A Landmark Year

I'm realizing that this has been a landmark year for polyamory in our lives. H and I are celebrating our 16th/13th anniversary in October. Sixteen years since we first dated and fell in love, and thirteen years married. We got engaged one year in. I wanted to behave responsibly for once and I liked calling him my fiance.

We always said we wanted a sexually open relationship but we fell into monogamy by default. We met and fell in love fast and deep. We were extremely busy getting to know one another, bonding, playing, working, raising kids, and having great sex, that we didn't have time for other lovers. But we talked a lot and knew that theoretically at least, we were not sexually exclusive with one another. And as the date of our actual marriage grew closer, we talked more about how we might handle our commitment to being sexually open.

So three years from when we met and fell in love we were married and then fast forward another 3 years to when we threw theory out the window and started practically applying polyamory. That was a little over 10 years ago and we had been together for almost 6 years. Fast forward another 10 years...

Besides a few, fun, loving, sexual encounters with friends here and there along the way, H. and I experienced a 5 year sexually loving relationship with one of my best friends. We were a happy little triad until we weren't. During this same time I fell in love with a young woman, a lesbian, who didn't know what to do with the fact that I had a husband. Our affair was brief and intense and never physically consummated. I had also fallen in-love with Lover Who is Not My Lover and had an on-going, complicated, sexually charged, but basically non physical relationship with him for a little over 4 years. After a long dry spell for both H. and myself, M. came along and she and H. have now been lovers for over a year and a half. I met Lover Who Is My Lover two years ago and we've been dating sexually for a year now come October.

This has been the first year of H.'s and my life together where we've both have had other significant lovers on a regular basis and from both of our perspectives, it's been good for us. It hasn't always been easy. Things aren't perfect--not exactly the way I, or he, would prefer them to be--but to quote myself once again, "We get in relationships, and fall in love with real people, not the made up persona's of our fantasies." I love my boyfriend. He is a good man and a good lover. And his wife is a gem. I love my husband. We've made a sweet life for ourselves. I like who I am, where I am going and what I am doing. I am happy--pretty much--most of the time. And nothing is keeping things from getting better. Lover Who Is Not My Lover is still in my life too and our relationship is sweet and evolving. I feel very blessed to actually be living a polyamorous life. Finally. It's what I've wanted for a very long time. I give thanks.

Still Juicy

Back from Juicy Women.

Molly likes to stretch out on her yoga ball. She loves the way it opens her yoni. The other day while she was stretching her husband came over and started eating her pussy as she rocked back and forth. They enjoyed this for a good long time and then just as they started fucking a friend showed up at their front door--which they had left open, seeing that they hadn't planned on having sex and weren't expecting any visitors! Molly was mostly out of view although her husband was not after he dropped down, allowing his shirt to cover his genitals. He smiled and said hello to the friend as she returned his greeting and explained she was just picking something up and was quickly on her way.

Lena has been feeling intense sadness, isolation and loneliness. As she told us her story we witnessed her pain and held her in our hearts. By the time group was over she felt much more connected and happy.

Rosemary is on a pretty even keel. She's happy and content with her husband...mostly. She's happy and content with her lover...mostly. She'd like more contact with her lover. More time to relax into their relationship and more time to relax into sex. When they finally do spend time together she is just starting to open up to herself about the same time they are saying good-bye. This makes her edgy and this edginess spills over and interferes with her sexual availability with her husband.

Randi is back, once again with her married lover. They keep breaking up and getting back together, breaking up and getting back together...They are totally in-love and caught up in New Relationship Energy. They are having sex just about everyday and she is having the most incredible orgasms of her life. They want to be together but he doesn't want to deal with the pain of breaking up his 30+ year marriage and all the social consequences he will suffer. Randi is willing to have a polyamorous relationship with him but he can't imagine that. This leaves them sneaking around and cheating.

Pema is still with her guy. Loving him. Confused about where it is all going. Not having her needs met sexually as she is still choosing to be monogamous with him although they are living many hours apart and hardly ever see each other...not that he meets her needs sexually when they are together. She's tired of putting energy out for others, drained, needing to be rejuvenated, loved, filled.

Ana is still in love with her long distance guy and slowly letting him go. He isn't ready to commit to the intensity of their love affair, plus he has an intense sexual issue that he has no clue how to deal with and the timing is simply not good for them to be connecting on a frequent and intimate basis. She is sad over this but is enjoying her life full on. She has another lover who is in a committed relationship with a woman who won't have sex with him so he and Ana are taking their sexual pleasure with each other. She says he is a really nice man who has an awesome cock and beautiful body but that she still needs to teach him a few things about pleasing her.

One Penis Policy

Mistress Matisse writes about One Penis Policy in Seattle's, The Stranger, Control Tower.

It Takes A Village

"The secret to a happy marriage is that you have to fuck a lot of other people. It takes a village."

Margaret Cho: Beautiful

Wet and Juicy

Met with my juicy women last night.

Lena is still healing her heart over her young boy toy lover who turned out to be more trouble than he was worth (plus he cost her a lot of money.) He was extremely high maintenance, drank too much and didn't fuck her enough. She has also sent her potential internet lover down the highway after he moved across the country due to his on-line infatuation with her that didn't pan out to her liking. He was totally gaga over her, had money he was willing to spend on pleasing her, but reminded her too much of her "suffocating" mother. She is now heading off on a little vacation to be with one of her lovers and his wife for week and then is off to another city to visit with another lover.

Molly is feeling pretty settled down with her husband once again. Things have calmed down for them a lot. She continues to support him financially while he carries out his househusband duties. She swims in the pool after a long day at work while he serves her wine and cooks her dinner. They've been enjoying their sex life again.

Pema says she is actually feeling mostly good and balanced in regards to her relationship with her lover who is back living with his wife for the time being due to financial necessity. At the same time, talking about her situation brought on tears. She's reached her limit on giving (with her adult children as well as her lover) and is needing to be on the receiving end for awhile. While she is still unsatisfied with the dynamics of their sex life, she has established some new personal boundaries within their relationship to take better care of herself. Plus, she is back to whoring again so she has some income that is making it much easier to cope with her life as it now stands.

Randi is back with her married lover. They broke up and had spent 3 weeks apart when the universe threw them back into each others arms. He missed her dreadfully. She was miserable without him. They are seeing each other everyday and fucking like bunnies. She is having the the most incredible orgasms that she's ever experienced in her life. He had originally planned on leaving his wife (who he hasn't had sex with in over 20 years) fairly quickly but when it came right down to it, the fear of dealing with his social network and the supposed reaction of his grown daughter got him very confused and procastinating. Randi is putting thoughts of all this on hold for awhile and is choosing to simply focus on her love for him and the great orgasms she is having.

