The Gollum of My Unworthiness

I'm back home from the Love Intensive in Ben Lomond, at Forest and Elaine's home. He has lived on the land there for about 40 years. She's been there over 30. It used to be commune and they have some great stories to share. Forest is an interesting person to say the least. He traveled to Japan with Alan Watts back in the 60's and had some amazing experiences with Richard Alpert (Ram Dass) back in the day. He is also one of the first people to start experimenting with the Enlightenment Intensives in the 60's and 70's with Charles Berner (Yogeswar Muni). He's been around a few blocks. The view out their living room window was truly spectacular. It rained 10 inches in 3 days while 17 of us hunkered down inside contemplating love and eating delicious meals that Elaine lovingly prepared. She lived in her kitchen for 3 full days! I also learned how to make coffee with cold water that is low acid and very tasty. Forest was a skilled master and had lots of good insight/wisdom/stories to offer. The Intensive was relaxed and low key as Intensives go. I made some new friends and reconnected with some old ones. It was a blessed way to spend Valentine's Day weekend.

Highlights:

On Friday the rain was fairly light and the canopy of trees so thick that one could actually take a walk and hardly get wet. During walking contemplation I found a sweet little Buddha altar sticking out of the mud on the side of a cliff.

I've been contemplating feelings of unworthiness since Pema brought it up on one of our walks in the park about a month or so ago. She knows me. She knows I've done a lot of inner growth work and an amazing amount of healing but she is a smart woman and a good friend. "Do you feel unworthy of love?" she asks me. No, it's not about being unworthy, I tell her. I know I'm worthy of love...but she stirred something up. Thanks Pema! I met my Gollum of Unworthiness at this Intensive. She lives in the cave of my heart and has been coming out to torment me since Pema woke her up! I tease. She was tormenting me already and Pema just gave her a name. All the expanding love light in my heart had exposed her--brought her out of the shadows and riled her up. I got to meet her face to face at the Intensive and she gave me quite the scare. She made me cry. For now I've given her a soft warm blanket and promised her indefinite residence in my heart. This has calmed her down. She likes to curl up next to the interior wall where it's cooler and dark. The love fire burning in the center of my/her heart cave keeps her warm and I think she is getting used to the heat. She likes her blanket too.

I came to this Intensive with several questions about love. For instance, I've been contemplating the difference between simply loving someone as opposed to being in love with someone. I have significant vulnerability around the in love concept. The contrast of these two different types of love originally came up for me about 6 years ago with H. and his lover at the time--and shortly there after it came up again when I fell in love with lover who is not my lover. I've pondered it here and there and it's up for me again. Some clarity that came to me this weekend was in regards to being willing to take on the commitment that being in love demands of us. Greater intimacy with another requires a deeper lever of risk taking and telling the truth.

I had a vision of being out on a nice walk with a lover, the view was beautiful--then I came to a precipice and found I'd walked right off the edge of a cliff (not unlike The Fool in the tarot deck.) I was holding onto the edge and wondering if I should climb back up or do a free fall. One of my dyad partners said "There is a reason they call it Falling in Love."

One never knows what will happen with love. Sometimes it just captures us unaware, takes us as its slave, we acknowledge its power over us, and so without choice, we submit to it's bidding.
I've also found myself arriving at the precipice and simply jumping because there was obviously no turning back. And I've fallen off the precipice while looking at the stars...aw, love sweet love.

I also arrived at this Love Intensive with many questions about choice, acceptance, and denial. A huge part of my spiritual path is about learning to be in the moment by fully feeling what is, and accepting whatever that is, even when it's something I'm getting that I don't want (or something I'm not getting that I do want.) I practice this by recognizing my preferences (desires) but releasing attachment to them when they are not being fulfilled. In love relationships this has a lot to do with the choices another makes which don't match the choices I'd prefer they make. This is my mindfulness practice, not that I'm so very skilled at doing this but I'm learning and eventually I come around. It's a tricky process and I've been realizing that sometimes I slip into denial rather than acceptance. What came up for me at the Intensive is that I need to feel more, really surrendering to my deep feelings while at the same time, letting go of my attachment to getting what I want. The key ingredient here is FEELING. My feelings are so fucking intense sometimes that they really scare me. Refer back to my golum of unworthiness.

What was that that Forest said?

Your pain will not hurt you.
Your fears will not scare you.
Your annihilation will not destroy you.

There is a long story that relates to the gollum of my unworthiness which is tied into my fear of being rejected/abandoned. This story originates back to being abandoned by my father before I was even born. I surmised that he had left me because I was unworthy of his love (why else would a father abandon his little girl?) Of course this story of unworthiness has had many subsequent chapters added over my lifetime. What can I say? I was on a roll.

Rock Steady

Another warm, sunny winter day. I was out walking by the creek on campus during my lunch break, listening to a live Jimmy Cliff album on my iPod when he started leading the audience in a chant, I Am Ready, Rock Steady. All of a sudden, my enlightenment experience of I Am A Rock, hit me on this very deep and profound level. It was an evolution of my rockness. I became physically planted in the moment like a rock. I Am Rock Steady. Being rock like lends it's weight to the moment. Being fully grounded in the moment makes me present and ready for whatever is coming my way both now, and in the future.

The Soothing Balm Of Compassion

I had plans on doing the annual Enlightenment Intensive at Isis Oasis this last weekend. I felt a deep need to dig into the work of enlightenment but something was off and I felt an ego resistance to going which I tried getting past it but I was simply physically done in and just couldn't bear the thought of the whole endeavor. We canceled and called Harbin for reservations. They had one room left. We packed our bags and arrived in the afternoon on Jerry's birthday. It was the oddest thing when we walked into our room and found an over sized statue of King Tut in our room...This after abandoning our Isis gig.


It was a wonderful weekend. Exactly what we needed. We soaked, read, eat yummy food, did dyads, got massages, watched a movie, walked, made love, slept, did partner yoga, watched a music/dance performance, contemplated, and soaked some more.

The hot and cold dips took me deep into my contemplation and Kwan Yin offered her strong presence. I beseeched her with my prayer, Tell me Mother, Please Tell Me What Another Is. She rubbed the soothing balm of compassion on my aching heart. She showered me with forgiveness and it penetrated deeply to my core. I resisted as she prodded me to let go. But Mother, I cried, I don't know that I am capable of letting go. It scares me so, I pleaded. Please Mother, how can I let go of love? I knew it was a silly question. There is no letting go of love my child. You have no hold on love to begin with. Holding on to love is an illusion. Letting go is releasing the illusion. Love just is. Thank you for your patience with me Mother.

