nice article in her Thursday tantra series on Soul Gazing.

I get all warm with tingles in my solar plexus when I think of soul gazing. It produces a body memory and opens my heart right up. I love it. Awhile back was involved in a love affair that that had it's most profound moments based on soul gazing. Gazing can take you very deep, very fast and it's a powerful practice.

There is a great book by Will Johnson called Rumi--Gazing Into The Eyes Of The Beloved--The Radical Practice of Beholding the Divine.

Having just returned from Burningman I'm finding myself yearning to engage in more heart centered connecting with others. Soul gazing, shared tea ceremony, and dyad communication are the practices that are most calling me at this time. I'll be monitoring for the annual Enlightenment Intensive at Isis Oasis at the end of this month and that will fill me.

At this moment I'm feeling exceedingly grateful for all of the open hearted family and friends I have in my life. My heart is on fire.

Enlightenment Intensives and Burningman--It's The Human Connection

As my preparations for Burningman intensify I'm reconnecting with my experience last year as a virgin burner. I'm also simultaneously preparing for my first Enlightenment Intensive (EI) as a monitor next week. I've written about my first Enlightenment Intensive here, which occurred in April 2005. Since that time, I've participated in a total of seven EIs along with a ten day master's training course. You can read more about these experiences by clicking on the label The Road to Enlightenment in the sidebar. Burningman and my experience of the Enlightenment Intensives are very similar in many ways. The most precious thing they have in common for me is the opportunity for intimate connection with others. I plan to continue participation in both for some time.

I have some teachers who call themselves Abraham. I was introduced to Abraham's teachings maybe ten years ago. Abraham uses the term "blended being" which refers to the human condition as being both physical and non-physical. I love this term and ever since I first heard it used I've taken it on to describe my beingness. I've taken on awareness of my blended beingness as a daily meditation practice.

I've always been a very spiritually focused person and most certainly I'm interested in Enlightenment--simply put, I'm interested in knowing the truth of who and what I am and who and what another is. I intend to directly experience this truth and to be open to this experience at all times.

I'm not so interested in becoming enlightened so I can break free of the physical world. After all, I was once free of the physical world and I assume I'll return to full on non-physical beingness at some point. But I came here to experience the physical and as far as I can ascertain, I'm not close to being finished exploring. I'm enjoying this adventure immensely. Frankly, I don't quite get the point of taking on a physical form to simply recover from my amnesia, remember who I really am and then get the heck out of Dodge. All said and done though, it doesn't seem to behoove one well, whilst taking advantage of this human condition, to forget one's true nature. My experience thus far has lead me to the insight that I fare much better in creating the specific type of life that I prefer when I'm living in Truth. So my current plan is that while I'm focused on living within this physical form to the fullest, I'm also intent on carrying on in a more enlightened, awake and aware state--that of a blended being. That's utilizing the best of both worlds, yes?

Anyway, this excerpt from Francis Weller's upcoming book, Unforgotten Wisdom: Reclaiming Our Indigenous Soul (that I found on the Wisdom Bridge Website), really speaks to my blended being as well as my Burningman experience.

What is the experience of embodiment? What awareness is necessary to know our incarnation? Sensing, feeling, responding, interacting with the world as participant, seamless intimacy. We are not apart from the world, prisoners in an internal landscape; we are members in good standing with this breathing, animate earth. What the indigenous soul knows, and so eloquently recognizes, is our kinship with clouds and wind, sunlight filtered through oak and Douglas Fir, birdsong drifting over the day, ants moving along railings and stone, comfrey blooming and self-heal offering its blue stalk to our eyes while Barber’s Adagio for Strings plays in the background. How can we feel so empty when the world is so full? Our emptiness is our failure to be in the world. Every piece of conditioning—religious, social, economic, political, educational—that places us outside this abundance, empties us.
We are bereft of the fullness in great part because what we know as alive, has been turned cold, objectified for study, researched as resource, but where soul was to be found, where love was to be felt, we only encountered abstraction.

That just touches me. Isn't it lovely?

I adore the experiences of embodiment at Burningman. There is Lap Dancing and Pole Dancing.










Buddha is all over the playa.









There is a zendo.


Altars galore.















Shadow dancing up the yin yang.







The man burns in 35 days!

Unlimited Power

Unlimited Power

Greenwoman has tagged me to write on Unlimited Power In her Defining Spiritual Presence blog.

