Have Mercy

All this jealous energy! Goodness. Breathing. It's good. Yes. I ask for this, right? It brings to me blog. That's good. Jealousy inspiring my writing I see. Okay.

He asked her if she wanted to be his lover? I think that's what he said--or meant?

Who wouldn't want to be her lover? She is beautiful. Sexy. Smart. Sweet. Salty. And those breasts. Nice body. I like her. A. Lot.

And then his dream. Hummm.

But then right after he reveals all this he tells me he doesn't know if he'll have time for me this weekend.

Okay.

Fuck.

All is good.

But sometimes I feel insecure. Just want to know I'm loved.

But then, I know that.

No doubt.

Just want to know he's in love.

With me.

Don't know that.

Maybe nothing to know.

Lord. Have mercy on me.

A Love Story

I remember Pema always saying that men are much simpler than women are when it comes to love, that their needs in love relationships are less complicated than a woman's needs.

When it comes to love, I am a complicated woman. To be sure. I yearn to be claimed, possessed by the men I love. If I love a man who is reluctant to claim me, who is not overcome with passion to possess me and who does not act on this passion, I suffer endlessly. My heart breaks. I become distraught with dissatisfaction.

But be sure, if a man in his self-righteous sense of importance, perceives my time and attention as anything less than a gift, my availability as something that is in anyway owed him, or somehow his right--if he suggests a possessive claim on me, my desire for him diminishes. My passion fails. I balk at his arrogance and lose interest.

And jealousy? Well, a little jealously can be a good thing as it suggests attachment to the love bond, an acknowledgment of the significance of the relationship. But beware, feeling a little (or even a lot) of jealousy momentarily is one thing, while acting on it in some obvious and overt way is extremely unattractive and off-putting.

All this a fine line for a man to walk. A very fine line. I understand. Like I said, I am a complicated woman.

And then again, it's just a story. A good story. A true story. But nevertheless, just a story. Not to make light of it. No, not at all.

One Penis Policy

Mistress Matisse writes about One Penis Policy in Seattle's, The Stranger, Control Tower.

Jealousy, Connection/Separation

Besides the rug burn on my knees there was more that made it an interesting weekend. I was telling Ren the story and she said, "Oh my, so when are you going to blog about this!?" Well I've been known to blog about my insecurities and emotional immaturity before. Why stop now just to save face by putting on the facade of how cool and polyamorously advanced I wish I was.

The current drama started on Thursday night. I got jealous. Yes, moi. Jealous. Again. I have worked through so much of my jealous and possessive nature. I used to be way worse. Really I was. This work is a huge part of my spiritual path, discovering the truth of self and transforming my ego into less of a bully. Jealousy feels like shit and I'd really approve of getting over it sooner than later. But when it rears its ugly head I realize what a tenacious monster it is.

I must say this--it's not all my fault! I refuse to take all the blame. I'm being facetious saying this of course because it's not about whose fault it is, or who's to blame and of course my thoughts, emotions and actions are my own responsibility...but just the same. When I look back over the details of this jealously taking its hold on me, I think H. was pretty darn insensitive. His insensitivity triggered me big time. He is generally so attentive and caring, so concerned and gentle with my heart that this contrast, this perceived coldness and distant separation to my needs just smacked me good and I got really angry.

Hey, being in real relationships and balancing everything that comes up is much more challenging than theoretical polyamory. And it's not others who are causing the waves, although of course they could, and eventually probably will to some extent, if and when those relationships deepen intimately. But this is just our stuff, insecurities related to the changes we are dealing with inside of our own relationship.

So we fought, or rather I fought with him because my feelings were hurt and then he wasn't bending over backwards to take care of my needs. He went to bed so I tried to let it go and follow suit--we cuddled but then I couldn't sleep and it was a restless night for both of us. Friday morning we were exhausted and needed to go our separate ways with our busyness. And then friends showed up in the evening so we played and partied with them until late with no opportunity to talk and love it out. Saturday came with more preoccupation with a friend who had spent the night with us. We walked around the farmer's market and visited with friends but we were both off balance and needed to connect with no real opportunity to do so. H had business to take care of so he left for the afternoon and I had a date with lover who is my lover for the afternoon and night so H. and I went our separate ways again with the energy gentle but unsettled between us.

