Is-ness

Last night I went to bed contemplating Is-ness. Thank you Pema for inspiring this. My contemplation continues this morning--the is-ness of my life in general and the is-ness of my intimate relationship dynamics in particular.

I live with the intention of being aware. I strive to be conscious of the stories my ego is telling me--stories about my relationships that create emotions that I must deal with on a daily basis. A good part of my days focus on, and circle around, my connection with others--family, friends, lovers, clients... And then there is my relationship with self and the intricate connection between how my relationship with self affects my relationship with others and vice versa, how my connection with others affects my sense of self. My relationship with others serves as a mirror as I gaze into it to see what's going on inside myself.

So I have all these stories about my relationships, about others, about myself, and I'm constantly letting go of the stories and attempting to just be with what actually is. Being with the is-ness, the actual day to day reality of these relationships, others, self. So I assertain what is real and then make choices to deal with this reality to the best of my ability. Being with the is-ness and not attaching a story to it is quite challenging because there are many layers to the stories and they are quite insidious. It's kinda like not throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Is-ness lies behind the stories. I can make all sorts of feel good/feel bad meaning from my stories. There are so many different perspectives to buy into and I'm quite good at that. In my open-mindedness I sometimes try on all the different perspectives (stories) and find something worthwhile in each and every one of them. But what lies behind the stories, the actuality of what is, is what I'm attempting to zone in on and then base my choices from this place.

So what is for me right now? I'm noticing that many of my choices in life are interconnected to the choices of others. I'm looking at another's choices and pondering how their choices affect me. These choices may work well for me, or not, but seeing that they are another's choices there isn't much, if anything, I can do about that. What I'm left with is being with what is. Being with the is-ness of another's choices and dealing with the consequences in the best way possible to create my own happiness. Sometimes this process is like making lemonade from lemons. Sorry for the cliche but ¿dónde está el azúcar?!!! Whether it's another person and the way their choices affect me, or just life circumstances in general, what else is there to be done?

Recently I told my truth. I told it without blame, and even though I was upset and wanted things to be different, I made no request to effect that. My motive was simply the intimacy of sharing my truth and exposing my vulnerability to another. I just spilled out my truth of the moment (which isn't necessarily the absolute truth but rather the truth of my thoughts and feelings at that moment in time.) While I am a big advocate of the truth, I realize that speaking it doesn't always get us what we want. That's not what speaking the truth is about anyway. It has other advantages which often do lead to getting what we want in the ultimate, if not immediate sense. This time around, speaking my truth served to get me less of what I wanted rather than more. My intention with speaking my truth, as is always my intention, was to create more intimacy and understanding in my relationship with another. Did it work? I don't know. The jury is still out. I hope so. I wouldn't say that I'm experiencing more intimacy just yet but I do think there is more understanding. And my past experience in life and truth telling is that intimacy grows from understanding. I'm hoping that another's response to my truth has put their actions into more alignment with their own truth. We will see how things evolve from here. In the meantime I will deal with the is-ness of it all.

Sometimes people don't respond "well" (in the way we would like them to) to our truth. The consequences of truthtelling are not always the results we would hope for. One of the things I'm noticing is that perhaps I've fallen as a bit of a victim to a common phenomenom in the truthtelling of intimate relationships--which is wanting the other person to tell the truth, but only if the truth is something I want to hear! The thing is, truthtelling often opens the flood gates so we better be ready to get wet. I wasn't really ready for the response I received to my truth and I didn't want it. I lost my equlibrium a bit for sure. I think I have it back again now. The truth, be one the giver or the receiver of it, often brings up much trepidation and fear, especially when we are dealing with heart stuff. Others don't always take care of our heart in the way we need our heart to be cared for and in the preoccupation of figuring out how to best care for our own hearts, we sometimes neglect another's.

This Rumi poem comes to mind:

There is field beyond right and wrong, I'll meet you there.

All the stories, besides being quite entertaining, are often for the purpose of making someone, or something, right or wrong. I'm not much into playing the blame game so I practice letting so of my stories and playing beyond judgment in my relationships (I don't always succeed)--meeting the other in this field of is-ness. But the is-ness must be dealt with! This keeps me from living in denial, losing myself, and dishonoring my experience. Forget the story. Forget the meaning I make of the story. But don't ignore what is! Another's actions (choices) are simply that. Right/wrong, mean-spirited/kind-hearted, sensitive/insensitive, mindful/clueless, doesn't really matter so much when you get right down to it. This stuff simply is and what I do with it, how I be with it, the choices I make in the face of this is-ness is what matters.