The instructions for this meme are to share your viewpoints on Unlimited Power. "It can be about challenges, reaching goals, achieving dreams or just living the life you want. It can be about Life lessons, Empowering Resources or Daily Habits. It can be about the past, present, future."

I've dedicated myself to experiencing the Unlimited Power found in the relationship of Self and Other. The name of my blog is Tell Me What Another Is. I try to make it a daily practice of inquiring as to "Who Am I?", What Am I?" "What Is Love?", and "What is Another?"

Who is it that is writing this blog? Who is contemplating Unlimited Power? What is Unlimited Power?

Here are my current goals/challenges in relationship pertaining to the Unlimited Power of Self and Others:

I've been working to clear my mind and body, attempting to declutter this path to Self. I'm meditating and living more in the moment, focusing awareness on my breath and staying out of my stories--at least noticing when I'm in my stories and making a conscious choice to either stay there or to get out. I'm continuously releasing attachment to what I want and accepting more of what is--practicing non-attachment & acceptance. I'm intending to know Self and I'm more consistently staying open to directly experiencing the truth of who and what I am. I'm allowing all the things that I've identified with in the past, and yet who and what I am not, to reveal themselves as lies and to drop away. I'm tired to co-conspiring with lies.

The clearer I am, the more I am in contact with Self, and the easier I'm finding it to connect with Another. This connection seems to happen through communication and what is communication if not understanding? I'm becoming more and more aware of my desire, my purpose in life to both understand and to be understood. I yearn for this connection. I yearn to uncover and expose the truth.

I'm practicing responsibility--The Ability to Respond to Self, Another, Life. I'm really beginning to get that I'm the cause and creation, the Unlimited Power of my life and I'm learning to accept that and to deal with whatever is in my life in a responsible way.

I'm learning to take responsibility not only for my communication but for the communication of others. After all, communication is not a one way street. If my goal is to understand another, how can I not take this duty on? It's all part of the communication package. As I become more and more aware of my own triggers and barriers in communication and understanding, I become more aware of other's triggers and barriers and I find that I must respond to this. Part of my process of becoming a better communicator is helping others to communicate better also. Understanding can never occur if I attempt to separate myself from this responsibility.

There is Ultimate Power in Responsibility, in The Ability to Respond.

I am learning to accept "no" as a legitimate answer to my requests. Isn't this a big part of communication and understanding? For example: Yesterday I took three of my grandkids and my son to the movies. I tried to arrive early enough to find available seats in the row I favor. As it turned out there were many extra seats in that row but only four seats together on each side of a man and his son. As there were five of us I requested the man if he wouldn't mind, to please move down one seat in either direction. It seemed a very simple request, one that most anyone would willingly oblige. As it turned out, my request seemed to annoy him and he refused to move. I was outwardly pleasant enough with his refusal but afterwards I found myself holding on to the encounter and judging him with negative assessments about his character. I caught myself and realized that I was attached to those seats and that I was not willing to receive a "no" to my request. Actually then, it hadn't been a request at all, but rather from my reaction I knew I had made a demand, in the guise of a pleasant request. As I had no power to control him, he got what he wanted and I didn't. I laughed at myself at that point and stopped begrudging the man his seats, right in the center of the aisle that he had arrived early to attain and that he was holding on to. At that point I was filled with compassion and only hoped that he wasn't holding on to our interaction in a negative way as I had been.

I'm interested in having loving and clear relationships with everyone in my life. I have some cleaning up to do. I'm finding it a mighty challenge to be relationally responsible! Of course, I can only do what I can do but I think that's a lot more than I've done so far. Oh, the Ultimate Power in relational responsibility. It's a cluttered path but I'm enjoying the adventure.

I tag Emma Kelly because well, after all it makes sense, Unlimited Power and all. Also, James at The Buddhist Blog .

My Birthday Rosary

I've posted some on my fascination with the crucifixion of Christ here.
My path to understanding the cross has lead me to the rosary. Maybe all of this fascination is due in part to my intense attraction to Catholic boys. Maybe some is due to my attraction to the phenomena of teenage Catholic girls and their wild and rebellious sexual expression after breaking free from the confines of Catholic school.

Jerry has been helping me learn the Rosary prayers and he is being very good natured about it even though it's not such a pleasant memory for him as praying was usually associated with being punished as a child. He is a lapsed Catholic of forty years but still has some incredible stories. My friend Patrick loaned me his Catholicism for Dummies book but it's been hard for me to stomach reading it. I think I need something more mystical to study so I wrote down the titles to a few other books I found on his bookshelf. Probably some Thomas Merton would be nice too.