Lover who is my lover and I went to a friend's 50th birthday party. It was in the foothills at a place I haven't been to in awhile but is very special to me, a place I hold sacred where I've spent many, many happy hours, days, of my life singing, sweating, meditating, dancing, partying, being in community with beautiful friends. It was a sweet party where I had the opportunity to connect with a few folks I haven't seen in a long time and I enjoyed being there with lover who is my lover. We left the party and shared a very sweet night together and then with the dawn of a new day I noticed my energy all caught up in my solar plexus, my emotional center, which was out of whack with all the unsettled stuff that was up with H. Lover who is my lover and I did some errands together and then he took me to see my mommy. I felt really appreciative of that and she was obviously needing a visit when we popped in on her--a little attention does her a world of good. Afterwards I went home to be with H.

As soon as I walked in the door it was all I could do to keep from crying. I wasn't ready yet. I felt disconnected from lover who is my lover and disconnected from H. so I just settled in to experience the emotions I knew were coming. I've blogged before about my personal journey with this relational dynamic here. It's the dance of separation/connection. I knew it was just my ego playing its tricks on me so I tried not to make up any stories and to just experience the emptiness and vulnerability I was feeling in all its fullness rather than resist the separation. H. and I talked a little and I was hungry so we walked downtown and got some dinner and then strolled around for the Christmas Preview. People crowded the streets and we ran into some friends. I wasn't feeling social so we parted ways with them. It was nice to just walk around listening to the music, watching all the different dancers in the storefront windows and the people dressed in their festive attire. We held hands in silence and it felt nurturing to just be together quietly. We went home and I cried for awhile and then we watched our Sunday night movies together and then went to bed.

As we laid in bed it was good to finally talk it out. Honest talk, sweet connection, feel good sex. We cuddled in each other's arms and went to sleep. This morning there was more to say. And there will be more tonight I'm sure, before the dust is all settled this time around.

A Perpetual Feedback Loop

I was a major control freak a good portion of my adult life. I became more and more aware of this tendency when I was in relationship with my youngest son's father. He was a total control freak too.

I was a very controlling mother. I had these strong ideas and beliefs about life in general and motherhood specifically. I thought it was my job to teach my children how to be in the world and to make sure they followed suit. Strong minded and willful kids that they were, there was a lot of head butting going on in our home.

I've been diligently working to release my pathological need to control others (children, partner, family, friends, various relationships and life situations) for many years now, with more and more conscious awareness during the last 14 years, while in relationship with my sweet husband, Jerry.

My perceived need to control arises from fear. I had a a lot of scary things happen in my childhood and I had been taught well by the controlling adults in my life. My childhood was one where it was unsafe to be authentic and tell the truth. I perceived myself as a victim of others, those in my own family as well as my community at large. I wanted what I wanted from life and the only way I saw that happening was if I could control others and anyway that I could weasel myself into a situation and cause some effect, hopefully in my favor, I went for it. Of course, I did most of this unconsciously--I didn't realize I was trying to control others.

I was always a very spiritually minded person, always seeking guidance from above, below, within, without. I wanted the truth and I struggled to see a glimpse, hear a whisper, feel a divine touch. But ultimately, I was out of control, or I should say, my ego was in control and it constantly made up stories that scared me and whipped me into submission. Submission to my ego means, Fight for your life! Get on top! Hold your place! You must be in control at all cost!

As the years went by, I started learning the art of non-resistance, the grace of letting go and releasing the illusion of control. It's been quite the journey.