I presented myself again and again. Forgive me Mother for I have sinned. I am selfish and I believe in separateness. I have shunned Another. I have rejected my body and abandoned my children. Forgive me Mother my sins. I am weak.

I am home now, surrounded by the beauty of my intentions with a clearer vision of some valuable actions to take. And I know as I always have, that I am the one who must forgive myself.

Choices--Conscious Or Not, We Must Choose

It's all about choice. Conscious or not doesn't really matter. Well it matters in the sense that the opportunity we've been given to live a human life is a real gift and the potential that is possible for us is phenomenal if we live this life to the fullest. So when it comes to our choices, obviously the more conscious they are, the more able we are to serve our life's purpose. I see intention as playing a big part here, probably as the most important contributing factor. If I intend to be an aware, enlightened human being, if that's my focus in this life, I will be much more capable of making conscious choices because there is a direct correlation between awakened awareness and conscious choices that are in sync with my life's purpose--the reason I came here to work/play/have a life to begin with.


And I would suppose that everyone comes in with a life's purpose-- be it enlightenment, love, sex, money, peace, war, excelling in the physical strength and Olympian possibilities of the body, or the more charitable goals of Mother Theresa, Mahatma Gandhi, Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, etc. The more aware someone is to who and what they are, the better their ability to make choices that further their purpose for being here in the first place. Without a strong intention there is more tendency to get distracted along the way. And this isn't bad, or wrong, it's just being off course (without judgment for that). It's OK to go off course. Because we have choice, otherwise known as free will, it's a valid choice to lose sight of our course or change our course, and there is no rule that we must stay on track with our original choice, the reason that we came here.


The thing is, people go unconscious for various reasons. And when we are unconscious we obviously make unconscious choices. If I'm an awakened aware person my choices are going to be conscious ones. It seems to get a little tricky here with young children. It seems to me that children have this incredibly keen radar. Children come into this world with strong intention for their life's purpose, knowing what it will take for them to fulfill their goals. They know exactly what they want and they go after it. Mostly I think parents get in their children's way, due to the parents lack of trust in their child's inner guidance system which helps them make the appropriate choices for their life. Parents think they know more about what's right for the child than the child does. I don't believe that at all--well within reason here, sometimes a parent does know that the child needs broccoli and rice for dinner rather than a chocolate bar and that an afternoon nap when they are overly tired will really give them a better perspective but there is the tendency to take this basic knowledge of that's why I'm the parent and your the child way too far. Also, the way parents often use their parental authority to coerce their children to submit to their will, to what they believe is best for their child is over the top. Not that all parents interfere with their children's growth in this way, and some interfere only minimally. In fact, I'm truly impressed with the parenting skills of so many parents I know and I see their children as incredibly fortunate and blessed. Frankly, I'm often envious of the natural parenting abilities that so many possess. I seem to have acquired many of these abilities over time but unfortunately I did not possess them when they were the most important--when my children were young. In the big picture, I fear there are many more "off course" parents than "on course" but I'm lucky to know some very together ones. Bottom line, what I think children need more than anything else is love. When big love is offered children seem to make it through and thrive in spite of whatever parenting style is perpetrated against them. But I digress.

A lot on unconscious parenting influences children to go unconscious and lose touch with their own inner guidance system. When that happens we lose awareness and it's very difficult to make conscious choices. But we continue to make choices because that's what living life is all about. And some children who for whatever reason are able to maintain their strong intention, just whiz through life barely slowing down, shrugging off the influence of their parents and anyone else who tries to get in their way. They have this tenacious will, this conscious intent that keeps them on track doing what they came here to do in this life and nothing or no one is going to stop them.

But many of us flounder as children and young adults. Would I have chosen to get pregnant, married and have a baby at 16 if I was in touch with my inner guidance system? Would I have chosen to drop out of school and stay in abusive relationships with the men who fathered my children? Would I have made some of the choices that now, years later, still make me what to hide my face in shame? Some of these choices I think I might have made regardless, others most definitely not, but I was only where I was at the time and choices are like breathing, we can't live without them. We just do the best we can with what we've got and sometimes we hit the mark and sometimes we miss it. Sometimes we make choices by default--we choose by not choosing, by letting others choose for us or we just sort of let life happen to us. But that's a choice too. Underneath all the choices through, the self is always there in full on awareness and its influence is always available to us, at least to some degree.

So when I ponder age, emotional maturity and a person's level of awareness in regards to a choice being conscious or not, well yes, I do think these factors come into play, but ultimately in the big picture it doesn't really matter. We have to make choices, conscious or not and we do the best we can. Sometimes we fall victim to our choices, sometimes others fall victim to our choices but what else is there to be done? There is ignorance and there is evilness in this world. We are born into the families we are born into and here we are. Our families do the best they can and sometimes it's just not good enough to save us from the pain of being human. Our parents will influence us in the ways that parents do, as society, religion, astrology, numerology, coffee grounds, tea leaves and chicken bones do and we will live our lives, staying on track with our life's purpose as much as possible. Our true self never abandons us, it is always here clamoring for our attention and we will intend and desire and make choices ultimately based on that self.

Heaven On Earth

Living Enlightenment--a call for evolution beyond ego by Andrew Cohen.

I just finished reading this book late last night, well early this morning actually. It's a really quick read and very interesting too. I think Andrew has a lot of valuable teachings to offer along with a good dose of direct enlightenment experiences.

This book is an interview of questions and answers. Chapter 16 is called--the promise of perfection.

Do you think it is possible to be free within a romantic relationship?

Andrew answers, "Almost impossible" and talks about "the sexual/romantic experience as one of the most confusing areas of human life and seems to be the hardest to get clear about." The biggest issue here is the deep emotional and psychological attachment that sex and romance creates.

So isn't it possible to pursue freedom together? Can't we walk the path to
enlightenment in the context of a sexual/romantic relationship?

Andrews response is "One would hope so..." but again, the problem is the powerful attachment that sex and romance creates. It comes down to the matter of priorities because if we are seeking freedom/liberation/enlightenment it is "almost inevitable that attachment will quickly become more important to us than our potential liberation.

But I don't understand why there has to be conflict between freedom and being together.

It depends on what we mean when we speak of freedom. Andrew explains that being enlightened means being free of attachment. "...when you hold on to absolutely nothing, you are free--automatically. And the truth that liberates is the profound recognition of just that fact--that your own natural state is already free. The only ting that keeps us in bondage is the unquestioned belief that there is something fundamental that is missing from our own self. So out of ignorance of our own natural state, we bind ourselves to people and things, convinced that through creating attachment we will find happiness and contentment."