Rosemary's adventures continue with her husband and her lover although there has been some fall out with her lover from her sharing some of her truth and emotional turmoil. He in turn shared his own emotional turmoil about some things that weren't working for him and they have been trying to sort it out. They are still seeing each other but at his suggestion, not as often. The love is there but some of their wants and needs aren't currently matching up in the way she would prefer. Time will tell how their relationship will evolve. Rosemary feels pretty accepting and willing to find a way that works best for both of them.

Ana is grieving the supposed loss a man she connected with on such a deep level that she had opened to the possibility of combining her life with his and living monogamously. Needless to say, that didn't pan out and the difficulties of their union seem to be insurmountable. With her traveling a lot and him tied up with business and traveling out of the country, he hadn't contacted her for a couple of weeks. She sent him a "pathetic" text. He called her. He loves her. She loves him. It's just not gonna work. In the meantime she had a date with a professional athletic. They had an awesome time but he had the smallest cock she's ever fucked and she realized that size definitely matters to her. Also, Randi hooked her up with a new fuck buddy, a married man with a great body and beautiful cock whose wife hasn't had sex with him in 2 years. She's been enjoying this experience and is looking forward to more.

Dancing In The Rain

Recently I shared some of my "stuff" with a friend who had fingered the trigger of its arising. He backed off a bit, and very sweetly let me know that he was just waiting for my "storm" to pass. OK, I thought. It's my storm and it's up to me to deal with, that's a valid choice.

But his backing off triggered more of my "stuff", aka, abandonment issues. I've been pondering this for awhile, just being with it, attempting to not judge this backing off as right or wrong, just feeling what comes up and to the best of my ability, not feeding the ego stories that arise. There is no doubt in my mind that I have "abandoned" people that I love while they are in the midst of their storms. Sometimes, when the storm is big, I've just not possessed the emotional capacity to deal with it even though I knew I should stick around and offer support. At other times I've reasoned that it is probably best to just leave them to their stuff and let them sort it out alone, offering my support silently in the background. So whether it has been just plain selfishness (or self preservation) on my part, or truly the most sensible thing to do, either way I understand this reaction.

Something else has up come up for me with all this contemplating of storms. I really appreciate it when my friends don't back off and wait for the storm to past but rather put on their galoshes and dance with me in the rain.

Grappling with Polyamory

H. and S. had been lovers for 5 years when H. hit a wall somewhere between his feelings for her and his feelings for me. H. and I had been lovers for 11 years, married for 8, were deeply in love and committed to each other through and through. Even though we had entered into the world of polyamory we were still functioning from a monogamous mindset and value system. Both of us still believed in and cherished, the myth of The One And Only. We had found the perfect match in each other, call it soul mates or what you will, we were a happy and attached pair bond.

H and I offered each other a simple and comfortable life (besides all the crazy kids and their drama.) We brought out the best in each other and had lots of fun together. S. was our best friend. She was part of our family and she spent lots of time with us. The three of us were always cuddly and cozy together but we never considered that she and H. would become lovers. But then one night when the moon cast some amorous spell on us, sex happened, it still felt right the next day, and that was that.

As time went on, H. had no clue how to integrate the love he felt for S. with the love he felt for me. Still operating from the idea that I was the one and only love of his life didn't leave any real room for S. to be a love of his life too. Well, he loved her no doubt That was a given. And I loved her and she loved both of us but we didn't deem it the same kind of love that H. and I shared. Of course love is just love and it's always experienced and expressed uniquely between lovers but there was a sort off odd hierarchical mindset that H. and I were holding on to that was a big part of what kept us feeling safe--by perceiving our love as somehow superior. We held on to our primary status with a ferocious grip that was meant to protect H. and I, first and foremost. It wasn't that we didn't care about, or want to protect S. also--we loved her dearly and thought we were concerned with protecting her heart also. But we weren't really. Not so much. It wasn't conscious or callous, but H. and I were convinced of the sacredness of our couple hood which we definitely gave priority status. Add to this mix the fact that I was jealous of my place in H.'s heart and life and he would do anything, even lie to himself (and me) to keep me (and himself) happy, comfortable, and secure in the fact that I was and would remain, #1 in his heart. We were practicing polyamory with a monogamous agenda.

Not that there isn't legitimate concern for a primary relationship. But the how and why of this concern is paramount and that deserves another post all it's own. I will say that I've learned that when it comes to hearts and love, there really is no primary and secondary status. This concept is hard to explain and it's racy, tender, complicated, and again, deserves a post of it's own.

Thing is, even though I was jealous and very possessive of H.'s love, I was willing to face my fears and deal. I was clueless on many counts (I still am) but that comes with being inexperienced with the territory. I believed in polyamory and sexual freedom with all my heart and I was incredibly tenacious with myself on this path of spiritual, sexual, self growth work--continually pushing myself to my ever expanding edge. I'm still doing this.

Regardless of my fears and the part of me didn't want to fully believe--I knew that H. loved S. and I started pushing him to admit it. First to himself, then to me, and then to her. During this time it came up that S. wanted H. to claim her as his girlfriend and he did. This freaked me out. Up to this point he had referred to her as his fuck buddy and a best friend with benefits. She was someone he certainly loved but was not in love with. Right. But I kept hammering away for the truth. Eventually he claimed her as his girlfriend, lover, and someone he was in love with.

I was encouraging H. and S. to spend time alone together to establish their own relationship and things were just at the precipice of opening and deepening for them. Then C. came into my life and I fell for him hard and fast. In the midst of my falling in love with C., H. was still grappling with how to manage his own love for S. and his jealousy, triggered by my falling in love with C., pushed him over the edge. With fear gripping him by the throat with all of his beliefs and social constructs surrounding love, relationships, marriage, sex, and commitment shaking him to his core, H. determined to return to the "simpler" life of a monogamous marriage as his salvation. He shut himself off to S, ending the sexual aspect of their relationship. He retreated into himself, reading, meditating and contemplating the merits of monogamy, trying to convince me that he was firmly on his chosen path, and that my place was right there by his side. I did remain firmly planted by his side but made it abundantly clear that I was in no way interested in returning to monogamy, that if he chose that for himself, fine, but that I wouldn't be his convert. Soon over his temper tantrum, H. regretted losing S. as a lover but she was pissed and kept herself shut off to him for quite some time.

In the meantime I continued loving C. and eventually H. (and I) came to experience that he could love S. and I could love C. and that this had very little to do with our own relationship. On the other hand, opening to polyamory and loving more than one did change H.'s and my relationship. Truthfully, it will never be the same. We've given up lots of our old and worn out ideas and beliefs. We've conquered many fears and suffered many ego deaths. We've evolved into a new way of being with ourselves and with each other, something that works better for us now. We are as committed to each other and our relationship as much as we ever were, probably more. We love each other deeply and share truth, sex, and an ever deepening friendship. We support each other's individuality and freedom. We trust each other and plan to continue on this adventure in love and life together.