One thing I will do is to keep speaking my truth because utimately, even though I know (fear) that revelation of my truth may be the catalyst that takes all I perceive I want away from me, I know that ultimately what leaves me, wasn't mine to begin with. And I'm not going to withhold the truth to protect an illusion.

Fear and Discrimination

Below, I've posted the first of seven episodes of Family a polyamorous themed, web based, comedy show produced in Seattle. I've been enjoying each of the new installments as they are available every couple of weeks or so. News has it that one of the actors, Ernie Joseph, who plays, Ben, in this series lost an opportunity to represent the Australian olive oil company, OliVaylle, in a series of commercials when they discovered this acting role where he plays a polyamorous man! You can read more of this story on Anita Wager's site, Practical Polyamory.

I'm getting more and more unwilling to sit silently when I'm confronted with this type of hate and fear in our world. Even though I write openly in my blog about being polyamorous and sometimes I mention it in other writings or conversations as a fact about myself, I also tend to be fairly quiet and discreet about my lifestyle and beliefs, not wanting to push my views and opinions onto others who may not be interested. But more and more, with the whole Proposition 8 fiasco here in California being a major stimulus, I'm getting really sick of sitting here with my quiet voice while people with loud open mouths shout their fears and discriminations from the rooftops.

"In Germany, they came first for the Communists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist;
And then they came for the trade unionists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist;
And then they came for the Jews, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew;
And then . . . they came for me . . . And by that time there was no one left to speak up."
Words by Pastor Martin Niemöller

Accepting What Is

I seem to have resolved some really important stuff during my dyad work this weekend. I got a bit deeper into the nuances of self-responsibility that I've been intending. My question, What is Another? took me deeper into myself. One of the results has been releasing a lot of the anger I've been harboring towards Another.

It all comes down to accepting what is. What is, is, regardless of whether I accept it or reject it. The value of accepting what is is for my own well being. And since I'm feeling more accepting of what is right now, this means that I've let go of some attachment to things being different than what they are. Non-attachment serves me well. I feel lighter.

I've been searching for some common ground. The place between what is, and what I want things to be. I've been struggling with the understanding of how to reside in both places at the same time. What is, is, and wanting anything else is folly. Wanting something to be different than what it is is in fact delusional. What is, is real. What is, is the truth. What is, is all that can possibly be in this moment. Why is it that once again I've stuck myself in a place of resisting reality, resisting the truth? Denial is not a pretty thing. It's contemptibly inadequate for what I am aware of and doesn't suit me in the least. Truth of the matter, I'm a bit ashamed of myself.
It doesn't serve me or my relationships.

During one of my dyads I once again found myself on my launching pad. Aha! My commom ground. It looked just like the wooden boat dock I had been on at the lake on Saturday. Nevertheless, a launching pad it was, a good visual that reminded me that in order to move on, to propel myself into my future, I must be fully present in the nowness of what is. Fully present and grounded. What is, is my foundation, my power spot, my sacred space. Excuse me but why have I been resisting the power of my sacred space? I swear, sometimes I'm a lunatic.

Once I am fully present with what is, accepting it, wanting it, loving it, I can move on. Embracing the truth, what is real opens me to so many other possibilities. Resistance keeps me stuck. What is, in this moment is what eventually offers me my freedom, whatever it is. And freedom, if not from pain, at least freedom from suffering from the pain. It offers me the freedom to experience something different after experiencing what is. To appreciate the experience and then move on. But I can't experience something different until I've experienced what is.

I've been struggling with this whole healthy boundaries issue, not knowing how to take care of myself in a manner that seems appropriate without closing my heart down. I've been noticing how my protective stance results from a fear of being hurt, inconvenienced, taken for granted, disrespected, or somehow done wrong. There is surely nothing wrong with the concept of creating healthy boundaries for oneself but when I go into protective mode my heart starts closing down. I've chosen and am committed to keeping my heart open so this hasn't been working for me.

