A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing

I've been considering how jealousy has transformed for me. The dynamics of my relationship with it has changed so much in fact, that I haven't realized my on-going connection with it. Well, I have and I haven't. I know all about compersion, that feel good experience I have when someone I love is attracted to, having fun with, or loving another. Witnessing so many people struggling with feelings of jealousy when their partner has eyes, or actions, for someone else, I've been thinking that I'm very fortunate indeed to experience compersion.

Now that I realize I've still been carrying on with jealously, this in no way affects my relationship with compersion. I've written about managing jealousy and learning to transform it into compersion in the past so you'd think I would have understood this better but I didn't really. Maybe I just had an intellectual understanding of it and now it's immersed itself in my body. My mind and heart have merged. Jealousy and compersion have become one. Compersion is like jealousy with a face lift, new and improved. Jealously that feels and looks so good you can't help but want more of it.

Somehow, even though I have been speaking the words about transforming jealousy into compersion I was interpreting that to mean that one would more or less, leave their jealousy behind, lay it down and walk away and replace it with the mantle of compersion. Oh, I knew that as humans we would most likely to go back and revisit jealousy now and again but the experience of compersion would obviously win out, how could it not, compersion feels so good, jealousy so bad, and humans are seekers of pleasure. Slam dunk.

But now I understand that there is no mantle to lie down. Jealousy and compersion are one and the same. No difference. It's just our interpretation of the emotional energy. Everyday each one of us goes about our life with a basic worldview and preconceptions concerning what life is about. Due to our past life experiences we have established this worldview and filled it with preconceptions. New events happen and we either ignore them or deem them significant enough to notice. Once we notice an event, we continue calling upon our world view and preconceptions to invent stories and meanings surrounding it, which in turn calls forth emotional energy. Once the emotional energy arises, we make more meaning and label it as either good (compersion) or bad (jealously) or obviously any other of the numerous emotions we humans experience. Once this emotional energy is called forth, it's very significant because it's a powerful creative force that brings forth more life events and physical manifestations into our lives. But more on this in another post, I want to stay on track with this emotional energy as it pertains to jealousy/compersion.

So what is the story I've been telling myself when I notice that either my partner is attracted to someone or that someone is attracted to my partner? If he is attracted to someone I get very curious about his turn on, what catches his attention, inspires him. I see that sparkle in his eyes, the way he holds his body, his smile. I notice that he gets really beautiful. It's like he's emitting strong pheromones and I can barely resist him.

If someone is attracted to him I immediately zone in on the them. I'm interested in this person who obviously has good taste--they like something I like. It's similar to someone saying what a cute baby you have, or that they really like the blouse you're wearing, or they stop and admire the color of your house or your yard. You feel friendly towards them, inviting. A person attracted to my husband draws my friendly attention. I immediately know there is something definitely "right" about this person.

Then my attention moves on to my husband. I start seeing him through new eyes. I sort of revert back to shoshin or "beginners mind" and experience him with the same refreshing quality as when we first met, fell in love and were all entangled in new relationship energy (NRE). NRE seems to spring forth from shoshin.

It dawns on me how important compersion can be to a long term committed relationship. It serves to keep us appreciative of our partner, eager to be in their company, interested to learn something new about them just like when we first met them. For me, if I've unconsciously allowed myself to be lulled into complacency, taking my partner for granted, or failing to actively appreciate his uniqueness and now fortunate I am to have this incredible man in my life, all it takes is a good shot of compersion to wake me right up.

So, that's my story. I realize his attraction to another, or another's attraction to him has very little (or nothing most likely) to do with me. It has a major effect on me but its not about me. I've been around long enough to know that this is natural, no matter how much you may love a person or how committed you are to them, we get attracted to others besides them. You and I will interpret the meaning of that attraction in different ways, depending on our worldview and the stories we make up. For me, the meaning I make of attraction to another, whether it's a one-way or two-way flow of energy, is that this is a "good" thing. That's because connecting with other human beings is very important to me. I like it. I want it. One of my purposes in this life is to create relationship and this, most often, is based on attraction. And it doesn't matter in the least if this person notices me or not (at least not initially). I'm part of the connection because I notice them and their attraction. I relish meaningful interaction with others (big or small). Even just noticing it between strangers effects me and when it involves my husband the effect is way stronger because I'm so connected to him. This connection and energy wakes me up, I feel the juice and I immediately feel appreciation.


Now, if I were to make the meaning that my partner's attraction to another puts my relationship with him in jeopardy, that he may grow to love them more than he loves me, that there isn't enough of him to go around, that they might be more intelligent, creative, prettier, have a more attractive body etc., and if I focus on these comparisons, and believe that he might decide to leave me to be with them exclusively because that is the way that our love relationship is set up to work, then I'm more likely to experience the emotional energy that rises up as jealously and I'm probably going to want to do whatever that's in my power to make it go away. Usually that will entail, making the other person go away. But, fortunately, that's not the meaning I make.

I've surmised that jealousy and compersion are the exact same energy, it's how we interpret this energy that makes the difference. I find this energy to have a strong sexual component to it also. Thus, when I experience compersion I usually get very horny.

Ah jealousy, it's just a sheep in wolf's clothing.