We are still somewhat fucked up of course but that's a given of the human condition.

Sexual Boredom

A friend called today and asked me to talk to him about my experience with boredom in sexual relationships and if I thought polyamory could serve as a release valve of sorts, such as the little gizmo in the top of a pressure cooker that releases the built up pressure. As if having more than one lover could serve as stress relief for the primary relationship. I told him, I thought so, yes.

I think this is one of the benefits of polyamory--of having more than one outlet to express one's sexuality. Especially for people who have high libidos and/or who like to engage in a variety of sexual practices that perhaps don't match up to their partner's. Even people with pretty mild sexual interests and middle of the road sexual drive can tend to get bored with just one sexual partner, even when they are still deeply in love with that person and enjoy a fine sex life with them. This is pretty common actually.

My friend has been in his monogamous marriage for several years. He loves his wife and tells me that they have some decently hot sexual encounters, fairly frequently. Even so, he is starting to get bored because not only is her libido not as strong as his, she isn't as adventurous in bed as he is and she has no interest in going to the places he would like to explore. He has talked to her about his craving for more variety and his desire to open up their relationship but this upsets her to no end and she will have none of it. He doesn't want to cheat on her, or get a divorce. He loves her, enjoys having sex with her, but he is starting to feel confined, bored, and resentful.

I hate the way the monogamous mindset holds a partner sexually captive. And I hate to be cliche here, but who likes to eat the exact same type of food everyday? For most people, that would get very boring very quickly. Monotony sets in and people can start taking each other for granted when things don't get stirred up a bit. The stability of some routine in our lives is comforting and necessary for our mental, emotional and physical health, but also, and please excuse another hackneyed phrase--variety is the spice of life. More than one significant other in our life offers cross pollination. They make life more exciting and more than that, they make us more exciting as individuals. We learn more, grow more, and love more. Different lovers teach us to love differently. And we in turn pass on some of this different loving to our other partner. There doesn't have to be anything "wrong" with one partner/relationship for another partner/relationship to be "right." They can both be right. They can both be beautiful, sexy, enjoyable, special, worthy of our time and love.

So back to this release valve metaphor--having more than one lover can certainly serve to relieve pressure in a relationship because one person doesn't have to be all and do all for you. Having more than one lover tends to encourage more acceptance in each person as an individual with diverse needs, desires, and ways of being in the world. There is no need to focus on some specific lack with one partner/relationship because where one partner doesn't cover it for you, another may provide.

You've heard the saying, it takes a village? What if it takes a bouquet of lovers?

You want to know how it will be,
Me and her, or you and me.
You both sit there, your long hair flowing,
Eyes alive, your mind still growing,
Saying to me: What can we do,
Now that we both love you?
I love you too. I don't really see,
Why can't we go on as three?
"Triad" by David Crosby

My Absence

Even coming into this blog is difficult for me right now. I'm sort of stuck. It's not writer's block. And I have many posts in the making, in my mind. For example:

Love and Freedom --I've already written on this but there is more.
Primary/Secondary relationships--ditto.
Hierarchy and physical/sexual possessiveness in poly relationships.

And there's more but I'm feeling very vulnerable with a need for privacy. I feel like hiding. I DON'T WANT TO HIDE. I'm in a a peculiar position. A discombobulating conundrum. Ha. This is not a place I expected to find myself in and I'm finding that I just need to live out this tender and delicate heart stuff. I'm saying what needs to be said to those I love. Well, as I know what that is. Just trying to breathe and not put too much stock ego stories.

Other than all this, life is great. All is good (well, most is good) and I am happy. Some things are just a bit difficult to sort out.

Emotional Torment--Who's Responsible?

See the You Tube Video of Dan Savage that I've posted below: I quote him from the letter he reads and then answers:

"I've been dating the same guy for two years and he still can't say that he loves me. It doesn't seem like a commitment issue it seems like something deeper than that. I seriously don't know what to do, is it me, him, do I continue to wait and hope or to leave him even though I love him.

Yes you leave him. Yes. Now. Tonight. Leave him. He is not giving you what you want. You clearly need to hear those words. He clearly isn't coming up with those words. And you need to listen to your long pathetic whiny question and you need to decide that you don't want to be this whiny pathetic person, that you want to be with someone who isn't tormenting you emotionally. Whether this is intentional sadism or not,it is withholding that he is doing. He is either in this relationship because he wants a romantic attachment and he wants love in his life or he's out. You gave him two years. He's out. I hate to use the name of that book. I'm not going to use the name of that book (He's Just Not That Into You) because it's not always that. He could be into you. But he could be into fucking with you. He could be into making you suffer. And keeping you on tenterhooks. This could be a power play. Are you really in love with somebody who is gonna play these kinds of head games and power trips with you? Really? You don't have to be.

How depressing that question was."

I've written about the book/concept of He's Just Not That Into You before. It makes a lot of sense a lot of the time. It's not rocket science. We know how we treat people who we are "into" and in return, we know how those people who are "into" us, treat us. This pretty much follows a general rule of how most humans behave when they are interested in being in relationship with another. When we are "into" a person, we pay attention to them in a variety of ways, we make time for them, do special things for/with them, etc.. As time goes on our affectionate behavior increases and deepens...we tell them that we love and miss them, we give them gifts, make ourselves even more available to spend time with them, increase the level/depth of our communication, increase physical intimacy, etc.. This is the basis character/nature of the direction of growth in intimate relationships.

Sometimes though, something seems to be missing, such as when this woman (or man) told Dan Savage that her lover of 2 years still didn't say "I love you." There could be a variety of reasons as to why a person doesn't meet our expectations/wants/needs in intimate relationship. Often, the reason is simple and you need to get the clue, He's Just Not That Into You. But sometimes, as Dan points out, he is into you but he is also into "fucking with you" and "making you suffer". Maybe he does love you,but he is also a messed up person who treats the people he loves in unloving ways. So Dan asks a reasonable question, "Are you really in love with someone who is gonna play these kinds of head trips and power games with you?" His advice is to get out of the relationship.

Maybe he is right. He probably is right for a lot of relationships. But, what about issues that can be resolved? I mean, I'd want to ask this person if they had communicated to their lover that it was important for them to hear the words "I love you". I mean, what if they hadn't done that and that all it took was a simple request? That may seem obvious but there are lots of relationships where the couple just don't communicate their needs/wants to their partner very well at all. Even though there is a general nature to most loving relationships and how people behave when they are "into" someone, there is also a great individual divergence in regards to how people give and receive love. And some people are fairly inexperienced at being in relationship and they still need to learn the ropes, so to speak. Maybe this person grew up with a mother and father who never said I love you to each other or maybe they were traumatized by a past lover when they told them that they loved them and now they feel extra vulnerable with that wounding. Each relationship has a different flavor and needs, so over time, each person will add the authenticity of who they are and what they have to give and what they want to receive to/from the relationship. If I'm not giving you what you want, maybe I can learn what it is that you want. Maybe I actually want to learn what it is that you want and then actually start giving you more of whatever that is. And maybe you can learn to do that for me too.