I'm learning to pray the Rosary. The top picture is of the Rosary that arrived in the mail yesterday. Jerry got it for me for my birthday. It's pearls and sterling silver with a gold Jesus. The center has the sacred heart on the front with and Mary and baby Jesus on the back.

So far I've ascertained (I'm a neophyte so please don't hold me to any of this) the purpose of the Rosary is to hold the mysteries in mind and to offer thanks and praise to God for them. The mysteries are twenty sacred events related to human salvation and they are divided into five categories: The Joyful Mysteries; The Luminous Mysteries; The Sorrowful Mysteries; and The Glorious Mysteries.

I can imagine that many of you will be bored out of your minds if you read any further but this is just something that I'm interested in and for whatever reason it's a path I am compelled to take for a while. Let's see where it leads me...well I do have a destination in mind--the sacrament of the Eucharist but that's for later.

The First Joyful Mystery is The Annunciation.
The spiritual fruit of this mystery is Humility.

The Annunication starts when the time was ripe for the incarnation of God as Jesus. God chooses Mary and prepares her to be the Mother of The Incarnate Word (Jesus). The Angel Gabriel shares this plan with Mary and she is shocked, dazed, confused, fearful and full of awe. Gabriel tells her not to worry, that she is going to conceive and give birth to a son. Well of course this troubles Mary who is an avowed virgin. But Gabriel goes on to tell her that she will remain a virgin, conceiving through the Holy Spirit and that her son will be The Son of God. Now that the proclamation has been made, the angel waits for Mary to decide if she is up for the task or not. She decides to go for it saying, "Behold the handmaid of the Lord. Be it done unto me according to your word."


The Second Joyful Mystery is The Visitation. The spiritual fruit of this mystery is Love of neighbor. Mary's cousin Elizabeth conceives even though she is quite old and Mary travels about eighty miles (a long and hard journey which takes four or five days) to help her before and during the birth. When Mary arrives she sanctifies John the Baptist while he is still in the womb. Elizabeth is really happy to see Mary and tells Mary how blessed they both are. Mary takes care of Elizabeth for three months until John the Baptist is born.

The Third Joyful Mystery is The Nativity.
The spiritual fruit of this mystery is poverty of spirit. That wording has never made sense to me--isn't the meaning material poverty and richness of spirit?

When Jesus was due to be born Joseph and Mary had to travel from Nazareth to Bethlehem to comply with the census of Caesar Augustus. This is the second long trip for Mary during her pregnancy--this one is about 100 miles. Mary went into labor while in Bethlehem but there was no vacancy at the inn so Joseph found a cave for her to give birth in. Jesus was born at night, into very impoverished conditions to teach the lesson of detachment from earthly things. He was wrapped in swaddling clothes and laid in a manger. Mary was joyful of course and nursed her baby. An angel announces to the shepherds the birth of a savior, Christ the Lord 'Today and the angelic chorus sang. The shepherds came to pay their respects to the baby Jesus and then the Magi arrived with adoration and gifts.

The Fourth Joyful Mystery is The Presentation. The spiritual fruit of this Mystery is Purity of Mind and Body (some sources say the fruit of this mystery is Obedience)

Mary and Joseph observe the custom of Moses by taking Jesus to the temple to present him to the Lord. There was actually a law that the firstborn male of every family had to be consecrated to the Lord which basically meant that you give your child to God and then pay the temple money to get him back (pay the ransom). Even though Jesus is the Son of God and therefore not subject to the law of Moses, they submit to this law to teach obedience. And Mary as well, who is not subject to the law of purification after giving birth (since she was still a virgin) submits to this law also. Simeon sees Jesus at the temple and recognizes him as the Messiah and knows that he can now die (God had revealed to him that he would not die until he had seen the Messiah). Simeon lets Mary know the destiny of her child and then they return home.

The Fifth Joyful Mystery is The Finding of Jesus in the Temple. The spiritual fruit of this mystery is obedience (some sources say the fruit of this mystery is the joy at finding Jesus, otherwise known as spiritual zeal).

When Jesus is twelve years old Mary and Joseph take him to Jerusalem for the feast of the Passover. After it is over Mary and Joseph head back home but then discover that Jesus is missing and they go back to find him. They are really worried about him as they look all over for him and can't find him. Their hearts are heavy. On the third day they find him in the temple discussing spiritual matters with the wise ones there. Mary is upset and lets him know how worried she and Joseph have been. Jesus tells her that she should have known he would be at the temple attending to "his father's" business but he submits himself to his parents and goes home with them. This incident fills Mary's heart with knowledge of who her son really is.

