Jealousy, Connection/Separation

Besides the rug burn on my knees there was more that made it an interesting weekend. I was telling Ren the story and she said, "Oh my, so when are you going to blog about this!?" Well I've been known to blog about my insecurities and emotional immaturity before. Why stop now just to save face by putting on the facade of how cool and polyamorously advanced I wish I was.

The current drama started on Thursday night. I got jealous. Yes, moi. Jealous. Again. I have worked through so much of my jealous and possessive nature. I used to be way worse. Really I was. This work is a huge part of my spiritual path, discovering the truth of self and transforming my ego into less of a bully. Jealousy feels like shit and I'd really approve of getting over it sooner than later. But when it rears its ugly head I realize what a tenacious monster it is.

I must say this--it's not all my fault! I refuse to take all the blame. I'm being facetious saying this of course because it's not about whose fault it is, or who's to blame and of course my thoughts, emotions and actions are my own responsibility...but just the same. When I look back over the details of this jealously taking its hold on me, I think H. was pretty darn insensitive. His insensitivity triggered me big time. He is generally so attentive and caring, so concerned and gentle with my heart that this contrast, this perceived coldness and distant separation to my needs just smacked me good and I got really angry.

Hey, being in real relationships and balancing everything that comes up is much more challenging than theoretical polyamory. And it's not others who are causing the waves, although of course they could, and eventually probably will to some extent, if and when those relationships deepen intimately. But this is just our stuff, insecurities related to the changes we are dealing with inside of our own relationship.

So we fought, or rather I fought with him because my feelings were hurt and then he wasn't bending over backwards to take care of my needs. He went to bed so I tried to let it go and follow suit--we cuddled but then I couldn't sleep and it was a restless night for both of us. Friday morning we were exhausted and needed to go our separate ways with our busyness. And then friends showed up in the evening so we played and partied with them until late with no opportunity to talk and love it out. Saturday came with more preoccupation with a friend who had spent the night with us. We walked around the farmer's market and visited with friends but we were both off balance and needed to connect with no real opportunity to do so. H had business to take care of so he left for the afternoon and I had a date with lover who is my lover for the afternoon and night so H. and I went our separate ways again with the energy gentle but unsettled between us.

Lover who is my lover and I went to a friend's 50th birthday party. It was in the foothills at a place I haven't been to in awhile but is very special to me, a place I hold sacred where I've spent many, many happy hours, days, of my life singing, sweating, meditating, dancing, partying, being in community with beautiful friends. It was a sweet party where I had the opportunity to connect with a few folks I haven't seen in a long time and I enjoyed being there with lover who is my lover. We left the party and shared a very sweet night together and then with the dawn of a new day I noticed my energy all caught up in my solar plexus, my emotional center, which was out of whack with all the unsettled stuff that was up with H. Lover who is my lover and I did some errands together and then he took me to see my mommy. I felt really appreciative of that and she was obviously needing a visit when we popped in on her--a little attention does her a world of good. Afterwards I went home to be with H.

As soon as I walked in the door it was all I could do to keep from crying. I wasn't ready yet. I felt disconnected from lover who is my lover and disconnected from H. so I just settled in to experience the emotions I knew were coming. I've blogged before about my personal journey with this relational dynamic here. It's the dance of separation/connection. I knew it was just my ego playing its tricks on me so I tried not to make up any stories and to just experience the emptiness and vulnerability I was feeling in all its fullness rather than resist the separation. H. and I talked a little and I was hungry so we walked downtown and got some dinner and then strolled around for the Christmas Preview. People crowded the streets and we ran into some friends. I wasn't feeling social so we parted ways with them. It was nice to just walk around listening to the music, watching all the different dancers in the storefront windows and the people dressed in their festive attire. We held hands in silence and it felt nurturing to just be together quietly. We went home and I cried for awhile and then we watched our Sunday night movies together and then went to bed.

As we laid in bed it was good to finally talk it out. Honest talk, sweet connection, feel good sex. We cuddled in each other's arms and went to sleep. This morning there was more to say. And there will be more tonight I'm sure, before the dust is all settled this time around.