The thing is, this is a lot of heady stuff and it takes a lot of work and mindfulness, so I realize why Dan Savage just told the person to get out. It's simple and maybe some people don't want to put that much energy into making a relationship better. But I'm a complicated person and I'm into sustaining my love relationships. I'm always looking at myself and reflecting on my part in the relationship and what I can do differently when my needs/desires aren't being met. Sometimes what I want is in conflict with something else I want. For instance, I have an Aphrodite Complex--I want to be loved and worshiped, adorned and revered. I want to be wanted and wanted BIG time, lusted after, dreamed of, and fervently missed. I want to be pursued, taken, claimed. But another thing that I want just as much (or almost as much) is to love another just as they are, and to receive their love in the way they are most comfortable giving it. Humm. Not always sure what to do with that one. I'm assuming there is a middle ground, perhaps a happy compromise. And obviously I need to be getting enough of what I want, a hardy dose of the good stuff, or I won't stick around.

But I also have this tendency to humble myself, to just hang out with my feelings for awhile and breathe. I try to just feel my feelings without attachment and getting caught up in my stories. I contemplate. And I really, really desire to accept another just as they are. So I often allow my ego to be busted and then I revel in that busting--all the while I'm suffering from the emotional torment. It's part of my spiritual journey and my path to enlightenment. And I recognize the value in this. Some of this is fine. Some of this is really good stuff even though it feels shitty. And I'm OK with continuing on this path... to a point.

Another thing is that I take a lot of personal responsibility. I'm always looking at myself. Not that I don't miss things in my self reflection because sometimes, for sure I do. But sometimes I take on personal responsibility and self reflection to a fault and I think this can create imbalance in a relationship. There are different levels of emotional abuse, or as Dan Savage called it, emotional torture, in a relationship. When is a person just being themselves and it's a good thing to just love and accept them as they are and when would it better serve that person to call them on their shit and in so doing offer them a greater opportunity to step up to the relationship plate and stop power tripping or withholding? This can be a very difficult call to make. And like Dan said, "You need to listen to your long pathetic whiny question and you need to decide that you don't want to be this whiny pathetic person, that you want to be with someone who isn't tormenting you emotionally."

I don't get into the victim mode all that often. This is all relative of course. I'm rarely whiny and pathetic because I find that persona quite annoying. But I do have the tendency to be attracted to, and to fall in love with, men who torment me emotionally (perhaps I should be more responsible and say men who trigger the torment that resides inside of me!) with certain behaviors or off the cuff comments. And these men tend to be big sweethearts. Gentle men who are kind and compassionate with generous hearts and lots of love to share. WTF???!!!

Does all this stem from my father abandoning me? I think it might, a good portion of it anyway. Does it matter where it came from? Probably not. Have I healed? Lots. What matters is that I continue doing my work.

Tell Me What Another Is.

Who's-Sleeping-Where?

I enjoyed a recent twitter post by Mistress Matisse-- "Oh poly is complex at times. Especially at conferences - hotel rooms make who's-sleeping-where logistics just that much more complicated!" She was at a conference with her primary partner Max, his girlfriend Puck, her secondary partner Monk, and I think Monk's wife Tambo was also there. Now how far reaching their poly network actually stretches out with all the various partners, I don't know, but I've seen some diagrams of extended poly families that are pretty amazing. Another of Matisse's twitter posts mentioned champagne in bed with her, Max and Puck so maybe that was a solution to one of the sleeping arrangements for one of the nights?

If you've ever watched the L Word, they have a diagram like this called "The Chart" which connects all the various lovers who are infamous for their capacity to move through serial monogamous relationships. The contrast of this diagram when compared with what (some) poly folk have created is that the poly folk are working to create sustainable relationships (actual extended families) over the long term. Who's-sleeping-where may make for complex logistics at times but what really matters most to me is who's really connected and involved and not only loving their own lovers, but working to open their hearts and minds more and loving their lover's lovers and their lover's lover's lovers...and the far reaching effect that all this love can have on our world.

I Am Blessed

I'm loving lots right now. Feeling my fear and choosing love instead. Missing lover who is not my lover. Thinking of contacting him. Not. Missing lover who is my lover. Waiting. Appreciating my sweet dear loving husband who is right here, loving me, always available. Thankful for my girlfriends who are right here with me. I cried tonight with them. That felt good. I have so much love in my life. So much good fortune. I'm opening. And opening more. I am blessed.

Preparing For Death by Letting Go

I got an email from a friend this morning and she was jokingly chastising me for not posting anything new on this blog for her entertainment. She told me that she was bored and that my blog has been a very boring place for her these last many days. Sorry. I told her that I just don't have anything interesting to blog about...well, anything that I feel like transparently sharing with the world at large at least. I guess I've been feeling kinda private and maybe a little vulnerable right now. I'm really doing fine. Mostly. I'm happy. Mostly. Sometimes my life experiences, my relationship dynamics and the emerging insights just need to percolate inside my own body, mind and soul for awhile before exposing them to others. I'm holding many things tenderly right now. I have mommy stuff, kid stuff, husband stuff, lover stuff, friend stuff, work stuff. Me stuff. All my spiritual work. I'm noticing lots of preparing for death work. I've mentioned the death work part to a couple of friends that didn't really seem to get what I meant but I'm very serious about that. I'm looking at abandonment issues, separation anxiety and attachment disorder in myself. Being a psychotherapist I know that these are pathological terms for actual mental disorders but I'm not using them in that way although they are certainly related. Rather I'm just looking at the general human condition and our relationships in this world as well as my own conditioning and relationships and what comes up for me in particular. I've blogged before about the dance of separation and togetherness as well as abandonment and I've also blogged about attachment--as in being attached to people and stuff and things going our way.

A few days ago I was talking to my friend, Ren, about my separation and abandonment issues and she said, "Isn't everyone on the planet wounded like this, with separation and abandonment trauma--isn't this part of the human condition?" I told her that I don't know. I assume that on some level, the answer to her question is probably yes, that most people are wounded in this way, some of us just more than others.

