I've been hearing about NVC for years and I actually tried to attend a workshop at a conference I was at about seven years ago but either I just wasn't in the mood or the presenter was very poor and I left.
I take the summer off from my job at the college but I do come in for one week at the end of every June to help with a special summer program. This year I decided I wanted to do a workshop on NVC so I figured I should probably learn it first. Well, you know what they say--the best way to learn something is to teach it.
So I ordered the book, Nonviolent Communication A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. along with its companion workbook and read them through. I also found a local meeting of a bunch of NVC folks that were getting together to form practice groups and watch a video, so on and so forth. I attended the meeting and signed up for a weekly practice group but I was just too busy to commit so I never went. I did attend a one day workshop from a presenter who came from out of town and although it was a fine workshop in its ways, it just wasn't what I was looking for...except the handouts we were given were very valuable and I used them to create some of my own.
I have no problem understanding this stuff. I am a licensed psychotherapist after all and communication is one of my specialties. Truthfully though, rather than theoretical book learning, I've honed my communication skills from living my real life relationships, practicing what works and releasing the bad habits of what doesn't. All communication styles have their own framework and special language, and I really appreciate what Marshall Rosenberg has given us. It's good work. I enjoyed presenting this NVC workshop and I would like to do others. I think I'm fairly good at it.
The four cornerstones of NVC are:
Observations*Feelings*Needs*Requests
When we use NVC, we listen to others and express ourselves to others with these four cornerstones of the communication progress. It's really a fairly simple and niffy little process to learn. The bottom line of NVC is about understanding. Understanding is the goal of communication. Understanding others and being understood. Using empathy and honesty in our communication is what brings about understanding. Empathy and honesty help create mindful, successful, communication.
First, we learn to share our observations: This entails letting go of judgments; accusations; conclusions; assumptions; labels; criticism; evaluations; and opinions. Observations are just the facts, kind of like what a video camera would record, what we see and hear. Remember detective Joe Friday from Dragnet and his famous line, "I just want the facts mam, just the facts."?
Secondly, we learn to share our feelings: Feelings are true emotions; emotional energy. One thing that I personally found very helpful in NVC is the distinction it offers between feeling and non-feeling words. There are a plethora of words that people often use to describe their feelings, when in fact these words are actually what we perceive another is doing to us.
For example, when someone says, "I feel attacked" or "invalidated, rejected; blamed; neglected; misled; ignored; cheated; betrayed; unseen; offended; tricked; violated; abandoned; unsupported; victimized;" etc., they are actually describing what they perceive/think another has done to them, rather than what they are feeling. So, when someone perceives that they have been attacked; invalidated; rejected...etc., what do they feel?
Well, what might I feel if I think I've been attacked? Maybe I feel embarrassed, or hurt, depressed, angry, resentful, terrified, shocked, etc. Maybe I feel a combination of these emotions, but attacked is what I perceive was done to me, not a feeling.
When I think I've been invalidated, I might feel embarrassed, impatient, regretful, grumpy, insecure, hesitant, etc.
Third, we share our needs: Needs; values; wants; hopes. We all have survival needs like air; food; water; shelter. We have safety needs; the need to belong; needs for autonomy; pleasure; consideration; etc. These are the things that we all have in common, they make all part of the human family.
Fourth, we make requests of others: We are all out to get our needs met and hopefully we can learn to cooperate on this. You help me get my needs met and I help you get yours met. Sometimes your needs conflict with mine and mine with yours. When this happens I may say "no" to your request and you may say "no" to mine. But if we learn to communicate nonviolently, with honesty and empathy, hopefully we can come to understand one another and treat each other with compassion.
Requests are not attached to the outcome. Requests are meant for connection and understanding between people. We must be ready to receive a "no" to our requests. Sometimes we try to disguise demands as requests but demands are attached to the outcome. If you say "no" to my demand, I will be upset or angry or in some way try to force you to give me what I want. I might imply some sort of negative consequence or make a threat. Demands don't consider your needs, only my own.
Requests reflect my intention for understanding and connection. Demands reflect my intention to get what I want.
It's wonderful when we are communicating with others who know how to communicate non-violently but that's not always the case. We can do this on our own through and it will improve our relationships, regardless. It's important to understand that if we are dealing with a person who has unmet needs and they are experiencing strong negative emotions, it's probably not a good time to make a request of them. Offer empathy first. Receive whatever they are saying and if they have expectations of you and/or are blaming you or someone else, understand that this is the only way they know how to communicate in this moment. Offering empathy helps us connect with others and will facilitate our ability to understand them better. When we understand another, our hearts tend to open and soften towards them and we end up liking them better. Once another is understood, they generally soften too.
Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. Insteadof offering empathy, we often have a strong urge to give advice or reassuranceand to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy however, calls upon us toempty our mind and listen to others with our whole being.
Marshall B. Rosenberg
When...someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good. When...I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to re-perceive my world in a new way and go on. It is astonishing how elements which seem insoluble become soluble when some listens.
Carl Rogers
The Language of the Heart. I think both Gandhi and Joe Friday would have approved.
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