Confident, Comfortable, and Sexy

Last night I dreamed I found a photo of me when I was a young woman, 19 years old. I don't remember who took the photo (it was a real photo) but I was naked, reclining in a chair and it was an awesome picture of me in my youthful beauty. My body wasn't "perfect" as model's bodies go (even before they have been airbrushed) but it was pretty damn hot. I loved that picture.

It was during this time that I actually had an interview with Playboy Magazine when they were in Chico (voted by same magazine as #1 party town in the United States at the time) and I modeled my body for them. It never went any further than that--like I said, my body really wasn't up to par with society's standard of what physical and sexual beauty looked like, (I had already given birth to my first child and had some decent stretch marks to prove it and they had a whole college of beautiful young women to choose from) but I was very thin while somehow maintaining some voluptuous curves (at 5' 10" I weighted about 120 lbs). I really loved my body at that time and felt very confident, comfortable, and sexy, inside of it.

Keeping It Cool For The Kids

Please remind me that facebook is PG rated and that A LOT of my community is there including the kids of my friends. And although I don't hide this blog it still tends to be fairly discreet. I know I might be shocked at who actually does read this stuff and therefore knows many of the intimate details of my life. Whatever. Anyway, my point being is that if I don't disclose enough on here I might be tempted to do so on facebook. Don't go there girl, don't go there! Actually that's one of the things I love most about facebook. It's like being at big party where some of your friends have brought their kids. People are drinking and some even smoking a little pot, everyone is getting pretty loose but the kids are there so the adults are doing their best to keep it cool.

I'm Wasting Its Potential

For the time being I am experiencing a sense of over exposure. I'm not deleting this blog (for now anyway) and who knows, tomorrow I may post more intimate and revealing stuff about myself that will add to my feelings of vulnerability. But then again, I may not be posting much original heart stuff that exposes the oh so tender and human parts of who I am for awhile. I've enjoyed the process of transparent truth telling but I am definitely feeling more private these days. Depending on my mood of the moment I may post darkly cynical and sick jokes that make me laugh and relieve the pressure of what hurts in my life. Or maybe I'll go for Rumi or Hafiz when the love overwhelms me.

I'm not joking about my cell...er, smart phone. I love to say, "My phone is smarter than I am." You'd think I would take the time to read the manual or watch the DVD that came with it. But no. It still gets the best of me sometimes and I'm wasting its potential that justified spending the big bucks on it to begin with.

Dog Love

I must have really needed a good cry today. Jerry and I took 3 of our grand children to the movies and we saw Hotel For Dogs. Now just for the record, I am not a big dog fan. Don't get me wrong. I don't dislike dogs and I have many dog friends via my human friends who love dogs. But I don't have a dog myself and I have no desire for an intimate relationship with one. So who would think that I would be crying during Hotel For Dogs, a movie made for children? Not only did I cry, I sobbed. Well, I wasn't really sobbing as in making audible noises so people in the theatre were actually noticing me. But I was crying, and crying and crying. I had tears running down my cheeks throughout at least half of the movie. For goodness sakes girlfriend, I said to myself. What on earth is going on for you? This is ridiculous. Nevertheless. Like I said, I must have really needed a good cry.

It wasn't the doggie dilemma that got me going in the movie. It was the human connection thing. What we humans go through in relationship whilst attempting to keep our hearts open and love. My heart is so open right now. I've been battling my fear and choosing love. Love is what I am. I know this. The more I know this, the more love I attract into my life.

Life is a Dance

Yesterday we had a leisurely morning with B. and M. in San Luis Obispo. They have the biggest yoga bad I've ever seen and I rolled around on it a bunch before hanging from their back inverter machine. That was an awesome stretch. In the afternoon we headed out for the Elfin Forest and walked the wooden trail that overlooks the Mud Flats. That was and interesting and mellow place to hang. In the evening Jerry and I packed up and headed to Atascadero where my cousin lives. It's always so good for me to connect with my cousin. I love him so much. I've had a huge crush on him since I was a baby, or maybe it's better described as my being head over heels in love with him. He was almost eleven when I was born and we both spent lots of time with our grand parents. In fact, I lived with them until I was 6 years old and my cousin lived there for a while too and visited often when he didn't. We lost connect for awhile as adults and then several years ago we reconnected and I confessed to him how I had always been in love with him and he told me that he had always felt the same way about me. Aw, so sweet. Our grandparents were also the loves of our lives.

He took us out to Thai food for dinner and then we stayed up visiting until he had to leave for work (he works the night shift in the mental hospital.) We slept until he arrived home from work in the morning and visited some more over coffee until it was time for us to head home for Chico and time for him to crawl into bed for some sleep.

Jerry drove us all the way home and we arrived safe and sound after about 5 and a half hours. It was a pretty easy trip. After unpacking the car I went and visited my mommy who was doing really well and it soothed my heart to see her looking an feeling so good. I was gone 8 days and have been concerned about her but she seems to have taken my absence in stride.

It feels really good to be home and we just relaxed for the rest of the night. I put a little erotic slide show together from some pictures from our trip along with some others. That was fun.