Well, so many of us have discovered that this just isn't the case. People put so much into the myth of finding true love and romance and the perfect sexual partner. I know I did. And then I found him. I was always looking for my one and only. That perfect someone outside of myself. Then he came around 15 years ago. Jerry was a dream come true. And the attachment has been huge. But what also happened once I found him, this perfect partner, was that I found that I still had to deal with myself. I had found the one and he wasn't the one after all. And I wasn't free because I was attached to things outside of myself.

Andrew says that where there is fear there is attachment and where there is attachment there is always fear of loss. We can never be truly happy in this state. I get this on a very deep and profound level. "It is the revelation of enlightenment itself that shows all of this directly to us--the perennial truth that real happiness and the only lasting contentment lie within us as our own True Self..."

I do feel strongly drawn toward the profound freedom you're describing but I also feel like it's a natural thing to want to be in a relationship. From the way you're speaking, it almost sounds like you're advocating celibacy.

It's interesting how people interpret things because this isn't what I was hearing. Andrew says, "Is that what I said? So many people tend to misinterpret what I am saying whenever I speak about this particular topic...it's very difficult to see clearly into this area of the human experience, especially when it relates to ourselves. All I'm trying to do is present the facts. You asked about sex, romance and enlightenment, and all I'm saying is that the definition of spiritual freedom is freedom from attachment. Sex creates attachment--that's all there is to it. And that is why there is almost always an inherent conflict between the longing for inner freedom and the karmic consequences of the sexual/romantic experience. Therefore, the big question is: If enlightened freedom is freedom from attachment, then what are we all going to do about the relentless nature of sexual attraction?"

I was hoping you were going to give me an answer to that one!

"...On one extreme, we have been encouraged to use the sexual experience itself as a vehicle for self-transcendence and, on the other, we have been told that if we want to be liberated...we have to renounce the sexual experience altogether. I believe that if we want to be free, we must think very deeply about these matters for ourselves..." He goes on to say that even enlightened masters have come to contradictory conclusions and so we must turn to our own honest inquiry on this matter. When probed further he still refuses to answer for us. He says if we want to be free then all we need to know is that free means free from attachment.

Andrew also says that the promise of perfect happiness and blissful fulfillment inherent in sexual desire is overwhelmingly deceptive and that we must come to recognize "the difference between the personal bliss of the romantic interlude and the impersonal ecstasy of spiritual freedom." He also says, " But realistically, in a world like ours that is incessantly propagating this powerful promise, if we want to be free, we all, to some degree at least, have to be willing to be renunciates!" But before you get yourself in a tither, he goes on to explain what it is that we have to be willing to renounce. "...renunciation means resisting the temptation to be seduced by the most powerful illusion that there is. It is was he calls "the promise of perfection" which is the belief that the perfect romance will make us happy and content and that we will finally feel whole and complete. "And also, it is only when we let go of the promise of perfection that it will become clear to us how, more often than not, the experience of romantic intoxication if fueled by the ego's need for personal affirmation."

Okay, okay...where's the nearest monastery?! But seriously, Andrew, if what you're saying is true, would there be any reason left to be in a relationship? Even though it's obviously not what you mean, it still keeps sounding like you're saying that if we want to be free, we have to give up the whole thing.

"Well yes, and no. Yes, if it means creating more suffocating attachment that only serves to perpetuate the illusory personal world of the separate ego. But no, if the context for personal intimacy and sexual communion is authentic spiritual freedom."

What does that mean?

"It means that we want to be free more than anything else and therefore are more interested in impersonal ecstasy than personal bliss. It means that the context for personal intimacy and sexual communion would be the impersonal--a dimension that is unknown in this wold, that is beyond ego and fee from attachment."

And where is this impersonal dimension found?

"Inside your own self...That is where you will discover an absolute love, a bliss that is empty of attachment and free from the conviction that anything fundamental is missing. And it is that context alone, which is one of inherent fullness or completion, that can make it possible for human beings to come together in personal intimacy and sexual communion in a way that is free from the pain, complexity, and unending confusion that are usually such an inherent part of this area of life."

I find this writing very profound and wonderful as it so perfectly coincides with polyamory as a part of a powerful path in my spiritual journey. Polyamory is teaching me to love without attachment, to look within myself for this absolute love and from this core of freedom to reach out to others to share personal intimacy and sexual communion. I also find it of significant importance that in my primary relationship (and I suspect if I ever find myself in another committed primary or secondary relationship as well) Jerry and I are sharing the spiritual journey of enlightenment together. I'm not interested in engaging in a lot of ego feeding in relationship. Some of course is nice because, well because I'm still attached (read some of my ego rantings in previous posts.) But I understand my intention and that of my partner to be to directly experience enlightenment. That, with personal intimacy and sexual communion thrown in is my idea of heaven on earth.

Starting All Over Again

From An Awakened Life:

For consciousness to evolve, we must commit ourselves to living a conscious life. To know ourselves, to go deep into ourselves, awakens the mind.

"Knowledge and theories about wisdom are like carrying books on the back of a donkey. We may carry around many ideas of worth-while changes that we would like to make in our life. To evolve, we must put those ideas into practice or they will become a weight for us." Oh God do I know this one on an intimate level! For many years I struggled under the weight of theoretical knowledge. I understood what I needed to do, I just couldn't pull off doing it. And the pain of this burden was immense. I sometimes thought how much easier it would be to function in ignorance is bliss mode. But I knew too much of the truth to set it aside. I was committed to living this so called conscious life but damn if I was able to maintain a worth-while daily practice. The juxtaposition of intellectually understanding the truth along with my inability to live it drove me fairly nuts. Simply put, I was overwhelmed.

What made the difference? What was the tipping point? I don't know except to say that bit by bit, one tiny step at a time, I put those ideas into practice and eventually I noticed that a shift had occurred. Truthfully, one thing that happened is that my kids grew up. And it embarrasses me to say that. But on one level it's just simply true. Raising my children was an overwhelming job for me. I definitely bit off more than I could gracefully chew. I committed to the job and then was either late for work or just didn't bother to show up. I was a very confused woman, a very unhappy person who was searching for self, searching for love in all the wrong places and my children seemed like a big distraction in that pursuit. I've written a little about this immense shame I carry in regards to my children. And this was something I was aware of throughout the years I was raising them. I avoided my children and I knew I was avoiding them. It broke my heart while I was in the midst of doing it. This is a confusing story to tell because my focus was also totally on my children. There was nothing more important to me that being a good mother and I read all the right books and did a lot of the "right" things. I offered my children a lot of love and attention too. A lot of it was karma I think. What's that saying...My karma ran over my dogma. It was something like that. It's difficult to explain and that's not what this post is about.