For instance, Mistress Matisse writes about polyamorous relationships and suggests that people who don't deal well with separation and being left alone, those with abandonment issues, shouldn't try to live polyamorously because it will create too much drama and stir up too much pain. I agree with her on this...mostly but my take is a little different. What I suggest is that if people with obvious separation and abandonment issues aren't willing to take full on responsibility for dealing with these issues and therefore take polyamory on, at least in part as a powerful path to self-understanding, self-growth, and emotional maturity, then they are setting themselves up for an ugly head on collision with their inner demons. On the other hand, the path of polyamory can also be walked to consciously confront these demons, pulling them out of the shadows (or doing things that encourage them to jump out of the shadows to scare us) and shining the light of love on them. One cannot live in love and fear at the same time. We can and most likely will, go back and forth between love and fear as part of the process in exorcising (or simply comforting them) the demons of separation and abandonment. So polyamory can be a used as a tool for self growth and healing as well as a lifestyle with all the other wonderful benefits of having more than one sexually loving partner.

I've learned a lot about myself and how I deal with the feelings of separation that sometimes come up with the others that I am in relationship with. These others range from my children, grandchildren, my mother and siblings, to my friends, lovers, and my husband (who is also my friend and lover of course.) These days I'm not so quick to create a story that makes me or others wrong. At least I'm not so quick to believe those stories. I'm learning to allow myself to feel the separation and the panic that sometimes ensues from it and to just be with it, and breathe into it and experience the totality of it in the moment. I have a habit of being attached to connection and want it over separation. I also get very attached to my strategies for connection.

As for my preparation for death that I mentioned-- I realize that I will die someday. Fairly soon, relatively speaking. The years seem to zoom on by and I'm 54 now. I want to make the most of them. I'll be 84 years old in 30 years. That's almost my mother's age right now. I know that unless I get more skilled at dealing with all these little issues of separation and attachment now, dying is going to be one major pain in the ass. That's scary. So I'm practicing letting go. Letting go with grace is my goal. I want to die with grace and I'm betting that the only way to die with grace is to live with grace. I'm seeing life as a practice ground for death. Living it up and enjoying life to the fullest, yes. Definitely. But also, learning to let go of all these little (and seemingly big) attachments now so that when the time comes to let go of my body and everything I've identified with in this life, I will have a lot of practice at it already. Maybe it will be like riding a bicycle.

So I'm paying attention to my needs for freedom, love, sex, a sense of connection and belonging with family and friends, food, air, creativity, ego expression, soul expression, knowledge, living my life's purpose, enlightenment... and I endeavor to take care of those needs interdependently with others. I'm trying to notice when my ego is attached to my strategies and when I'm holding on and getting in my own way rather than letting go and surrendering to life, to what is.

Not Your Mother's Playground

I just found Samantha's Not Your Mother's Playground--Open Relationships for Everyday Folk. Nice.

More is Better

One thing I love about Polyamory is that you have more members on your support team:

When your lover doesn't get your message about a change of meeting time/place because he forgot his cell phone at home, he can call his wife who will listen to his phone messages and then she can call you to make sure you are still in the same place before she sends him on his way.

No Leash For Me, Thank You

"Putting limits on love is like putting a leash on me. Even if it isn't tight around my neck, knowing it's there is enough...I like being with my partners because I want to, not because I have to."--Juan

I lifted this quote from Tristan Taormino's Opening Up website today. It's from her book, of the same name. The quotes continuously change.

This Is My Dream

I'm contemplating New Relationship Energy (NRE) as it particularly applies to polyamorous relationships. NRE is like a drug that induces an alternated state of consciousness with a heightened sense of sexual and emotional attraction for a new partner. NRE helps a couple form deep bonds of attachment when they are still virtually strangers to one another on many significant levels. Swimming in NRE is often experienced as intense waves of bliss and well being mingled with bouts of anxiety that lessen as the mutuality of the attraction is more securely established.

In monogamous or serial monogamous relationships, NRE energy often plays out significantly different than in polyamorous relationships where the person (s) experiencing NRE is concurrently establishing a relationship/falling in love with a new partner while at the same time maintaining an ongoing relationship with an old love/spouse/primary partner.

Unless a "monogamous" partner is cheating on a current and ongoing partner, they are pretty much free to jump feet first, into the supreme joy and emotionally bonding pleasures of NRE. Although a monogamous person may have other commitments such a career, children etc., there is no "significant other" to interfere or distract them, no other lover that loyalty insists they must mindfully consider. They are pretty much free to dive into their new relationship, fully immersing them self in the waters of love, allowing the rest of the world to disappear while the full focus of their attention is directed to the supreme loving of this new other.

NRE is a valuable and exhilarating gift that new love offers. Some say it is indispensable to the bonding process of new sexual loving relationships. It's the glue that sticks new lovers together. Others are leery of NRE, even labeling it as a "false love" because of the common distortions in judgement and perceptions that one is susceptible to making in regards to this new person who is the object of their desire. These people would rather deny or suppress NRE than risk being swept away on a wave of irrational and exaggerated positive feelings where the new lover's attributes are magnified and their deficits are barely noticed. These people prefer a slower, more pragmatic approach to the process of creating new relationships and falling in love. I suppose that some new relationships, with otherwise potential for compatibility, actually drift apart when NRE isn't given it's due. That's not to say that love in some relationships doesn't grow slowly and surely with measured steps and careful calculations as one allows their heart to open with very little manifestation of NRE. Who can say how love will present itself? The possibilities are endless.

But for those romantic and polyamorous people who want nothing more than to dive deep into NRE, experiencing it in all it's wet and wondrous glory, rarely poking their heads above the surface for a breath of air, well theirs is perhaps a different story when they have another significant other relationship to maintain. As much as they might desire to take the plunge, they have commitments and responsibilities in sustaining their other, older, perhaps momentarily less exciting, but nevertheless tried and true, long term, love relationship (s).

This can prove to be a huge challenge and is often seen as the cornerstone of being a worthy polyamorous partner. What a balancing act! If you are of the school that NRE is a good thing (and I most certainly am while at the same time advocating for caution) where do you start? I suggest starting with strong intention. Intend to keep your heart open to both partners. Intend to maintain your primary and already established relationship with devotion to mindfulness. Intend to ride NRE with both wild abandon, and cautious, graceful integrity. How does one do that? Heck if I know as all relationships have different needs, but I do know that with intention all things are possible. Intention sets us on the path and the steps we need to take are often revealed on an as needed basis. There will be holes that trip us up and boulders that seem to block our way. When we are intent on maintaining an ongoing long term relationship while establishing a new one, we may need to put the wild abandon of NRE on a long but tethered leash. Depending on our situation, we may need to put it on a short leash. Maybe it needs to be practiced in a timed released sort of fashion--in small doses that don't rock the stability of the boat of our other relationships. Perhaps setting an alarm clock to wake us up from our NRE dream at scheduled intervals. Fuck if I know. There are no hard and fast rules that will work for everyone. We are the architects and I suggest using freedom as the foundation that we build our love relationships on. Again, how to do that? Intention provides the answers. We gotta make up our rules as we go along, caring as gently as we can for one another's hearts. And yet there are open relationship pioneers who have already blazed some trails into this wilderness and I think it prudent to follow their lead, at least listen their suggestions and try some of their ideas when we are first starting out. Reading lots of books on polyamory is a good idea. Finding and connecting with others who live this lifestyle is invaluable.

