Matisse and Monk

Mistress Matisse has a link to a new podcast up today. She and Monk talk about Polyamory, BDSM, and the "not-so-good idea of comparing your partners." They also talk a little about Monks wife, Tambo.

Sadistic Love

I'm loving Mistress Matisse's new article in The Stranger's Control Tower. It's called Hurt the Ones You Love. So if a little sadistic love suits your fancy, go for it.

sWitch

My friend S. is celebrating her 50th birthday on Halloween and she wants everyone to come as witches (or better yet click here for wicca)--if that suits our creative self-expressive fancy. Jerry had figured out his persona and costume--Jon Ben Jova (think New Jersey, Jersey City accent), inspired by Jon Bon Jovi of course so after dinner we went to the Halloween store to pick him up a wig. When we got home he modeled his costume for me and oh Lordy, I'll bend over for you any day baby. I'll definitely post some Halloween pictures. It's going to be quite the party, not one to miss this year. One of Chico's old time favorite bands, Road Raison will be playing.

In the process of picking out his wig I found the inspiration for my own witch persona and costume. It was a black vinyl witch's hat in full BDSM fashion, silver chains and all. Looking at the hat, which I ended up purchasing, it came to me--I'm going as a switch. Makes total sense since I actually have very switchy tendencies, enjoying both sides of dominance/submission sexual play depending on my mood. I also found some cool black fishnet thigh highs with vinyl lacing at the top. And I already have both a cat o' nine tails and a leash and collar.

Halloween, Samhain, and Day of the Dead, as with Burningman has always been a time for me to dress up and enter into the role of one of my alternate or shadow personalities. My theory and a big part of my spiritual practice is to bring my shadow self into the light. Our shadows offer us a significant piece of the truth of self that must be allowed and integrated into our out front personality--the part of us that we prefer to present to others most of the time. Mindfulness of the shadow is an important part of emotional maturity, mental equilibrium and spiritual growth.

Check This Out*BDSM

Mistress Matisse posted this on her site on May 9th, 2005 and I'm re-posting it in full. Copyright has been waived. See below for credit given where credit is due. I post this here specially for those interested in better understanding the principles of ethical BDSM. Also, some of these principles are applicable to all relationships without the BDSM element. Other principles more specific to BDSM are still useful for non BDSM relationships with just a kink of vanilla twist. Enjoy.

SOME PRINCIPLES OF ETHICAL BDSM

Copyright is hereby waived to the following, which may be reprinted or reposted without charge or permission, but please give credit where due! Anyone may adapt and build on this starting point -- including the author. Thanks to the many participants in the workshop at Leather Leadership Conference IX in Phoenix, AZ, where these principles made their debut and received some much-needed qualifications, corrections, and additions.slave david stein, gorgik@aol.com, ward of Master Steve of Butchmann's 4/20/05AIM AT
(edited 03/30/08)

EXCELLENCE IN ALL THAT YOU DO. Otherwise, why bother? There are much easier ways to get off. Everyone who comes under your hand, or whom you submit to or serve, should be better off for the experience. Does this mean humiliation or degradation have no place in ethical BDSM? As training tools, they do; as ends in themselves, no.

BE HONEST. Don't tell lies. Don't be complicit in lies by others. Withhold no necessary information. Never promise what you can't deliver. Acknowledged roles and fantasies aside, don't pretend to be what or who you're not. As far as possible, know your own limits and make them clear to your partner -- but also realize, if you're a bottom, sub, or slave, that these may be farther out than you imagine they are.

DO NO HARM. Giving or accepting pain is okay. Marks may be okay, even permanent ones. Temporary disabilities may be okay if complete healing is to be expected. Even helping someone die who's irreparably damaged and ready to go might be okay. But inflicting permanent harm that diminishes the quality of life or the ability to function in society and to earn a living is not okay. If you break your toys, you can't play with them anymore. And if you're a bottom, submissive, or slave, demoralizing your tops or Masters will mean that no one will want to play with, control, or own you anymore.

NEITHER INFLICT NOR ACCEPT PAIN UNINTENTIONALLY. Causing indiscriminate, unintentional pain is the mark of a bully or a dolt, while accepting pain as simply one's lot in life is a victim mentality. Sadism and Mastery are about control, and the ethical dimension requires control of the sadist or Master's own impulsive behavior. But the same goes for bottoms, submissives, and slaves, who can inflict enormous pain on their partners without meaning to, simply by acting without thinking first. And they should also take care not to accept pain they don't want, especially without a context that makes it meaningful (such as serving a beloved Dominant or Master). Pain in BDSM ought to be a deliberate transaction, not an accident or a byproduct.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ASSESSING AND MANAGING YOUR OWN RISKS. Whether you get off on risk or not, risk-management is not the exclusive responsibility of the top or Master. Everyone involved needs to become informed about the risks involved in whatever kind of scene is in the offing and decide whether they're worth running, as well as how to reduce or eliminate unnecessary risks. Being careless or stupid isn't "hot" -- it's just careless or stupid.