I was just talking with some clients, a couple the other, day about Beginner's Mind. I was explaining to them how imperative it is to see each moment, to see each other, with fresh new eyes, with an open mind. Another gets old for us, we think we know them and we get so used to our routine with them that we take them for granted and this can serve to be the downfall of our relationship with them.

There are several themes running through this chapter that are all related but they take my mind into diverging paths with all my personal stories and experiences and I'm finding it difficult to not make a discursive post.

Perhaps we carry around problems because we have got it all wrong. We think things are one way and they are not. If we sleepwalk through life, we keep bumping into walls. To awaken is to change all of that.

"The world presents itself here and now as it comes through our senses to meet our mind. Through this contact with what's around us, we create a world of likes and dislikes. We accept one thing and reject something else." We create so many so called problems because our perceptions are so skewed. What comes to mind here is a great lesson from one of my teachers, Abraham. Abraham uses the analogy of life being like a huge buffet table with an incredible number of choices. The only problem really is that our stomachs, along with our plates, are only so big. The good thing is that we have preferences. As we walk the buffet table filling up our plate, we are careful to make discerning choices. There is so much available that we want to accept the offerings that will give us the most pleasure, or be most valuable. When we see some the dishes that we don't prefer, we don't yell out No! Oh yuck, why is that here? I hate that food!, we simply pass it by, giving it little notice and move on to take a spoonful of something else that we do prefer. The table is really a variety of incredible opportunities to say Yes! to. There are really no problems at the buffet table of life although we often interpret life as one problem after another.

Meeting ourselves, meeting others, meeting our moments with beginner's mind offers us a new perspective on life. "Mindfulness and insight would be essential features to ending habits and old conclusions that burden daily life." This is really about dropping old prejudices and seeing everything afresh in each and every moment. It's about allowing the miracle of each moment to unfold. It's about releasing the need to have others behave in any particular way and so we stop making demands on others and on life. We become less judgmental and invasive to Another's choices. We simply accept and say Yes! to what is.

In the circus of life we learn to ride two horses named Self and Other. If we can't we have problems.

We have a remarkable capacity to wake up, to meet life fully without riding on the back of hopes and fears. Nobody can make this journey to awakening for us. we have to take a good hard look at our life for authentic change.

The Emptiness of Busyness

From An Awakened Life--Christopher Titmuss

Stress is a publicly acceptable word for living imprisoned by desire and fear. Stress is the desire to get things done, and the fear of not getting them done.

"Technology makes us more and more efficient and sophisticated in the way we move from one place to another and in the way we communicate. Yet we have no time for any real communication, person to person, face to face." I remember the old days when socializing happened by dropping in on my friends without any advance notice. It was an acceptable aspect of the sub-culture I lived in. I can probably count on one hand the number of friends I'm willing to do that to now. People are busy with their lives, doing important things, and it just seems rude. I fear that many people would be annoyed if I just popped in on them unannounced. But when someone drops in on me unexpected, it's usually a pleasant surprise that warms my heart.

Living with a jammed up, crammed up schedule, with promises to self and loved ones that we will relax and de-stress and kick back and enjoy life, taking the time to connect with others once we get our to-do list completed, once we have achieved and produced just a little more, is self defeating and deceitful.

As soon as I finish this job I'm going to have some breathing space. I'm going to take it easy. There's going to be some sanity in my life.

We will never get it done. I repeat. We will never get it done. Never. There is always something more to be done. Always has been, always will be. We will die with it unfinished. It's the way of the physical world. Once one task is completed there are six more to take its place. Goals are fine, but stressing ourselves out trying to complete them will never make us happy.

Are you willing to explore your potential for a stress-free and genuinely contended existence while going about your daily tasks?...are you going to start today with one basis change? If so, what is it going to be?

An Awakened Life

A gift I received today:

The Awakened Life--Uncommon Wisdom from Everyday Experience by Christopher Titmuss who entered a Buddhist monastery and became a monk for six years.

May all beings live in peace
May all beings live in harmony
May all beings be fully enlightened

One way to conceptualize awakening is to understand that it occurs at two levels, the relative and the ultimate. Relative awakening is when our insights turn our consciousness in a particular direction. One of the problems of relative awakening is that the insights get suffocated by the thoughts of our daily life. As we develop an appreciation of awakening, an energy of commitment is created that gives us passion to follow through with the the core message of our insights.

Ultimate awakening (no problem with follow through) is what happened to the Buddha under than Bodhi tree when he realized the core issues of human existence. This is where The Four Noble Truths come from.

1. There is suffering in the world
2. Suffering arises due to conditions. Desire is a primary condition.
3. There is liberation from the rounds of suffering.
4. There is a way to end suffering through a noble way of life, namely the Eightfold Path.

"In an awakened life our heart is open, steady and purposeful." We can experience an awakened state but then it is difficult to stay awaken while carrying on with our daily lives. Some of the ways to help ourselves stay awake are: contact with conscious people; mindful living; meditation; inquiry; taking risks; and contemplative reading.

May all beings live with wisdom
May all beings be awakened
May all beings live an enlightened life

My First

Our May 1-4 Enlightenment Intensive was awesome with 10 participants and 5 staff. Our chief/senior monitor arrived in Chico the night before. I picked him up at the bus station and we all went out for Thai Food. Later that night we visited and talked about our plans for the Intensive while I baked the last of the chocolate chip cookies I was bringing for the Saturday afternoon snack. Getting out of town on Thursday to head up to the awesome Rambln Rose Ranch that sits on 165 acres at the bottom of a beautiful canyon on Big Chico Creek was a chore. I thought we were organized and that all the last minute packing and pick-ups would be simple but we worked and ran around town from 7:00 am until almost 3:00 pm. Jerry had already run up and down the hill a couple of times, meeting the guy who delivered the porta potty, putting up signs to help guide participants to the Intensive, dropping off loads of supplies, putting up tents etc.

We finally arrived around 3:30 and got straight to the business of getting everything set up for the participants who were arriving between 6:00 and 7:00. That was a lot of work! We were far from completing that task but the space was lovely, it was what it was, and I was happy in my exhaustion. Patrick didn't arrive until 6:30 pulling his travel trailer which was full of the second half of our supplies. He had been running around all day packing and getting things together for the Intensive also. Jerry arrived around 7:00 with our cook and more last minute supplies we had forgotten.