In relationship with Another, it's certainly appropriate for me to set healthy boundaries or guidelines for the relationship (for myself) as long as I'm not judging Another as wrong. Obviously what Another has been choosing (and what I've been going along with) has not been working for me in regards to our relationship, but Another's choice is their business not mine. What is my business? My business is to find another way that does work for me. I have been angry with Another because of agreements that were broken that not only hurt my feelings but inconvenienced me and complicated my life in an uncomfortable way. It was obviously time for me to make some changes, which I did but I did so with quite a bit of judgment and blame. Even though I knew better, I was stuck in a place of making Another wrong.

Why did I do this? Attachment. I was attached to things being different, easier, more equitable and comforting to my heart. What I wanted certainly wasn't unreasonable but I was attached to getting it and also unwilling to see my part in things being as they are. Nothing like sticking up the mechanism and slowing the process down with lots of I need to get what I want, and I need it now, and it's up to you to give it to me! gunk. I've been like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum.

And it's as simple as this: I have not been fully embracing the moment, embracing and accepting and wanting and loving what is--the very thing that grounds me in truth and then allows me to go somewhere different, to create change. Embracing the moment gives me wings to fly out of whatever mess I find myself in. The moment is my escape hatch but only and this is the rub, only if I'm fully present! It gives me freedom, the freedom to embrace what is and then do something differently.

This is not about who is wrong and who is right or about who is being more righteous or aware, who is keeping their agreements and who is not.

Beyond wrong or right there is a field. I will meet you there--Rumi

And it's not about what I do to create healthy boundaries for myself. It's about where I am standing when I create the boundaries. If I'm standing on my launching pad of what is with an open mind and open heart, fully grounded in the moment, those boundaries or no boundaries for that matter will work just fine. If I'm resisting what is, triggered by Another's behavior of what I perceive as their being rude, disrespectful, thoughtless, unkind, uncaring ecetera, then I'm entering into victim mode, and thinking that I've been wronged by another. Blaming and judging Another is a symptom of resistance that leads me down the path to my victimhood. Always. Sometimes I tend to get stuck in wrong and right when wrong and right isn't the issue. It's never the issue. Never. Maybe something is wrong but that's not the point. The point is that the something I'm perceiving as wrong is actually the truth of the moment, it is real, it is what is right here, right now and is exactly what I need to focus on. If somebody has indeed done something that is wrong, that's for them to figure out. The important thing for me is that this something, whatever it may be is my launching pad that I need to be grounded on. To ground myself, I must experience it fully. I must not resist it but breathe into it, embrace it, accept it, want it, love it.

That's a tall order I know. It's difficult to do when I have preferences and then I get something else. How do I deal with something that I just don't like without resisting it? Abraham talks about life as a buffet table and how we don't have to resist and yell No! to the variety of dishes available to us that we don't appreciate. All we have to do is pass them by. But we obviously don't always have the option to pass something by. Sometimes it's right in front of us, in our house, in our face and being shoved down our throats. And sometimes this something disgusts us and makes us gag. It's not always easy. This work isn't for sissies. I learned about the power of non-resistance years ago and I've learned to deal with a lot of unsavory things that come my way, but sometimes, when those things are big (for me) my survival instinct kicks in and the only choices I might be aware of in that moment are fight or flight. When we have a history with something unpleasant or scary Post Traumatic Stress can take control of us before we know what's going on.

But embracing what is is the best survival technique available. If I need to run away, then immediately and fully embracing the danger of what is, is what will tell me to run and will utimately save me. Once I'm fully grounded on my launching pad I then have the option to propel myself into something different, I have the power to create change in my life. This might entail setting healthy boundaries for myself or whatever.

All of this does not negate the fact that we have relationship issues to deal with. If Another is doing things that don't suit me, be it breaking promises or breaking into my home and stealing my stuff, there are a variety of options available for me as to how I choose to continue on in this relationship. If Another is continuously breaking their promises, I could stop setting myself up to be inconvenienced by this scenario. If Another is stealing from me I might start locking up my house or call the police. Again, it's not so much what I do in response to Another's behavior, it's where I am coming from when I do it.

Deep love and committed relationship make these issues tricky and trust plays a big role in relationship. When I love someone I want to trust them to follow through and treat me kindly, even if they have proven to be untrust worthy in the past. Some people can be counted on to follow through in certain situations while being total flakes in other ways. I need to figure out for myself how to best be in relationship with Another in a way that works best for me. A way that allows me to love fully with an open heart while stimultaneously taking care of myself. Another is just who they are, not what I've created of them my mind. If they are untrustworthy, then they are untrustworthy and what exactly am I going to do about it? Because they may never change, even if they say they will. If I set myself up to be disappointed by them over and over again, well that's my choice. But if I choose to continue engaging in the relationship and the same things keep happening...well for one thing, it's not about repressing my disappointment (which may very well be more about my disappointment in myself) but rather it's about experiencing the disappointment fully, and then moving into accepting it, welcoming it, embracing the truth and realness of it in this moment, dealing with it and moving on.