Here's an excerpt from a little book called Compersion by Deborah Taj Anapol--

Jealousy and Control

Jealousy often masks a fear of losing control. Jealousy can be both a strategy for controlling your beloved and a reaction to your failure to maintain control. Ego wants to be in charge so he can feel safe. Ego finds it hard to believe that the only real safety lies in giving up control to Higher Self, to the Soul, to the Tao, to God/Goddess, to the Mother of us all. So jealousy comes to bring your fear to the surface. What a gift.

Do not make the mistake of entering into a power struggle with your beloved. Instead, use this opportunity to see how your controlling nature keeps you from knowing who you really are.

Seek the balance point by communicating your truth and asking for what you want. Be willing to accept "no" for an answer. Trust your inner guidance to show you another path if the one you are on turns impossible rocky. Release control and you will be given what you truly need. No matter if it doesn't look like what you think you want.

I notice, that the more I allow myself to feel my fear and then communicate it, it releases. I know I am receiving what I truly need and one thing I'm noticing is that what I need keeps evolving more and more into what I want and vice versa. It's a perpetual feedback loop. Releasing fear releases the need to control and increases the love I experience in my life.

Picasso's Crying Woman and Me

He didn't think I'd cry; get jealous; have waves of anger rush up. I write about compersion don't I? He doesn't like hurting me and yet he's more than willing to hurt me for the opportunity to be alone with her. I understand. I suppose. It's the same for me. But he's never wanted to leave me behind before, to choose to spend his time with someone else, rather than me. He takes to this like a duck to water. I told him I'd do the same to him, in a hot second. And I would. I have. He didn't think it was funny when I told him I'd rather he be the one left alone and crying. I was joking. Kinda sorta. Didn't I say awhile back that I was sick of theoretical polyamory?

Here are a couple of quotes from something personal that I was reading today. They are private and I haven't asked permission to print them so I'm not honoring the authors.

"The ego (identification with the mind) can only survive in secrecy, tension
and hiding. Exposing the personal and the personality is exactly what
brings about its purification and fruition."

"What you bring forth will save you, what you don't bring forth will destroy you'.

So I share this stuff and expose a small piece of my vulnerability, my breaking heart that is willing to crack open in order to love more.

Mitelli's 1678 series

Giuseppe Maria Mitelli (1634-1718).
1678 series
‘There’s no love without jealousy’;
‘He doesn't know peace, nor does he esteem it, who hasn’t first tried war.’


Thanks to spamula.

It's Not Fair, Dammit!

My Current Crucifixtion

Being so blessed as to live right in downtown Chico, Jerry and I have this little Saturday morning ritual where we walk downtown, (usually to the Farmer's Market if our favorite coffee cart is there) get some coffee and socialize with friends. On our way home we often stop by The Discovery Shoppe, a little second hand store where we pick up inexpensive little odds and ends. Today I spend $1 on a metal crucifix to hang up somewhere around the house, probably in my bathroom. This crucifix, Jesus hanging on the cross, is in honor of my pathetic self. I've been enjoying, well truly not enjoying, but I've been compelled recently to hang myself upon the cross of jealousy and suffering. I've been in my pain body a lot this last week. So it's a little reminder of the fruitlessness of my ways. But I am trying to be tender with myself because I'm really in a way right now.

Thing is, I have lots of theorectic understanding. I set my life up very intuitively. It seems that many people first have experiences and thereafter, rearrange their lives and change their behaviors to match their experiences. My tendency is to intuitively know things without actually experiencing them, some part of me still gets it on a very deep level. Perhaps I just have very deep insights. Then I go about arranging my life and behavior to match some theory or concept I've had some insight about, that I deeply identify with. Eventually I tend to have experiences that match up. What I'm going through right now is one of those shifts from intellectual and intuitive understanding to being in the midst of the actual experience. This is my opportunity to just be in my stuff, hold on to myself and just sit with it. I'm not having an easy time and I give myself about a C- at this point.

whimper whimper

A Picture Says A Thousand Words