I will continue with the other mysteries in future posts but for now I want to move on to the Rosary--both the rosary prayers and how to use the rosary prayer beads.

1. Make the sign of the cross and say the Apostles’ Creed
( hold cross)

The Apostles' Creed

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth; and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord; Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into hell; the third day He arose again from the dead. He ascended into heaven, and sits at the right hand of God, the Father Almighty; from thence He shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic Church, the communion of Saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body and life everlasting. Amen.

Ouch. Ok, that doesn't work very well for me. Next.

2. Say the Our Father
(First Bead)

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. Amen

Ok, this does work for me...kinda. I learned this prayer as a child and for years we said it every night at the dinner table before we eat. We used the words forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors rather than the word trespass though and also added this at the end... For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. So I'm going to contemplate this prayer and see what comes up for me in regards to the actual meaning...such as deliver us from evil and that sort of thing. I think I can make it work.

3. Say Three Hail Marys
(second third and fourth beads)

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

I like this prayer but pray for us sinners tweaks me a bit but I think I can make it work too.

4. Say the Glory be to the Father
(between fourth and fifth beads)

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

This works.

5. Announce the First Mystery; then say the Our Father
(fifth bead)

6. Say ten Hail Marys, while meditating on the Mystery

7. Say the Glory be to the Father. (In space)
8. Announce the Second Mystery; then say the Our Father. (on bead)

Repeat 6 (Say ten Hail Marys while meditating on the Mystery)
(next ten beads--next space is left unused)

Repeat 7 (Say the Glory be to the Father) (in space)

Continue with Third, Fourth and Fifth Mysteries in the same manner starting with saying the Our Father and then ten Hail Marys.

After the Rosary:

HAIL, HOLY QUEEN, Mother of Mercy, our life, our sweetness and our hope! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve; to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. Turn then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us, and after this our exile, show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus. O clement, O loving, O sweet Virgin Mary!

Ok, this one is interesting and I both like it and get tweaked by it. I really enjoy the first line...Hail, Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy, our life, our sweetness and our hope! I'd kinda like to just leave it there as the rest really sinks into suffering but I'll work with it and see what I come up with.

It is suggested that the Joyful mysteries are said on Monday and Saturday; the Luminous mysteries on Thursday; the Sorrowful mysteries on Tuesday and Friday; the Glorious mysteries on Wednesday and Sunday. The exceptions to this are to say the Joyful mysteries on the Sundays of the Christmas season and the Sorrowful mysteries on the Sundays of Lent.

This is the first installation on my circuitous path to the Eucharist

Loving What Is

I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday about wanting what is and he told me that that doesn't work for him because he is an agent of change. I've been sitting here contemplating what this really means to me and how to explain it in words that will facilitate clarity.

The night before last I found myself thinking of the Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Acceptance is currently one of the foremost precepts of my spiritual practice. Not only accepting what is, but wanting what is...no more than that, loving what is.

Lines from various songs keep popping into my head. From the Rolling Stones:

...you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you might find, you get what you need.

And from Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young:

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

I loop round and round with this what I want versus what I need thing. It's a part of my daily life, and like breathing I try to do it consciously. I'm down with wanting. I like desire. I have no problem with my preferences because I came here into the physical realm to play, to create in my own special and unique way. I'm all about opening myself up as a channel for God to pour through this little ego of mine and the life I'm creating.

It seems to me that God creates through my desires (I've discussed the problem with attachment to my desires in past posts.) My wanting has a divine purpose--it's so God can play. Fair enough since in the big picture I am God, or as my friend would say:

God Is Not Another

Or as I would say:

meMeME

That's the moniker I use with my best friends. It symbolizes the little me, the blended me, and the big me. I'm most interested in the blended me, my physical and non-physical self that makes up the unique purpose of who I am right now in this life.