I really should be a bit more understanding with myself in regards to all of this. It's been a huge challenge for me to bear my current disappointments. It's been catastrophic on my psyche. A hell of a lot to embrace. Mostly I attribute this to a very tough summer and the multitude of heart wrenching incidents that manifested in my life one after another. Talk about kicking a girl down and then kicking her over and over again while she's still down. My heart has really been hurting and it's been a challenge to accept the pain and not suffer from it. It's been difficult to find my launching pad but I think I'm back now.

Eckhart Tolle says in The Power of Now:

If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have
three options; remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it
totally. If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose
one of those three options, and you must choose now. Then accept the
consequences.

From my own experience, out of these so called three options-- removing myself from the situation or changing it also includes accepting it. That always comes first.

Soul Soothing Intimacy

Wow. Something big is up with me and the truth right now. Pondering. I recently had a powerful experience with my husband that once again reminded both of us how necessary it is to communicate the truth with one another. It's easy to get sidetracked, have a little confusion going on inside with some mixed emotions, desires, and then not clearly communicating what's going on for one reason or another. Feelings can get hurt when we fail to be attentively truthful to the hearts we love. For us it was only a matter of hours before we cleared up the issue because fortunately we seem to be getting fairly skilled at handling these types of situations (knock on wood and hold on tight to my personal humility and the general vulnerability to the human condition.)

But a couple of other issues with the truth have surfaced right before and directly after this issue with my husband and it's just got me going. I'm an advocate for the truth and I'm pretty much in line with Brad Blanton's Radical Honesty form of telling the truth. Not that I actually engage in the totality of his method nor recommend it to others (although I do recommend them to read the book) and he did inspire me continue down the truthtelling path with determined devotion. I've already admitted that I'm a liar because, well I am. I've lied a lot in my life and I've conscientiously worked to become aware of my dishonestly and to become a more honest person. I've discovered that acting out of integrity with self is the catalyst that tempts me to lie because, well, quite frankly I'm embarrassed to admit the truth and be exposed for who I truly am rather than the person I'm striving (or pretending) to be. To be clear about what I consider a lie, read my post here.

This is my own criteria for the practice of truthtelling and I don't push it off on others. In fact, if someone chooses to be a liar, so it be. That's their choice and I accept that. I would be a total hypocrite if I didn't acknowledge another's right to lie because well for one thing, I attempt to hold myself to what I consider a fairly high standard of truth telling and I still make the choice to lie at times.

Anyway, even though I accept people's right to figure out whatever level of honesty suits them, sometimes I am taken aback when I hear a certain story or another's reaction to lying. I was recently with friends and one woman was relating a story about a young man she had sex with as a teenager. He had a girfriend at the time but he and my friend experienced a brief moment of overwhelming lust for one another, fucked, and then never spoke of the matter again. The young man my friend cheated with married his girlfriend and they are still together today, over 30 years later. They all bumped into each other recently and were chatting it up. At one point when the two women were alone together the wife asked my friend if she had had sex with her husband back in the day and my friend lied to her. Upon hearing this story, another friend immediately chimed in with "What good would the truth have served?" supporting her decision to lie. I was flabbergasted. It just amazed me, both of these women's reactions. And I'm not judging them their choices/opinions but it just shocked me. It seems to me that the truth to her question was important to the woman and that in fact there was perhaps something very significance to be served with the truth. If not directly telling her the truth outright, but perhaps nudging her towards a truthtelling session with her husband. I don't know this, but that's the way it hit me.