We had moved most of the furniture out of the room we had picked as our dyad space and I was struggling trying to arrange the chairs and cushions for the dyads. I tried every which way and was feeling pretty stuck. I loved the room but it had all these pillars spread out in the middle of it that were interfering with the dyad rows. Finally I got Patrick in there to help me and within a minute he found the angle that made it all work perfectly. No wonder the man is an architect. Those skills come in handy.

By 8:00 we had tea and a snack out with everyone pretty much settled in with their sleeping arrangements and by 8:30 we all gathered for the opening talk. What a nice group with seven newcomers! We were thrilled to have so many fresh folks who didn't have to work for their beginners mind and also thankful and comforted by the veterans. By 10:00 pm we sent everyone off into their silent retreat contemplating their questions, to get a good night's sleep (some headed off for the hot tub). By the time my mind and body hit the air mattress in my tent sometime after midnight I was ready for rest...I thought. But I was too cold to fall asleep. Then I noticed I was dehydrated and needed water but had none close to the bed and I was too cold to get up and get it. Then I had to pee but again, I was too cold to get up from under the covers. Finally I braved the cold to pee and find water but after returning to bed I still couldn't sleep...all night I lay awake until the light and birds chirping at 5:30 am pulled me out of my bed. Incredibly enough, I felt rested and soon Rick was ringing the bell to wake the participants with Good morning, this is the first day of the Enlightenment Intensive. You have 15 minutes until the morning talk.

What a day. What can I say? The technique is powerful and I loved watching everyone's process unfold. I felt like a mother hen with all her little chicks. By afternoon rest time I still couldn't sleep so we laid and read poetry.

It took our cook awhile to get settled into the kitchen, organizing everything and getting the menu down but she accomplished that task with an open heart and incredible artistic ability with her culinary skills. She's a very gentle person and her presence at the Intensive added a shining sweetness. Although the timing of the meals wasn't perfect, we never had too much of a wait and all in all, we were extremely well fed and cared for in that department. I feel very blessed and gifted with her hard work and enthusiastic attitude. She offered us a lot of love. It had meant a lot to us, to offer exceptional food at this Intensive and that task was accomplished.

Walking contemplations were awesome with the creek and wildlife, surrounded by all of nature and the magnificent canyon walls. We couldn't have asked for more perfect weather--warm and sunny days, clear starry nights--and then a mini thunderstorm rolled in Sunday evening during a dyad, the skies darkened, the wind rose, a few raindrops were shed and then it cleared again to sunny skies for our dinner eating contemplation.

We had the sweet joyful puppy, Molly, who loved all the activity going on and would raid our tents, eating toothbrushes, soap and various other items. Molly is so smart that she could actually unzip the tents. We also contended with her cohort the cat, who loved being in the dyad room with us. She would push the latched door open and then prance through the middle of the dyads distracting the participants. She loved being loved on and was pretty sweet throughout until she scratched one of the participants on the leg, breaking the skin. Bad kitty. All in all I think the dog and cat proved to be only minor distractions and just added to all the love.

Rick was an incredible chief/senior monitor and his ability to jump in wherever needed and hold things together amazes me. He does his job exceptionally well, it's truly a service of his heart. Jerry was our de-odder/silent monitor, and all around go-fer, (a de-odder is an extra person who sits in on the dyads whenever he may be needed to make it an even number) and he helped us an incredible amount too. Patrick and I worked well together and it all seemed to flow very smoothly with us sharing the role of Enlightenment Intensive Master.

We read lots of poems and inspiring stories. We did what's done at Enlightenment Intensives, the basic foundation being Dyad Communication, using the tried and true technique that Charles Berner (aka Yogeswar Muni) taught us. The participants contemplated their questions, Who Am I?, What Am I?, What Is Love?, What Is Life?, What Is Another?, intending to directly experience the truth and communicating whatever arises as a result of that contemplation. We did our best to help refine the technique as the dyads and days went by. Some of the new participants seemed extremely attached to personalizing the communication, continuing to say you in their communication, rather than using the term Another. One strange little kink was the Thank You, at the end of the dyad which morphed into Thank you for sharing, for several of the new participants, to the chagrin of the old-timers. We tried to guide them in the best way possible to facilitate their process and the process of others. What to be strict about and what to let slide was tricky at times. People make their choices and we wanted to respect that, while at the same time, maintaining the integrity of the technique which works if you work it. We had 32 dyads total over the course of the 3 days. We had the full spectrum of pleasure and pain, stuckness, tears, laughter, phenomena, and Enlightenment Experiences. Patrick and I shared the last dyad of the Intensive together, gazing into one another's eyes and crying while one woman's angelic voice serenaded us into bliss as she narrated her breakthrough simultaneously as it occurred.

I am so blessed and feel so honored to have been graced with the presence of all our wonderful participants and staff and especially two of my Enlightenment Master's Training buddies who came and supported me in my first endeavor to master an Intensive. And to Another who flew all the way from Georgia! I feel so much gratitude to my fellow seeker of truth, who first introduced me to the Enlightenment Intensives, my good friend and playmate, my anam cara, and co-master Patrick. Thank you sweetheart. And to Jerry, my sweetheart, husband, lover, and best friend who supports me in all I do, be, have. And to Rick of course, the chief of all chief monitors, you are the best! I could go on and on...

I will go on and on...

In truth and love.

The Messy Business of Being Human

I was a participant in the eight annual Mt. Baldy Enlightenment Intensive last wee. Lovely Cynthia picked Patrick, Jerry and I up at the Ontario airport and drove us up the mountain to the Zen Center. We settled into our cabins and then relaxed in the sun. They fed us Thursday night dinner which was an unexpected treat and eventually we gathered for the opening talk, taking in the other participants and anticipating the wild ride we knew we were all in for. Then it was off to bed with our contemplations. I was working on What Am I?

I froze half the night and couldn't fall asleep. I was in a cabin with 3 other women and everyone else seemed quiet and comfortable, but of course, we never know what's really going on for another unless we are sitting in dyad with them. I finally pulled myself up out of bed and cranked up the heat. Ah, sleep finally arrived although I continued to wake on and off throughout the rest of the night. The 5:55 bell came with the announcement, "Good morning, this is the first day of the Enlightenment Intensive, you have 20 minutes until the morning talk."

It was a powerful Intensive for me. Lots of stuff kept coming up about living in the moment and acceptance. What else is there to do? I exist in the moment and if I'm intending to experience the truth of myself directly, the moment is probably the best set up for that experience.