Good communication with both partners--your long term relationship partner, as well as your new love, is imperative. All three partners (or four, or however many partners there are) getting together and discussing the dynamics of NRE and how each person is being impacted by it is helpful.

I repeatedly advise couples I work with to keep their hearts and minds open to everyone involved and of course I attempt to do this in my own relationships. Also, to be a good friend first and foremost, and to love your lover's other partner (s) which I know can be most difficult at times but that's when it's probably most important. I think it's a good idea for the established, long term partner to be as generous and understanding as they can possibly muster in allowing for their partner's experience of NRE with their new lover and the dimished focus they will perhaps receive for awhile. This takes a lot of trust and emotional maturity, no doubt. At the same time and equality important is for the partner who is caught up in NRE with their new love, to simultaneously keep their long term partner's needs and vulnerabilities close to their heart at all times. They must be diligent in following through on the commitments to their older relationship (s). I've always felt that I wouldn't trust a partner who was lax with his attention and focus on his already established relationships. If he was willing to forsake his old love for me, I'd suspect that my heart would be next in line to be trampled when I was no longer so fresh and new. At the same time, I'm also worthy of attention and focus and I want my opening heart protected and cared for too. We have to be willing to talk about our needs and be creative at finding innovative strategies for making sure everyone's are being met.

So the point of this post is the contrast of dealing with polyamorous NRE as opposed to dealing with "monogamous" NRE. Polyamorous NRE is, or at least certainly has, the potential of being much more of a challenge. I've found it to be one of the biggest complications/challenges for many who are starting up a new polyamorous relationship. That and the simple fact that there may be unlimited love but there is not unlimited time and energy. There are only so many hours in a day.

This is one of the reasons that I am most attracted to a family centered model of polyamory, where time and energy can be used more efficiently. It affords one to feed two birds with one seed. I want the freedom to have all my lovers with me most of the time. This doesn't mean that everyone will necessarily be together most of the time, but rather that there is the freedom to choose to be together as much as is practical and possible for each particular person. It means that building a comfort level is paramount, one of knowing that you are welcomed, wanted, and loved. It doesn't mean that everyone lives together in the same house or that everyone spends an equal amount of time together. But it does suggest more fluid boundaries while extending the opportunities of more actual time that is available to be together. Kind of a mi casa su casa sort of mentality. What I don't like is when people end up feeling excluded and left out, disconnected and as if they don't really belong. If my lovers can flow more organically into and out of the days and hours of my life so that I'm spending time on my own, with other friends and activites, as well as in dyads, triads, quads, so on and so forth with my various loves and their various loves, cuddling in puppy piles and meandering into and out of each other's arms and space as fierce (and happy) individuals who are choosing to live interdependently in a close knit family of friends sort of way...well, this is my dream.

Some polyamorous people keep their different love relationships quite separated from one another and while this might work just fine for them, I think it more often adds to the potential of people not getting enough time and attention from their lovers and also possibly feeling excluded from the warmth of companionship. Again, there is only so much time in a day and while every relationship deserves some one on one privacy, if you throw in some family style dinners, play time and parties where everyone is invited, a willingness to share in another's chores and errands etc., everyone can get more time to share in the juicy love that's available in unlimited abundance.

Jealousy, Connection/Separation

Besides the rug burn on my knees there was more that made it an interesting weekend. I was telling Ren the story and she said, "Oh my, so when are you going to blog about this!?" Well I've been known to blog about my insecurities and emotional immaturity before. Why stop now just to save face by putting on the facade of how cool and polyamorously advanced I wish I was.

The current drama started on Thursday night. I got jealous. Yes, moi. Jealous. Again. I have worked through so much of my jealous and possessive nature. I used to be way worse. Really I was. This work is a huge part of my spiritual path, discovering the truth of self and transforming my ego into less of a bully. Jealousy feels like shit and I'd really approve of getting over it sooner than later. But when it rears its ugly head I realize what a tenacious monster it is.

I must say this--it's not all my fault! I refuse to take all the blame. I'm being facetious saying this of course because it's not about whose fault it is, or who's to blame and of course my thoughts, emotions and actions are my own responsibility...but just the same. When I look back over the details of this jealously taking its hold on me, I think H. was pretty darn insensitive. His insensitivity triggered me big time. He is generally so attentive and caring, so concerned and gentle with my heart that this contrast, this perceived coldness and distant separation to my needs just smacked me good and I got really angry.

Hey, being in real relationships and balancing everything that comes up is much more challenging than theoretical polyamory. And it's not others who are causing the waves, although of course they could, and eventually probably will to some extent, if and when those relationships deepen intimately. But this is just our stuff, insecurities related to the changes we are dealing with inside of our own relationship.

So we fought, or rather I fought with him because my feelings were hurt and then he wasn't bending over backwards to take care of my needs. He went to bed so I tried to let it go and follow suit--we cuddled but then I couldn't sleep and it was a restless night for both of us. Friday morning we were exhausted and needed to go our separate ways with our busyness. And then friends showed up in the evening so we played and partied with them until late with no opportunity to talk and love it out. Saturday came with more preoccupation with a friend who had spent the night with us. We walked around the farmer's market and visited with friends but we were both off balance and needed to connect with no real opportunity to do so. H had business to take care of so he left for the afternoon and I had a date with lover who is my lover for the afternoon and night so H. and I went our separate ways again with the energy gentle but unsettled between us.

Lover who is my lover and I went to a friend's 50th birthday party. It was in the foothills at a place I haven't been to in awhile but is very special to me, a place I hold sacred where I've spent many, many happy hours, days, of my life singing, sweating, meditating, dancing, partying, being in community with beautiful friends. It was a sweet party where I had the opportunity to connect with a few folks I haven't seen in a long time and I enjoyed being there with lover who is my lover. We left the party and shared a very sweet night together and then with the dawn of a new day I noticed my energy all caught up in my solar plexus, my emotional center, which was out of whack with all the unsettled stuff that was up with H. Lover who is my lover and I did some errands together and then he took me to see my mommy. I felt really appreciative of that and she was obviously needing a visit when we popped in on her--a little attention does her a world of good. Afterwards I went home to be with H.