I thought about how I would have responded to her question myself if I had been in my friend's position. I hope that I would have told her that her question seemed more appropriately addressed to her husband than to me. I would want to give that answer whether I had fucked him or not. I suppose that it's possible that the conversation may not have stopped there because who knows what the situation really was. Maybe this woman had already asked her husband and he had admitted the truth and she was attempting to elicit the truth from my friend for whatever reason. Maybe she had asked and he had denied it and she didn't believe him (because we always know the truth even if we don't know we know) which speaks to probable trust issues in this couple's relationship that she was attempting in good faith, to address. I don't know what I would have responded to her if she had pushed the issue. It probably would have depended on my connection with her and other particulars of the situation that I'm not privy to. If this was a friend or an acquaintance that I had a current relationship with and she seemed like a reasonably sane person, I would probably tell her to talk with her husband first and then if afterwards she still felt the need to discuss the issue with me, I would be happy to talk with her. At that point I would certainly tell her the truth.

Another conversation I was recently privy to was with some polyamorous friends and although I don't feel at liberty to share the details of their situation or the particular lie, I was once again dumbfounded at the willingness to withhold the truth from another in an attempt to protect oneself from the repercussions of the truth. What about the repercussions of the lie?! People seem to think that if another doesn't discover the lie, there are no repercussions. I don't believe this for an instant. People speak as if they have a deep understanding and commitment to the truth but often, when it comes right down to it, they choose to lie when the going gets tough. I guess that it's just my own personal experience with being a liar and seeing the horrendous consequences of those lies as opposed to the soul soothing intimacy and powerful sense of freedom that telling the truth creates that has convinced me of its merits.

And although I think all relationships thrive on the truth. Polyamory adds enough complications to the mix that, in my experience, one must be even more vigilant with the truth.

Speak Your Truth Quietly and Clearly

This morning I walked for coffee and then stopped by city hall to see some of Christina Aranguren's art that is on display there. She is an exceptional artist and has done a couple of fun pieces, stories she as written that include the words of Max Erhmann's Desiderata, rearranged from magazine text.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive God to be; and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

The words speak your truth quietly and clearly jumped up off the page in front of me. I reflected how that is what I'm attempting to do in my life. In conversations with my lovers, friends, family, clients, and acquaintances. It's what I'm doing in this blog. I write my truth and bare my soul and the words are here for those that choose to read them.

She also wrote a story called A King's Ransom in this same style of text including the words of Martin Luther King:

As long as there is poverty in the world, you can never be rich, even if you have a billion dollars. As long as diseases are rampant and millions of people in this world cannot expect to live more than twenty-eight or thirty years....they can never be what they ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the way our world is made. No individual or nation can stand out boasting of being independent. We are interdependent.

An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.

You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.

Here is one of her pieces below called School Of Peace. She has an awesome piece called The Queen of Hearts that I want for my home.

Waiting For The Shift

I've been enjoying a new level of intimacy with my husband. I love that we can talk about everything and that there are no taboo subjects to separate us. I don't remember how long ago it was, the last time I felt nervous about bringing up some truth that needed to be said to him. It's a safe yet exciting space we inhabit--me having nothing to hide from him, he holding no secrets from me, each of us showing up for whatever the other has to offer in words and deed.

Awhile back I posted about liars and Jerry asked it there was something we needed to talk about and clear. I couldn't think of anything and neither could he but when he read my post it triggered his understanding of how important it is to check in with each other. That's part of what being in a committed relationship is about. Checking in. It's not that we consciously withhold important information from the other but sometimes in the course of our busy lives, we occasionally neglect to disclose something that might better serve us laid out on the table. We are both so done living in the shadows.

I've been contemplating what it means to be in a committed relationship and what's been coming up for me is the time and energy it takes to keep the love flowing. This dance of the committed relationship seems to unfold fairly simply and organically for Jerry and I but it still requires some effort. And there are no set steps for this dance. Each relationship seems to uniquely choreograph itself, but each demands a certain amount of devoted attention to keep a sense of integrity, balance, and love flowing freely. Complacency breeds stagnation.

When I commit to a love relationship my intention is to do whatever it takes to keep my heart open and the love flowing freely between us. You can trust that I will tell you the truth and that I will to do my very best to take care of your heart by considering my actions and how they may affect you. Jerry and I do this easily and well for one another.

I have another love relationship in which I've been very out of balance. My tendency has been to be a low maintenance friend and to not ask for much. I've been enjoying to a certain extent, wanting what is rather than striving to get what I want. I appreciate receiving what is available and freely given but I'm not against asking for something if the need or desire is strong enough.