I started looking for the obvious in what I am. I exist. I intend. I desire. I make choices. I notice. I have set up my whole life around connecting with others. This seems to be my foremost path, what I desire and yearn for. I kept recalling my most recent experiences with ego--various opportunities for connection with another and ego getting in my way. It has an agenda other than my own. Ego is always busy with its "to do" list. It always has something important to give to another, or to get from another, some information or this or that or another thing. Sometimes it's busy working to impress another. Always one thing or another, things that don't interest me, that I have no investment in. I get so bored, so weary with ego's running around. I find myself functioning on automatic, ego in control. I'll be there, engaging without really engaging and then I wake up and find myself doing ego's bidding. "Hey, wait a minute" I say to ego, "this is my show, my life, my agenda here, so back off", and then I go about my business of connecting, being present, being available to another. Ego's pattern is insidious and difficult to change.

I know ego is doing it's best to take care of me and frankly, it does a fairly decent job most of the time. But it's too uppity and a control freak. It's nervous about it's survival, anxious and impatient. I've been too lenient with it, extended its leash too long and given it free run over my affairs. It's time to reign it in. Sorry ego, you gotta back off now, you've been stealing the show for too long and this is my debut. I'm the star in this drama.

Erik and Edrid were co-mastering this Intensive and the perfect masters they were. At one point, Eric was talking about the messiness of life. He used the analogy that we are all made of clay and poop and how we just sling pieces of ourselves, clay and poop all over each other. I got a picture of a potter at work, sitting at her wheel forming a beautiful bowl which to me, symbolized the building of relationship. Pieces of clay where splattering all over. Relating with another and creating intimacy is a messy business. We humans are messy, with another we lose ourselves and find ourselves and make a big splattering mess in the process. We do our work. We witness another's work. This is love. This is the dyad process.

At the Enlightenment Intensive it's not about working on a specific relationship with another but rather about intending to directly experience the truth of the moment and opening ourselves to receive that truth. It's also about opening ourselves to another, being nakedly open to receiving whatever they have to offer. Opening ourselves to another's splattering messiness and accepting it without opinion or judgment. And the amazing with this is that we don't get dirty. The poop flies, the clay flies, and we are so open, so totally non-resistant to this stuff, it just dissipates into it's native nothingness. All we do is get it and let it go. We give the gift of understanding. Another's messiness does not sully us.

Eric also offered the analogy of taking out the trash...that's a lot of what is going on when the active partner is contemplating and communicating. So much of what we are holding on to and identifying with is just simply garbage and it needs to be released, kind of like a big stinky fart or belch. We are helping another take our their trash and we don't even have to wash our hands in the process. At other times what comes out of another are these incredibly beautiful sparkling gems of truth. And as we sit there openly receiving, the light of these truth gems strike us with their brilliance and open us more, filling us with the truth of our own selves. We accept it all with understanding and compassion and the process works it's magic on us.

At one point I was experiencing being stuck. I had all these ideas, perhaps correct ones, about what I am but correct ideas are not direct experiences. Edrid told me that maybe I needed to take the leap. I said I would if I had any clue what to leap into. I also told him about the moments when I "show up" and he encouraged me that that's the time to delve deep into my question. What is my experience of Self when I show up? I'll continue to be working on that. One thing I've noticed is that I feel very warm and transparent. I'm also in love. And happy.

As the Intensive drew on I came to understand the leap I need to take. It is of course leaping more into my life. Taking the plunge into a deeper truth. I've put my toes in the water and that's a start. I'm inspecting the truth fabric of my daily life and patching up the areas that have worn thin. I've been letting ego get away with some indulgences and some threads could break if I'm not careful, leaving a hole for me to fall through. And that landing would stir up too much mud in the pond.

Sincerity Versus Seriousness

I've been busy all week with back to back students at the college, all coming in last minute, (actually, after the fact) for their priority registration, wanting to know what classes they should take next semester. Many of the classes they want have already closed because registration started 9 days ago. Oh, the life of a student. I remember the days.

I've also been working on the schedule for the Enlightenment Intensive that my friend Patrick and I are co-mastering on May 1st. I finally have that finished. Yeah! Twenty things down, fifty to go! It's all good. I'm excited.

Tomorrow Jerry, Patrick and I leave for an Enlightenment Intensive at the Mt. Baldy Zen Center in SoCal. It will be the perfect space for me to clear my mind and move closer to the Truth. I'm really looking forward to the work. Yesterday, when I mentioned to a friend that I was taking this Intensive very seriously, I was told that Charles Berner, the man who created the Enlightenment Intensive, said there was a difference in being serious and sincere. I got that immediately. Here's the difference, dictionary wise.

Sincerity: freedom from deceit, hypocrisy, or duplicity; probity in intention or in communicating; earnestness.

Seriousness: showing, or characterized by deep thought; of grave or somber disposition, character, or manner; a serious occasion; being in earnest; sincere; not trifling; His interest was serious; requiring thought, concentration, or application; giving cause for apprehension; critical.

Since being earnest was in the definition for both, I looked it up too.

Earnest: Marked by or showing deep sincerity or seriousness: an earnest gesture of goodwill. Of an important or weighty nature; grave.

Ha, "deep sincerity or seriousness". When we were discussing sincerity and seriousness I thought of being earnest and how this was a quality I possessed a lot of in my younger years. Everything seemed so important, weighty and grave in nature. I'm not really so fond of "being earnest" these days, although surely there are worst things to be, like glib and cynical. These were words I actually used to describe myself with some sense of pride. My nature is really not glib or cynical but I have learned to take on these qualities in a superficial way. I've learned to appreciate glib and cynical attitudes in a very non-serious, non sincere and non earnest way. Maybe the term I'm looking for here is "feigned glibness". Perhaps it's a coping mechanism for dealing with the sometimes unbearable harshness of the human condition. My way of being in the world reflects a preference for taking things a little lighter now--a sweet lighthearted sincerity sprinkled with some feigned glibness.

So, with all of that, I'm heading off to this Enlightenment Intensive with sincerity of intention to know the truth of What I Am. I'll hopefully we weeding out some lies. I'll be back on Monday.

Who Am I? (Two)

I'm excited. Waiting for the universe to unfold before me. No worries, no fear. Excited anticipation for the next unfurling petal, the taste of dripping dew nectar. I feel intense and yet calm desire. Deep penetrating yearning to connect, to be present with life, with Another. Love is creeping slowing but steadily behind me, I sense it sneaking up on me and I allow it to play its game.

A Swirling Spiral of Communion

Today I had 50 minutes of walking contemplation by the creek with no rattlers shaking their tails at me.

What Am I?

What kept arising in my consciousness as I intended to experience the truth of what I am and opened to my awareness of the moment?