As soon as I walked in the door it was all I could do to keep from crying. I wasn't ready yet. I felt disconnected from lover who is my lover and disconnected from H. so I just settled in to experience the emotions I knew were coming. I've blogged before about my personal journey with this relational dynamic here. It's the dance of separation/connection. I knew it was just my ego playing its tricks on me so I tried not to make up any stories and to just experience the emptiness and vulnerability I was feeling in all its fullness rather than resist the separation. H. and I talked a little and I was hungry so we walked downtown and got some dinner and then strolled around for the Christmas Preview. People crowded the streets and we ran into some friends. I wasn't feeling social so we parted ways with them. It was nice to just walk around listening to the music, watching all the different dancers in the storefront windows and the people dressed in their festive attire. We held hands in silence and it felt nurturing to just be together quietly. We went home and I cried for awhile and then we watched our Sunday night movies together and then went to bed.

As we laid in bed it was good to finally talk it out. Honest talk, sweet connection, feel good sex. We cuddled in each other's arms and went to sleep. This morning there was more to say. And there will be more tonight I'm sure, before the dust is all settled this time around.

Sexy Lingerie

My friend Molly turned 50 years old today and I was thinking about her all day. It's late Saturday night now and I've just returned from her birthday party where we were supposed to dress up as that part of our authentic selves that we want to express more fully.

It was a very sweet but intense day that started off with a love making session with my beloved. I so enjoy the way Saturday mornings afford leisurely time in bed. Afterwards we dressed and headed out the back door for the farmer's market and my friend Bobbi's coffee cart. Another of my favorite Saturday morning activities is drinking coffee and connecting with friends at the market. Today was an extra blessing with the warm Indian Summer weather sharing the beautiful fall colors of leaves dancing at the whim of the wind.

At 10:30 I met Pema at the downtown city plaza for a protest rally/march for proposition 8. There was a nice turn out of city officials and townsfolk and the sharing of compelling and inspiring stories. Around 12:00 we started our march, weaving through the streets of downtown Chico. When cars would beep their horns in support I would raise my fist in the air in solidarity. Somewhere between 3rd and 2nd street it happened. The horn honked, I raised my fist in response and looked in the direction of the vehicle and there he was, my lover who is not my lover. I saw his face, smiling in support as he honked and drove by in his truck and noticed my reaction to immediately look away. I didn't mean to look away, I just did. It shocked my system, seeing him like that after so long. I told Pema, "There is my lover who is not my lover, in that truck." " Yes, I saw him too" she said, "Are you okay?" "Sure, I'm fine." I said, but after a couple of blocks I realized how intense it was for me. I felt like I'd been emotionally whacked (I have been). She squeezed me knowingly.

We marched on and eventually ended up back in the park for more speeches and such. We were sitting on the park bench chatting when unexpectedly, my lover who is my lover showed up. He stayed just briefly for a quick hello. It was sweet to see him but he was in the midst of a treasure hunt of sorts and preoccupied. No matter as I was enjoying my time relaxing in the sun with Pema but I was happy when he called me afterwards to connect. Little gestures can mean a lot.

Pema and I parted ways and then Jerry and I hooked up for some lunch and headed out to shop for a birthday present for our youngest grandchild who just turned two. While shopping I realized that the part of me who was going to the party tonight wanted to express herself via more sexy lingerie along with the cowboy boots I've been wearing a lot since Burningman. It was a great idea but I couldn't find anything new that I liked (never fear, I will be in San Francisco tomorrow!).

Every once in awhile throughout the day, I'd think of my lover who is not my lover, seeing his sweet face that always melts my heart and my eyes would brim with tears. But I was preoccupied with Jerry and hunting for lingerie so I'd move on to other thoughts. But when I finally settled down at the party tonight, thoughts and feelings of him came flooding in and coalesced with the my day--Molly's 50th birthday, this phase of my life with lingerie and cowboy boots, my husband, my lover who is my lover. I thought of Molly's 50th birthday and the adventure she is about to embark on--along with my 50th birthday and the adventures that I've been embarking on since I turned 50 a little over 4 years ago. I met my lover who is not my lover right before my 50th birthday and it was love at first sight. I invited him to my birthday dinner along with Pema, Ren, Jerry and I. What a night that was! What the last 4 years have been for me! And lover who is not my lover has been significant piece of my awareness of self, truth, freedom and love. I've called him my Anam Cara, my soul friend, my forever friend, and that's truly how much he means to me. Whatever the truth is for him, I suppose I don't really have much of a clue. I only know what he has told me and what his actions have been. I combine those things and make my stories but I know that they are only my stories.

There were 21 women at Molly's party. Each one of us stood up and shared about our lives, what was up for each of us currently and what we are intending to move into. Lots of emotionally moving and vulnerable stuff was shared.

C. was dressed in a sexy red dress with her breasts overflowing out of the black bra that attempted to contain them. She told us her fantasy of leaving the party and heading to a bar where her husband would come and meet up with her, pretending they had never met. He would seduce her and then take her home and fuck her. We encouraged her to play out her fantasy but she said he would never comply. I whispered to Pema and Randy how sad that made me. Here, this voluptuous and sexy woman, wanting to stir up some passion in her marriage, believed her husband would have no interest in her fantasy.

J. in menopause, talked about the malady of losing her mind and how much she missed it. "I had such a great mind!" she said. We all laughed knowingly at her chagrin. It's either laugh or cry with this growing old business and often it's both. We've all been losing our minds and pray that what those who have gone before us tell us is true, that our minds will eventually return to us. J. also shared how strong her intuition has become and how much she depends on it now that her mind is so undependable. We all nodded, affirming our understanding of that sacred wisdom.

Pema was glowing and beautiful and she made me cry as she shared her stuff, raw to the bone, encompassing all of her heart. It was powerful and sweet and tender.

And I shared of course about the woman who likes wearing lingerie and cowboy boots, my husband who is my lover, my lover who is my lover, and my lover who is not my lover. The three men in my life that I love, and what that all means to me right now.

One thing that was special and interesting to me was that I did not know the majority of these women. I was close friends with only 3 of them and knew half a dozen of the others only minimally. The rest were virtual strangers, friends I don't know yet. And yet we opened up to one another in honestly, baring our souls. Afterwards, several woman came up and hugged me, profusely thanking me for sharing about my life. Our conversations about love and relationships, sex, freedom and self expression continued throughout the night.

Don't Keep Quiet and Fuel Small Mindedness

Five or so things I've noticed lately about polyamorous relationships:

1. Awhile back I was reading the blog of a poly woman where her post for the day was Polyamory is hard! She is the secondary partner to a lover who lives with his primary partner. His primary partner has a secondary partner who is married and lives with his wife. The woman who writes the blog has no other partner. This means that her lover is her primary partner while she is his secondary and she gets lonely at times.

I was recently talking to a friend, another poly woman who seems to consider herself as her lover's secondary partner. Her lover has had another lover of many years. Whether he considers my friend his secondary or not, I don't know, but it's the lack of time that he has available for her that has her aching for a primary partner of her own. I'm not using the word primary here to signify the quality of love felt and expressed between two people. I'm merely describing the time/energy/obligation factor that someone often has tied up with their primary partner and the ensuing commitments that a primary relationship often entails.