So my lost of equilibrium in this particular relationship is not because I was ignoring my needs or desires, but rather because when those needs and desires arose, Another was not available to meet me where I wanted to go. He was either unwilling or incapable of showing up for me in ways that he had agreed to show up and I was unwilling to search him out in an attempt to eek some love out of him. I prefer attention that is freely given and as spiritually enamored as I am with self growth, I don't always want my ego busted. I'm worth being pursued.

I don't know what to do about this. Perhaps there is nothing to do and until the muddy waters of my mind settle I'll continue to do nothing. My emotions have calmed down, my heart is open and love is flowing. I'm not telling my truth but I'm not willfully withholding either. I do have a stubborn streak but when someone makes the choice to disappear from my life I'm not so sure it's in either of our best interest to chase after them. So this continues, neither of us making an effort to connect. We each have our reasons of course and my ego tells me that my reason is valid and appropriate. I'm not willing to contact him and I'm not ready to make myself available to him until something shifts. And I don't know if this shift is in him or in me or in the stars. Maybe all three. Thing is, when it happens I'll know.

A World of Liars

Admit one liar into your heart today.

What is a lie? Falsehoods; withholds; white lies; untruths; half-truths; unspoken words; deceive; inaccuracies; prevarication; fib; speaking with forked tongue; dishonest; breaking an agreement; twist the truth; mislead; not keeping one's word; not following through; misrepresent the facts; cover up; belie; saying what you don't really mean; secrets; adulterate; not creditable; facade; inauthentic; indiscretion; cheat; sugarcoat; broken promises; hide; insincere; unreal; hide; fiction; phony; not communicating; bite your tongue;not seeking understanding; leaving it unsaid; edit; conceal; thievery; lie.

I once heard that a liar is always a thief because they steal another's right to hear the truth.

Do the lies behind me and the lies before me reflect the lies within me?

I have admitted a liar into my life. To be honest, more than one. And I have to admit, I am a liar too. I'll say it again. I am a liar.

Are we all liars? What lies are you telling? What truths are you not telling? Why do we lie even when it separates us from Another, and most of all, from ourselves?

Awareness demands me to ferret out the lies in my life. To fucking stop lying. To live with integrity. To be true to myself. Ego says, "There is a lot to be afraid of. A lot to lose. Lie for your life. Lie to live. Lie to be loved."

It's easy to tell the truth when it's easy but it's when it's difficult that it counts.

Slippery Slope

I've written before about my philosophy on cheating in relationships. I don't do it and I don't support others to do it. There was a time when I looked at cheating a bit differently. I was clear that I wouldn't cheat on my own partner, but I held each person responsible in the way that they carried on in their own relationship. The way this played out, at least theoretically was thus:

If I was your friend, and say, your husband and I found ourselves sexually attracted to one another, if you and he had an agreement to be monogamous, I wouldn't cheat on you with him because you and I would have a relationship with one another, thus making me responsible to you.

On the other hand, if I didn't know you therefore there was no relationship between the two of us, I might have, theoretically anyway, sex with your husband, leaving it up to him on how he carried out his agreements in his relationship with you. I would have considered what he did and did not tell you, along with who he did and did not have sex with, his business.

I felt justified in my ethical considerations and removed myself from all responsibility in the choices another adult made.

Then I found myself in a sexual relationship with someone who was married and I was friends with her husband. They had an agreement to be monogamous. But there were many other considerations. Nothing is ever black and white of course. Some of the considerations were that that she was really the one who was my friend and that I was only friends with him, only knew him, because of her. Their marriage was in desperately bad shape. They didn't communicate. He wouldn't have sex with her. She needed me and I was a safe haven for her while she figured out what to do with her marriage. It wasn't like I was trying to ruin her marriage. It was already in very bad shape but I sincerely hoped they would eventually work things out. It was a slippery slope.

In the end she told him everything and he told her everything (they were both cheating on each other) and they ended their relationship. That was a confusing time, when she was considering coming out with the truth to him but hadn't yet. I knew he would hate me and never forgive me. If they were to ever work it out, it was doubtful that he would want to work it out with me--he would feel betrayed and never want me in their home again, etc. And we both knew that we weren't going to give each other up so that complicated things with her and him. What a mess. There is of course, lots more to this story but the gist of it is that I realized that I was supporting and encouraging a behavior in my friend that was hurting her heart. Aiding and abedding someone to lie to someone they love is not something a true friend does...(ok, well I was a true friend and I still did that so...it's not something I believe to be an act of true friendship.) In the end I realized this and vowed to never put myself, or someone I love in that situation again. I want no part of that.