I am what fills my body and brings it to life. I am the earth that moves under
my feet. I am the pleasure of the warmth of the sun and the
refreshing cool breeze on my skin. I am nothing and everything. I am all
of this and more.

I saw a triad, one woman and two men, sitting together on the bank of the creek, enjoying one another's company in playful conversation, and later walking together. I love threesomes. The energy of three creates such a powerful stimulation, a swirling spiral of communion. I thought of me and Pema and Ren, of me and Buddhapest and Ren. Of possibilities.

Communication As Communion

Today I was contemplating Enlightenment Intensives and the dyad work they consist of. This technique of contemplation and communication is a powerful tool for clearing oneself of all the mind stuff we generate on a daily basis.

I emailed Jerry and thanked him for his willingness to be real, for sharing his truth, for engaging in deep spiritual work with me. We've been committed partners in life and love and dyad communication work has been our path long before we ever knew about Enlightenment Intensives. When we met we both had a fairly clear idea of how to not do relationship. We set our sights on loving each other first and foremost through honest communication. Well, that and good sex. We didn't know how to do it so well when we first started and we've made many blunders but our intentions were always strong. We've been learning and practicing lots about communication and what it really takes to be authentic and to tell the truth. We fell in love and then started learning how to love. Wow, what a journey it's been.

Both of us work at clearing our minds on pretty much a daily basis. Some of this we do alone of course--individual practices that we've each found valuable. We also do the work of sharing together, receiving and understanding the nitty gritty details of the other's heart, mind and emotions. It's amazing how sharing mind stuff stuff allows me to release it, transform it and sometimes I gain incredible insight about myself too.

I have lots of thoughts and my ego loves to make up stories with these thoughts. There is a never ending supply. Ego prefers clinging to everything that passes by, either by embracing it with full on affectionate attachment or pushing it away with repulsed rejection and thereby summoning the tar baby effect.

We lead full and complicated lives both together and separately. We both have two income generating, energy and time consuming jobs; nine children; 14 grandchildren; one mother with Alzheimer's; books to read; films to watch; concerts to attend; Enlightenment Intensives; Yoga class (that we keep missing due to other engagements); friends to visit; lovers to love; not to mention toilet bowls to scrub and taxes to prepare. We've continually got piles of work sitting in our pending boxes, waiting to be processed. We've go lots of communicating to do!

Sometimes I think that perhaps the burden of my sharing is too much. But I've learned to share without the ulterior motive of judging Jerry or manipulating him to change. My ego knows how to do this well--"If I share with him how much this hurts me then surely he will stop doing it." Maybe he will and maybe he won't, that's not the point of communication. I don't really want him to change (most of the time anyway) what I really want is to share my truth of the moment and to be understood. And notwithstanding the fact that we take gentle care of one another's hearts, he and I are both getting better at holding on to self rather than kowtowing to the other's fears. I'm gaining more insight into the covert motivations and strategies that attach themselves to my truths in order for my ego to feel safe. As I share my secrets with Jerry with an open heart, including my strategies and ulterior motives, I notice that my "ego needs" lessen their death grip and their power over me is loosened. I'm learning to use communication as communion. I share with an open heart in order to be received with an open heart, without judgment or opinion, to be welcomed and understood by another and this helps me to better welcome and understand myself.

The point of sharing is for the information to leave the realm of the mind and to enter into knowingness. The mind fills up with things that are not fully experienced, integrated and understood. Thoughts and feelings, all those little things left unsaid become suspended in our minds, stuck in our bodies and then build walls between people, barriers between hearts which start to feel unsafe and close down. Full on, unadulterated communication that is fully received, clears the mind and one becomes ready to directly experience the truth of oneself and the truth of another.

Yes, today I was having a wave of recognition of the power, the blessing of mine and Jerry's relationship. We have created a special communion with each other through communication. I've experienced the truth as a sacrament. Our journey has been profound. We do good work together. We make great love. Great sex too.

The Fire Of Love

The Love Intensive I attended February 15-18 was wonderful. My friend Osha who was to master the Intensive had come down with the terrible flu bug that's going around and it had turned into bronchitis. Jon, whom I had taken the master's training with in 2006 had stepped up to walk in her golden slippers, mastering his first intensive and did a fine job.
Jerry had two gigs that weekend so he wasn't able to attend. But he drove me there on his way to the Bay Area, which added 2 hours to his normally 3 hour trip. On Monday he worked from 7:30 to 3:00 and then drove the 3 hours to pick me up and another 3 hours home. What a guy. He is so good to me.
Opening to the truth of love is an incredible thing. More of what I've already been working on in my life right now just continued coming up for me. That, and some new stuff too. I tend to get lots of images during the Intensives and I had this thought to eventually tattoo all of them on various parts of my body. I have none just yet but that will change soon--I have been planning on getting a tattoo for at least 12 plus years now and one of these days it will happen!
One of the new images that arrived this time was a wild horse that I'm riding bareback--Love, taking me for the ride of my life. With no reins I'm hanging on for dear life to the horse's mane. It's a beautiful golden color like the fields and mountains in the summer when the grass is dry.
I also saw images of the sacred heart. Love was piercing me deeply and pulling out wooden stakes and chards of glass from old wounds, exposing raw vulnerabilities that were dripping blood. It hurt, but the pain was a good pain, like when one is receiving a really deep massage on very sore muscles and it hurts so good you don't want it to ever stop. The sacred heart had a sword through it, and wings. I was flying in love, bleeding life force and leaving traces of my pain behind me.
I had some fun memories such as the one of my first love affair. I was in sixth grade, away for a week or two at summer camp. I met a boy named Larry and we hooked up. He was an eighth grader who gave me his really cool silver and black onyx cross to wear. It symbolized pretty much the same thing as a guy giving a girl his ring-- we were going steady. This was my first foray into the world of monogamy, promising myself to a guy as his one and only. We hung out together and kissed a lot, enjoying each other's company. When our time at camp was ending and everyone was lining up to get on the buses that would take us home to our respective cities, Larry came up and asked for his cross back. I know he still liked me but he didn't have the skills to part ways with me gracefully. We lived in different cities, were probably never going to see each other again, and he wanted his cross back. I was sad but I understood, kind of. We called each other once or twice and talked long distance on our parent's phone bills before it was completely over.