From what I've noticed, two people who are in relationship and who have both a primary and secondary lover, and who are both either primary or secondary to each other, seem to adjust better to the juggling of schedules and being satisfied with the amount of time available to spend together. A person with only one secondary partner who is a primary partner to someone else, is apt to experience more yearning for attention when their partner is off busy with other aspects of their life. Throw kids into the mix and more complications arise. The old poly adage is that love is unlimited, time is not.

2. When one is actually living a polyamorous lifestyle, you come to notice that you are having relationships with real people, not just ideas you've concocted in your imagination. This is very different than theoretical polyamory. The way my imagination works is that everything falls into place all on my own terms. I design and develop relationships exactly the way I envision I would like them to be. In my mind, relationships are created and geared totally for me, at my whim. I run the show and get whatever I want. Everything goes my way and everyone is happy giving me exactly what I ask for--and mostly I don't even have to ask, it all just flows my way in a tide of no ebbing.

But being blessed with relationships with real, live, warm blooded others who have their own ideas, agendas, and way of doing things is another animal altogether. It's a beautiful thing that I honor and have welcomed into my life but it's not as easy. There are more complications with the real deal. I am now not the center of my own little poly universe--we are all revolving around each other rather than everyone revolving around me. I do not always get anything and everything that I want. There are all sorts of snags and triggers and truths to be communicated before they get inadvertently swept under the carpet. There is the fine line between accepting people as they naturally are and asking for what I need when what another is giving isn't working so well for me. Communicating with lovers can be tricky. Communicating with a lover's lover can be even trickier. Somethings are just not my business. But then again... Sometimes I just need to let another know that I've been triggered and that I'm dealing with it, and have nothing to request of them. Other times, I need to request something be different. If I ask for something and get a "no" for the answer to my request, then I have to deal with adjusting to that. And what about when agreements are broken? Lord this stuff can go on and on. Polyamory ain't for wimps I'm telling ya. But some people are just so easy going that for them, just about anything goes and they can be happy with just about whatever is. Truthfully, I've had a fairly easy ride lately. Well, that's true and not true, but regardless of what angle I'm currently looking at, I feel incredibly blessed. My life is good and my relationships are making me juicy and I like being juicy. I'm certainly not complaining.

So yeah, considering the preferences, needs, desires and comfort levels of real people as opposed to the imaginary ones I create in my mind who are there solely for my own selfish pleasures, I'm happy to be doing reality. I'm enjoying watching the issues arise and processing through them. It's pleasing to me. This is what I want. It's not always easy but it's good. It's teaching me stuff I want to learn. It's my life. The one I have created. I like living my life. It's not boring that's for sure.

3. I was discussing a past lover with my husband. It was a triad relationship, our first stab at polyamory and we were fairly clueless. We came up with lots of rules and agreements to keep ourselves feeling safe. So we were discussing this lover and the way we treated her, the role she played in our lives as we moved into a sexually open relationship. Like I said, we came up with lost of rules and agreements that were put into place to keep us (that would be me and my husband) feeling safe. What she wanted wasn't considered so much when we came up with our rules and agreements. Well of course she was there of her own accord and she was making her choices too, the best she knew how. But he was the king and I the queen and she was...well, she was our lover who basically didn't have a voice in regards to how things evolved in the relationship. We (King and I) never consciously not considered her or acted inconsiderately of her feelings and desires (she was our family, best friend, and we loved her dearly) but really, for all intent and purposes, we were quite selfish. She used to jokingly and self effacingly call herself Quasimodo (think "almost one") at times, in regards to her relationship with the two us. It was meant to be funny and it was in the way that we played with that concept--sort of a playful mistress/slave role play that was obviously a joke (and yet sort of not) that the 3 of us had fun with. We were definitely in love in a big way and mostly just 3 friends on equal footing doing something rebellious. But she was also dealing with some real pain regarding her secondary status in our unequal triad. We could have handled it better but we were naive. The bottom line was about us as a couple and what the two of us were ready for, what we could handle and what we needed to do to secure the safety of our coupledom. And I'm not saying that this was "wrong". It just was what it was and oftentimes when first opening up a relationship, couples need it to be this way. Especially if one doesn't know any other way to be. Case in point. She didn't know how to do it differently either. The control that I demanded back then was the tool I used to keep myself safe. My other tool was truthtelling. Considering my level of emotional maturity and the skill set I possessed for dealing with my intense emotions and how terrified I was, they worked well to move me through my stuff. I was propelled by my polyamorous purpose, and exhilarated by what I perceived as a spiritual calling. I still see it that way. Fortunately I've been able to release most (not all) of my control issues but I'm sticking with the truth. I understand ego much better now than I did back then.

4. Several years ago a friend commented on the quest for freedom he saw in me and he pretty much hit the nail on the head. When I started on a polyamorous path (I was first attracted to it 24 years ago, talked freely with my husband about open relationships 15 years ago, and then truly ventured into the lifestyle 9 years ago) I didn't know how to articulate what it was about love and freedom that I was seeking at the time but I've since come to realize on a very profound level that true love has freedom at it's core and that is the essence of what polyamory helps to play out for me, this experiencing a love that is brought forth from freedom.

And so here I am today. Reveling in the opportunity to love more than one while being in relationship with real people. And I'm thankful that my ability to do this multi-partnered dance has improved. Somewhat. I suppose it will be a lifelong project.

5. Currently I'm triggered by an aspect of dealing with polyamory in a particular way because it might pose threatening for one trapped in a traditional mindset. The outward expression of my authentic self has always been a bit unusual and odd when compared to "normal society" and I guess I've pretty much preferred just putting myself out there on public display for others to do with me as they will, accept or reject me. It seems to have pretty much worked in my favor. I don't like the idea of loving in secret, or hiding my true nature. That doesn't mean I'm not capable or willing to be discreet, because, certainly there is much in this life that has asked that of me and that I do willingly. I'm not stupid or unreasonable. I can see the benefit in being reserved at times. Nevertheless, it saddens me that the simple act of loving someone can pose a perceived threat merely because it has stepped out of the normal societal monogamous box. I prefer to model loving more freely. I want to bring it out in the open. I want polyamory to be a model for families and I wish for the children of those families to be exposed to it as a viable option. This is the 21st century folks. We get to redefine our relationships anyway we like. Polyamory is not immoral. It's not something to hide. What is it with us? Here in the United States we just elected our first African American president and yet proposition 8 passed in California, banning same-sex marriage. Human potential is so extraordinary and yet we can be so close minded and closed hearted. I don't want to keep quiet and fuel such small mindedness.

But I do respect others choices. I understand. It's not always so simple. I know that. I'm just saying.