So now it's very clear to me. Not only would I not cheat with your husband if I know you, I would also not cheat with your husband even if I don't know you. The point is, that I know your husband and if I care enough about him to want to have sex with him, that means I care enough about him to want to protect his heart, and to protect the heart of the one he loves. I would never encourage a friend to cheat. But nothing is ever black and white and I discover another slippery slope...

I have a friend who is in a relationship with a don't ask, don't tell agreement. Now, my friend would like more open communication with his partner but up until this point, she hasn't been willing to discuss their arrangment in anymore detail. She has agreed that it is OK if they both have other lovers but she does not want to know anymore than that. In fact, she has another boyfriend and when my friend suspects that she has been with this other person he will ask her and she will confirm yes, as she doesn't lie to him, nor him to her. But she will never ask him if he has been with someone else as she does not want to know. Now, my friend has expressed interest in opening up this communication but it still stands as a don't ask, don't tell agreement, at least coming from the direction of her to him. Like I said, he can ask and she will tell, no graphic details but that much of the truth is revealed.

Where do I stand in all of this? Well...lets see. I know things aren't black and white. Humans are complicated beings. I'm not interested in being a self-righteous know-it-all. I'm a flexible person, open-minded and open-hearted and I try to be very aware of my judgments and opinions. This is their business of course and they have every right to carry on in the way that best suits them, or doesn't suit them as the case may be. But who am I to think I may know what's best for them?

Well, I kinda do think that I know what's more likely than not to be what's best for them but still, every relationship is unique and besides, it's their relationship and they need to figure it out for themselves. My hope for them, as for all relationships, is for more and more of the truth to be revealed, for more communication to happen, more secrets to be shared. I've had enough experience in relationships, with my own partners and with clients, to believe that the path of greater transparency creates more intimacy and grows love greater than withholds and the don't ask, don't tell rule.

But as I try to put my personal judgments aside, I still have my commitment to my own vows and my awareness of the slippery slope. Part of me relates to this don't ask, don't tell agreement as a free pass to cheat. What if I decided to have sex with this friend and then later I see him out and about with her? She's made it abundantly clear that she wouldn't want to know about me. So it seems to me that the only respectful thing for him to do in that case would be to avoid me altogether, or perhaps introduce me in a way that negates who I really am to him--a lover. Humm, that doesn't feel very respectful after all...

Besides the respect issue, I'm confused about my vow to protect and care for my friend's heart. No, this isn't out and out cheating. No, they aren't actually lying to one another. Yes, they have an agreement that it's OK to have other lovers...but...but...but...don't ask, don't tell just seems like a very slippery slope to me.

And of course the problem lies in that the fucking slippery slope looks so darn fun sometimes!

Letting Go/Self Portrait

The difference between letting go and shutting down:

The dissimilarities are significance. Shutting down moves against, it constricts and closes the heart. It's a protective stance, a shield. Letting go allows the heart to remain open. The need to defend dissipates and resistance to what is dissolves. There is a peaceful surrender, a yielding.

What does one shut down to? The moment; love; the truth; what is real.

What is one letting go of?
Attachment to anything other than what is; judgment; belief in wrong and right; mind; ego.

Are We There Yet?

From the little calendar my friend John made us--this touched me this morning:

Are We There Yet you'd say, tired of our prompting to the see the world as you should: train-thunder as we go under a trestle, smiling face painted on a barn. you'd even get bored looking for signs that had the rare q, x, or z. Are we there yet? So we gave up telling you the miles and just said, we're closer, getting closer, whenever you asked, so you made it into a chant: closer, closer, closer, until, turning onto our road, we joined in, and then we all rocked in our seats, making the old car bounce and sway. --Virgil Ellis

When will I give up my internal prompting for you to see the world as I believe you should? To see it my way? How can I be a friend to one who knows me not as a friend? How can I join you, understand your view of the world? What gift can I offer? What truth from my heart are you willing to receive?

Are we there yet? We're closer, getting closer.

Ego Meets Ego

Ego is ruling me right now. Ego has met ego in Another and is playing havoc with me. I am not loving. My pain body has bought into the game and is upping the anty. It says, "You sure you want to play this game with me?" I'll call you, and raise you one too. Fuck with me and I'll give you a run for your money."

