Forgiveness

I've had some issues with forgiveness. I never understood it very well. It's not that I've purposely held on to grudges. I've tried not to in fact, but it's true that I've held on to a few. It's just that forgiveness seemed somehow arrogant, a power I could weld over another by either bestowing forgiveness or not.

The break up with my youngest son's father was ugly. The whole eight year relationship before the break up was ugly. Well, that's not true. There was some love and truth and beauty there. My son for instance. Lots of good, if hard lessons. And more.

I had my dreams about creating a life with him. I loved him a lot. Well, truthfully, no I didn't. I thought I loved him but really I didn't know how to love very well at all. I was very attached to him. I wanted him to give me stuff that he was either unwilling
or incapable of giving. I wanted a committed, intimate relationship with him. I wanted the truth but most of the time I didn't have a clue either on how to tell it, or how to even find it. We both hurt each other and suffered a lot.

He was attractive and intelligent. He was funny and made good word puns. He's a nice person...sometimes. Actually, he wasn't a very nice person a lot of the time. If my best friends were to use one word to describe him I bet they would call him an asshole. That's because they love me and are on my side. They also witnessed me suffering immensely during those eight years and they didn't like the way he treated me.

He was in lots of pain just like I was. I wasn't very nice in my own ways either. I was over my head in the deep end of my life and exhausted from doggy paddling. I needed a strong willing partner and he was neither. Sometimes though he would try really hard to do his part and he'd pull it off. Thing is, we had really different ideas about what his part was. He was in over his head just like I was. And he was angry. Very angry. I was angry too, but mostly I was sad.

We always saw the world so differently. If I saw blue, he saw green. If I though it was funny, he took it seriously. If I thought we should turn left he wanted to turn right. Our life situations were extremely mismatched and he didn't seem to respect me much. He didn't think I respected him either. Once he said to me that what he had to offer me and my children was like "throwing pearls before swine". He used lots of analogies that I hated. I threw that one back in his face several times and he always accused me of taking it the wrong way, out of context. I could never figure out how to take it but as an incredible personal put down. I suppose he meant that his feelings were hurt and he thought we didn't appreciate him for his unique talents. I felt incredibly rejected, unappreciated and victimized by his constant resentment and anger. He always told me he felt trapped and powerless.

But for whatever reason, many reasons, I was in love with him and thought that ours was a relationship made in heaven. I blamed the fact that we were living in hell on the emotional walls he erected, his resistance to love...me...my kids...my overstuffed baggage. No traveling light with this girl. Not at that point in my life.

So, back to forgiveness. Awhile after the breakup, maybe a year, maybe two or more, a card arrived in the mail. It struck me as odd the second I saw it and it made me nervous. It was in a nice envelope and was addressed to me. There was no return address but I thought I recognized his hand writing and I didn't want to go there. I left it on the table unopened for half a day. When I finally opened it I found an angel card inside. It was from him. Inside he wrote very few words. He had been on some inner journey and had some personal work to attend to. It was very simple. No lengthy explanations, just that he wanted me to know that he had forgiven me.

Excuse me? You full of yourself fucker. I was over the top annoyed. The audacity. The gall. How dare he forgive me? I bet your pardon, but if anyone has any forgiving to do here, it's obviously me.

Besides, in my self righteous indignation, my holier than thou elevated consciousness, I knew that forgiveness was a private affair between you and your own heart. You didn't tell another person you forgave them. That was just clueless, conceited, and just plan wrong. "The Idiot's Guide to Forgiveness" would surely tell you that.

Ten plus years have gone by and I've been reading that book I mentioned in an earlier post, "Against the Stream" by Noah Levine. He's talking about forgiveness and I like what he has to say. He quotes from Henry Nouwen, a famous Christian mystic:

Forgiveness is the name for love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all of us love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven everyday--every hour unceasingly. This is the great work of love among the weak that is the human family.

He goes on to say how "forgiveness is the process and practice of cleaning up the stuff of the past that is sticky." He also talks about taking relational action and releasing our grasp on past pains and betrayals and how often this includes communicating with those whom we have harmed as well as those who have harmed us. He also points out that the most essential aspect of forgiveness is separating the action from the actor. There may be certain actions that are unforgivable but the actor can always be forgiven.

Forgiveness also is an on-going process. It's not like we simply forgive it all in one fell swoop and it's gone forever. Feelings of pain and betrayal, anger and resentment can sweep back in. Making the choice to release and let go is an intentional and on-going commitment. And it doesn't mean that we don't set appropriate boundaries along with our forgiveness. Sometimes it may be inappropriate to communicate to those who have harmed us, or whom we have harmed. It may also be unsafe or somehow unwise to allow them back into our lives. Sometimes it's best to keep our heart open but our door closed.

I understand lots that went wrong with my relationship with my youngest son's father, both while we were together and then long after we had gone our separate ways. Co-parenting seemed to get worst the longer we were apart rather than better. Struggles ensued and if he had truly once forgiven me after the first eight years with the acknowledge in that angel card, I think he built up a whole new arsenal of grievances in the next eight years. I built up several of my own too.

Things still feel sticky between us and I'm sorry about that. But you know what? If he has any forgiveness left to offer me again, I'm willing to accept it now. And I forgive him too.