Jerry is back to work tomorrow but I still have another week off. Very glad about that. Pema is coming by in the morning to walk in the park with me and I'm looking forward to seeing her.

I miss my lover who is my lover...

Here the a few more pics from the last of our holiday:
1. Bo and Milly's refrigerator art. This a a picture of Jerry's band Spark-n-Cinder, back in the old days. That's Jerry, second to the end on the right.
2. Bathroom window.
3. Bathroom art.
4. Bathroom Buddha.
5. Bathroom Ganesh
6. Prayer flags.
7. Refrigerator art. Obama
8. Refrigerator art. A Merry Christmas and Happy New Year--check out the lettering.
9. Me in the Elfin Forest at the Mud Flats.
10. Meeka, Bo and Milly's dog. Can you see her dreadlocks with beads?
11. Milly and Jerry.
12. My boots at the Mud Flats. Obviously not in the mud.
13. From my cousin's--Life is a dance to the music within you.

More Holy Days

Drinking really yummy espresso that D. made me and now he is making oatmeal for breakfast. I'm looking out the window into the mountains of a beautiful, warm, sunny, Santa Barbara day. Last night we listened to the coyotes yipping from these mountains. Today we leave for San Luis Obispo to see my god daughter and our good friends Bona and Milly. D. and Ren are coming with us so it will be a little partay...soon our holiday will be winding down and it will be back home and and then soon, into back to work mode. No one is quite yet ready to let go.

Pictures from yesterday:
1. I love this bird flowers. See the bee?
2-5. The two great loves of my life. My sweethearts, Ren and Jerry.
6/7. Ren is addicted to yarn. If I saw her stash, which she was going to reveal to me but we got sidetracked, I think I might have deemed an intervention necessary.
8/9. Self portraits.
10/11. More moi via Ren.
12. Two Queen of Hearts, one from me and one from Ren. You must understand, when the Queen of Hearts ends up on top of the discard pile she is not being discarded. She is blessing the game and showing herself, ready for love.
13. Ren's new Naughty and Nice winged shirt from Lucky Brand store.
14. Check out the 4 jokers. This is a virgin hand.
15. Ren keeps score. I've gone from She to Hoar you can see. She actually was the Queen in this game. I admit it.
16. A sweet little altar
17. More cleavage.

Here Is What Is

Being nasty last night with Ren.

1. Scarf finished, all but felted. Will be domestic and to that today.

2. Self portrait.

3. The Queen of Hearts reveals herself.

4. Born to be wild. Only a few swigs of scotch, plus...

5. That turned out to be a fun hand. I discarded the fives and received all I needed.

6. Another aspect of self.

7. I turned off the flash and got a better view of Kokopeli.

8. My sweatshirt laying in the chair.

9. I am She. The Queen of Nasty.

10/11. A couple of the albums we were listening to last night. Lucinda Williams newest one, Honey. (The song posted from You Tube below is from this album. It's called Plans To Marry and Daniel Lanois, here is what is.

A Day or Two in Santa Barbara

Yes, I slept in again yesterday morning but I had stayed up quite late reading so I didn't get in my full eleven and one half hours of sleep! After coffee we took the car in for an oil change and shopped for a potty seat for our grandson. He's more than ready to be out of diapers. Later in the day we headed back to Santa Barbara and went shopping at Lucky Brand store, my favorite place to buy clothes especially when they are having a big sale. I found the cutest sweatshirt for one of our new grand babies that was 75% off. Ren made us soup for dinner and then we were off to her knitting group. When we got home we played a little canasta and then after Jerry and I had an intimate rendezvous in the bedroom, I stayed up late reading again. Somehow, Ren and I haven't been able to seriously get our game on. We keep getting distracted.

This morning we were up early with the dogs for a long walk on the beach. It was very foggy. Jerry drove to Oxnard and brought our daughter and grandson back to Santa Barbara and we took them out to the organic farm where D. works. Now we are back home and I've been downloading pictures from the camera onto the computer--I have several hundred that I've taken in the last few days. Everyone is napping except me and Ren so it's very quiet and mellow here. I'm going to knit for awhile on a scarf I've been working on. It's hand painted wool and I can't wait to felt it.

Ren and I are due for some real nasty Canasta playing tonight.

1. My shadow while we wait for the oil change.
2. Fishes (Whooshes, as my grandson calls them) in my daughter's aquarium.
3. Monastery of Poor Clares in S.B.
4. Cool baby sweatshirt, camera bag, book I'm reading and scarf I'm knitting.
5. Our Nasty game.
6. Ceramic Kokopeli that I made my friend N., Ren's ex-husband that she stole from him when they got divorced.
7. More Nasty. I had to take a picture of the Queen of Hearts when she showed up. She's the queen of my heart and goddess mentor.
8. Ornaments on Ren's Christmas tree. I have her the dragonfly several years ago.
9. Ren and D. on the farm.
10. Greenhouse roof.
11. Jerry, rockin into nirvana on the farm.
12. Me, standing on organic farmland (notice how the pics of Jerry's upper and my lower blend together.) Cool huh?
13. More shadows.
14. Greenhouse plants.