My feelings are hurt. The undercurrent of mean spiritedness directed towards me hurts my heart. I'm lost and confused and don't know what to do. I want to strike back, bad mouth, meet at the lowest common denominator. This part of me cares nothing about the Truth. Nada. Zilch. It's a fun house mirror that's not so fun, reflecting back the distorted image. I can be ugly too ya know. Just push me and see what you get. And I'm justified you know cause I was attacked first!

Tell Me Who You Are? I understand. But I don't want to understand! I can easily rise above this. I don't want to rise above. I'd rather wrestle in the mud! Get down and dirty. Find peace. Fuck peace! Meet my moment. Screw the moment! Breathe dear heart. Be a rebel of love. Reflect the Truth. Now you understand Another even better, yes? Well, yes. Get it? I Got it.

What More Is There To Ask For?

I'm getting choices more and more. Understanding another's freedom. Backing off from control. Making my own choices with clearer awareness. Truth evolves and beckons me. There is sadness about not getting what I want and yet just being with it and knowing I'm OK and accepting the truth of what is--the love of what is--the realness of what is. We are all individuals, here to create these seemingly separate lives which intersect and co-mingle, merge and touch around the periphery. We are all one, singing in a great choir. Every one of our voices blending together in harmony. It's OK when someone sings out of tune or bangs the drum off beat. It's OK. It's a good thing really. My agenda is not better or more important than yours. Peace comes from knowing this, from understanding that I always get what I need even when I don't get what I want. And the truth with that is that I want what I need. So I always do get what I want. What more is there to ask for?

meMeME

I feel the silence inside. Stillness. My mind at rest. Patient. My body waiting to be of service. Sounds cutting through the silence. My breath moving in and out. I balance in the moment, this place I'm practicing more intimacy with. This is where what is, is. Loving in spite of ego not being fulfilled, not getting what it wants. Touching that place of intention, wanting, strong desire, while accepting, wanting, loving what is. How are both passion and peace possible? Non-attachment. Is non-attachment the place of balance? Is this the precipice? The leading edge? My leaping place? A friend and guide told me that perhaps I needed to leap...I've committed to leaping into the truth and I've been noticing more opportunities. I'm done hiding. Feeling sneaky and dirty. Ashamed. Done. No thank you. Not anymore. I've had my fill. I am the soul of this sacred space. I exist here in the balance of desire and non-attachment. I'm teaching ego to be strong, to face the illusion, after all, this is it's birthplace. I'm finding comfort and energy and excitement in the truth. It's like coming home to an exotic place. This is the ledge, my leaping spot. The place I create MY life. I'm integrating. I feel it happening. All my parts coming together. meMeME.

The Truth Will Set Me Free

My path is to be present with Another. To be available for connection. To tell the truth as it arises. And I do this mostly, but not always. Not all of the truth. Not the pieces of it that ego warns might not be in my best interest to reveal.

Mine is a path of truthtelling. A path of openness and vulnerability, a path that risks all for transparency.
And yet I sometimes fail to disclose the truth when I sense the possibility that speaking it might not get me what I want. Part of me wants to keep silent and keep the possibilities of the unknown alive.

But what I want most of all is the truth! Don’t I? Yes,
Definitely! But…

Lately I haven’t been speaking all of my sexual truth. I withhold this truth from Another. I don't speak of the
high state of sexual agitation I often exist in due to my attraction and strong desire combined with the sexual reserve that I am met with.

I often wonder if I'll ever let go of this and just move on with my life. Well, truthfully, I am moving on--I'm not actually stuck waiting for anything in particular to happen, for change to occur. Am I? But I certainly am stuck wanting. Desiring. Yearning.

And I try to ignore it mostly, this sense of not having what I want. I practice wanting what I have. Knowing
I have just exactly what I need and ignoring my ego stories. I focus
on keeping my heart open and staying out of my mind.

Yet in my silence I sense a fear of rejection. I wonder if
I do not fully disclose what arises for me because I don't
want to face the truth of what may actually be? And
I ask myself, how could I never not want to face the
truth? That’s so ridiculous.

And then there is what seems to be this silent wisdom that
knows the truth can't be confined to words and actions.
That this truth I hide somehow rests on higher ground. I'm
not really hiding the truth, I'm keeping it safe, holding it to be revealed at the proper time. And yet I suspect ego as a trickster here,
lulling me into the silence of mystery. Denying me the words
that will set my heart and loins free.