DON'T USE BDSM FOR THERAPY COVERTLY. Don't trap an s/m partner, let alone a D/s partner, into filling a therapist's role for you. A BDSM session can bring up deep issues and have a therapeutic effect, but unless you discuss this intention or possibility with your partner ahead of time, try to keep your personal shit out of the dungeon. The same goes double for a D/s relationship. While we should all seek whatever healing we need, whether through BDSM or otherwise, no one wants to feel, afterward, that you were just using her or him to work out your issues. If you have specific psychic or emotional trigger points, make sure your partner knows about them beforehand -- and can be trusted to avoid triggering them.

EVERYONE SHOULD FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT WHEN IT'S OVER. And this "no regrets" reaction shouldn't be limited to just five minutes later, but persist through the next day, the next week, the next month, and longer -- the more intense the session, the more time someone may need to process the feelings it brought up. With few exceptions, unless you leave your partner(s) wanting to do it again, the session wasn't right. Ideally, the same should be true of a relationship when it's over (this is much harder, but even more important).

KINKY PEOPLE ARE STILL PEOPLE. Even when we're puppies or ponies, Masters or Goddesses, slaves or toys, no one is invulnerable, unfeeling, or unworthy of the presumption of respect.

RIGHT IS BETTER THAN "RIGHT NOW." Patience is essential. Learn to wait for the right moment, the right partner, the right time to present itself. Don't be afraid to say, "Thank you, no," or "Not now." Learn to listen to your gut the right way -- not the part that screams, "Feed me!" but the part that whispers, "No, there's something wrong here" or "Yes, this is it. Go for it!"

TREAT OTHERS BETTER THAN YOURSELF. Don't shortchange them the way you often do yourself. Treat others the way you'd treat yourself if you had time for it . . . if you weren't feeling so guilty . . . if you didn't have all these deadline pressures . . . if you didn't have higher priorities . . . if you weren't a closet masochist . . .

FINISH WHAT YOU START. Don't take control of a bottom's mind unless you know how to return it again when you're finished. Don't break a bottom or a slave you're not prepared to put back together again. Don't enter training without intending to complete it, come what may (barring only the most extreme circumstances). Don't walk out of a scene partway through; if there's provocation that can't be ignored, walk away and calm down, then come back and finish it. If you enter a contractual D/s or M/s relationship, fulfill your end of the bargain no matter what; even though you can walk away without legal consequences, you forfeit your honor. Caveat: Don't enter such a contract unless there are provisions for honorable release if either party comes to find the terms intolerable. "Honorable" means due responsibility is accepted, but there's no shame, no blame, and no drama. Both parties walk away with a clean reputation and no animus toward the other.

DON'T MESS WITH SOMEONE'S LIVELIHOOD OR FAMILY. Unless someone explicitly invites you into the parts of her or his life that concern family or making a living, it's best to assume these are off limits. Therefore, nothing should occur during a session that might threaten those areas unless consent is secured in advance, before any action starts. For instance: shaving the head or eyebrows, piercings, tattooing, preventing someone from reporting in to work or calling family members . . . . The same goes for a bottom, sub, or slave encroaching on a partner's private space, like calling a number you were told not to use or interacting with his/her work colleagues or family members even though you haven't been introduced.

DON'T TAKE YOUR PARTNER(S) FOR GRANTED. Depend on them, count on them, lean on them as needed and appropriate, but never, ever lose the awareness that their presence in your life is a gift and a grace, not an entitlement, not even a quid pro quo. This is so whether you are a top or a bottom, a Master or a slave, a Dominant or a submissive, or even a switch. Having one or more partners you can count on, whether for a scene or a lifetime, is an incalculable gift. Don't devalue it by taking it for granted.

RESPECT DIVERSITY. Not everyone is turned on, or off, by the same things, or to the same degree, and that's okay. Not everyone does things the same way either, and that's okay, too. There's more than one way to swing a cat, to process pain, to wrap a mummy, to train a slave, to serve a Mistress, to scare an adrenaline junkie out of his skin, or to bring the biggest smile ever to a hard-working top's face. Be very grateful if you can master one of these ways, and don't use your achievement to put down someone who's taken a different route to the same goal.

Monogamy As The Ultimate BDSM

I have a friend who has recently committed herself to sexual monogamy. She's a poly girl who has fallen in love with a monogamous man and that's their arrangement--for the time being at least. Maybe for good. He was not willing to be in relationship with her unless she was willing to make this agreement with him and as she didn't want to lose him, that's the choice she made. She really loves this guy and recently uprooted her life to move hundreds of miles to be with him. From everything I have seen, his feelings for her are mutual. She's happy about the move and is busy settling into their new place. She's unpacking and painting and making the house a home. Their home. Sometimes she wonders about this decision she's made, and seems to sooth herself with the idea that nothing is set in stone. She talks about their arrangement as being a fluid contract. She's living for right now and right now, this feels right to her. I think it's rather kinky myself. What--you never thought of a traditionally structured monogamous relationship with vanilla flavoring as kinky? The beauty of it all came to me awhile back when I was pondering how her decision could be serving her best interests, specifically sexually, as this is where many of her relationship issues tend to challenge her. Thing is, besides being polyamorous, she is also fairly kinky so I humbly submit that this monogamous role suits her well. Think about it. What better way to play out your Bondage and Submission fantasies than to give away your power to choose who you will and will not have sex with? Now if she could only get him to start tying her up.

BDSM
Tongue-In-Cheek