My job is to open to God's desire and God's job is to either fulfill that desire or not. The fulfillment part is not my concern. From what I've observed so far, I'm figuring that I get what I need, whether I get what I want or not. Much of what I've learned so far comes from paying attention and adding up all of my 20/20 hindsight from over the years. It amazes me how often I get stuff that I think I don't want and it turns out to be so perfect in the end. I'm learning to have more of a wait and see attitude, not jumping to conclusions so quickly, just observing and trying to leave my judgments, evaluations and opinions out of the equation for awhile. When I release my resistance to what is, I keep noticing that seemingly negative circumstances often transform into something awesome. Sometimes what I get is stuff that I never even knew I wanted but once I have it I can't help but appreciate its incredible rightness.

And as for the if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with antidote? Well, this evolves beyond relationships with people. This is my intention for meeting all of life as it presents itself to me. If I can't be with the one I love, (or if I can't have what I want right now), I'm finding that it tends to serve my purpose to love what's right in front of me, what I'm with in the moment.

Ok, so this takes me back to what I said earlier about my foremost spiritual practice of

Accepting What Is
Wanting What Is
Loving What Is

This is where my friend said I lost him in the translation when I was trying to explain the natural progression of accepting what is as it evolves into wanting what is and then into loving what is. It's all the same to me. Sometimes I find it difficult to take what I know and organize it in my mind in a way that I can then connect it to words that reveal the true meaning of what I'm trying to get across. Ah, the sweetness of communication.

As for being an agent of change, many of us see things in our personal lives and relationships, in our communities, and the world at large that we would like to change. I sure have my own favorite causes and this is what I've learned so far that relates to creating any change I would like to see, starting with my personal life and stretching out the world:

My place of power is in the moment. Eckhart Tolle would call it the Power of Now. This moment is the only reality that exists for me. Right now is what is real. This moment is the truth. Therefore, whatever I am faced with in this moment is the truth that I must deal with. The truth of this moment is my power spot, my launching pad to create my future world, my vision of the way I would like things to be. The only way I can get what I want in the future is through wanting what is now. That's the connecting point. Wanting what is is my power. Loving what is right here, right now in this moment is the way I meet the present moment with kindness and compassion. Loving the truth, whatever it is is the connective glue. This truth is reality. Everything else is an illusion. How could I want anything else besides the truth? Love is all there is, therefore if I resist what is, I am resisting love. And I'm all about loving more, poly girl that I am.

Crucifixion at Burningman?

Mistress Matisse has a new article out in The Stranger, Control Tower and Kink Calendar, called
Climb Down Off The Cross.

I'm getting psyched for Burningman this year so it caught my attention. Yesterday I ordered some crimson rope from Twisted Monk , for a playawear body harness...see the You Tube video above.





What is our fascination with the crucifixion? I wasn't even raised a catholic and yet several years ago I became enamoured with the meaning/depiction of Jesus hanging on the cross. Although I haven't pursued this as serious study, I wonder if it is simply an expression of despicable religious dogma that put him there. Or was it some great blood sacrifice of atonement for the sins of all humanity? Maybe it was his personal quest of atonement (at*one*ment), publicly modeled for us, Jesus' ultimate practice of becoming one with pain and ascending all suffering?


For me, this is more of an intuitive sense and less linear logic or focused contemplation. I gravitate toward symbolism to explain personal meaning in my life and over time, this whole crucifixion fascination manifested and grew to a gnawing significance.

I secured my own rosary with a crucifix and started wearing a Celtic Cross, the Claddagh (more symbolism emerged and embedded itself as the meaning expanded to
encompass the specific suffering surrounding romantic love and the prevailing issues associated with sexual monogamy and emotional exclusivity).

The concept of suffering became paramount for me. I realized I had been hanging myself on the cross of suffering for too long, in my attempt to avoid pain, this most integral and vital, part of life. Sometimes pain asks me to linger awhile, surrendering to its effect and I either accept it with a deep breath and welcoming embrace, or I resist it, often attempting to either push it away, finding myself stuck to a gooey mess of tar baby, or I grasp it tenaciously, holding and molding it to suit my perverted need to suffer. Something about wallowing in self pity that was so addicting.

I've grown weary of hanging from my cross and martyring myself as a victim. It came to me that I'm ready to be done with this suffering gig. It's still a bit of a bad habit, allowing my pain body to have it's way with me, meeting it in a dark bar where it slips me the date rape drug and then leads me into its unconscious dungeon of suffering, my cross lying in wait, where I wake from my stupor to find myself in the midst of a scene, with this unethical and sadistic master, nails and hammer in hand, ready to have his way with me. The simple awareness of my gaze sends him running. He has no power over me, it's my choice, always was. No thank you, I'll take my BDSM wide awake with conscious consent, thank you very much.