A month or so later the letter arrived. It was from a boy named Steve. He was Larry's best friend at camp and I remembered him vaguely. Unbeknownst to me, Steve had fallen head over heels in love with me at camp. In his letter he reintroduced himself and explained the pure hell he had gone through, refraining from interjecting himself into my and Larry's love affair. But when Larry had basically broken it off with me at camp, Steve's heart soared, and then later when he and Larry spoke on the phone and it was confirmed that we were no longer a couple, he felt released from his bond of loyalty to his friend and decided to write me. To this day I still remember the words with which he ended his love letter to me:

Adrienne, I want to throw myself down at your feet and tell you how I feel about you. I love you and God bless you. Steve

We corresponded for several years. He lived in the Petaluma area and one of his neighbors was Charles Schultz, the creator of Charlie Brown and the Peanuts characters. He even sent me a couple of the Peanuts books along with other trinkets of his affection. Now I try to remember if they were actually autographed. I think they were. Darn, why didn't I hold on to them?



I had memories of the unconditional love of my grandmother, Mary Jane and my grandfather, Ivan. I have so many memories of my grandfather who died when I was only two years old. He was holding me when he had his heart attack--first gently placing me down on the floor before falling out of his chair and dying. I remember this event vividly.

My mother had moved home to live with my grandparents when I was a few weeks old. She laid me in my crib at night to sleep but I would have none of that and neither would my grandfather. I would cry and he would rescue me, putting me to bed between him and my grandmother. I slept between them until he died and then I slept with my grandmother until my mother remarried and we moved away when I was six. My grandmother was the first true love of my life and Jerry the second. He even sang me that song the day we were married...true love is hard to find... My grandmother moved back in with us when I was ten and shared a room with me. Later, when she had dementia, she went to live in a care home. I would visit her often and sometimes take her for drives. She would always sing to me--songs with words like:

Silver streaks upon the gold, darling I am growing old...

And:

Oh my poor Nellie Mae, they have taken you away, and I'll never see my darling anymore, they have taken you to Georgia to wile your life away, while I toil in the cotton and the cane.

I was seventeen and pregnant with my first child when she died. She was ninety-two.

Love was melting me. I felt like yellow butter in a pot on a low flame. I was slow cooking and all my impurities where rising to the top to be scooped off. The fire of love was transforming me into golden amber colored ghee, a wonderful ingredient for cooking with powerful medicinal qualities.
I imagined myself fire walking. I shared this with my dyad partner explaining, You know, those long fire pits where people walk on the hot coals and don't get burned--but sometimes they do! I laughed and said, I don't have any blisters yet.

Lots kept coming up about the Anam Cara, soul friend. I was raised in Christian churches where we sang lots of gospel songs. I remember one that seemed to relate to the Anam Cara:

What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and hopes to bear. What a
privilege to carry, everything to the Lord in prayer.

This hymn reflects much of what we do in the dyads, meeting with a soul friend and sharing whatever arises a a result of our contemplation--bearing our sins and our hopes. It's a privilege to participate in such a prayer.

Once, before slipping into sleeping contemplation for the night I thought, Adrienne, you are playing with fire and you might get burned. Yep, I answered, I sure am. And I won't stop. Let the Fire of Love burn me but I won't stop. I'll never stop. Let it burn me to ashes if it must.

Know The Truth Now

When people contemplate enlightenment they often think of The Buddha. Jesus, Rumi, or Muhammad among many others may also come to mind. What specific aspect of character did these personalities possess that makes their greatness so obvious? I imagine that each of them experienced a fundamental shift in consciousness that allowed them to directly experience the truth. In other words, they were enlightened beings.

Regardless of your cultural and spiritual influences there is only one kind of enlightenment. There is not one enlightenment for the students of Zen, another that one aspires for through practicing yoga, one that is attainable by chanting Hindu japa and yet another that is arrived at through meditation and prayer. Enlightenment is enlightenment. The truth is the truth.

Some consider enlightenment as a rare reward, only attainable by a few individuals who are willing to give away all of their earthly possessions, separate themselves from family and friends and spend their lives meditating in a cave or monastery. But enlightenment is available to anyone who chooses to pursue it and such sacrifices are not necessary or appropriate for everyone. The paths to enlightenment are varied, each suitable in different ways depending on a person’s walk in life.

“O God, My God What Shall I Do? And if everyway is closed before you, the secret one will show a secret path no other eyes have seen.”--Rumi

One path to enlightenment is the Enlightenment Intensive, which was developed in 1968 by Charles Berner (1929-2007), also known as Yogeshwar Muni. Yogeshwar had studied humanistic psychology for years, working extensively with individuals helping them to improve their relationships through communication. As his interest in accelerating the process of self-discovery grew, he developed the idea of combining western style dyad communication work along with a Rinzai Zen style of contemplation using various Zen koans such as Who Am I? or What Am I? The results were that his students started describing personal experiences that were identical to the enlightenment experiences described by people who have sat in silent meditation for years and years.

The 3-day Enlightenment Intensive is a residential workshop that combines the age-old practice of reflective contemplation with verbal communication. During the retreat, all of your basic needs are provided for in an environment that is free from the distractions of your daily life. There is no belief system for you to follow and no one attempts to tell you what the truth is. The combined contemplation and dyad communication technique allows you to move past mental constructs, memories, ideas, insights, traumas, and false identifications in an accelerated fashion. This process empties the mind, making it possible for you to breakthrough into enlightenment and directly experience the truth.

A direct experience is different than the usual indirect methods we normally use to understand something via our senses, thinking, reasoning, feelings, believing etc. A direct experience is self-evident and beyond doubt. The truth is that which actually exists apart from and not dependent on what we sense, think, reason, feel or believe.

The enlightenment that many participants experience on an Enlightenment Intensive is the same enlightenment that Buddha experienced. No doubt, Buddha’s enlightenment was extraordinarily deep, but the direct experiences of truth are the same. So although the extent of Buddha’s enlightenment may have been greater, there is only one type of enlightenment, which is conscious, direct knowing of oneself.

People with direct experience of the truth have a deeper understanding of self and others. Their relationships, along with the overall quality of their lives improve. They tend to communicate more skillfully and to create more personal happiness in their lives.
Although we can’t force enlightenment to happen, an Enlightenment Intensive is a powerful and easily accessible opportunity where the perfect environment is created for a direct experience of the truth to arrive, through grace, for those intending to know it.

“Separate from yourself that which separates you from others.”—Bawa Muhaiyaddeen

Enlightenment Intensives are not part of any structured organization or belief system. They are a tried and true technique, made available by trained individuals throughout the world. There are some books that have been written that describe the process in detail and also many websites dedicated to this practice. One of my favorites is Edrid's site, which also provides a list of Enlightenment Intensives scheduled throughout the United States. You can also simply google Enlightenment Intensive and/or Dyad Communication to pull up lots of information.