My Mommy's Grip

August 2006

My Mommy is 83 years old and losing her grip. It's most difficult because she knows she's losing it. She was always such an independent woman, working eight to five, five days a week, taking care of her three children, buying her own home, caring for her yard and rose garden. She did it all, the best she knew how. And she did a darn good job of it too.

Eight months ago, she sold her home and moved into a retirement home. She doesn't like it there and now wants to move into an apartment. She feels trapped and doesn't like seeing all of the old people wandering aimlessly around. She doesn't like people so close to her business. The transition was hard on her and she hasn't recovered. She wants her house back. The house she lived in for over forty years and raised my brother, my sister and I. It's the house where several of her grandchildren came to live with her at various times over their growing up years.

Really what she wants is her old life back. The life where she took care of herself and was competent. She was always hesitant to rely on others for anything. Now I'm helping her handle most of her business but it's hard for her to just trust me and let go. Basically she just puts up with me meddling in her affairs but she knows enough to know she forgets and is confused. She pulls out all of her financial files and mulls over them continuously, driving herself nuts. She is constantly worried about how much money she has and is convinced she is broke. She's afraid to spend money to get her hair done or to make simple personal expenditures. She keeps waiting for it all to make sense to her, for her memory to come back, to be competent again.

I'm afraid that another move will be too much for her, that the stress will cause her even more confusion and that she will lose more of the little grip she still possesses. I'm not sure she's competent enough to live on her own in her current condition, and then, what if she decompensates more? At the same time, I like to imagine that if she moves into her own apartment that she will be forced to rally to the cause and that she will step up to the plate and reclaim herself, and most of all, find some peace and happiness in her last years.

My eldest daughter takes care of my mom. She visits her almost everyday and takes her shopping and out to lunch. I'm so glad, and relieved, that they have each other. My brother and my sister both live out of town and although they try to visit and call her often, they are busy like I am so they aren't around much. She needs someone on a daily basis and my daughter has taken on that role.

Of course I visit with her often and try to take her on little walks. Sometimes we on the phone six or more times a day. She calls me a lot with questions about her life because she gets so confused. She wants me around more than I am. I get worn out sometimes but I know that I'm blessed that she is still in my life and depends on me. My eldest daughter is blessed too. My other children don't pay her much attention so she will be the one who is left with the memories, the bonding and relationship she developed with her gramma in the last years. I'm glad they have each other.

Taking care of an aging woman who is losing her grip isn't a piece of cake. I'm really grateful that I'm not in this alone. I give thanks for another.